Two Years Ago I Became A Widow

In Loving Memory

March 6th 1980-October 10th 2009

I will forever love you and keep you in my heart.

I'm finally getting around to writing this last post.  I just didn't want to write it at all.  I don't feel like I have anything I need to say to Barry...I think I've said it all a million times over over these last two years.  The time has come to say goodbye to this blog, and continue with my new one. Thank you to everyone for being such wonderful readers, and supporting me even if you didn't comment.  This blog has been such a big part of my life for over 3 years, and even more so now because it has become my outlet for my grieving.  I am ready to move on, so please come with me as I continue this journey.    If you email me then I will reply to you and give you my new blog address.  I post on there much more regularly than this one.  I have to say, I am a little sad to close this chapter in my life, but I am ready, and it is time.  

I will miss this blog and all of you.

Much love,

Joanna  

Blast From The Past...October 9th 2009

I don't have much to say today...I'd just rather avoid what today was, and that was the last full day my husband was alive two years ago.  Less than 24 hours after I originally posted this, I was a widow.  more like 18 hours.  I had no idea what was to become my life...

Friday, October 09, 2009

Good News!!!

Today my husband was released from the ICU/CCU into a regular room. I was able to help him move, which was really nice as I got to say goodbye to all the nurses and the RT's. I plan to send them a thank you note, as they really helped me out this week.
We expect him to be released monday or tuesday morning! Isn't that great news? He's on antibiotics intravenously, but tomorrow they are going to try tablet form. And his O2 levels arent' quite good yet, so that is why he's staying a few more days.
He was very alert this morning and finally recognized me and was able to to hold a conversation. I am thankful for that, because as the morning went by, he got really cranky, rude, belligerent etc etc. It was really really hard for me to be pleasant with him because of his attitude. I think he was still very confused because of all the sedatives he had been on for so long. He even told me he didn't want me to come visit again.
Then I decided it was time for me to leave before I got too frustrated with him, and the situation got worse.
Today there was a thing going on at the kids' school, so I thought I could go to that before going home, but figured I'd just take time to myself. My mom was there with them, so I figured they would be ok without me. I went to McDonald's and had a hamburger and fries and sat and read my book for a while. I then headed across the street to Safeway and did some grocery shopping for the next couple days. It was so refreshing to get some time alone.I was able to get a hold of him later on after he had eaten and taken a little nap, and he was much more pleasant. I'm going to go visit himfor a while tonight, and then tomorrow morning. Today has been one of the worst days for me, apart from Tuesday, because I was just hoping that he would be nicer. I was sad that he was so irritable. I've spent so much time at the hospital, 8+ hours a day when he was on the respirator, and it was so much easier to deal with him. I could wash him up, rub his feet, talk to him, help the nurses etc etc. Now I feel like I'm not needed anymore and he doesn't want me there.
I'm just happy that we're almost done with this. Hopefully he will get back to his old self really soon because I just don't know how much more of this I can handle.
I also want to say how thankful I am for the outpouring of support I have received. Especially from some of my friends, my meetup group and the kids' school. They have really blessed us and I don't think I could say thank you enough. I have received some gift cards for meals, and I have meals being delivered next week as well. It is such a relief not to have to worry about meals for the next week. Thank you everyone for helping!

Blast From The Past...October 6th 2009

I fucking hate reading this stuff.  But here you go, for your reading pleasure...the THREE posts that I wrote on October 6th 2009

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

so here I sit

I'm home for a short while while my husband is being taken care of.

I got the call this morning from the doctor that he was being transferred to the CCU, Critical Care Unit, because he wasn't getting better. I then called the nurse in the CCU who told me to come as soon as I could. They took blood from his artery and his O2 stats were 50%. Then they put him on the CPAP, which is 100% O2 and his levels only went to 69%.

When I got there, I got a glimpse of him through the glass door of his room and just lost it. He had a whole big plastic mask on his face. I waited till the nurse brought me a mask to wear to go in.

I was able to talk to him for a short time and then all these people started coming in, and I heard the word Anesthesiologist.

As you can probably guess, he is now intubated. He is on a respirator that is helping him breathe. They had me leave for 1.5 hours while they got him taken care of. When I came back, they were still working on him, and I only had time to gather a few of his possessions like his computer etc. I'm at home right now because I just couldn't take it anymore. So I'm here for lunch, and my sister is talking to me on the phone. I had to call her because the silence here is deafening. Our youngest daughter is at my friend's house and I just didn't feel like picking her up. I'm going back to the hospital in another hour or so, and then I'll do my best to be home by the time the kids get off the bus.

Thank goodness for friends. A friend from our old city is bringing us dinner tonight. Another friend is watching our daughter while I am at the hospital. And tomorrow my mom comes.

I don't want to admit it, but I am so fucking scared I will lose my best friend. Scared to pieces. How do I keep it together for my kids when I am broken inside?

I have the weight of the world on my shoulders right now. I have to find out a way to fill out his trip packs for work. I have to call his school somehow and figure out what to do for that. I have to figure out what to do about financial issues. He's going to be in the hospital for up to 10 days. And let me say this...I am so thankful for life insurance. No one wants to think about it, but do you know how relieved I am to know that the kids and I will be taken care of if something happens?

My poor husband has been working on his beard for years, it is his pride and joy. And they shaved it off. he looks like a bald bowling ball.

I love this man so much and it just breaks my heart to see him like this. How do I keep it together when I am so scared and worried? I am trying to make life as normal as possible for the kids,. Today was pajama day at school, and I let them do that. Our daughter's birthday is on Thursday, and i am making her cupcakes. Saturday is her party, and my mom will be here so we are still going to have fun. I ordered her cake yesterday, and we're going to go have fun at Glow Golf in our mall.

My tummy is rumbling and I need to eat something even though I don't want to. I just have no appetite.

Please keep us in your thoughts, prayers, whatever it is you do. I appreciate any and all of that.

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Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Tuesday PM Update

I went back to the hospital this afternoon after I made myself eat something.
I sat with him for a couple hours, made a few phone calls etc etc. I got some sort of response from him, he squeezed my hands a couple times. But he is completely unconscious, so it could just be reflexes. Either way, it gave me comfort.

The Doctor said he most likely got a staph infection in his lungs, and these infections typically get worse before they get better. He will be on the respirator for a few days as well.

I know he knows I am there, even if he doesn't know that he knows. I just know. I was able to calm him down a few times when his blood pressure went up just by talking to him and soothing him

I sit and talk to him, I joke around and say silly things. I taped up all the pictures and cards the kids made for him on his wall. His nurse Rick is really funny,and he and I were making jokes about him. He had his beard shaved off, so now he looks like a bald bowling ball, lol. He has a big head, which is why I say that, and he also shaves his head. Tonight I am going to visit again for an hour or so after the kids go to bed, and my friend Sara is watching them while they sleep. I am going to cut his toe nails, LOL, he never got around to it for a couple weeks, and I joked to Rick that I should paint his nails. I don't think I will, but I will give him a nice pedicure.

