Can you guess where I'm headed with this?
M I C K E Y M O U S E!!!
The kids and I need to get away. We need a distraction from life in general, where we can just focus on having FUN, and doing exciting things. We need something to look forward to.
Honestly, I was seriously considering going the Europe route. Barry and I always wanted to take the kids back when they were older. I'd love to do that now, but honestly, I don't think that the kids would enjoy it very much. And A being dragged around London and Paris and Germany at 4 years old? no thanks. That's a melt down waiting to happen. As much as I would love, love, LOVE to do that, I just can't right now. The kids wouldn't appreciate it as much as I would like them too, so that will be on hold for a few years. That way I can also ask my nomadic brother to come with us. I'll want to take the kids to all of our old haunts in Germany, see as much of England/Ireland/Scotland that we can, and also go to France and maybe even Prague. So you can see why that will be hard with all the kids, at this age especially.
So Disneyland it shall be. I can't go during May, because that's when the kids have their WASL testing. Our spring break isn't until the first week in April, but I'm thinking Disneyland will be too busy then. So my other options are between the 22nd and 26th of March, not including weekends (Early release week because of Conferences), and then the last week of March right before Spring Break, and then I would keep them out for two weeks. Anyone that's gone, when is a good time to go? I've always found Easter break to be easy too, which is when I went as a young kid and it was never too busy.
I am craving some time away. I just want to leave to be completely honest. I want a break. No, I don't want, I NEED a break. We just need to get away and have fun! Go to Disneyland, go to Disney's California Adventure, Knott's Berry Farm, do all that fun stuff.
So my task for you is this...help me plan! Give me advice on the trip, EVERYTHING about Disneyland that you can. Money is not really an object, I'm not worried about that. I'm planning on splurging a bit anyway, as this will be a first plane trip vacation for the kids.
Any help you can give me would be much appreciated.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
A Forgotten Milestone Day
I've noticed that the last few days I've been exceptionally cranky.
My attitude has been really crappy, I've been snapping at the kids, I have a very short fuse. And I'm just feeling under the weather.
But I couldn't put my finger on it, and today at MOPS a light bulb went off. I was talking to a friend there who asked how I was doing and I said I was OK, but it really comes and goes. I happened to glance down at my watch to check the time/date, and then it hit me.
December 15th. It was December 15th.
Exactly 10 years ago today I arrived in Germany to marry Barry. I left Edmonton, AB the night of the 14th, and arrived in Germany at 10:40 local time. And thus began the next 10 years of my life. We were married two weeks later.
Isn't it interesting how you forget days like this sometimes? And then it just hits you, and you realize that it affects you so much more than you realize. And the effects can last a few days even, as your body slowly recovers.
My appetite has been affected, as have been my moods. I was just exhausted this afternoon, and almost fell asleep on the couch. I had a headache as well, and a sore back.
Can I just sleep through till the middle of March so I can bypass all the sad days?
My attitude has been really crappy, I've been snapping at the kids, I have a very short fuse. And I'm just feeling under the weather.
But I couldn't put my finger on it, and today at MOPS a light bulb went off. I was talking to a friend there who asked how I was doing and I said I was OK, but it really comes and goes. I happened to glance down at my watch to check the time/date, and then it hit me.
December 15th. It was December 15th.
Exactly 10 years ago today I arrived in Germany to marry Barry. I left Edmonton, AB the night of the 14th, and arrived in Germany at 10:40 local time. And thus began the next 10 years of my life. We were married two weeks later.
Isn't it interesting how you forget days like this sometimes? And then it just hits you, and you realize that it affects you so much more than you realize. And the effects can last a few days even, as your body slowly recovers.
My appetite has been affected, as have been my moods. I was just exhausted this afternoon, and almost fell asleep on the couch. I had a headache as well, and a sore back.
Can I just sleep through till the middle of March so I can bypass all the sad days?
Monday, December 14, 2009
Meet My New Best Friend
I was able to get this baby on sale for only 101.91 plus tax!
How you ask me?
Well, Amazon had them on sale for $239.99, and then there is a rebate of $30. PLUS, when I cleaned out Barry's truck, I found a crap load of change. And I mean a lot. I took it to Coinstar where you can get free coin counting if you pick certain gift cards, and I picked an amazon one. With the change from his truck, I was able to get $108.08!!!! I also picked up a matching hand mixer in the same color for only $20. (not a KitchenAid, but the same red none the less).
