Friday, October 30, 2009


I was pondering a few things this morning, most of them beginning with the word "When?"

When do I pack away his stuff?

I do know there is no right or wrong answer to this question. I simply do it when I feel ready. I did have to clean out his truck two weeks ago, and the house was inundated with his belongings. Most of it I have incorporated into the house, like the food he left behind, and his can opener went in the kitchen. I've taken over his computers, but do I really need 1 PC (mine), his lap top and his Eee PC? I have an extra BlackBerry Tour now, because we both got new phones in August. I also have his iPhone that he cancelled service with in August. I'll probably sell that one. The BlackBerry I'll keep because I have a BAD history with phones, and this one will be backup for me.

But what about his clothes? His blankets we will keep, and his foamy egg shell bed thingies I have in the boy's room to put on the kids' beds as soon as I remember to do so. I sleep with his pillow between my knees each night, and the last T-shirt he wore is folded up under my pillow.
When I packed up his truck, all the clean and dirty clothes were separated into different bags, but all stuffed into his big green ARMY duffel bag. They're still in there, sitting in a corner in my room. I haven't opened them in two weeks. I just don't want to deal with it.

All the stuff I had at the hospital for him is still in the bags. The last pair of shorts he wore, the book he was going to read, the chest hair I clipped off his chest after he died, the handful of crumpled up tissues I had when I was crying and saying goodbye, the body wipes he had used to wipe his face off before he died. Little things like that, I just have in the hospital bag. I looked at them this morning, but I haven't done that in a LONG time. I don't know what to do with them, do I keep them in the bag, or do I get rid of what I just want to keep? Do I really need to keep the tissues?

What about all the electronics? his DVDs? I'll be calling XM soon and cancelling one subscription, and keeping the other. I'm going to switch out our radios because his was the better one. But the other, I have 3 blue tooth headsets, countless USB cables, XM antennas, adapter kids for the XM and iPhone/iTouch etc etc. I don't want to keep all that stuff laying around because it is clutter, but it was his.

I thought perhaps I should just go through it all, figure out what I can USE, and what I want to KEEP, and get rid of the rest. But not now, I'm not ready for it.

I do need to do it soon though, because my room is overrun with his belongings. Even his fridge is in there because there was nowhere else to put it, as is the power inverter he had too. There's so much stuff!

When do I stop blogging about him?

Again, I don't know the answer to this one. Honestly, I don't know if I can write about him every single day. It's so hard! It's emotionally exhausting because I think about him all the time. I know you all want to hear about it, but ugh! I don't know how to express myself all the time, every single day, in many different ways. How often do you want to hear how sad I am? Doesn't it get tiring?

I wish I had happy events to write about, that this weren't happening. He's been dead for almost 3 weeks, and I have not missed a day of blogging about him, and how we're doing. When is it time to move on from him? or just blogging about him?

Do you want good news? I'm making new friends. Yaay Me! That was meant to be sarcastic, if you didn't get that. In all seriousness though, R and C have been fantastic to talk to because they both have been in the same situation as me. I appreciate them so much! R you know you have helped totally distract me ;o) And that is a nice break from the usual day to day thing. And C, has helped me to grieve and just be sad and cry late at night. It's so nice to make new friends, but how desperately I wish it were under other circumstances. However, then we wouldn't have H.C.J. to talk about...hehehe

Enough with the code speak though. Please let me know if you are tired of me blogging about grief. Do you think I should write about other stuff? Or is my writing about grief so good that you want to come back for more? ;o)

Please give me some input, because I'm floundering, and not quite sure where to go from here.

Perhaps on Monday I shall talk about my trip to Costco to fill up Frances (the name my freezer was given, lol).


amanda v said...

Joanna,write about what ever you want to write! If you end up with a happy good day don't feel bad, or if you have 2 years of sad ones that's okay too! Grief is one thing everyone does on a different timeline. I guess I didn't really help you figure out what to write about now did I? I love you posts about good deals you find.... not that you want to shop too much these days but if you find a good deal let me know! :)


I think you should continue to blog about Barry and your grief and how you guys are doing for however long YOU need to. its not about us, or what WE want to hear or read. its about YOUR feelings and grief. We will read and follow no matter what you write about because thats what we do. we read and we support.
know that you are in our thoughts and prayers daily........... please let us know if you need anything.

Melinda said...

Hi there. I think you should blog about whatever you feel like blogging at the moment. Don't plan it out, or think about what you should, or shouldn't talk about, just BE. If it's too hard to blog about your grief sometimes, skip it! I'm sure your feelings and posts will change minute to minute. Just go with it.

You and your family will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. I'm so glad to hear you have found some supportive friends that can listen and distract you as well!

Mary said...

This is entirely up to you, of course, but maybe when you feel up to it you could write about how you two met, and the births of each of your children. Maybe on a separate blog (or not) for your children to read when they are older. These are your memories. You need to own them, make friends with them, but only when you feel ready. Just remember there is no right or wrong way to do things. Do only what you feel led to do. Don't feel like it's "time" to go through his belongings, but you just can't face it that day. A bit of advice, don't get rid of anything you feel the least bit attached to right now. You can always get rid of it later, if the attachment to the USB cord fades.

This is your blog. If you want to write about grief, I'm with ya. If you want to write about Frances the freezer, I'm with ya.
Take care!
Mary in Tennessee with the unupdated blog

Lori D. said...

Hi Joanna!

Yay for Frances the Freezer--I love that! :) And I agree with everyone else--blog about what you want. You and your story are such a BLESSING to so many people, I think you should just keep being you--good days and bad! I enjoy reading it not just because you are such a talented writer,but because then I know what to pray for-for you and the kids--depending on the day your needs are different and while God knows each and every tear you cry--I like knowing what to pray for!
SEe you monday at 1pm-ish! :) Love ya, Lori D.

heidi said...

i haven't commented before, but i've read your blog since our mutual friend aimee asked her blog readers to pray for you. i will echo what the previous commenters have said. this blog is not for your readers, necessarily. this blog is YOUR blog and its for YOU. if you don't want to blog every day, then don't. if you want to write about something hilarious that just happened, write it down and don't feel guilty that you're laughing for a moment instead of feeling sad. i do, however really like the suggestion about one day (when you're ready) writing out your love story, or past favorite memories that you have of your husband.

and, by the way, i pray for you every night.


Shalisa said...

I like Frances! My freezers name is Rusty :)

Suzanne(alkelsmom) said...

Blog whenever you feel like it. It's your creative outlet. Maybe one day they'll make a hollywood movie of this. And I mean it in a good way, kinda like PS I Love You. As far as his stuff goes, You keep what you want and maybe one day you'll get rid of it, or not. There's no set protocol on grief and remembrance. I kept things from when I ad my m/c's as what little memories I had of those "pregnancies". And I always throw away all the bad stuff associated with bad memories. Kind of a cleansing process. Good luck with everything. Suzanne from the former 02 board.