I wonder if he can hear me, and is thinking up all these smart ass remarks to give me once he wakes up again. I tease him and tell funny things about him to the nurses and the doctor, so I might be in for it when he wakes up.

Until later....

Oh, and thank you to everyone for your well wishes and thoughts. I appreciate it so much.

Oh, and I haven't gotten a chance to do this, but I want to thank all my friends/acquaintances that have passed on their help, offered dinners for us, their well wishes. I will be sending out quite a few thank you cards I think.

One other thing I forgot...
I had to take his phone and computer home with me, and while looking on his phone this afternoon for some info, something made my heart skip a beat. I dont know why I didnt notice this before. A couple weeks ago I took a photo of the sunrise that turned out really neat. He never said anythign to me about it, but guess what was on the background for his blackberry? Do you know how good that made me feel? It was like an invisible hug and love from my husband. I just was so shocked to see that. I love that man.

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Tuesday, October 06, 2009

And yet, another update

Thanks to my wonderful friend and neighbor Sara, I was able to visit him this evening for a couple hours.

First off, let me say how much those hospital masks SUCK! Seriously, my face is numb from the foam in them. It's so freakin uncomfortable.

Secondly, I did NOT know this, but the CCU is the same as ICU. So for those wondering, he is in the ICU.

Ok, so, I got there shortly after 9PM tonight and they were examining his air way. They haven't been able to get in a feeding tube , and will be doing it by Xray tonight. Probably now actually, now that I am gone.

There is no change right now in his condition. I can't really even pretend to understand all that medical mumbo jumbo. All I know is that he is on 70% pure O2 with the Respirator right now. There is blood in his lungs from the bad infection too. He needs to be able to maintain 50% on his own. I guess how they do that is wait till they see some form of improvement and once he gets somewhat better, then they can turn the respirator down and let his lungs do most of the work. But honestly, I couldn't even understand that. I don't know what his levels have to be, what they're at. Whats best for him right now is to be on the respirator and to let his body get healthy.

Tonight was a good visit though, he was lucid and partially awake when I went in there, meaning he was responsive to me. They actually turned down the sedation a bit. When I got there he was a bit agitated from the nurses poking and prodding him, and once they stepped back, i went up to him and held his hand. He looked me in the eyes, which was great. And yes, he did recognize me. A wife knows, we just know. I was really happy to see that. I asked him a few minutes later if he was able to hear me talking smack about him with Rick today, and he shook his head no. I also got a couple hand squeezes from him, and some eyebrow wiggles or whatever you call them. He couldn't open his eyes, but wiggled his eyebrows at me.

I went in tonight armed with nail clippers and foot lotion for him. I gave him a nice trim, lol, and a good foot massage too. Afterwards I was trying to exercise his legs for a bit, but he did NOT like that at all, and pushed against my hand and wiggled his toes. So I stopped.

The rest of the night, I talked about anything and everything. I also had brought some trivial pursuit cards because we like that game, and asked him the questions and then answered them for him ;o)

Tomorrow it looks like I won't be able to visit for awhile. I have a dental appointment in the morning to get a couple broken fillings fixed, and then Sara will be watching our youngest for me. But since she has somewhere to be, then I will most likely just come straight home and go visit him once my mom gets here. At least with mom coming, I dont have to worry about how long I stay. And then I can also come late at night after the kids are in bed too, like I did tonight.

I've got so much responsibility right now, I just don't know what to do about all that. I've got the work thing figured out, I am going to call in the morning and get it taken care of. The school I have to call too, but I did leave a message for his advisors to call me or vice versa. Honestly, the most pressing issue for me is the financial one. I don't know what we're going to do financially. I don'tknow how to pay bills if there is no money coming in, and that really worries me. He could be in the hospital for a couple weeks, and then he will need a bit of recuperating time at home, so what do we do? I know I can put off the bills for a little while, but what about groceries? gas? And those bills that HAVE to be paid like credit cards and insurance? can't miss those. I hate that money has to be the one issue I worry about, but it is a true worry. Me getting a job is not going to help things, so please don't even suggest that. I'd have to pay for day care, and for what...a month? just get a job for a month? I don't even think we could go on TANF/welfare for a month.

On a lighter note, if you want to call it that, I am amazed at the strength I have been able to pull from places I never knew existed. From this morning, I am a completely different person. I took care of things I never thought I could do, and I am proud of myself for that. But I wouldn't have been able to do this without the help and support of my friends and family. Mom, Maegen, Sara, Lisa, Angela, Janelle...anyone who has talked to or seen me today, they have just been an incredible support. And if you know me and can help next week with childcare, please please let me know. Sara has to go back to work on Thursday. starting Monday it will be just myself, and I can't not visit him. I know I have a couple ladies lined up that are willing to watch our youngest, but I just need more options. Even if you came to the house after they went to bed and sat for a couple hours while I visited. Anything. I'll even drive our youngest to your house during the day! I just wish I was able to visit him more often next week. I will only have the mornings though as it is conference week and the kids have early release and get home at 1PM.

I am physically and mentally and emotionally exhausted right now. I need to get a good nights sleep. Thankfully tomorrow is late start day, and the kids don't need to be on the bus till 9:30, so we can sleep in a little bit. I might give myself till 7:30 unless the nurses call me and pass on information.

Please keep us in your thoughts and hope that something improves. Again, I will update as I can.

Blast From The Past...October 5th 2009

I thought that leading up to the 10th, I would re-post my blogs from two years ago.  So without further ado, here is today's post from two years ago.  The day he was admitted to the hospital.

Please Keep Us In Your Thoughts

It is painful to read these.  I am having such a hard time right now, even more so than I did last year.  I've been crying at the drop of a hat, been very emotional.  Barry's death feels to me like it was just yesterday, and the pain is fresh.  The 2nd anniversary really is worse than the 1st.  I thought that wasn't true for me, thought I would escape it, but I was wrong.

It feels like it just happened yesterday.  The only difference is that I know how to cope with the grief now.  And I just let it wash over me.  I let those tears spill out of my eyes, let the sobs wrack my shoulders, and deal with the grief headache that ensues.

I miss him so much.

12 Years Ago

Twelve years ago today, a very nervous, and much skinnier Joanna, waited in front of The Empress hotel in Victoria, BC, for a young man she had known for 9 months and never seen a picture of.

Twelve years ago, Barry and I met in person for the very first time after talking for nine months via phone, email, and yahoo messenger.  I fell in love with him before I even met him, and vice versa.   I knew that even if he was a total toad, I couldn't ever say no to him, I wanted to marry him that bad.

Twelve years ago today, at 6PM, Barry proposed to me.  He proposed the day we met in person.  And we were married three months later.

I can't believe it has been 12 years since August 28th, 1999.  It seems like a lifetime ago.  I've always wanted to go back to the place where we were engaged, but haven't been able to do so.  Partly due to the fact that it's in Canada, and a pain in the ass to get to Victoria with four kids, but also...because I'm a little scared.  I will go back one day, but I don't know when yet.