I haven't used it yet, but I plan on it soon. I've been lusting after one of these for 10 years actually, and finally purchased one. I haven't had a new mixer in almost 5 years, so I am so excited to use this one.
I'll let you all know how it treats me!! I need to think up a good name for it. Any ideas?
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Putting Up The Tree
Today I was finally coerced into setting up our Christmas tree.
You see, I've been dragging my feet. a lot. I just haven't wanted to bother with it at all this year, but for the kids, I did it.
So this cold Saturday afternoon, I hauled my ass out to the shed, and dug through the countless bins to find what Christmas decorations I could actually handle putting up this year. What came out with me was the HUGE tree box, and 3 bins of lights, ornaments, stockings and a few decor items. I just couldn't do anymore. I think I have another couple bins in there, but I did not want to bother putting them up this year. I decided to simplify.
We spent an entire afternoon putting up the tree and decorating. I was dreading putting up the tree. Absolutely dreading it. You see, I have NEVER put the tree up by myself. Not once. There has always been family there, or Barry when he was home to help with it.
November of 2001 was when we bought this tree. We've had it for 8 years now! I remember walking through Wal Mart with Barry when the twins were just babies, and I said to him we should get a smaller tree. But No, he INSISTED we get the biggest and tallest tree we could, just so we'd never have to buy another. So $80 later, we came home with this 7.5 foot tall, 5 feet wide at the base, monstrosity of a tree. And we still have it. And it's not pre-lit. sigh. Putting the lights on is the most challenging thing. I could have done more, but I settled for only 3 strands this year. I just couldn't do more as I despise putting on the lights.
In 2002, when E was just brand new, my sister was visiting us, and we actually all put the tree up on Christmas Eve. That was the day that Barry interviewed for his 2nd to last job at McLane Northwest, which he was hired for. We didn't get home that night till really really late, so we all pitched in and did it late Christmas eve. That was also the day that V said the "f" word for the first time, LOL. Ahhh such memories of Xmas 2002!! 2003 Barry was home, and we did it all together. 2004, I don't remember much of that, but I'm pretty sure my mom and sister were there (By then Barry was working for his "current" job, and was already over the road). 2005 we were at our first home, and my mom/sister and I did it together, same for 2006 when A was a baby. 2007 and 2008 were also subsequent years with my mom and sister, as we almost always did it Sinter Klaas weekend. Last year, 2008, my sister did most of it with me and she did a horrible, HORRIBLE, job. After her and my mom left, I actually took off ALL the decorations, all the lights, and re-fluffed the tree. Then I put everything back on, after buying more lights. I know she is reading this, and her and I had a good laugh about that tonight. She is a horrible tree fluffer, just horrible. I still love you though Mafido!
This was my very first year putting it together on my own without any help, and I was scared. Just because it was the first time doing it without anyone, and the tree is not always easy to put together. I was cursing myself because I couldn't figure out what went were, but half way through assembling it, I found the diagram that Barry drew for me last year. I breathed a sigh of relief as I found that piece of paper, and tucked it safely into an ornament box for using next year, silently thanking him for doing that.
Now our tree is up, it looks beautiful and is our usual mish-mash of balls, homemade ornaments, bought ornaments, and my extensive collection of Hallmark ornaments. It was a bit emotional putting up the tree, remembering all these ornaments I had bought over the year. Seeing the first ones I had made for this tree, ones I had made for Barry, the one he made for E when she was just a baby, and crying softly while putting some of them on. A new addition to our tree this year was one special ornament I bought for him in October after he passed. A special spot on the tree, front and center, was reserved just for this ornament:
On the back it says "The true testament of a life well-lived is the love we leave behind".
That certainly is true.
******someone asked me where I purchased this ornament. I got it at Hallmark*********
You see, I've been dragging my feet. a lot. I just haven't wanted to bother with it at all this year, but for the kids, I did it.
So this cold Saturday afternoon, I hauled my ass out to the shed, and dug through the countless bins to find what Christmas decorations I could actually handle putting up this year. What came out with me was the HUGE tree box, and 3 bins of lights, ornaments, stockings and a few decor items. I just couldn't do anymore. I think I have another couple bins in there, but I did not want to bother putting them up this year. I decided to simplify.
