Saturday, April 10, 2010

Six Months Later

Right now at 9:30AM as I am writing this, 6 months ago Barry was completely "normal". He was alive, and joking and telling me he loved me. And then he died a mere hour and a half later. I am trying not to dwell on that today, but its hard. I am going to keep busy and run some errands with the kids.

I had all these grand plans to write a post about how he died because I figured six months would be a good date to let it all out. No one asked me to, no one pressured me to do it, but I decided not to do so because I am just not ready. I just can't handle the emotions that come with talking and writing about it. It is going to wait for another day, if i am ever ready that is.

I find it so incredibly hard to believe that six months have passed already. It seems a lifetime ago, yet it was only six months. And look how far the kids and I have come in just six months! I have done so much more than I thought I ever would do, and I've come out ahead most of the time. Time is flying by so quickly, and while I am thankful for that, I am also sad. As I told someone not that long ago, I feel like I am holding him clenched in my hands as tightly as I can, but no matter how tightly I grip my hands together, some of him is bound to seep out like little tiny grains of sand. I hold on as tight as I can to the memories, but as time goes on, I am so afraid I will forget him. Not necessarily him, but his little nuances, things he did and how he was. In the grand scheme of life, 11 years with someone is not that long considering we live for almost 100 years. That would only be 10% of my life that I spent with him, and it doesn't seem like it was nearly enough. I wanted 80%.

I finally started to write in my journal. I have no rhyme or reason to what or when I write, but whenever it strikes my fancy, I write down memories I have of him or us, things he told me, things he did as a child etc etc. Its for the kids mostly when they are older, so they can read about their daddy, and for me too, so I don't forget the little pieces of him. I only have one entry so far, but it's a start, right?

I am starting to get choked up writing this, and I'd like to keep it together today, so I am going to end this now. I have grocery shopping to do today, and still feel like I need to get this house into order because I took four days off this week when we went on vacation. We're almost all moved in, but there is still a lot of work to be done around the house organizing and unpacking.

4 comments:

Crystal said...

I love that you are all moved-in (and am dying to see the inside of your gorgeous home!) and that you took a little vacation. Good job, Joanna.

I have no words of advice, but the journal will be a TREASURE for all of you. Maybe all your kiddos and you could write him a letter to put inside that journal of personal memories of him. They are forgetting too.

You are a wonderful mommy. And a truly beautiful woman.

Chrissy said...

The only thing I can suggest is what I have done w/my kids... We talk, and I have always encouraged them to say what is in their minds and to not worry about how it may come out... They are at a point where they can talk about their dad and remember the crazy stuff he would do... I don't think they go by the cemetery like they use to... We each have an urn and a part of his ashes so there is no need... even tho partially he is there... I do know he will always be a constant reminder in all of our lives ...

Chrissy said...

I forgot to mention that my daughter and I put together a scrapbook... My husband saved his ticket stubs to whatever he went to.. playbills, also photos and cards... he kept from me and the kids... also he wrote stories and poetry.. that was his dream to be a writer... I kept his collection of stories, etc... as well as his cds, albums... the girls kept a few of his shirts.. and my daughter kept a suitcase that I think may very well be vintage...

Manda said...

I can never leave your blog without leaving a comment. I am so happy for all of the things you have accomplished for yourself and your children. Barry would be happy too. Don't ever feel pressured to tell us how it happened. I would write it down in your personal journal so you can continue to grieve and if the day came along that you felt like you could post the details then you'd have it written out exactly how you remember.