One Year Ago

Ok, let's face it.  Obviously I am in no mood to write right now, or I would have done sooner. Especially since I am leaving this to the last minute, it being 11:30 at night here in Florida.

First things first, we made it into Orlando on time and safely on wednesday morning.  We were able to check into our room early, and have been going full steam since then.  We're having a great time!  Wednesday when we got here, we went swimming in the afternoon, and then had dinner and headed to the Magic Kingdom for a few hours.  Thursday we got up early and went there all day.  We covered half of the park, and went back to the hotel.  Friday we spent at Epcot, and did most everything except Soarin' and Test Track, and Club Cool.  Saturday brought us to Animal Kingdom, where we did everything again, except for the Lion King show which the kids did not want to see. And today the kids and I slept in, ate lunch, went swimming, and back to Epcot for a couple hours.  Missed all three things I mentioned above, but we will hit those up Tuesday early morning.  Tomorrow we are off to Hollywood studios!

Today I felt like a horrible wife and mother, and still feel a bit guilty.  I had plans to do a balloon release with the kids, and also light a candle for Barry that I brought a long, but I forgot to do both of them.  We've been so busy that it completely slipped my mind. So tomorrow, albeit a day late, we will do both.  I dont think Barry would mind, because he would want, no INSIST, that we go out and have fun and not be sad.  And we are, depsite sore feet and being exhausted.

I was remarking on facebook today how different my life is no than it was a year ago.   A year ago today, I woke up in my old house, in my old bed, with a husband very much alive and ready to come home in a few days. I had no idea he would die.  Today I woke up in a strange bed, in FLORIDA, in a Walt Disney World Resort.  Never in my wildest dreams did I expect this to happen, ever. But I have to say, that NONE of this is at all possible without Barry. I  could not do it without him.  All of what we have now is possible because of him.

I've passed the one year mark.  This year has flown by so incredibly fast.  I remember thinking to myself shortly after he died how I never thought I would get to this point.  How far away it seemed.  Yet, here I am.  Still Standing.  A few more grey hairs.  80+ lbs less on my body.  A new house, a new vehicle, MANY many new friends.  And yes, its all a little hard to stomach sometimes.  I'd love to have my old life back.  I know I will never get that though, so its pointless to even dream or think about it too much because it really NEVER will happen, ever.

So now I have to start the 2nd year, and I hope it will be easier.  I was scared for today, I'd been psyching myself up for it because it is such a HUGE milestone.  Perhaps life will get easier for me.  I can only wish.  I miss Barry so much sometimes, wish he was here to love, to talk to, to just be with, and laugh at stupid fart jokes.

This post may seem disjointed, I forced myself to write it.  Not realy feeling it today, which I know is my sub concious trying to avoid everything.  I'm in total vacation mode and want to get back to doing that.  So with that I will end this post.  I wish I had had more to say about Barry, but I just dont want to talk about him. Not to be disrespectful or anything, but I just do not want to right now.  I'm afraid it will make my vacation too sad.  I don't know....

I'm starting to nod off writing this and need to hit "publish post" before midnight.  Otherwise I'll really feel like a failure if it doesn't post on the 10th.

Barry, I love you.  I miss you, and I know you're happy for us for this vacation.  I'm sorry i forgot to light the candle and let the balloons go, but you'd be happy knowing we're off living our life instead of being too sad.  We all miss you and love you.  I'll see you in my dreams darling.  xoxoxoxop

October 4th 2009 VS October 4th 2010...Stark Differences

I don't think I can even begin to compare the two days.

Today, a year ago, was the last day that the three older kids saw their daddy alive (the baby came to the hospital with me the next day for a few minutes and was able to see Barry).

The day started off normally, it was a Sunday, and we were all excited Barry was coming home for his usual week off.  I knew he was sick though, but strangely, went about my day as normally as I could, cleaning up and getting the house ready for him.  I already knew there was a possibility of him going to the hospital, but he had said he'd drive himself.

Around 6PM that evening, he rolled in the driveway.  Told us all to stay on the deck as he did not want the kids to get sick.  I walked up to the truck, and he said he had to go to the hospital right away.  I immediately got on the phone with Sara (who already knew she may have to come over), and she was over within 10 minutes.  Thankfully she lived right up the road (and still does) and came right over.

Barry waved at the kids from inside his truck, got out and climbed into the van.  That was the last time the three older kids ever saw him alive.  I drove him to the hospital, never knowing that the next time I would take him home would be in an urn. We got to the ER, and waited a good 3 hours or so.  I don't remember exactly.  It was quite awhile.

I helped him get undressed,and into a gown.  I carefully folded his t-shirt, his shorts, and placed them in a bag along with his tennis shoes.  I stuffed his can of chew into his shoe too, where it remains to this day.  His last can of chew.  Did I take his glasses then too? I can't remember honestly. I think I may have, but I am not entire sure if he had them on or not.

He was being seen by a doctor at this time already, and as it was nearing midnight, I decided to leave, and said I would come back in the morning.  We had been told already he would be admitted.  They knew he had pneumonia at this time.  I said my goodbyes, told him I loved him, and walked out of the hospital.

My last view of him that night was being wheeled down the hall in his bed to the XRay room.

I miss him so much.  I have trouble believing he was a real person.  It is hard to fully explain that feeling, because yes, he was alive and in my life for a long time, but he's not here anymore.  He is dead.  Perhaps it is my coping mechanism that makes me think this way, process my thoughts and memories this way, so that it is easier to go on day by day.  It truly is like a dream when I think of him.  At times a very vivid dream, and at other times, I can't quite grasp that memory.