We spent an entire afternoon putting up the tree and decorating. I was dreading putting up the tree. Absolutely dreading it. You see, I have NEVER put the tree up by myself. Not once. There has always been family there, or Barry when he was home to help with it.
November of 2001 was when we bought this tree. We've had it for 8 years now! I remember walking through Wal Mart with Barry when the twins were just babies, and I said to him we should get a smaller tree. But No, he INSISTED we get the biggest and tallest tree we could, just so we'd never have to buy another. So $80 later, we came home with this 7.5 foot tall, 5 feet wide at the base, monstrosity of a tree. And we still have it. And it's not pre-lit. sigh. Putting the lights on is the most challenging thing. I could have done more, but I settled for only 3 strands this year. I just couldn't do more as I despise putting on the lights.
In 2002, when E was just brand new, my sister was visiting us, and we actually all put the tree up on Christmas Eve. That was the day that Barry interviewed for his 2nd to last job at McLane Northwest, which he was hired for. We didn't get home that night till really really late, so we all pitched in and did it late Christmas eve. That was also the day that V said the "f" word for the first time, LOL. Ahhh such memories of Xmas 2002!! 2003 Barry was home, and we did it all together. 2004, I don't remember much of that, but I'm pretty sure my mom and sister were there (By then Barry was working for his "current" job, and was already over the road). 2005 we were at our first home, and my mom/sister and I did it together, same for 2006 when A was a baby. 2007 and 2008 were also subsequent years with my mom and sister, as we almost always did it Sinter Klaas weekend. Last year, 2008, my sister did most of it with me and she did a horrible, HORRIBLE, job. After her and my mom left, I actually took off ALL the decorations, all the lights, and re-fluffed the tree. Then I put everything back on, after buying more lights. I know she is reading this, and her and I had a good laugh about that tonight. She is a horrible tree fluffer, just horrible. I still love you though Mafido!
This was my very first year putting it together on my own without any help, and I was scared. Just because it was the first time doing it without anyone, and the tree is not always easy to put together. I was cursing myself because I couldn't figure out what went were, but half way through assembling it, I found the diagram that Barry drew for me last year. I breathed a sigh of relief as I found that piece of paper, and tucked it safely into an ornament box for using next year, silently thanking him for doing that.
Now our tree is up, it looks beautiful and is our usual mish-mash of balls, homemade ornaments, bought ornaments, and my extensive collection of Hallmark ornaments. It was a bit emotional putting up the tree, remembering all these ornaments I had bought over the year. Seeing the first ones I had made for this tree, ones I had made for Barry, the one he made for E when she was just a baby, and crying softly while putting some of them on. A new addition to our tree this year was one special ornament I bought for him in October after he passed. A special spot on the tree, front and center, was reserved just for this ornament:
On the back it says "The true testament of a life well-lived is the love we leave behind".
That certainly is true.
******someone asked me where I purchased this ornament. I got it at Hallmark*********
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Two Months Ago
In Loving Memory
Barry N. Bender, Jr.
3-6-80 to 10-10-09
I will love you forever and always sexy man.
Barry N. Bender, Jr.
3-6-80 to 10-10-09
I will love you forever and always sexy man.
I've been writing this blog post off and on for the past week, gleaning bits of information from myself to write today.
Today is the magical number two. Two months. 8 Weeks and 5 days exactly. 87,840 minutes.
It has been that long since Barry died.
And you know what? I'm OK. I really am. most of the time. Today though, because it has been two months, I am sad. And I am crying, but I am OK. I am OK because I know that he loves me, and he will always love me. And I am OK because I know that I gave him his forever, even though he couldn't give it to me. I gave him the most love he could ever receive, I was a good wife, I was a good mother to his kids, I was his everything. He died knowing that I loved him, and that he was loved. And now in tribute to him, I am going to continue to live because that is what he would have wanted.
I still miss him terribly, but that awful heart wrenching pain has dissipated quite a bit. And for that I am thankful. I am thankful I can go to bed without crying, without feeling desperation all day, without feeling like I HAVE to grieve. I can go about a normal day and be a normal person. I love the picture that I posted of him. I took it this past summer at Fort Langley when we were visiting my mom. He rarely smiled in pictures, but in this one I can just see a smile coming out. I can look at it and see his mouth break open into a smile, while he looks at me. Even his eyes are smiling.
