I wanted to do individual thank yous to everyone, and even wrote out paragraphs to everyone, but I found it was just too much to write, and too emotional to do so. So I will make a list, and hopefully they're all reading this...and if not, they know how I feel. A thousand hugs and thank yous could not express my happiness at having you all in my life. I love all of you!!
*Jason and Lindsay
*Mimi, Monica, Connie and all the other ladies from Mops that came and helped me clean and unpack
*All of my awesome twitter friends, especially Rachel who ran the London Marathon, and ran a mile in Barry's memory. That made me cry. And Ian too, who is a fellow widowed single parent, and knows what it's like.
In other news, yesterday I took the spawn to a summer camp orientation/interview. It's through the Jamie Moyer foundation, and is called Camp Erin. It's geared specifically towards children that have, or are, experienced a significant loss in their life like that of a parent or sibling. It's a bit of a lengthy application process, and we won't find out for a good month, but I am pretty confident that the three olders will get in. It is just for a weekend in June, two nights only, but they will have so much fun.
Yesterday as I was driving them there, I got a little teary eyed. Thinking to myself, why do I have to do this? Bring my kids to a summer camp for Grieving Kids? WTF? how is that even fair to us? It isn't FAIR. Not one bit. I don't see why my kids have to grow up without their daddy, why they have to go to a summer camp because their daddy is dead.
And then I got a little angry at Barry. Because if he hadn't died, I wouldn't be in this situation. I wouldn't have had to take the kids out of school early to drive 45 minutes to Tacoma so they could have this opportunity. It's all his fault. I know he tried his damnedest to stay a live, I know that b/c I saw the look in his eyes, but he STILL DIED! He LEFT us. He put us in this situation, and I am so mad about it. I can't do anything about my life because he died, and no matter how much I want to go back and change what happened, I can't. It's infuriating, heart breaking, maddening. I hate this. And for the rest of our lives, we are going to have to deal with this heartbreak. Sometimes I just want to yell and scream at him for leaving us, and I have done that already. Maybe I need to do it again. Or get some aggression out again, something like that.
Barry knows I'm angry, and I think he's OK with that. I know he didn't want to leave us, and if he were in my situation, I'd expect him to be angry too. Anger is a perfectly normal part of grief, and I need people to know that sometimes I'm going to fucking hate Barry's guts because of what he did to us. Right now I'm angry and sad because I don't want us to be in this situation.