Saturday, October 31, 2009

What is MY Purpose?

I've been a Stay At Home Mom for 9 years now! 9 long years!!!

The last paying job I had was working for AAFES, and I quit because we were due to come back to the States since Barry was discharged from the ARMY. So, I was a stay at home mom from the time I was 7 months pregnant with the twins till present time.

These last 9 years I have been a Wife and all that entails, Mommy, Homemaker, Housekeeper, Nurse, Doctor, Hairdresser, Lawn Mower, Garbage taker-outer, Christmas present wrapper, everything.

I am now everything but the Wife.

And I feel lost, confused, bored...everything.

Our plan was for me to get a job once the baby started 1st grade, which is in 3 years. But honestly, I don't know that I can wait that long. I might have to though, but I refuse to put the kid in daycare just to get a job. It's a conundrum.

I don't know what to do with myself. I'm so bored. I don't think there has been one day since the family left that we haven't gone out and done something. Either we're running errands, going to the mall, going to the library, going to friends' houses, or going on field trips with my Meet UP group. The thing is, this IS my life, this HAS been my life for the last 9 years, so why am I suddenly disenchanted with it?

I feel like I am a contradiction. How can I be a stay at home mom if I don't have a husband? Well, I do have a husband, but he's been stuffed into a nice wooden box on my entertainment center, and a plastic bag filled with extras that I requested for us to go to Build A Bear. If that sounds callous, you should know I just have to joke sometimes; Barry called it gallows humor. I never understood it until he died.

Anyway, I just don't see what my purpose is right now. I can still be a stay at home mom, I don't have to work if I don't want to, but I am bored and uninspired. I've thought about looking into some sort of schooling, but I don't want to do that till the baby is in school either. I can't take time away from the kids right now because they need me. I have tons of crafts to catch up on, I have a brand new sewing machine sitting on my hope chest that I haven't opened yet and I've had for 3 weeks. I could always sew, but right now I just don't feel like it. Maybe in a week or two. I've got two years of scrap booking to catch up on too. I am however, going to get my YMCA membership back, I think working out again in the mornings will really help me out, and waste some time as well. I've been feeling the need to let the elliptical trainer kick my ass again.

What suggestions can you readers give me on how to occupy myself other than crafting and sewing? Do you think I should get a job, or should I be here for the kids? And what the heck am I going to do next year once the baby starts Pre-K? I'll be bored out of my mind.

It's almost like I need another man to take care of*....

*maybe one day*


Shalisa said...

Before I had kids I didn't work, so I did some volunteer time at various places. By far my favorite was the library. You could ask and see if they have something that both you and your little one can do together. And if not there, volunteer time at any of the assisted living or retirement homes is a good choice for mommy daughter stuff. You could adopt a grandy :)I used to take my kids to see their great grandma in a home, and they seemed to enjoy it, and it wasn't too much of a hassle trying to visit as long as I had a snack and a book, but most of those places have lots of activities, and when we joined in on something like that it was always a blast for my kids as well as all those doting grandy's. I always think I should do more of that. Bring crafts the kids made that we don't need to Alpine Way and join in on the music times, but I never do.

Rina the Mama Bear said...

I think maybe you are floundering? Which is TOTALLY understandable - your life has been completely changed in the past 3 weeks. You are the head honcho now, and that can really make a person feel a bit lost and disjointed.

Why don't you make yourself a list (I love lists, LOL) of EVERYTHING that is unfinished in your life? Craft projects, housework, de cluttering, exercising, etc etc? That's what I would do. It will give you a sense of purpose PLUS get tons of stuff accomplished.

Once the list is made, rank each 'to do' in order of how important you feel it is. Then, start!

I also think it is going to be exceptionally important to schedule a fair amount of things to do with the kids - as a group of you as well as individual time with each one of them. They need you so much now even if they appear to be handling things well. Plan fun stuff like picnics at the park (yes I know it's getting cold - wear a jacket and bring hot chocolate to drink, hehe), or going to the mall and counting how many red jackets you see, or for individual time, ask each of them to think up something (reasonable) that THEY want to do that's special for that child and you. Get them thinking and excited.

I know this is going to be hard for you but have you thought at all about Christmas plans? Maybe you could pack the kids up and come up thisaway for the holidays...gets you out of the house and spending time with family!

Joanna, I've said it before but I'll keep saying it because I believe it:

You are a tough b*tch. :) You are confident, you are intelligent, you are a fantastic Mom, you are strong and you can do this. There is no doubt in my mind that although it's not going to be easy, you will be able to handle anything that comes your way. If you ain't Dutch you ain't much, right? ;)

Love ya and always thinking about you guys.

honeykreg said...

I was having a very sad night. I came upon your blog and read, and read, and read. A stranger, living across the country from you and yet I felt so much of what you were saying. On Oct. 10, 2009 my beautiful daughter collapsed at work. She was a critical care nurse. They didn't find her in the bathroom until 30 mins or more had gone by. She was put on life support which was removed on Monday night. She was an organ donor. What I learned reading your blog was that sudden, awful death and the grief that follows is the same for all of us. I thought I was alone in so many of my feelings of despair, lonliness, wanting to scream, JUST PLAIN NOT UNDERSTANDING what happened and why. I don't think I ever will. I don't think a heart really heals after something like this. It is a trauma to your entire being. We really are the walking wounded. And yes, people do treat us differently, but then again we are different....never to be the same as we were before that awful phone call. Just wanted to thank you for sharing your thoughts, feelings, and struggles. Our lives have been forever altered and now we must find the strength, the will, and the way to carry on. I wish you the best in your sad journey, we journey alone no matter how many people we have around us....your blog helped me tonight....just wanted you to know.