I have a picture of Barry and I from the day we got engaged, and I wish I had a way to scan it for you all.  My scanner is acting up and I can't figure out how to work it.

I still can't believe it has been 12 years ago that we met and got engaged.  I miss him so much.  I wish I could hear him tell me how proud he is of me right now, how much he loves me, how awesome I am doing.  But all I can do is hear him in my head.  At least I have that right?  I can hear him talking to him...and while I can't hear his voice very well right now, I know exactly what he'd be saying to me.

I love you Barry.

I had a Dream

I finally dreamed about Barry last night, which seemed to be the first time in forever.  I've never really dreamed of him, just bits and pieces.  It has never been a full length movie-like dream.

In my dream my life was just like it is now.  I was either sitting at my desk reading the news online, or reading a newspaper, and I saw a title that shocked and intrigued me, so I read further.  It said "Man found hiding out in Shelton".  Immediately my eyes were drawn to the article, and it turns out it was Barry.  Who was supposed to be dead.  I don't remember much after that, but in my dream I did see him again.  I remember feeling numb.  I wasn't happy, or sad, or anything really.  I do remember telling him he couldn't sleep in my bed anymore.

And then my alarm went off.

What a bizarre dream!!  Honestly, I don't even know what to make of that because it was so strange.  Why would I dream that?

I do think though, that I am glad I haven't had those really intense dreams where you remember everything about it in the morning.  Having one of those would be too painful for me, because I would get to see him, and talk to him, and touch him in my dreams.  And then upon waking up, it would be like a dagger stuck in my heart, because I'd wake up to the cruel reality that he is no longer here.  I really do prefer not dreaming about him.

One More Step

Awhile ago, I wrote about what to do with some of the items I had left from Barry and our life together.  Among the items, I had roses from his funeral, roses he gave me, our bed and our Christmas tree.

Today I got rid of the last item, and let me tell you, it felt freeing.

In January, James and I got rid of the bed and the Christmas tree during one of our multiple trips to goodwill.  I did keep the middle finial piece (or however you spell that) from the headboard.  And today I threw the roses away in the trash.  But not before I took some pictures of them as a reminder.

This first bouquet is actually two bouquets of roses that Barry gave me, 

but I don't know how long I've actually had them.  I just couldn't get rid of them 

till now

This last bouquet is roses from the funeral.  My good friend Lisa did the flowers

for me, and I actually had tulips in the arrangement too.  Roses and Tulips because

those were the only flowers he ever bought me. 

I really didn't feel the need to keep the flowers anymore.  They were just sitting in my closet on the top shelf gathering dust.  But you know, I am glad they are gone right now.  I feel a sense of peace about it, like I've taken one more step towards healing.  I don't know that I will ever heal, but I would think it is pretty rare to heal from the death of a spouse anyway.  Regardless, I am glad I did it, and that it was when I felt ready to do so.

I had an idea, but now it's gone

I had this great idea about what to blog about the other day, and told one of my twitter friends about it, but then I forgot.  Oops.  It was something to do with grief, but I can't for the life of me recall what it was about, so I will share something that happened to me yesterday.

I was at MOPS yesterday for our annual Christmas meeting.  I've been going to this MOPS group for 5 years now! I can't believe it has been that long already, I started going a couple months before A was born in march of 06. The ladies welcomed me right in, and I've been a part of that group ever since.  We have lost some members due to their children being too old, or they moved away, or just decided not to come anymore, but there are still some of us hardcore members from back then that still have younger kids, or have had more kids.  New mom's join every year as they have babies, so the group in itself is pretty awesome, and I am so thankful for it.  My MOPS group has been there for me so much, especially last year when Barry passed and they provided meals for us, helped with funeral arrangements etc etc.

The first sob of the morning happened during our hospitality time, when we did all our hello's, raffles etc. Every month we celebrate anniversaries and birthdays. Well, this December would have been mine and Barry's 11th wedding anniversary.  Two ladies raised their hands because they had anniversaries in this month.  I did not until the last moment.  Then before I could start talking, I started sobbing.  It came out of nowhere. The tears started flowing and all I could manage to choke out was "Oh god" as I was crying.  I managed to calm down a bit, and then said "Barry and I would have had our 11th anniversary this month".  And I cried some more.  I wasn't expecting that to happen at all.  It really is amazing how quickly the tears can come on, with little to no warning at all.

Yesterday before we did our White Elephant gift exchange, we also had a Mentor moms panel where the more experienced older moms talked to us younger moms.  These "older" moms have kids that are usually close to my age or older, so they have been married about 30  years usually.  As they were all talking about marriage, mother hood and all that that entails, I started to get really irritated.  I almost got up and left the room.  I didn't want to be there hearing these women talk about their husbands they had had the pleasure to be married to for 30, 40 years.  Frankly, it PISSED ME OFF.  I was INSANELY jealous, but I managed to hold it together and keep the tears at bay as best as I could.  The last thing they addressed was being a single mom and if they had any tips for single moms.  I kind of had to laugh to myself because they didn't really know how to answer this question. At the end of that session, they asked if anyone had anything to share.  And up went my hand. I talked.  But mostly I cried.

I had noticed one thing these women never mentioned at all was really how to treat their husbands.  So through my big crocodile tears, and snotty nose, and sobs escaping me, I told my story to the mom's that had never heard it.  I explained to them how Barry had died last year because some of the mom's were new and didn't know me last year.  Then I got to the point of what I had to say.  I said two things:

Never ever take your husbands for granted, and always, always say I love you, because you never know when you will have your last moment with them.

And I cried, and cried and cried. I know some of the other women were crying.  Someone gave me tissues, and I got a couple hugs.  It just amazed me that these good Christian women forgot the two most important things.  How could you forget those? They are so vital to a good marriage.  I know that first hand. I am so thankful that Barry died knowing I loved him.  One thing I wish though, is that I could tell him one last time that I loved him.  I did get to say my goodbyes, and I did tell him I loved him as they were doing CPR and I know he heard me, but just to say it to his face as he looks me would make me so happy.  My memories of that morning are foggy because of everything that went on, and I know I told him I loved him when he was still alive, because we ALWAYS were telling each other we loved each other, I just wish I could remember.

Feels Like It's Been Forever

I was thinking this morning that I couldn't remember the last time I blogged, I didn't realize it had only been two weeks ago.  I guess this is what happens when life goes on, right? I tend to forget that I have to blog, that I even have a blog really.

Nothing much new is going on, though we are well into the Christmas season already.  I did buy that new tree like I said I would, and I am SO happy with it.  It was a breeze to put up, took all of 10 minutes.  I still have the old tree in my garage, and I am pretty sure that will be going to Goodwill this week along with another truck full of stuff.  I am finally ready to let go of some things, one of them being the tree and the other being Barry's fridge that he had in his truck.  They are just taking up space in my garage, so it is time to say goodbye to them.  What purpose do they serve anyway but gathering dust? Someone else can use them.