And now today, I am blown away by the stark differences to just 365 days ago.

I am sitting here at my desk, in my new house, with one more pet that Barry didn't get to meet sniffling around me. Athena is looking for breakfast scraps the kids dropped on the floor, she's 6.5 moths old now.

I have suitcases behind me waiting to be packed full of extra stuff like toiletries, snacks, and a few last clothing items.

I am going to Walt Disney World tomorrow with my children.  I have a million things to do today, laundry, packing, running a few errands, packing the pets' food to to go the kennel. Finish up my laundry and pack it into my suitcase, call the shuttle and confirm etc etc etc.

This really is a true testament to how life goes on.  Yes, Barry died a horrible tragic death last year, and we miss him terribly every day, but life has gone on.  It is inevitable.  And he would have wanted that.  Insisted and demanded more like it.  He wouldn't want me to sit and mope and just let life pass me by, so I am taking the bull by the horns and taking the kids on our first REAL family vacation.  I am sad that Barry was never able to enjoy one with us, and this is a first for the kids as it is their first time on a plane, but without him this would not have been possible.

Now to get my day started, I do have a million things to do, and I leave tomorrow evening! Better get a fire lit under my ass!

I love you sexy man, and I think of you often.  Thank you for being the best man I ever knew, for sacrificing so much, for working so hard.  I love you and miss you so much.

Angry, Bitter, Pissed Off, Weepy, Jealous, Infuriated

That title explains some of my emotions over the last week or so.

I've been so angry lately, just full of raw emotions that my week has been a whirlwind.  I don't know what set me off last weekend, I suppose it was a number of things, but its continued to multiply all week until last night was the breaking point for me.

This is all part of the grief cycle, I know that, but when it hit me so hard, I was completely taken aback by the rush of emotion I felt.

The big issue for me right now is my anger at being a single mom, my bitterness at seeing couples together.  And especially at women who take their husbands for granted.  And for part of last night too, I was very angry at Barry for leaving me.  I really feel like I am hitting the anger stage in my grief cycle.  I'm angry at everyone around me for having what I do not. I've been struggling with all of these this whole past week and I just can't seem to get over it. Today is the first good day I've had in awhile.  I suppose that is due to the complete break down I had yesterday afternoon.

I was at a local wildlife park with the kids, and we were having a wonderful day together.  We ate out, we had ice cream, we saw bears and cougars, foxes, wolves, moose, bison, elk, owls, etc etc, and just really enjoyed ourselves.  But then I started noticing all these couples together and started to get really sad. I missed Barry so much.  And I was ANGRY.  and JEALOUS.  I will be completely honest and say I abhor seeing couples together.  It makes me want to poke them with hot rusty sticks, or else scratch my eyes out. Yep, that's pretty graphic, but its true.  I'm so bitter about my situation, I hate being  a single mom. I hate seeing women take their men for granted because I would gladly take one in a heartbeat.

As soon as we got back in the truck to get home, I started getting weepy.  It didn't stop, it was like a slow leak.  We stopped at Safeway because we had almost no food in the house, shopped for an hour, got home and got the groceries inside.  And then the waterworks started. I just started crying and crying and crying.  Thankfully the kids were outside for that.  I was just a fucking mess. I had tears pouring off my face.  And having no tissue handy at that moment, I resorted to using a dish towel to blow my nose on several times.

I knew I had to have company last night, so I texted Jason. And he was busy.  I called Rebecca, which I felt really guilty about because her husband just got back from Iraq a few days ago, but she didn't answer her phone either (which I can understand).  I called Lani, who answered thankfully and listened to me sob, and then promised to come over and drink with me later.  I managed to calm down a bit enough to feed the kids dinner, but I was still a weepy, tear leaking mess.  As soon as the kids went to bed, the water works started again.  At 10PM I was just sobbing in the kitchen.  again. But then Lani never showed up, and never answered her phone either this morning when I called. So I was depressed, drinking and alone last night when I desperately needed company.  My saving grace was a very dear twitter friend of mine who shall remain nameless, whom I also talk to on bbm (blackberry messenger) a lot. We were able to talk for quite some time over bbm late, last night and I was able to catch my breath, calm down, and even laugh a bit.  I really really needed that, so if you are reading this, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Yesterday I probably cried or leaked tears for almost 7 hours if not more. I also cried a lot over the last week and a half. I think I've cried buckets worth. By the time I was done, my head was pounding, I had drank a bit (which I know did not help), and my face was red. I also cried off about three coats of waterproof mascara.  Yes, three coats.  That's a hell of a lot of crying you know.   And today I feel much better. I needed that release.  The only way I've been able to keep that from happening is to block everything out of my mind.  To forget, and just go about my daily life.  I think that it is time to stop that though, because when I block things out, the dam will burst like it did.  It is the only way I know how to function though most of the time.

I'm still sad, I'm still bitter and angry, jealous and infuriated.  But this whole week has made me realize that I am ready to go see a counselor.  I was not ready before, but I am now.  I am ready to talk to someone.  I'm glad about that because we are almost at the one  year mark....wow really? One year.  That amazes me.

PS...today the older girls are at a birthday party.  Last year this same day they were at the same girls birthday party.  Barry was home.  The weather was the same as today, cloudy and a little cool.  After he and I dropped the girls off at their friend's house, we took M and A to Burger King for lunch.  That's all I remember about this day last year.  He had two more days at home with us then, before he went back to work.  That was one of his last times at home.  I miss him so much.