My cousin Heidi wrote a note on face book that really struck a cord with me. She wrote exactly how I felt, have felt, was feeling. She wrote about how you never think things are going to get better, and how it seems all you're going to do is hurt. But that time heals.
And it's true, it really is. Time heals all wounds, even though it seems like complete bullshit when you first hear it.
To quote Barry,
"But in realizing death, we must also remember to live. Time heals all wounds. Grief is normal, and it will pass"
I've had to repeat that to myself many times over the past two months. It seemed at first that nothing would get better, that I could never be happy again, that I would never get past this. And I really did walk around in a fog, just had this cloud above my head that was dark and thunderous. Eventually it started to go away, slowly, but it's gone now. Sometime last month, a couple weeks before I wrote my post about "It's Time", is when I finally started feeling normal. I still wrote grief posts after that, because I felt I had to, but not because I wanted to. I felt it was expected of me. Like I had to bow to society's standards about how I have to grieve. But you know what? Fuck Society. Really. I don't care what everyone else thinks. I'm an adult, I am independent, and I will make my OWN decisions and stop worrying about what everyone else thinks of me. I can thank Barry for helping me cultivate that attitude/view on life, because without him, I wouldn't have it. I will grieve in my own way, and if someone doesn't understand then they can just keep that to themselves.
Then I think about what he said, and I realize that time does heal all wounds. I can look back at him now and smile, and remember without my heart breaking. I still get teary eyed sometimes, and I will always miss him and love him. He'll never be forgotten. He'll always live on in us.
I had my ring cut off on Monday. I didn't feel right wearing it anymore. I'm not married anymore, so why wear it? My fingers were too chubby to take it off myself, so I went to a local Jeweler, and had them cut it off. BUT BUT...I'm also having mine and his re-soldered together, so they are intertwined. Not sure what I'll do with them after that, but I'm not worried about that yet. They are very special to me, and we have the exact same ring, a plain gold band he bought from a German jewelery store. This way, if the kids want later in life, they can get them made into wedding bands for themselves, and have something special that was mine and Barry's. I've also gotten rid of most of his stuff. I've kept all the important mementos like pictures, cards, his wallet, knives/guns, last outfit he ever wore, his favorite t-shirt and one shirt for each of the kids. And I kept most of his DVDs, and his computers. But everything else went to goodwill. I don't want it anymore. I just needed to get rid of it, as it is cluttering up my life. I just can't have it around anymore. I'm ready to move on. I think he would be exceptionally proud of me for how strong I have been, for how I've held up in this time of adversity. I know he is proud of me. He ALWAYS encouraged me to become more independent, to stop worrying about what everyone thought of me, to be my own person, and I finally am. He would be extremely proud of me for standing on my own two feet!
In just under a month we'll be ringing in a new year. I'm going to make 2010 the best that I can. I'm going to Live, Love, Laugh, and Be Happy.
Then I think about what he said, and I realize that time does heal all wounds. I can look back at him now and smile, and remember without my heart breaking. I still get teary eyed sometimes, and I will always miss him and love him. He'll never be forgotten. He'll always live on in us.
I had my ring cut off on Monday. I didn't feel right wearing it anymore. I'm not married anymore, so why wear it? My fingers were too chubby to take it off myself, so I went to a local Jeweler, and had them cut it off. BUT BUT...I'm also having mine and his re-soldered together, so they are intertwined. Not sure what I'll do with them after that, but I'm not worried about that yet. They are very special to me, and we have the exact same ring, a plain gold band he bought from a German jewelery store. This way, if the kids want later in life, they can get them made into wedding bands for themselves, and have something special that was mine and Barry's. I've also gotten rid of most of his stuff. I've kept all the important mementos like pictures, cards, his wallet, knives/guns, last outfit he ever wore, his favorite t-shirt and one shirt for each of the kids. And I kept most of his DVDs, and his computers. But everything else went to goodwill. I don't want it anymore. I just needed to get rid of it, as it is cluttering up my life. I just can't have it around anymore. I'm ready to move on. I think he would be exceptionally proud of me for how strong I have been, for how I've held up in this time of adversity. I know he is proud of me. He ALWAYS encouraged me to become more independent, to stop worrying about what everyone thought of me, to be my own person, and I finally am. He would be extremely proud of me for standing on my own two feet!