I can't remember if I have blogged about what we are doing for Christmas, so if I have, please forgive me. I don't have the energy...or should I say I am too lazy, to go back and see if I did already. The kids and I will be having Christmas at our house on the evening of the 23d, and then going to my hometown to spend Christmas with my family.  I really have a lot of mixed emotions on this, because I really wanted us to spend our first Christmas here in this house, here.  But I do believe it is more important for us to be around family right now anyway.  Perhaps next year will be different.  We'll be spending Christmas Eve at my mom's house, and then Christmas Day at my Dad's place.  Then the next day my brother and I will pack up the kids, and head back here for a couple days, and he'll take the Amtrak back.  We haven't seen him in a year, since last Christmas, so it will be nice to have him at my house too for awhile and he can spend some much needed time with the kids.  They love their Uncle, so it will be nice for them too.

Quite honestly, I am just not ready to tackle this major holiday on my own without family around.  I can't do it yet.  It's still too raw and painful, and being alone with out anyone but me and the kids would just bring so much attention to who is missing.  At least if we are with family we can be distracted, and have fun.  That doesn't change that I will still miss Barry, and think of him all day long, but we at least will still be able to have a fun day without too much sadness.  I hope.  Last year was the worst Christmas ever, and I don't ever want to experience that again.

My plans for mine and Barry's anniversary have started to take form too, but I haven't quite decided yet what the kids and I will do.  I am pretty sure I will be taking them to Barry's favorite restaurant, the Chinese Buffet he loved so much.  We loved it as a family actually, and haven't been there in months.  Since his birthday in march I think.  I guess I'll be buying him an anniversary card too.  It amazes me that this year would mark our 11th wedding anniversary.  Unbelievable. Time flows by so quickly, doesn't it? Just 12 years ago today I was a young girl of 18 and had no idea that I would soon be meeting the guy I was to marry in a yahoo chat room, and marry him just a year later.  What a difference 12 years makes.

Well, it's the last day of the weekend, and I need to go load up my Honda Pilot with goodwill items, and clean this house.  I will write again soon, I've just been pretty busy being mommy.

Letting Go And Moving On

The last few months I have been pondering letting go of some items I have around the house that have ties to Barry, and the life we lived together.

• Our bed frame that we bought when we were first married
• Our Christmas Tree
• The Roses from the arrangements that my friend Lisa made for me for his memorial service

And that just names a few of them, well, the items that are weighing most heavily on my mind.

Our Christmas Tree we bought when the twins were just 10 months old.  It is 7.5 feet tall, 5 feet wide at the base and is just huge. It has lived in 6 houses, this one being the sixth. It has been set up for 9 Christmases, and held many years of ornaments.  Has had hundreds of Christmas gifts under it.  Has been piled with candy canes, and cursed at for being difficult to put up. Barry even made us a diagram after Christmas 2008 so we would remember how to do it.  You'd think after so many years we would remember, but we did not.  But now it is leaning a bit to the side.  The box was so torn up and taped up, that last year I bought a bag for it. I have to string the lights myself and it is a very tedious job.  So this year I am getting a new tree, with pre-strung lights.

But what do I do with the old tree? Do I keep it in the bag its in for years down the road? When Barry and I bought it, he said we'd get the biggest tree possible so that we wouldn't have to buy another one for YEARS. He picked it out.  So have 9 years been enough? Should I make this the 10th year it is up?

I feel like change is needed.  I want a new tree, and will buy one, but I just don't know what to do with the old one. I feel wrong getting rid of it.  But I don't want it to clutter up my garage.  I'm all about streamlining lately, and have been getting the urge to declutter and purge again.

Now I have the roses from Barry's memorial service, dried, in my closet.  Why have I kept them? I dried them all, and they sit in a basket out of sight.  I don't want them anymore.  I have no use for them.  But to throw them away would, again, make me feel guilty.  Almost like I don't respect him anymore, that I don't value the memory of that day.

Lastly is our bed frame. This I struggle getting rid of the most. We actually bought an entire bedroom set, and had matching dressers and a nightstand to go with it, which I gave to Habitat for Humanity before I moved. This was our wedding gift to each other. But the bed frame, that is special.  That is the baby making bed, where our family was started.  That bed has seen love, anger, sadness, fighting, laughing, lots of sex and making love.  It has seen everything.  And the night after Barry died, I laid in it, and woke up crying in my sleep at 5 AM.  It was the foundation of our marriage almost, and I have it in my garage right now, leaning against the wall.  I knew when I moved that I would keep it.  But here I am, almost seven months later and I don't want it anymore.  It is taking up space.  What the hell do I do with it?

Does all this mean I am moving on with my life? I don't want to "lose" Barry, so to speak.  I want to hold onto him forever.  But I can not keep all this "clutter" in my life.  Quite honestly, it stresses me out because I see more stuff taking up space.  And I do not want clutter.  I hate clutter. Yet with four children, it is nearly impossible to not have clutter, but I do my best.  And throw away crap I see lying around.  Anyway, I don't want to disrespect him.  I feel bad for wanting to get rid of all of it, especially the bed.  Its just though I don't need it anymore, I won't ever have a use for it unless one of the kids wants it when they move out of the house.  So do I hold onto it for another 10+ years? Hell no! But then there is just that tie to the bed, the one place I last laid with Barry, where I heard him snore and wanted to suffocate him, where we loved each other, and cuddled, and made love and had sex and laughed and fought.  There is so much to that bed.

I know these things don't represent him, our memories of him are in our hearts and our minds, but there are still things that he touched, things he fixed.  Hell, we were going to get rid of the whole bedroom set if we had moved to Pennsylvania anyway! I just feel like its so special now, that how could I possibly get rid of it?

I just don't know what to do.  I want it, yet I don't want it.  I need to move on, and I am afraid these things are holding me back from doing so.

We're Back!

I apologize for my absence and lack of writing.

While I thought I would have all the time in the world to blog while we were in Florida, i did not have much time at all.  We were so busy.

We had a wonderful vacation.

two weeks in hot, sunny, Florida.

Walt Disney World, NASA, Gatorland, Cocoa Beach.

Putting my feet in the Atlantic Ocean was one of my highlights, as was seeing Eric, who was Barry's squad Sgt when he was in the Army years ago.

Spending a day with an old friend, and dinner with another who has promised to come visit us next summer from Tampa.

I am tired and exhausted.  I took over 2000 photos.  Probably spent that much money on souvenirs, food, etc etc.

The kids are back in school, tomorrow will be our first normal week back. Back to routines, to schedules, to normalcy.  To rain.

Waking up Thursday morning to a wall of fog outside my window was monumentally depressing, as Wednesday morning I woke up to sun.  Left Orlando and it was 90F outside.  Got home late Wednesday night and it was 60F inside my house.

We've spent the weekend adjusting.  I promise to write more.  soon.

But I am tired, and emotional. Missing Barry so much right now.  Today I took a scalding hot shower and sat on the seat in the shower with the water cascading above me.

The water was so hot it was scalding.  But it felt good as I cried buckets into my hands.

I was sad because I was told I needed to lose more weight.  Yes I know that. But almost 90lbs in one year is pretty fucking amazing.  And even more sad because I know the size I am now Barry would be a total horn dog teenage boy with me. He wouldn't be able to keep his hands off me. But to everyone else I am still fat.