Eleven Years Ago Today

This week has been pretty hard.  Grief is like that though, it comes in waves, and sometimes you get hit by a giant tsunami, and other times just a little wake. I'm not quite sure where I am this week, don't know how to classify how I'm feeling, but it hasn't been an easy week.

Yesterday for the first time in ages, I was sobbing into Barry's t-shirt, my tears soaking the cotton as I tried to calm down but could not. That was the last t-shirt he ever wore, for those of you who don't know. I've never washed it, and I don't think I ever will.

I've also noticed that my attitude has been pretty damn shitty lately. I've been a bit of a cranky bitch to everyone.  Though that could be due to having my period at the same time, but I know that grief is a big factor in my attitude right now.  I tend to get that way before certain days, and not even realize it till the day is upon us, or has already passed.  Even today I just HAD to be out of the house, had to be gone, had to be busy doing everything and anything.

11 years ago today, Barry and I met for the very first time in person, and it was also the day he proposed to me!  At this point in our relationship, I was living in Edmonton AB, and he was in Wiesbaden Germany, stationed there in the Army.  I was visiting my mom in Abbotsford, BC, and he his mom in Port Angeles, WA.  We both agreed to meet in Victoria BC and spend the day together.

I don't remember what time I arrived in Victoria that morning, but it was pretty early on in the day.  I took the ferry from Vancouver to Victoria, and the greyhound to downtown Victoria from the ferry terminal.  I was so incredibly nervous to finally meet him after talking for 9 months.  And the funny thing is, I had never seen a picture of him.  Never! he did send me one once, but it was lost in the mail.  But I was so in love with this man that I knew even if he was hideous, I would still say yes if he asked me to marry him.

As I sat there on a bench in front of The Empress Hotel, I kept glancing across the Victoria harbor waiting for Barry's ferry to arrive.  I waited, and waited, and waited. And then I saw a young man walking down the road.  And I knew it was him. My heart knew it was him. He crossed the street, walked up the path to the front of the hotel, and as I stood up, shoved his military ID card in my face so I would know it was him.  That was a mere moment, as we then hugged and hugged and hugged. Finally, we met.  We had gone through so much to meet that day, and it was finally happening.

We spent the rest of that day together, sightseeing around Victoria and just spending time together.  Towards the end of the day, we landed up in the Rose Garden in front of the hotel.  We were laying there in the grass, and I was getting impatient because Barry hadn't proposed to me yet.  He had told me before we met that he was going to propose to me, and I had waited all day.  We were basically engaged already, just had to make it official.  So, my spunky self finally asked Barry if he was going to ask me to marry him.  I told him I was tired of waiting! LOL  and shortly after that he asked me to stand up, and he got down on one knee.

Holding my hands in his, Barry told me I made him the happiest man on earth, and he wanted to make me the happiest woman on earth (the only two things I remember that he said haha).  And then he asked me to marry him.  And i said yes.

We parted ways shortly after that, unfortunately, as we only had one day together.  And then we both went back to our lives, he  to Germany, and I to Edmonton.  And then 3.5 months later, on December 29th, 1999, we were married in Wiesbaden, Germany.  The day we were married, was the 15th day we spent together in person.  Yes, you read that correctly, we only spent two weeks together  in person before we were married.

The day we got engaged was one of the best days of my life.  I met the man of my dreams, and got engaged in the very same day!  Not many women can say that can they? I truly was a lucky woman to find such a man like Barry.

Happy Birthday To Me!!!

I'm 30 Today!!! An Old Maid if you want to refer to me as that! LOL

I don't want to write too much, as I have a busy day ahead of me.  I'm on my way to go buy a Tiara to wear out to dinner and to the bar tonight! I have friends coming to dinner, and my sister, a friend and I are going bar hopping tonight. I plan to enter my 30s in style! And probably throwing up in my kitchen sink later tonight.
Yes, I have a babysitter, and we are taking a cab. I am somewhat responsible.

I wrote a whole big birthday post yesterday, so I really don't want to delve into all those emotions again today.  But what I do want to do is post my birthday song.  This is so incredibly special to me, because it was played last year on my birthday by Barry.  Little did we know it would be the last birthday he celebrated with me. I copied the text I wrote on face book, because I don't even want to have to re-write it.

My Birthday Song courtesy of Barry. Last year we were on our way to BC on my 29th Birthday, and had to stop at the bank to take out some cash on our way there. I was PISSED at him b/c I thought I had forgotten my makeup bag at the house and he wouldn't let me go back to the house to get it (even though we were less than 10 min away). He told me to just buy new makeup when we got to Canada, and of course I was NOT happy b/c I wanted my own stuff.  We got to the bank, and even though he had told me not to dig through the suitcases, I waited for him to go inside, and then tore through them looking for my makeup bag.  I found it, but never told him.  I pretended to be mad still when he got back to the van from being inside.  When we were pulling out of the bank parking lot, he looks at me...puts this song on and starts singing and making fun. I couldn't help but not be mad anymore. That was his way, he always tried to make me laugh.  And now I have this awesome memory of him on my last bday with him

Dearest Barry, thank you for making that birthday so incredibly special, even though you never knew it would be my last birthday with you.  I will always have special memories of that day, and thank you for giving me that lasting gift.  I miss you, and will always love you more than words can express.  You'll always be my Sexy Man ;)

Love forever,

me xoxoxp

Comparing Today to Last Year

Today I am celebrating my last day of being 29, my last day in my 20s.  Without Barry.