In just under a month we'll be ringing in a new year. I'm going to make 2010 the best that I can. I'm going to Live, Love, Laugh, and Be Happy.
Monday, December 07, 2009
Today
I can't think of a good heading for today, so Today it shall be.
Yesterday I went through Barry's clothes, and decided what to keep and what to get rid of. I'd say we're keeping a large majority of his stuff, but he didn't have a lot of stuff anyway. Most of the clothes are going to goodwill except a few select things we're keeping for memories. I'll be looking for a big tote today so that I can store it all in.
With everything that's been going on, I've failed to realize that Christmas is right around the corner. Oops! I have hardly any decorations up, but I am done with my shopping. Ok, not done, but I just have to get some stocking stuffers, and a gift for my step dad. Today I plan to get a few things, but I've also got to focus on the rest of my decluttering, and goodwill donations. Company is coming from out of town...duh duh duh duh....in two weeks, so I really really have to get on the ball with that.
How is everyone else doing with their christmas prep? I haven't even started any baking! That's another thing I need to do, get my Christmas baking list done and do the shopping for that too.
I'm feeling just a little overwhelmed.
Yesterday I went through Barry's clothes, and decided what to keep and what to get rid of. I'd say we're keeping a large majority of his stuff, but he didn't have a lot of stuff anyway. Most of the clothes are going to goodwill except a few select things we're keeping for memories. I'll be looking for a big tote today so that I can store it all in.
With everything that's been going on, I've failed to realize that Christmas is right around the corner. Oops! I have hardly any decorations up, but I am done with my shopping. Ok, not done, but I just have to get some stocking stuffers, and a gift for my step dad. Today I plan to get a few things, but I've also got to focus on the rest of my decluttering, and goodwill donations. Company is coming from out of town...duh duh duh duh....in two weeks, so I really really have to get on the ball with that.
How is everyone else doing with their christmas prep? I haven't even started any baking! That's another thing I need to do, get my Christmas baking list done and do the shopping for that too.
I'm feeling just a little overwhelmed.
Friday, December 04, 2009
Battle Of The Bulge
Something in me has changed these last couple months.
I have lost 33.5lbs!!! Only 11.5lbs more to reach my first goal of 43lbs, and then I can hit the big magic number that is 50!!
I will be the first to admit that before Barry died, all I did was snack, snack, snack and snack some more. Peanut M&Ms and Twizzlers were my friends, keeping me company at all times. *sigh*
When he died, I lost my appetite, and along with my appetite, my desire for sweets.
And now I don't care to eat them at all. Do you know, I can honestly say I can not remember the last time I bought myself a candy bar? a bag of candy? I really have no desire to eat it anymore, and I am so happy about that. But I think before this all happened, I ate because I was lonely. Because I had no one to talk to, nothing to do, nothing that gave me any purpose.
I'm not saying I am not lonely, but you know, I have made so many new friends and talked to so many people that I don't feel lonely anymore. And I have no reason to eat junk food anymore, why would I?
I think seeing yourself lose so much weight is just the motivation you need. In the grand scheme of things, what I've lost isn't that much for now. I still have a long ways to go, but I am getting there at a good pace and doing well with it. I've gone down two jeans sizes, and I'm about to hit my 3d within a few pounds more. I also think it's about time to buy some new bras and unders, as they're getting a bit big too. My shirt sizes have even gone down 1-2 sizes. My body is just eating up the fat like there's no tomorrow. And why? I just don't have much of an appetite. My body has gotten used to not getting sugar for energy, and is using it's own fat stores to fuel me.
I think I am going to add some exercise into the mix, but I haven't gotten quite brave enough to do that yet. I do have the Wii Fit, but I am also wanting to get a Gym membership.
Maybe one day I'll be brave enough to do a before and after shot, but not yet.
I have lost 33.5lbs!!! Only 11.5lbs more to reach my first goal of 43lbs, and then I can hit the big magic number that is 50!!