I need to go catch up on Glee from while I was gone, and then off to bed early for me.  I do promise to write soon.

October 4th 2009 VS October 4th 2010...Stark Differences

I don't think I can even begin to compare the two days.

Today, a year ago, was the last day that the three older kids saw their daddy alive (the baby came to the hospital with me the next day for a few minutes and was able to see Barry).

The day started off normally, it was a Sunday, and we were all excited Barry was coming home for his usual week off.  I knew he was sick though, but strangely, went about my day as normally as I could, cleaning up and getting the house ready for him.  I already knew there was a possibility of him going to the hospital, but he had said he'd drive himself.

Around 6PM that evening, he rolled in the driveway.  Told us all to stay on the deck as he did not want the kids to get sick.  I walked up to the truck, and he said he had to go to the hospital right away.  I immediately got on the phone with Sara (who already knew she may have to come over), and she was over within 10 minutes.  Thankfully she lived right up the road (and still does) and came right over.

Barry waved at the kids from inside his truck, got out and climbed into the van.  That was the last time the three older kids ever saw him alive.  I drove him to the hospital, never knowing that the next time I would take him home would be in an urn. We got to the ER, and waited a good 3 hours or so.  I don't remember exactly.  It was quite awhile.

I helped him get undressed,and into a gown.  I carefully folded his t-shirt, his shorts, and placed them in a bag along with his tennis shoes.  I stuffed his can of chew into his shoe too, where it remains to this day.  His last can of chew.  Did I take his glasses then too? I can't remember honestly. I think I may have, but I am not entire sure if he had them on or not.

He was being seen by a doctor at this time already, and as it was nearing midnight, I decided to leave, and said I would come back in the morning.  We had been told already he would be admitted.  They knew he had pneumonia at this time.  I said my goodbyes, told him I loved him, and walked out of the hospital.

My last view of him that night was being wheeled down the hall in his bed to the XRay room.

I miss him so much.  I have trouble believing he was a real person.  It is hard to fully explain that feeling, because yes, he was alive and in my life for a long time, but he's not here anymore.  He is dead.  Perhaps it is my coping mechanism that makes me think this way, process my thoughts and memories this way, so that it is easier to go on day by day.  It truly is like a dream when I think of him.  At times a very vivid dream, and at other times, I can't quite grasp that memory.

And now today, I am blown away by the stark differences to just 365 days ago.

I am sitting here at my desk, in my new house, with one more pet that Barry didn't get to meet sniffling around me. Athena is looking for breakfast scraps the kids dropped on the floor, she's 6.5 moths old now.

I have suitcases behind me waiting to be packed full of extra stuff like toiletries, snacks, and a few last clothing items.

I am going to Walt Disney World tomorrow with my children.  I have a million things to do today, laundry, packing, running a few errands, packing the pets' food to to go the kennel. Finish up my laundry and pack it into my suitcase, call the shuttle and confirm etc etc etc.

This really is a true testament to how life goes on.  Yes, Barry died a horrible tragic death last year, and we miss him terribly every day, but life has gone on.  It is inevitable.  And he would have wanted that.  Insisted and demanded more like it.  He wouldn't want me to sit and mope and just let life pass me by, so I am taking the bull by the horns and taking the kids on our first REAL family vacation.  I am sad that Barry was never able to enjoy one with us, and this is a first for the kids as it is their first time on a plane, but without him this would not have been possible.

Now to get my day started, I do have a million things to do, and I leave tomorrow evening! Better get a fire lit under my ass!

I love you sexy man, and I think of you often.  Thank you for being the best man I ever knew, for sacrificing so much, for working so hard.  I love you and miss you so much.

13 More Days

If you haven't been through an emotional trauma like I have, you probably don't know how your body reacts to it.

After Barry passed, I ate...but I didn't really eat.  I didn't snack, I ate my small meals, I didn't get pleasure out of eating. I lost a LOT of weight in the first couple months, it was literally pouring off of me.  I've kept up with the weight loss since then, very slowly albeit, but I've managed to lose about 80lbs since a year ago.

Now that the one year anniversary is a mere 13 days away, it finally hit me this morning that my body is going through the same thing. Food is starting to lose its appeal to me, and I am losing the desire to eat. I get hungry, but nothing is appetizing to me at all. I know I am hungry right now, and I had a yoplait light yogurt for breakfast, but that's all I can stomach. I just don't want to eat.  So I drink water.

                     *disclaimer* yes I still eat, but i only eat because I have to, not because I want to. I don't eat a lot.

For quite some time after Barry died, food had no taste to me.  I ate so much yogurt because it was the only thing I could stomach. Everything tasted like sand.  Food is starting to taste like sand again.

I am very angry right now, and a bucket of tears.  I think I have cried every day since the beginning of the month.  I feel like my life is in a jumble, a snake pit...everything writhing around and you cant tell where something begins and ends.  Plus, add in the chaos of getting ready for our trip, and that just makes a whole big hot mess.

Tonight starts our next grief support group, and I am so looking forward to it.  Despite the fact that it takes up 4 hours of my monday nights twice a month, I love it. I get to be with people that have been what I have been through.  I need this support.

We leave for Florida in a mere eight days. Next Tuesday night we will be getting on a plane and escaping life for two weeks. I can not wait.  I hope that this vacation is a break for us, that I will get somewhat of a chance to recharge (yes, I know I said recharge and I am going to Florida by myself for two weeks with four kids, but it WILL be a good vacation), and get a grasp on my life.  I can sit by the pool and read while the kids play.  I can ride space mountain. I can eat a smoked turkey leg.  I can have a beer in Epcot Germany in remembrance of my darling husband.  I can go to Hogwarts and Hogsmeade village in Universal Orlando and remark to the kids how much their daddy would have loved it, how in his element he would have been. I will put my feet in the Atlantic Ocean, I will go to Nasa and stare in awe. And I will have a good time, I will get a tan, and I will come back wishing I could stay forever.

I need this vacation, I need to get away from my snake pit of a life.  I need to be happy, if just for two weeks.

Running!!!

So, I may have mentioned in my last blog post that I was going to take up running.  I did day one on September 13th, the day A started Pre-K.

I have kept up with it, and this week started my second week.  Day one I completed yesterday.  The running was upped 30 seconds each time, so it was a bit of an adjustment.  I know I will get used to it though.  And I am LOVING it!! I love running.

It exhausts me, it makes me sweat, it makes me breathe heavy, it makes me sore, it makes me want to give up, but I keep plodding away as my feet hit the pavement. It is so hard sometimes to keep pushing myself, to make myself keep going just a little further till I hear that familiar bell on the iPod touch telling me it is time to walk again.  But the fact of the matter is, I still do it, and I still push myself.