Last year, on this day, we were preparing to go to Canada the very next day.  Barry was getting mad because the lawn was so long, and had to go to Lowes to get new lawn mower blades and a socket set.  I was packing for our upcoming trip, and it was super hot outside.  He was a little cranky, I remember that, because I had let the grass get too long while he was gone. haha.

And today, life is so incredibly different.  I'm a single mom.  I'm on my very last day of being 29.  I weigh 78lbs less than I did a year ago. I've got vodka and tequila in the freezer in preparation for my sister and a friend and I to drink! lol  I'm sitting inside while my kids are outside playing in the sun, taking a break from cleaning because I'm going to have company all weekend.  Trying to figure out what I will be wearing tomorrow night when we go out for dinner and to the bar.

One year ago today I NEVER could never have fathomed this day.  I think if someone had told me how different life would be today compared to last year, I would have laughed hysterically.  Last year Barry and I were concerned with telling my family we were moving to Pennsylvania.  RIGHT NOW I'm supposed to be in Pennsylvania, or moving there, not being here in Washington still wondering why I'm having to celebrate my 29th birthday without my husband. Sorry, my DEAD husband.  Sometimes I still have trouble believing he is dead.  Really? he's DEAD? what do you mean? it just doesn't seem possible.  I can't accept it, and I don't think I ever will.  I may move on, I will fall in love again, and I will probably get remarried one day, but I will never accept the fact that he died.  It's just not fair, it's not supposed to happen. I don't understand why he is dead.  Why is he dead?

To sum up the last 10 years, I still don't think how I could even fathom this day compared to 10 years ago.  On my 20th birthday, Barry and I were just barely married, I was pregnant with the twins, and we were at a flea market in Germany.  Life has changed so much in ten years, I can't even begin to imagine what the next 10 years are going to bring me.  In 10 years, I met the man of my dreams, I lived in so many houses, in 2 different countries and continents, I moved all over WA state. I weathered many financial ups and downs with Barry, supported him through many job changes, bought and sold our first house.  Got pregnant and gave birth to 4 wonderful children.  Loved Barry with all my heart, and watched him die in front of my eyes, screamed and yelled at the doctors that this wasn't real, that I wasn't a widow.  That I was too young to be a widow.  And I became a single mom. A widow.

I hope that the next 10 years of my life are better, happier.  I've heard that the 30s are better than the 20s.   I don't know how much more heartbreak I can take. This is a big step for me, as was New Years eve.  Now I'm not only starting a new decade without him, but a whole new age. My 20s will be my years with Barry, but what will my 30s be?  I know it will be a good decade for me. I just know it.  In the next ten years, we will face even more life changes... V, M and E will graduate high school and leave the house. I will have a job, and hopefully be a best selling author.  I hope I will be remarried and in love with the man of my dreams.  I hope the next 10 years are good.    But I know that if I want them to be good, i have to do my very best to make them so.

**********
Dinner reservations are made for tomorrow night, I have some special people coming to help me celebrate my birthday over dinner, and then my sister, our friend and I are going bar hopping.  Kind of funny, but just now my special birthday song came on as I was listening to iTunes.  I'll try write about that tomorrow.

Happy Birthday To Me!

Dear Barry and A Year Of Memories

I guess April was just too much of a crazy month for me, because I forgot a couple A year of Memories posts. The day in question was April 8th, 1999, but I won't be writing about it after all because it wasn't a very good memory for Barry and I. After the years had passed, we always laughed about it, but I'd still rather not write about it. And with that....

Dearest Barry,

Today was May 1st. You know what that means!!!

We missed you so much this weekend. Friday night the kids and I had cake, like we always do on April 30th ;-), and a special dinner. Maybe not super special this year, but the kids wanted pizza, so I picked up our favorite frozen DiGiornos, and a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting (because that has always been your favorite) for dessert. Before we ate, I dug out the black candles and lit the big black pillar for you, and placed it in the middle of the table. As we ate, I had all of us go around and say a special memory we had of you. Mine was how you laughed like a little girl, and the kids also mentioned how you stank up the bathroom, snored all the time and farted a lot. Leave it to our kids to remember that stuff, lol. We all had a good laugh at that. A refused to talk, as always. I also read to the kids a bit about the history of this weekend!

This morning we woke up to a breakfast of orange breakfast rolls with icing, and chocolate milk. It was fabulous! We got ready, and then headed out to North West Trek. Do you remember how you and I were planning on going for E's birthday in October? You really wanted to go see the Cats! :) The kids and I had been talking about what to do for this weekend for months, and it was their idea to go to NWT because we knew you had wanted to. So we did that today, and celebrated the day just as we would had you been there! It was our tribute to you, darling, because you couldn't be there in person.

We spent all day there, and I got so many pictures. I am quite positive you knew we were going, because ALL the animals were out, and I got so many pictures. I took over 450 pictures today! So many of the cats too. Oh, they were gorgeous Barry, you would have loved them! We spent a long time at the Cougar enclosure :)

Our plan was to eat at KFC for dinner, but the kids wanted Subway! On our way home, we picked it up and ate at home, ending our special day. I will be continuing this tradition with the kids for as long as is possible...forever I think, and we will always be doing something fun, as because of you, this tradition started.