I will be the first to admit that before Barry died, all I did was snack, snack, snack and snack some more. Peanut M&Ms and Twizzlers were my friends, keeping me company at all times. *sigh*
When he died, I lost my appetite, and along with my appetite, my desire for sweets.
And now I don't care to eat them at all. Do you know, I can honestly say I can not remember the last time I bought myself a candy bar? a bag of candy? I really have no desire to eat it anymore, and I am so happy about that. But I think before this all happened, I ate because I was lonely. Because I had no one to talk to, nothing to do, nothing that gave me any purpose.
I'm not saying I am not lonely, but you know, I have made so many new friends and talked to so many people that I don't feel lonely anymore. And I have no reason to eat junk food anymore, why would I?
I think seeing yourself lose so much weight is just the motivation you need. In the grand scheme of things, what I've lost isn't that much for now. I still have a long ways to go, but I am getting there at a good pace and doing well with it. I've gone down two jeans sizes, and I'm about to hit my 3d within a few pounds more. I also think it's about time to buy some new bras and unders, as they're getting a bit big too. My shirt sizes have even gone down 1-2 sizes. My body is just eating up the fat like there's no tomorrow. And why? I just don't have much of an appetite. My body has gotten used to not getting sugar for energy, and is using it's own fat stores to fuel me.
I think I am going to add some exercise into the mix, but I haven't gotten quite brave enough to do that yet. I do have the Wii Fit, but I am also wanting to get a Gym membership.
Maybe one day I'll be brave enough to do a before and after shot, but not yet.
Thursday, December 03, 2009
Miss Me?
I miss you guys too, but this week has been crazy! I haven't had time to blog at all, but I will be getting a post up SOON. I promise. I'll do it this weekend.
I've been very very distracted this week and I haven't been able to even think of what to write, or even when to write it.
Come back soon!
I've been very very distracted this week and I haven't been able to even think of what to write, or even when to write it.
Come back soon!
Monday, November 30, 2009
It's Time
Dear Readers;
What I'm going to write about today has been weighing heavily on my mind for awhile, and I've struggled with coming to terms with it, how to acknowledge it, and just how to proceed from there. I had a couple really awesome conversations last night with a couple people, one including my sister, that really helped me realize that this is what I want to do right now.
And without further adieu, here we go...
I'm not going to blog about grief for long time.
It has been almost two months since Barry died. I have trouble beleiving that myself, only two months? I remember the week after he died, when we were all busy with funeral preparations and dealing with that and the aftermath, time just crept by so very slowly. And then my family left, and I thought time couldn't go fast enough. All I wanted was for time to pass. Now here I am, the last day of November, and I'm shocked that he's been dead for two months almost.
The last two months have been filled with unmeasurable sorrow. Buckets of tears, little sleep, spending lots of money because I just needed to keep busy. We've done the Grief Support group thing (next week the 10th is our last meeting, we're skipping this week because the three older kids have the Christmas Choir performance) too, and we've just tried to deal with this dynamic change in our family. And it has been the HARDEST thing I have ever had to do.
I will always love him, that is never going to change. How could I not? We were married for almost 10 years and have 4 children together. He was my life for over 10 years.
But now he's dead.
And honestly, that changes things now. How can I be in love with a dead man? Does that sound callous? I certainly don't intend for it to sound that way, but the love that I have for him, its changing in some ways. It's so hard to explain unless you've actually lost a spouse; You will always love them, always hold them in your heart and memories, but you can't live a live with a dead person. You can't talk to a dead person...well, you can, but not in person and you certainly won't get a response. I don't think the love will fade, but it just changes.
Blogging about him has been so therapeutic, it has helped me to work with my grief and somehow, somewhat, come to terms with it. But it is so emotionally exhausting to talk about it all. the. time. Ever stopped by here and wondered why there wasn't a post one day? this is why. All I've been blogging about for these last two months has been Grief and Barry, and I just CAN'T anymore. I just can't. Theres no saying I won't blog about grief again, I probably will, and at certain milestones too. But this grief blogging day after day after day after day, is really getting old. How many times can I really say how sad I am? And I do think that blogging about him all the time is prolonging my sadness. Of course if I write about it, I'm going to be sad and all that encompasses.