I have lost 10lbs since I started running.  Yes, you read that right, 10 pounds in a week.  I haven't changed too much of my eating habits, but I have cut out a lot of sweets.  Ok, I take that back, last night I ate a huge king size snickers bar, and at the Mariners game last Friday I pigged out on hot tamales, and had McDonald's for dinner.  But seeing as I rarely buy candy bars, I figured it was ok.  A treat once in awhile is ok, and as long as I don't keep them in the house, I'm not tempted to eat them.

Yesterday at my MOPS group, one of my good friends Angela commented that she didn't even recognize me.  She hasn't seen me since the beginning of june, so I guess I changed even over the summer.  WOW!! (Angela  was not at the hospital when Barry died, but came to the house that afternoon, and she lives an hour away, and cooked us all dinner, staying for hours along with a few other girlfriends of mine.  She helped orchestrate a lot of the meals we got through my MOPS group, helped with food at the funeral etc etc.  She was wonderful and I'll forever love her for that).

I am absolutely loving the fact that this weight is pouring off of me.  It makes me want to work harder.  I was looking at a picture of myself the other day, and I was amazed how different I look compared to a year ago.  Perhaps I will share that one day...I look like a completely different person.  I was reflecting on that, and thinking how much Barry would just love how I looked right now.  He loved me at this size...he wouldn't be able to keep his hands off me ;) (now, and years ago when I was this size before I gained all the weight).  I wish Barry could enjoy this new body of mine.  I do know that he can see me, and is still around though, because I saw an orb hovering over me in a picture I took the other night.  It was plain as the nose on my face, just sitting there above my left shoulder.

Speaking of seeing the orbs...I really am not so sure how I feel about that. It makes me so happy to know that he is still around, and gives me a sense of comfort knowing he is watching over us.  But on the other hand, it makes me sad.  That being because he is STILL here, and I can't see, feel, or hear him.  Am I supposed to be content knowing that he is?  I wonder if he is shaking his head at me, all this new stuff I am doing, all the new experiences we are having.  Would he be happy I bought the house? Bought a new 2011 Honda Pilot? He'd probably tell me to stop sitting around and "go clean his house" lol.  Either way, I guess it is a big comfort knowing he is sticking around.  He always did say he would come back to haunt me.  And that he did, but in a good way.  Just wait, I'll now have some really creepy experience to blog about soon because I jinxed myself haha.

Two weeks from today, I will be in Florida.  We leave in 13 days!!! So with that, I say goodbye today, because I have a million things to do.  No running today, as my shins are a bit sore and I don't want to over-do it (I'll probably hit the elliptical later).  Errands, errands and more errands today. Plus...I NEED to start packing.

I am sure you're all wondering...yes, I am taking the lap top with me to Florida.  I've figured out how to tether my blackberry to my laptop so I will have internet access to blog.  Speaking of that...tell me WHY in 2010 do hotels not have WiFi? Especially at Disney World? WHY????????

Post 700!!!

Well, I couldn't really think of a better title than that.  I need to celebrate 700 posts on this blog! WooHoo!!

I've been asked recently when I was going to post again, and my first thought was "I don't know, I don't really feel like writing".  But maybe I need to, I think so at least. Writing helps me deal with my feelings, and it is so beneficial to get those out on "paper".

I'm doing a bit better since my last post, but I'm still dealing with a lot of those emotions that I mentioned, being frustrated and angry at couples, and bitter at my situation.  It has passed for the most part. I still haven't called the counselor.  Not on purpose, but because I have been so pre-occupied right lately.  You'll also notice that on the 10th, I purposely did NOT post.  I did not want to post.  I didn't want to be reminded that Barry had been dead for 11 months.  I find it so hard to believe that it has been that long already.  How different my life is this September, compared to last year when Barry was still healthy at this time.  He got sick shortly after though, I remember him being sick for a couple weeks.  You know what the sad thing is, I was really worried about him.  I was scared for him.  I had a bad feeling, but I couldn't put my finger on it.  I was afraid he would die, and I told him that.  I was very scared, but why was I so worried? It was just the flu, or so we thought.  He assured me that if he thought he was going to die, that he would go to the hospital. And then he came home to go to the hospital.  Unfortunately, my intuition was right.

Enough with the sad crap though, I need to update on our lives here! September 8th the kids all started school.  Because we moved back in April, the kids were starting at a new school.  So it really has been a year of changes for us, new house, new neighborhood, new lives, new school, new friends.  They are adjusting well, and making new friends and love their new school.  We do miss our friends at the old school, but the good thing for us is that we are still in the same area we were before, so all their friends are still close and no further driving distance (we moved down the street).

Yesterday was A's first day of pre-k.  She dressed herself, and was so very excited to go to school.  Her first day went great, she is making friends already and the parents are very friendly from what I've seen so far.  I'm very happy with the school I chose.  She will go four days a week in the afternoons from 1-4. It is a nice break for me, I get a little time to myself to re-charge.  She was so proud of herself yesterday morning before we left.  I told her how proud Daddy would be of her, and how big of a hug he would give her. She said to me "how am I supposed to hug him?", and I told her to hug her heart.

We all talk about Barry often, it has started getting easier.  Just the other day at dinner, we were joking and laughing about some of the silly stuff he would do.  Yes, it is still hard to believe he is gone.  Even after almost a year, I still have trouble accepting the fact.  We all miss him so much, and that will never change. But talking about him is getting easier.

My big news is that I started running.  I think I may have mentioned that before, feeling the need to have the adrenaline release.  I just want to feel my feet pounding the pavement.  About a week or so ago, I purchased the C25K app for my iPod touch, which is the Couch To 5K program.  I don't know how far I ran yesterday (my plan is to do it while A is in school) , but it was a 31 minute program.  The app staggers running for a minute and walking for 90 seconds.  I thought I was going to pass out at some times, but I DID IT! I completed the first day without stopping or giving up.  I was hot, sweaty, and exhausted afterwards. I am so proud of me.  I actually did it!!! I will do running day 2 tomorrow, and I'm already looking forward to it. I'll have to take two weeks off the program while we are in Florida, but with all the walking we'll be doing I'm sure we'll be ok.

Speaking of Florida...we leave in LESS THAN THREE WEEKS!!!!! We are so incredibly excited.  The kids are really gearing up for the trip, and I've started to get us ready.  I'll probably start packing soon too.  Yes, I know it is early, but with 5 people going away for two weeks I need to be prepared. I also need to get the pet's stuff ready for the kennel.  I do plan on taking the lap top with me, so I will do my very best to blog while we are there.  I know the one year anniversary will pass while we are there, and I want to write that day, but I will probably do a pre

On October 10th, I am not sure what we will be doing as a family. I think we may get some balloons and each write a special message to Barry on them, and release them.  Does anyone have any other good ideas?

Well, it is time to get my day started.  I'll try to write more often, but the next few weeks are incredibly busy for me...harass me if I'm not writing enough.

Eleven Years Ago Today

This week has been pretty hard.  Grief is like that though, it comes in waves, and sometimes you get hit by a giant tsunami, and other times just a little wake. I'm not quite sure where I am this week, don't know how to classify how I'm feeling, but it hasn't been an easy week.