Tonight after dinner, I made this stupid mistake of reading your twitter page. I resembled a raccoon by the time I was done, as I was sobbing uncontrollably. I MISS YOU. Oh how I miss you darling. It was so neat to see your tweets though, to see your witty self coming through those words on the screen, but it only made me feel worse. I don't think I'll be reading it for awhile again though. What really made me cry though, was reading your tweets when you were sick, saying you had a killer immune system etc etc. And then your very last one, saying you were in the hospital with pneumonia, ending it with an FML. You didn't know, did you? sigh. I wish we could turn back the clock and pause forever in August and early September. If only we could, right?

Well my dear, Doctor Who is on and I have to go. You know how that is ;-) I love you and adore you, and miss you so much. I'll see you in my dreams, I hope.

Love forever and always,

Me

xoxoxoxp

p.s. As I was reading your tweets, I found the one you wrote to me last summer about Hades licking the blinds strings in the old house. And guess what? He does it here too! LOL I had to laugh the other day when I saw him doing that. Crazy cat!!

*************

Every year from April 30th-May 1st, we have a family day. If May 1st even falls on a school day, the kids are taken out of school. It doesn't matter, that is the protocol for our family. That is how important this day is to us. Every year we do something fun, and last year we went to Woodland Park Zoo in Seattle. Last year too, we were behind schedule, same as today! haha Guess that has also become tradition :)

A Year of Memories February 24th 1999

I am reluctantly writing tonight. My heart just isn't into it, but I committed to writing all the "A Year of Memories" posts, so I can't go back on it now.

I dont even remember much about this day at all. I couldn't tell you what time of day it was, what I was wearing, or anything else about that day. All I remember is being in a private yahoo chat with Barry. This was before we had even met in person! We had known each other for only two months, and had been talking online and over the phone for those past couple months. I don't remember the conversation either....all I remember are the four words that I saw typed on the screen.

"Will you marry me?"

Of course my answer was a resounding YES!!!

We were stupid kids...really, who proposes in a yahoo chat room? We chuckled about it over the years. That was not the last time Barry proposed to me though, and that last time almost didn't happen. I will share that memory in April actually, as that is when Barry broke my heart.

I'm still working on my "I can do it by Myself" post, but haven't had much time to really develop it and think it through. It's in the works though, and will be coming soon. Life has not allowed much down time, and when I do get downtime, I just sit like a bum and do nothing because I am always go go go during the day. I am hoping things settle down sometime soon, but I have a feeling they won't be until after we move.

Speaking of moving, my furniture shopping is coming along quite nicely! I have amassed a beautiful living room set, my bedroom set, my formal living room set, a TV stand and a shelving unit that I absolutely fell in love with. All that is left to buy for furniture is the older two girls' bedroom set, mattresses for them and myself, a new computer desk, and some bar stools. Oh, and a Piano. Today I purchased the shelving unit and the TV stand, and we will do probably the rest of it on Saturday morning. I would love to show pictures, but I am going to wait until everything is all put together and unpacked.

Moving is projected for Easter weekend! or the weekend before, not quite sure yet.

Overwhelmed Doesn't Even Begin to Explain

Whew! I have so much going on in my life right now that I feel like my head is spinning in a million different directions, ala Regan from The Exorcist.

On a side note, I have to share a story about The Exorcist that has haunted me to this day, even 10 years later! When Barry and I were first married and living in the barracks, he had me watch The Exorcist with him. Well, let me say...TRIED to get me to watch it with him. I think I lasted to the part where Regan levitates in the corner, and then I was adamant that he turn it off. I couldn't watch it anymore. A couple months later when we were in our first apartment, he somehow managed to convince me to watch it with him again. Why Oh Why did I do that? I think I laid on the couch, my head in his lap, and my face covering my face and hands most of the movie. I was HORRIFIED. The movie has haunted me to this day, and Barry milked it for all he could. He'd constantly tease me with Regan voices..."GIVE US TIME" lol He'd find scary videos on you tube and lure me into watching them. All the time, for 10 years. If he were still alive, he'd be doing it now still. It makes me laugh, because he got such pleasure out of scaring me. I'd always smack his arm and yell at him. His ring tone on his cell phone was Regan's voice even. The "coups DE grace"...is that the right way to say it? Well, that was when I found this video on YouTube. I won't post the link because I don't know it, but it was just a clip of a rocking chair in a dark room. It was meant to be scary, or suspenseful, and then all the sudden Regan's face JUMPS out at you. I screamed so loud and then laughed at myself when I saw it. I figured I'd email it to Barry, and see if it would scare him. Well guess what? He screamed like a little girl! HAHAHAHA I was absolutely thrilled that I was able to get him back. Even if it was just once, I still got him, and I never let him forget it :)

Back to my original point though, there is so much going on right now that I feel like my head is spinning in a million different directions.

When we bought our house back in 05, there was a lot to do, but I think I conveniently forgot how awful it really was. Times that by 10 and you've got my situation right now! Everything is going well, but I'm about to put Mike, my realtor on speed dial. We see each other SO much right now, and we're always calling each other about one thing or another. I think between the time I put the offer in on the 11th, and today, there were maybe 3 days that I didn't see him. And I'll be talking to him tomorrow as well, and then wednesday afternoon, we're meeting with the Blinds guy at the new house. Closing date is March 15th! We'll be moving around the first week of April I think...I'm shooting for Easter weekend.

I still have to shop for funiture, but I am hoping that goes as painlessly as possibly. Wednesday morning I am meeting with my insurance agent to do my homeowners insurance. I still have packing and decluttering to do. Just today I took a whole van load to Goodwill! There will be plenty more.

Want to see a list of what I have to do yet?