I want to be happy again, I am going to be happy again. I don't want to wake up each day and think that I have to grieve, have to be sad all the time because my husband is dead. Society has made us think that once you lose a spouse, you should grieve for the longest time possible, perhaps the rest of your life. But I'm only 29, I'm not destined to spend the rest of my life grieving and mourning the loss of my husband. I'm not destined to spend the rest of my life alone! I do want to love again, and one day I hope I can even get remarried. I'm going to get through the holidays this month (ok, next month, but its only one day, does it really matter?), and start 2010 afresh. 2010 is going to be a new year for us! I'm going to make it the best year I can. We're going to go to see family in PA hopefully in the summer for a reunion, I'm going to try take the kids to Disneyworld or Disneyland, and I'm even thinking about going camping with them too! We're going to LIVE, and enjoy, and be happy again.
I hope you will all come to visit and read my blog still. I love having you all here, reading about us, encouraging me, and being such awesome supportive friends. It has meant so much to me.
And with that, I say goodbye to grief blogging for now. I will be blogging still regularly, so come back to visit!! I've found a new love for writing, and I enjoy it!!
What I'm going to write about today has been weighing heavily on my mind for awhile, and I've struggled with coming to terms with it, how to acknowledge it, and just how to proceed from there. I had a couple really awesome conversations last night with a couple people, one including my sister, that really helped me realize that this is what I want to do right now.
And without further adieu, here we go...
I'm not going to blog about grief for long time.
It has been almost two months since Barry died. I have trouble beleiving that myself, only two months? I remember the week after he died, when we were all busy with funeral preparations and dealing with that and the aftermath, time just crept by so very slowly. And then my family left, and I thought time couldn't go fast enough. All I wanted was for time to pass. Now here I am, the last day of November, and I'm shocked that he's been dead for two months almost.
The last two months have been filled with unmeasurable sorrow. Buckets of tears, little sleep, spending lots of money because I just needed to keep busy. We've done the Grief Support group thing (next week the 10th is our last meeting, we're skipping this week because the three older kids have the Christmas Choir performance) too, and we've just tried to deal with this dynamic change in our family. And it has been the HARDEST thing I have ever had to do.
I will always love him, that is never going to change. How could I not? We were married for almost 10 years and have 4 children together. He was my life for over 10 years.
But now he's dead.
And honestly, that changes things now. How can I be in love with a dead man? Does that sound callous? I certainly don't intend for it to sound that way, but the love that I have for him, its changing in some ways. It's so hard to explain unless you've actually lost a spouse; You will always love them, always hold them in your heart and memories, but you can't live a live with a dead person. You can't talk to a dead person...well, you can, but not in person and you certainly won't get a response. I don't think the love will fade, but it just changes.
Blogging about him has been so therapeutic, it has helped me to work with my grief and somehow, somewhat, come to terms with it. But it is so emotionally exhausting to talk about it all. the. time. Ever stopped by here and wondered why there wasn't a post one day? this is why. All I've been blogging about for these last two months has been Grief and Barry, and I just CAN'T anymore. I just can't. Theres no saying I won't blog about grief again, I probably will, and at certain milestones too. But this grief blogging day after day after day after day, is really getting old. How many times can I really say how sad I am? And I do think that blogging about him all the time is prolonging my sadness. Of course if I write about it, I'm going to be sad and all that encompasses.
I want to be happy again, I am going to be happy again. I don't want to wake up each day and think that I have to grieve, have to be sad all the time because my husband is dead. Society has made us think that once you lose a spouse, you should grieve for the longest time possible, perhaps the rest of your life. But I'm only 29, I'm not destined to spend the rest of my life grieving and mourning the loss of my husband. I'm not destined to spend the rest of my life alone! I do want to love again, and one day I hope I can even get remarried. I'm going to get through the holidays this month (ok, next month, but its only one day, does it really matter?), and start 2010 afresh. 2010 is going to be a new year for us! I'm going to make it the best year I can. We're going to go to see family in PA hopefully in the summer for a reunion, I'm going to try take the kids to Disneyworld or Disneyland, and I'm even thinking about going camping with them too! We're going to LIVE, and enjoy, and be happy again.
I hope you will all come to visit and read my blog still. I love having you all here, reading about us, encouraging me, and being such awesome supportive friends. It has meant so much to me.