Yesterday for the first time in ages, I was sobbing into Barry's t-shirt, my tears soaking the cotton as I tried to calm down but could not. That was the last t-shirt he ever wore, for those of you who don't know. I've never washed it, and I don't think I ever will.

I've also noticed that my attitude has been pretty damn shitty lately. I've been a bit of a cranky bitch to everyone.  Though that could be due to having my period at the same time, but I know that grief is a big factor in my attitude right now.  I tend to get that way before certain days, and not even realize it till the day is upon us, or has already passed.  Even today I just HAD to be out of the house, had to be gone, had to be busy doing everything and anything.

11 years ago today, Barry and I met for the very first time in person, and it was also the day he proposed to me!  At this point in our relationship, I was living in Edmonton AB, and he was in Wiesbaden Germany, stationed there in the Army.  I was visiting my mom in Abbotsford, BC, and he his mom in Port Angeles, WA.  We both agreed to meet in Victoria BC and spend the day together.

I don't remember what time I arrived in Victoria that morning, but it was pretty early on in the day.  I took the ferry from Vancouver to Victoria, and the greyhound to downtown Victoria from the ferry terminal.  I was so incredibly nervous to finally meet him after talking for 9 months.  And the funny thing is, I had never seen a picture of him.  Never! he did send me one once, but it was lost in the mail.  But I was so in love with this man that I knew even if he was hideous, I would still say yes if he asked me to marry him.

As I sat there on a bench in front of The Empress Hotel, I kept glancing across the Victoria harbor waiting for Barry's ferry to arrive.  I waited, and waited, and waited. And then I saw a young man walking down the road.  And I knew it was him. My heart knew it was him. He crossed the street, walked up the path to the front of the hotel, and as I stood up, shoved his military ID card in my face so I would know it was him.  That was a mere moment, as we then hugged and hugged and hugged. Finally, we met.  We had gone through so much to meet that day, and it was finally happening.

We spent the rest of that day together, sightseeing around Victoria and just spending time together.  Towards the end of the day, we landed up in the Rose Garden in front of the hotel.  We were laying there in the grass, and I was getting impatient because Barry hadn't proposed to me yet.  He had told me before we met that he was going to propose to me, and I had waited all day.  We were basically engaged already, just had to make it official.  So, my spunky self finally asked Barry if he was going to ask me to marry him.  I told him I was tired of waiting! LOL  and shortly after that he asked me to stand up, and he got down on one knee.

Holding my hands in his, Barry told me I made him the happiest man on earth, and he wanted to make me the happiest woman on earth (the only two things I remember that he said haha).  And then he asked me to marry him.  And i said yes.

We parted ways shortly after that, unfortunately, as we only had one day together.  And then we both went back to our lives, he  to Germany, and I to Edmonton.  And then 3.5 months later, on December 29th, 1999, we were married in Wiesbaden, Germany.  The day we were married, was the 15th day we spent together in person.  Yes, you read that correctly, we only spent two weeks together  in person before we were married.

The day we got engaged was one of the best days of my life.  I met the man of my dreams, and got engaged in the very same day!  Not many women can say that can they? I truly was a lucky woman to find such a man like Barry.

Always Close To My Heart

I wanted to share about a pendant I had made this week.

Back in January, a lady in my Grief Works group showed me one she had made, and I fell in love with it.  I wrote down the name of the shop, with all the best intentions to go there and have one made too, but kept forgetting about it. Occasionally I would happen upon the paper that had the shop name on it, but then it would slip my mind again, and I'd go about my life forgetting about it.

This week, all four children have had half day camp at our local children's museum, which is downtown in our city.  Monday morning after I had a coffee date with one of my twitter friends, I decided to explore for the last hour that I had before having to pick up the children.  I wandered down the street, and saw this cute shop I wanted to look in.  I fell in love with the items in there, and picked out a few things to purchase for Christmas gifts.  Then out of the corner of my eye, I happened to see a pendant.

I gasped, and asked the owner if this was the store I thought it was.  He replied yes, and I started to cry a little as I explained to him what had happened.  It was fate that I walked into that store on Monday, and I was just so happy that I had finally found it and could get my pendant made.

I picked it up yesterday morning after the kids were done camp. I opened the box slowly, peeled back the tissue paper, and gasped as I saw the pendant laying there on the cotton padding.

Isn't it just gorgeous? 

I remarked to the owner that it was just beautiful. I absolutely LOVE it. The inside circle is about the size of a quarter.  The color is cobalt blue, and its made out of hand blown Pyrex glass.  Its shaped like a bowl, so it's not flat on the bottom.  The back has a star burst design of white, blue and red colors, so the pendant is versatile and can be worn both ways.

The reason I wanted to write about the pendant is because it is very special to me.  Do you see those silver swirls inside? Do you know what those are?

They are a small portion of Barry's ashes.

What makes these pendants so special is that the artist (coincidentally he is also the owner) has developed a special technique for being able to put  these in the pendant as he blows the glass and shapes it. It is not advertised, only done by word of mouth, and  he makes them a priority, which is how I had it back within one day.  

Monday night, I had the very humbling task of putting some of Barry's ashes into a little vial that was provided by the artist. I was somewhat scared to do that, but it turned out to be OK.  I opened up the bag of extra ashes I had, shook it around a bit to separate the bits of bones and ash, and scooped them into the vial as best as I could. My finger tips were covered in ash, as I held Barry in my hands again.  The first time I touched him since I said goodbye to his dead body in the hospital.

I cried a little as I put the ashes into the vial. And then glanced at my finger tips and wondered to myself , "I have Barry's ashes on my hands, what do I do now? Do I wash my hands, do I rub them off on my clothes, what do I do?  But I did wash them.  I washed his ashes off my hands, and down the drain they went amidst a cascade of soap and water.  

Just the act of touching the ashes was extremely humbling. But the reality is, those ashes aren't him.  They are his physical body, but not his essence. It represents him, but it is not how we remember him. Our memories are how we keep him close to us, and not by keeping the ashes around.  However, I can always hold him close to my heart now as I wear this pendant. 

I love it. 

Guess I Should Post Today

Today was 10 months ago that Barry died.

I don't remember what I was doing 10 months ago exactly.  It was all a blur to me, and remembering what I did to pass that first evening that Barry was dead is to much work.  I'm sure my mind has just blocked it out, because I remember certain things like having a glass of wine with my mom and sister the next night, and crying myself to sleep each night, and also waking up at 5AM on October 11th, crying my eyes out in my sleep.

Today I experienced something sad that I wished I could have shared with Barry.  Two and a half years ago, we put our first, and only home we owned together, on the market, because we could no longer afford it.  We landed up selling it a few months later, and moved to the house I just moved out of in April.  We loved that house so much, it broke my heart to have to sell it, but we had no choice but to sell.

On our way to dentist appointments in the same town today, I though we would stop by the old house and take a peek.  I had a friend of mine that had never seen it, so I thought we'd show the house and where we used to live.  I haven't driven by there in quite some time, so imagine my surprise when we noticed the house was abandoned.  Abandoned.  The yard was filled with three foot high brown grass, debris everywhere.  The backyard was even worse, it being an acre at least, and so much junk filled it.  We looked in the windows, and were greeted to sights of garbage in the house, old nasty furniture, and just general mess.  This house that we loved so much, was foreclosed on by the people that bought it from us.  Apparently, they left their dog there too, and my old neighbors landed up taking her in as their own.