• Homeowners Insurance
• Pick out all the window coverings with the Blind guy
• figure out why my kids ask stupid questions like "Are we having Peas with dinner", when clearly there is a bowl of peas on the table.
• Call someone to come pick up all the old furniture so I can donate it
• Shop for new furniture (LOTS of it too!)
• Buy new mattresses
• Find more boxes
• Give my landlord notice that I am moving (I have held off on this due to waiting for the appraisal from my mortgage company). I will keep this place till the end of April so I can come and clean after we move, and make sure the rest of my furniture gets removed/donated.
• Find movers
• Move and unpack and get my house ready for housewarming party May 8th
• Clean this place out from top to bottom
• Housewarming party in May (this isn't a worry yet, but it's going to happen soon enough)

I know there is a lot more to do with the house, but that is just a bit of what I have to do. On top of that, my life is busy with other stuff too. I go to the gym at minimum 3 days a week, and I also had my grief support group on Wednesdays. That group is over, but we meet again on Wed the 3d for a reunion breakfast. And then I have stuff with the kids too, like character day on friday. And lots of homework too. And A has play dates. Oh wait...her birthday is in two weeks and I forgot to plan that too. sigh. Barry's birthday is the day before hers, and I am thinking we're going to have her party that day to help us get through it better. We'll be going out for dinner to his favorite restaurant that day too, I decided it would be a new tradition for us :) Oh, lets also not forget that Monday the 1st of March, I'm getting my wisdom teeth taken out. Le Sigh.

I am very much so looking forward to the time AFTER I move, because that way at least things will calm down somewhat for us...I am hoping. Then after that I get to unpack and get ready for my housewarming party. I'm looking forward to that :)

I try to keep busy, but sometimes I think I over schedule myself, and then I get overwhelmed with life. That's how I feel right now. I don't quite know how to get a handle on it all, and deal with grief at the same time. In April I'll also be adding in grief support for the kids as well as trying to find a counselor for myself. That HAS to wait till after we move though because there is no way I can handle it all right now. I think keeping busy though, helps to combat the sadness and overwhelming despair that I feel at times.

I decided that the kids and I would do something fun once a month, if not more. Yesterday we went to the Zoo in Tacoma. We have a membership for that. On A's birthday in March, I think we'll hit up North West Trek, which is a wild life reserve about an hour away from us. April I have no plans yet, and May I think we'll be taking a scenic Steam Engine tour around Mt Rainier. June we're going to do a weekend trip to the coast or maybe go visit the Tillamook factory in Oregeon, and in July we go to Canada, and August we'll be going to Birch Bay. Anyway, that is just what I have projected, but it gives us something to look forward to at least, right? Sometimes we just go to see a movie too, the kids love to do that.

I know this isn't the grieving post that everyone comes to read, but sometimes I need to get out my non-sad thoughts too. I think I need to write a list though!

Look for a post soon regarding how "I can do it MYSELF"

Valentine's Day Mish Mash, and A Year of Memories Feb 14th 2000

First off, life has been incredibly busy this past week, so blogging has been put on the back burner for me. And it won't be slowing down anytime soon at all, so my blogging might be sparse, at best, for who knows how long.

I don't really have much to write about for my "A Year of Memories" post today. Barry and I celebrated our first valentine's day together as a couple, a married couple too, in 2000. He SPOILED me that day! I can remember most of what I got too, I was quite the lucky girl ;o) We had a DVD player at the time, but no VCR, so Barry actually went to the Power Zone (electronics store on the Army Base) and bought me a VCR and "Muppets from Space" on VHS. hahaha. We only got rid of that movie a few years back and replaced it with the DVD finally. Barry loved that movie, and quite often we would quote our favorite line from it. "The Goat?", "NO! THE REMOTE!!!" lol It makes me smile, because I can hear us doing it in my head.

I was also treated to a bottle of "Angel" perfume by Thierry Mugler, a card, and a large stuffed red Bull from TY...basically a giant beanie baby which I still have to this day. It looks brand new, and I had it on my bed last night as I slept. The perfume is long gone of course, because after I got it, I got pregnant shortly after. The scent was much too strong for me while I was pregnant, and I couldn't stand it for years after that. Recently I just bought myself another bottle as a Valentine's Day present from Barry. And I love the scent now, it brings me back to him. In fact, I think it was April of 2000, Barry went on a field exercise and had me send some stuff for him with someone that was back in the rear, and was going up for a visit. I wrote him a letter, and kissed it with lipstick, and also sprayed it with "Angel". To keep the letter safe, I tucked it into a James Beard cookbook that he had also asked for. To this day, the letter still resides in the cookbook, covered in red kisses, and still faintly smelling of Angel, even 10 years later. I'll always keep it like that.

You know what's kind of funny, this past week I feel like I've been getting messages from Barry. Just random things here and there. Perhaps it is him telling me that everything will be ok, that he is ok. I don't know what they mean, but I do believe it's him.

Last night, while I was on my way home from Tacoma, I passed a Giltner truck. Barry drove for Giltner, and I have only seen them twice since he died. It makes me smile, I feel like there is a tie to him then, just even to get a glimpse of a Giltner truck. Today when the kids and I went to Ikea, I passed a VW Scirocco. For those of you who don't know what that is, obviously it is a car, but an older one. It was Barry's car when I got to Germany, and we drove it for a few months till we bought a "new to us" SUV (Suzuki JLX that we ADORED). Anyway, this car picked me up at the airport when I came to Germany, it took us to France, we drove it on our wedding day etc etc. Lots of good memories with that car. It was hideous though, just FUGLY! haha. We called it "The Rat". I haven't seen one in years, and today, I just had to smile again seeing it as I drove past it. I was laughing and remembering as I pointed it out to the kids as it passed us.

