Friday, October 07, 2011

Blast From The Past...October 7th 2009

Today I've been ok...completely different from yesterday when I was balling my eyes out first thing in the morning.  My mom is here for E's 9th birthday this weekend, and thankfully the party business has helped keep my mind off Barry.

I try to avoid thoughts of him...or should I say, I try to avoid thoughts of this weekend.  There are too many painful memories, and if I don't block it out, I find myself thinking about it constantly.  What was I doing this time, how was Barry, etc etc etc.  It's a vicious cycle.

I know I said I would write "the story of how you died"...but I've barely started.  I can't do it yet, I'm avoiding it.  I will have to write it the night of the 9th I think after the kids go to bed because it's just too painful for me to visit right now.  I need to get through tomorrow.  I have to.


Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Another Update

I've been at the hospital a million times in the last few days it seems.
I wasn't able to go today till after lunch, as I had a dental appointment this morning and the kids' school had late start.
So he's doing ok, a little better than yesterday. His O2 levels were 100% yesterday in the morning, and they've slowly been lowering them to 60%. He is still on the respirator, has a feeding tube, and all that other stuff.
Today he was really agitated and kept trying to write something. he was making the motion with his right hand that he wanted a pen. I kept telling him no, and he kept getting upset. He was also trying to talk to me, and lift his head. So the had to sedate him more because he was getting too upset. I told him to blink twice if he loved me, and he did. <3 He looked at me too, and recognized me, so that gave me great comfort. I was able to calm him down a few times, but at one point his heart rate went up to 200.
Right now i don't know what's going to happen. We're all hoping for the best, and he is on the road to improvement it seems, but he is still very very sick.
I don't have anything much to post, but perhaps tonight I will have more information.
My mom is here, so I can stay long tonight if I want. I'm going back tomorrow for the morning. And then tomorrow night. Over, and over and over again. It's a routine now, and i feel very friendly with the nurses, lol.
I'm sorry if I don't seem distraught, upset, whatever. I'm just plugging away at it and trying to keep my head up for him and the kids. Sometimes I just need a break from the hospital. I'm sure he understands, I can't stay there all the time. I'm still scared, and I miss him desperately. I really really miss him. I just wish I could feel him hug me and kiss me. 
'm sorry if I don't seem distraught, upset, whatever. I'm just plugging away at it and trying to keep my head up for him and the kids. Sometimes I just need a break from the hospital. I'm sure he understands, I can't stay there all the time. I'm still scared, and I miss him desperately. I really really miss him. I just wish I could feel him hug me and kiss me. Honestly, I'm kind of running on auto pilot now. My appetite is almost non-existant, I've had just yogurt and a banana today with a glass of milk. I'm just not hungry. I've lost weight already, I weighed myself last night and I was down a few pounds in just a couple days. I have managed to eat dinner, last night a friend brought us some delicious spaghetti. it's just nice not having to cook. Someone else is bringing us dinner again tonight. If anyone I know is reading this, then dinner would be most welcome next week. I know you all told me to ask, so here I am asking! Please call and ask. Or if someone can watch our youngest during the day, I would love it.
This morning I found some photo paper that I had, and printed off some photos for him to tape up on his wall. I thought he would like to have some of us that he could look at once he is feeling somewhat better.
Until later...

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

This Gets Old Fast

No news yet. Nothing has really changed except they have lowered his O2 levels to 50%, which is good. But his blood gas still isn't high enough. Maybe they'll try get him off the respirator tomorrow, but they don't know.
people keep asking me if he's going to get better and I just don't know. I don't have any answers and I'm tired of getting asked that question. I understand everyone wants to know, and this is just a normal response, but I just don't have the answers. please don't be offended if you're one of those who asks me, it's just that as a whole, I really hate it. If anyone wants answers, it's me.
He was responsive again, and was able to communicate with me a bit by hand squeezes, blinks and head nods.
I'm tired of this hospital routine and it's only been 4 days, almost 5. It's physically, emotionally and mentally exhausting. I know he wants me and needs me there, but I can only handle a couple visits a day. I usually go in the morning and late at night. It's ok to do this, right? He knows I love him, and I'd do anything...I just need a break from it all.
I'm so testy lately with other people, I can't tolerate idiots  so today at the grocery store I saw some woman park her car maybe two feet in the parking spot, and the rest on the "aisle", so I wrote her a note and stuck it on her windshield telling her to learn how to park. I just can't stand stupid people right now, and I'm tired of being asked questions all the time.
Right now I'm just trying to get through the weekend. I will have to deal with a whole new routine on Monday because it's half days all week, and mom won't be here. I have to rely on friends again to help out with childcare. I'm scared I won't be able to find someone to help me with the kids, even though some people said they would. I know I cant go to the hospital from 1PM till the kids are in bed, so I need someone from 9AM till 12/1PM, and then 8/9 PM till 11PM.
I miss my husband so much. I hate seeing him like this. I need him to get better. I just need a hug from him

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