The things that we loved so much about that house were just ruined. My old neighbor Shirley told me they took a gorgeous house (which was when we had it) and turned it into a crappy fixer upper. It broke my heart seeing it like that, because it was a beautiful home when we owned it.  I'm sad for that house, and I have half a mind to go buy it, but I won't be.  It's not worth it because we've closed that chapter in our lives, and the memories we have in that house would be too painful to relive.  Christmases, birthdays, taking A home from the hospital to that house, the wood stove that Barry loved so much, our 400sq foot master bedroom, my custom oak cabinets in the kitchen.  I wish I could have told Barry about all this, and I knew he would figuratively "roll over in his grave", if he knew.

I don't have much else to write.  I filled up the day without even realizing it, and didn't even realize it was the 10th until 11:30 this morning.  I can't believe I forgot.


P.S...I did get a new car on July 23d.  I landed up purchasing a Silver 2011 Honda Pilot.  I'm absolutely in LOVE with it.  It's fantastic and gorgeous and gets pretty good gas mileage.  I drove it off the lot with 9 miles on it!! I just LOVE it ;)

Dear Barry

Dearest Barry,

Hi baby. I haven't written you in a long time, and I feel this intense urge to do so today.  I should have done it last night, but I was so tired from our day in Seattle, that I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  I think if I had, I would be feeling much better right now rather than having woken up in a funky mood.

While we were in Seattle all day, I saw so many things that reminded me of you.  I was with a friend and the kids, and I had trouble holding back the tears on the way home.  I just couldn't cry, I wouldn't let myself.  We were at this one shop, and guess what I found???? A decal (well, a metal one) of the Flying Spaghetti Monster!!! I just laughed and laughed at that one, and bought it! I'm going to put it on the new car (more about that in a bit).  I just love it, but when I was looking at it, and buying it, I was desperately wanting to tell you about it.  Sometimes I have these moments where I just want to pick up the phone and call you, and tell you something about my day, or something funny that you and I would get.  I know you would get a kick out of that.  I wonder what people will think when they see it on the van. I also went to your favorite German store there, the Bavarian Delicatessen in the market.  The last time I was there was with you...and oh I missed you walking into there.  I picked up some Waffeln (ALL MINE mwuhahahaha) and some Pfefferminz Ritter Sport, because those were what you sent me back when we were engaged.  I saw the curry ketchup you liked, and almost bought it, but didn't, because you always liked it more than I. I got some amazing Rye bread too, that you would have loved, and had it this morning toasted with some cheese.  I almost bought some pumpernickel, but passed on that.  It all reminded me of when we'd go to Aldi in Mainz, and get the bread, cheese, all that wonderful food we'd have in our apartment.

Friday I turned 30.  I missed you that day.  I missed my giant birthday cake. I really really missed you honey. Maegen and Katie were here, and we went out for an awesome dinner, and then went to some bars downtown. Me in a bar? Can you believe it? I drank, and had fun, and danced.  It was a great way to ring in my 30s. My 20s were with you, but what will my 30s bring?

I'm buying a new vehicle. After you died, and the van was paid off b/c we were wise to get life insurance on it, things started going wrong with it.  And now the struts need replaced...and only on one side, but that's $500 right there.  Plus the "intake manifold gasket" needs replaced as well, and I just don't feel like shelling out $1200 just for repairs. I've put so much money into it the last 7 months and I'm TIRED of it. I don't want to do it anymore.  Jesse (my mechanic at Midas) told me that its getting to the point where Fords become money pits, and the van has almost 100K miles on it. I need something practical for the kids and I that wont break down so much, or give me a fear of it breaking down, and I will be going the SUV way.  I'm not doing the "swagger waggon" thing anymore haha.  I'm not sure yet if I will trade it in, or sell it outright, but I should get a fair amount for it because it has brand new tires and brand new brakes. Anyway...I just wanted to tell you that I'm getting something new, and I am pretty excited about it!!!

Honestly, it kind of boggles my mind to have all this new stuff.  New house, new body, new clothes, new car, new everything. It's surreal to have all this without you here.  I know you'd be happy for me, and hopefully you trust my judgement enough to know I am doing what I feel is best for the kids and I.  I'm doing as best as I can without you darling, but it is so hard.

Next week the kids and I are headed up to BC for our annual trip to BC.  This time without you. I'm so happy you were able to go last year with us, and we have those memories of our trip to Canada.  It won't be the same without you Barry, but I suppose we have to get used to it because you won't ever be coming back.  Now I'm going to have to go to Karl's and get stroop waffles without you, and not share the droopjies with you, and all that other stuff we loved doing. I miss you so much Barry, I would give anything to have you here with us.

Well, the sun is shining and I need to do some weeding outside before the garden is overrun.  I'll talk to you soon darling.  I love you!

Love,
Me
xoxoxoxp

Happy Birthday To Me!!!

I'm 30 Today!!! An Old Maid if you want to refer to me as that! LOL

I don't want to write too much, as I have a busy day ahead of me.  I'm on my way to go buy a Tiara to wear out to dinner and to the bar tonight! I have friends coming to dinner, and my sister, a friend and I are going bar hopping tonight. I plan to enter my 30s in style! And probably throwing up in my kitchen sink later tonight.
Yes, I have a babysitter, and we are taking a cab. I am somewhat responsible.

I wrote a whole big birthday post yesterday, so I really don't want to delve into all those emotions again today.  But what I do want to do is post my birthday song.  This is so incredibly special to me, because it was played last year on my birthday by Barry.  Little did we know it would be the last birthday he celebrated with me. I copied the text I wrote on face book, because I don't even want to have to re-write it.

My Birthday Song courtesy of Barry. Last year we were on our way to BC on my 29th Birthday, and had to stop at the bank to take out some cash on our way there. I was PISSED at him b/c I thought I had forgotten my makeup bag at the house and he wouldn't let me go back to the house to get it (even though we were less than 10 min away). He told me to just buy new makeup when we got to Canada, and of course I was NOT happy b/c I wanted my own stuff.  We got to the bank, and even though he had told me not to dig through the suitcases, I waited for him to go inside, and then tore through them looking for my makeup bag.  I found it, but never told him.  I pretended to be mad still when he got back to the van from being inside.  When we were pulling out of the bank parking lot, he looks at me...puts this song on and starts singing and making fun. I couldn't help but not be mad anymore. That was his way, he always tried to make me laugh.  And now I have this awesome memory of him on my last bday with him

Dearest Barry, thank you for making that birthday so incredibly special, even though you never knew it would be my last birthday with you.  I will always have special memories of that day, and thank you for giving me that lasting gift.  I miss you, and will always love you more than words can express.  You'll always be my Sexy Man ;)

Love forever,

me xoxoxp