And with that, I say goodbye to grief blogging for now. I will be blogging still regularly, so come back to visit!! I've found a new love for writing, and I enjoy it!!
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Worst Kid Event Ever
Today I met some friends, and we took our kids to the Christmas Tree Forest, which is put on by the hospital here in town.
Never again.
It was an awful, stressful afternoon.
The only good parts were seeing Jason and his family, and Polly and her daughter. I dressed all the kids in red as well because I suspected that Santa would be there and I wanted to get pictures of them with him. Thankfully those turned out, for the most part, but it was hot, crowded, and tiring. A had TWO melt downs, and managed to smudge her cute Santa face painting in the process.
The afternoon was capped off with junior booty dancers. Now, I'm not against dance classes, and I think they're great for kids. But the costumes? OMG they were way too sexy for little girls! Even the teens! I was not impressed at all. And let's not even get started on the dancing....yikes! Since when does hip gyrating and revealing clothing belong at a Christmas event where we're looking at Christmas trees? Wow PSP, you really outdid yourself this time!
We had had about enough at this point, the kids were cranky, it was really loud, and my back hurt from everything I was carrying around. We said our goodbyes to Jason and Lindsay, and then I took the kids into the lobby to try a few more pictures. That was just as bad! I took the photos as best as I could, but A would NOT look at the camera, so I had the boy hold her face still, but that didn't work at all. V looked bored in most of the pictures too. Having enough of that crap, I just decided to call it a day.
When I got home, I noticed that E and A both had smudged faces from their face paint. A's was from crying and rubbing her cheeks, but E looked like she had eaten dirt! Oh well, it will make for a nice photo collage on the Christmas card, and we'll laugh at it later, lol.
At least it was a nice distraction from reality, and kept us occupied for an afternoon. The last couple days have been full of activity, and I am thankful for that. I haven't had to do too much grieving lately, though Thanksgiving was pretty hard for me, especially since I didn't hear from any family either except from my sister and mom.
Now that Christmas is looming, I can't help but wonder how we are going to feel this holiday season. Will it be hard for us on Christmas, or will we be ok because we will have family there? Honestly, I'm not not as worried about Christmas as I am for our 10th Anniversary, which is four days later. I plan to have us out all day, doing something.
I just don't want to have to think about it.
Never again.
It was an awful, stressful afternoon.
The only good parts were seeing Jason and his family, and Polly and her daughter. I dressed all the kids in red as well because I suspected that Santa would be there and I wanted to get pictures of them with him. Thankfully those turned out, for the most part, but it was hot, crowded, and tiring. A had TWO melt downs, and managed to smudge her cute Santa face painting in the process.
The afternoon was capped off with junior booty dancers. Now, I'm not against dance classes, and I think they're great for kids. But the costumes? OMG they were way too sexy for little girls! Even the teens! I was not impressed at all. And let's not even get started on the dancing....yikes! Since when does hip gyrating and revealing clothing belong at a Christmas event where we're looking at Christmas trees? Wow PSP, you really outdid yourself this time!
We had had about enough at this point, the kids were cranky, it was really loud, and my back hurt from everything I was carrying around. We said our goodbyes to Jason and Lindsay, and then I took the kids into the lobby to try a few more pictures. That was just as bad! I took the photos as best as I could, but A would NOT look at the camera, so I had the boy hold her face still, but that didn't work at all. V looked bored in most of the pictures too. Having enough of that crap, I just decided to call it a day.
When I got home, I noticed that E and A both had smudged faces from their face paint. A's was from crying and rubbing her cheeks, but E looked like she had eaten dirt! Oh well, it will make for a nice photo collage on the Christmas card, and we'll laugh at it later, lol.
At least it was a nice distraction from reality, and kept us occupied for an afternoon. The last couple days have been full of activity, and I am thankful for that. I haven't had to do too much grieving lately, though Thanksgiving was pretty hard for me, especially since I didn't hear from any family either except from my sister and mom.
Now that Christmas is looming, I can't help but wonder how we are going to feel this holiday season. Will it be hard for us on Christmas, or will we be ok because we will have family there? Honestly, I'm not not as worried about Christmas as I am for our 10th Anniversary, which is four days later. I plan to have us out all day, doing something.
I just don't want to have to think about it.
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