And then the last one today was in the restaurant with the kids. We were given a Red Robin gift card when Barry was in the hospital, and we finally put it to use today. We enjoyed a really good meal, and as we left, I took A to the bathroom as we had a long drive home. I passed by a woman that had the name "BARRY" written on the back of her sweatshirt. Perhaps it didn't mean anything at all, but I keep getting reminders of him. That is three in less than 24 hours! I like to think of them all as friendly reminders of Barry.

I have some more exciting news to share, but that will have to be left for later! Look for a new post in a day or two!!

Twins Turn 9, Happy Birthday to the Two Best 9 Year Olds Ever!!!

I really wanted to write a whole big long post for today, but I'm just not feeling up to it.

Life has really dealt me a shitty hand this past week, and I am tired, and exhausted, and just don't have any energy to put a lot of thought into a deep and thoughtful blog post. So if my post is boring and not well thought out, just deal with it! HAH!

June 2000 was when I found out I was pregnant. I don't remember the exact day, but my period was late and I went to the Medical Center on base to get a blood test. It came back later that morning before I was due to go to work, so I was anxious to finish my shift and go tell Barry. When work was over, I rushed over to the base, found Barry, and ran up to him...gave him a hug, and said "You're going to be a daddy!!!". He was shocked to say the least, lol. I don't remember anything else about that day, except those few memories. I am almost positive I found out the middle of June though.

Just a couple weeks later I had my first doctors appointment. I saw Dr Westerburg, my OB/GYN on the German economy. I had an ultra sound that day too, and since it was so early on in my pregnancy, I had a vaginal ultrasound. I was extremely shy, and had Barry wait on the other side of the screen. This was on June 27th, 2000. Now, you have to realize that Barry and I were kind of hoping that we would only have one child first, but since twins run in my family, we knew that it was a possibility. Dr Westerburg was administering the ultrasound, when suddenly she exclaimed loudly "Yah, I zink I zee two in zhere!", in her German accent. Barry immediately rushed around the screen despite the fact that I had asked him to stay on the other side, and we watched the screen as Dr Westerburg showed us our two babies. I was 6 weeks pregnant at this first ultrasound.

On September 11th, I found out I was expecting a boy and a girl! I was in my 17th week of pregnancy. Barry was on a field exercise during my appointment, so he was not able to come with me to find out. But you bet I called him as soon as I got home! I was so happy to tell him he was having a son!!! AND a daughter!!! It was very, very obvious that Marshall was a boy. He was NOT shy about hiding his goods at all! lol

In late November, early December of that year, we moved back to the States, and settled in WA. My new Dr was Dr. Kathy Hennesey, whom I loved dearly, and was our family doctor for years. She actually delivered child #3 as well. I was put on bed rest for a couple weeks, as that plane trip we took from Germany to WA state gave me pre-ecclampsia! bummer! I spent the last couple weeks before the twins were born laying on my couch, watching crappy TV and doing nothing, lol. I was waiting for the time to pass, but it went by so slowly.

On Feb 7th, a year and a day ago, it was the night before my C-section, and I had Barry measure me. I measured about 55" around the biggest part of my belly! I was all belly! I was absolutely HUGE! I have pictures of me from that day, or the day of the surgery, somewhere, and I am always astonished at how huge I looked.

To be honest, I can't remember much of the day they were born. What I do remember is in bits and pieces. We got up super early to head to the hospital, my c-section was pretty early that day. I think I got in Pre-Op around 7 or so, and then the surgery began about 7:30. Let me tell you, you lose ALL modesty when you have a c-section, and I know, because I have had 3! After my spinal (I loved my Anesthesiologist by the way), I was laid out spread eagle and naked on the table, and they put my catheter in. I dont remember much after this, except that I got sick and threw up (as I did with all my c-sections), and that Barry stood up during the surgery to watch them take the kids out and said he saw my internal organs. LOL. He never recovered from that, haha. He said he saw my liver and my intestines as they were pushing around to get the twins out. The reason I had a c-section was not just because it was twins, but because V was breech...she was bum down, and not heavy enough to even make me dilate. And then M was transverse, so the two of them were making a T in there! lol T for twins!

V was the first one out, at 8:10AM. She cried for a bit, but had a bit of trouble breathing, so they took her over to the table and got her howling pretty quickly. M was next at 8:12 AM, and Barry was watching too. He said M was so gangly that when they pulled him out, he kept coming out, there was no end to him (Even now, at 9 years old, he is almost 5 feet tall and has legs like a horse! He is gangly and ALL legs, lol). He squawked once, and then he was quiet. lol. Again, I don't remember too much about this. I do remember hearing asking why V wasn't crying right away, and then looking over to my right and seeing a big ark of pee going through the air, as M peed everywhere! lol

Barry went upstairs with the twins and assisted the nurse in giving them their baths. I was in recovery at this time, so I was really out of it. All the memories I have of this are what Barry told me. The nurse washed M, and Barry washed V. He told me he was scared to hurt her, so he didn't get all the blood and junk out of her hair, lol. I remember commenting about that when I saw them after recovery.

There are so many memories of that day, but I am having trouble making sense of them. I was out of it on drugs and it was such an emotional day. I was so proud and happy to become a mommy at last! Barry was such a proud daddy. I have some wonderful pictures of him with the twins in the hospital, and afterwards, for years afterwards.

I am so proud of V and M. I am so happy to be their mommy! I can't believe that 9 years have passed already, and they are 9 years old! The last 9 years have just flown by...it seems just yesterday that they were born. I really don't know where the time has gone. Tonight we are going to go out to our favorite Pizza buffet for dinner, and have cake when we get home. Saturday afternoon is their combined birthday party, which we are having at a local gymnastics gym.

It breaks my heart that they won't have Barry at their birthday. He SHOULD be HOME right now. He should be here with me, sitting at the couch, working on his school work on his lap top. Or else he should be in the kitchen making the birthday cakes like he always did. I am mad that he has to miss the rest of their birthdays. I didn't want to write this post because I knew I was going to cry writing it. And yes I did, towards the end of this, I started to sob silently into my hands. The tears squeezed out of the corner of my eyes until my shoulders started to shake. And now my nose runs as I try to control the tears and crying. I miss Barry so much, I am so sad that he has to miss this most important day.

Please keep us in your thoughts as we try to get through today. Give us strength, and wish the twins a Very Happy 9th Birthday, even though we are sad, and missing our Husband and Daddy.

A Year Of Memories, January 29th 2000

I just got back from the gym a little while ago. I realized while I was there that today was January 29th. I don't want to write today at all. But I have to keep up with my "A year of Memories" posts, right? I made a commitment to it, so I should stick with it. Sorry if my writing today is jumbled, un-flowy and all that crap, I just don't feel like remembering today.

When Barry and I were married, we had a very very small wedding. Only a few people were in attendance, and we didn't have much of a reception. If you want to count the Brauhaus, then we'll count that, but that memory will come later this year.

Sometime in January 2000, Denise Pledger, the wife of one of Barry's Sgt's, offered to host a reception of some sorts for us at her house. They held it on our one month anniversary. I don't even really remember who came to it! I know for sure it was us, The Pledgers, Sgt Mac and a few others. I really couldn't tell you though.

We had lots of good food, I do remember that. I had this cookbook that my mom had bought me years before that, a Hershey Cookbook that I still have to this day, and it had a fantastic chocolate mousse recipe in it. Barry and I made that for the party, and prepared it in our room in the barracks.

We had the ironing board set up b/c we had no counter space, so there he was, mixing up chocolate mousse on an ironing board in the barracks. It cracks me up to this day, I can still picture it in my mind, seeing him there with the mixer in his hand.

At the party, the only gift I really remember getting was some baking dishes from Sgt Bravo, she was Barry's squad Sgt, and a Blender from Sgt Mac. I still had that blender years later, in fact, I think I only got rid of it a couple years ago because it finally died or something. I have a funny story about that blender though, that I will have to share later. And that blender also made all of our baby food for all 4 kids, it served us well for a very long time.

That is all I remember about that night, our post-wedding wedding-reception. It was a fun night though.

A Year Of Memories, January 17th 1999

If you've been reading regularly, you'll know that I have decided to do "A Year Of Memories" post on every significant day during our marriage and courtship.

I feel like with today's blog post I am backtracking somewhat in mine and Barry's relationship, as it was not the first significant day in our history, but rather the 2nd. However, that first day will have to come December 18th of this year, so be patient for that! lol

By January 17th of 1999, Barry and I had been chatting quite often through email and yahoo. He had sent me an email before asking if we could talk on the phone. I could probably dig through my old emails, which I did save, and find the exact one that he mentioned talking on the phone, but for now my memories will have to do. He told me that he wouldn't spend a lot of money on a phone card, but that he just wanted to hear my voice. So I gave him my phone # and waited....

That day was Super Bowl Sunday. I can't believe it was 11 years ago!

The phone rang at about 9:20AM PST, and I was in the living room at my dad's house. I don't remember what I was doing, what I was wearing. I remember nothing of that day but waiting for the phone to ring. And then it did, coming all the way from Germany, from a hallway in the barracks which I would eventually call home less than a year later....

The first thought I remember was how sexy I thought his voice was. I remember writing in my journal how much I LOVED it. I was STOKED that he had an accent. I remember laughing a lot. And I remember just being so excited that I finally got to hear his voice. And I remember just beaming while he talked, just being able to hear him speak.

And unfortunately that is all I remember. But it was such a good day, and always stuck out in my head.

I'm sorry I don't have much more of an exciting memory to share with you all, but it was an important one to me. The next day will be February 8th, the day our first two babies were born.

A Year Of Memories

I have trouble blogging about Barry sometimes. I don't like to remember when I can help it, but sometimes I just need to do it. Honestly it's just easier to go through each day and not think about him.

It's how I cope. I just forget most of the time.

So I had this idea to remember him this year. I thought that on every single special event, or day that is significant, I would post a memory of that day. Talk about why it is important, tell you all about my memory of that day, and share my feelings on it.

The first one that will be coming up is January 17th. I'll leave it at that. It was a really important day to me 11 years ago. After that comes the twins' birthdays, then a day at the end of February. Then his birthday in March, A's birthday in March, a day in April, etc etc. Most of these days are significant from the first year we knew each other, but other days have had special meaning throughout our marriage and our life together. Some months will have quite a few days of memories, and others will have only one if that. And if that month doesn't have a special day, then I will write about something that actually happened during that month sometime during our marriage.

I'm looking forward to sharing with you all. It will give you all a glimpse into our lives and our past, while still allowing me to remember and grieve, and laugh, cry, be happy and sad all at the same time.

Look for the first "A Year of Memories" post on January 17th.