That title explains some of my emotions over the last week or so.
I've been so angry lately, just full of raw emotions that my week has been a whirlwind. I don't know what set me off last weekend, I suppose it was a number of things, but its continued to multiply all week until last night was the breaking point for me.
This is all part of the grief cycle, I know that, but when it hit me so hard, I was completely taken aback by the rush of emotion I felt.
The big issue for me right now is my anger at being a single mom, my bitterness at seeing couples together. And especially at women who take their husbands for granted. And for part of last night too, I was very angry at Barry for leaving me. I really feel like I am hitting the anger stage in my grief cycle. I'm angry at everyone around me for having what I do not. I've been struggling with all of these this whole past week and I just can't seem to get over it. Today is the first good day I've had in awhile. I suppose that is due to the complete break down I had yesterday afternoon.
I was at a local wildlife park with the kids, and we were having a wonderful day together. We ate out, we had ice cream, we saw bears and cougars, foxes, wolves, moose, bison, elk, owls, etc etc, and just really enjoyed ourselves. But then I started noticing all these couples together and started to get really sad. I missed Barry so much. And I was ANGRY. and JEALOUS. I will be completely honest and say I abhor seeing couples together. It makes me want to poke them with hot rusty sticks, or else scratch my eyes out. Yep, that's pretty graphic, but its true. I'm so bitter about my situation, I hate being a single mom. I hate seeing women take their men for granted because I would gladly take one in a heartbeat.
As soon as we got back in the truck to get home, I started getting weepy. It didn't stop, it was like a slow leak. We stopped at Safeway because we had almost no food in the house, shopped for an hour, got home and got the groceries inside. And then the waterworks started. I just started crying and crying and crying. Thankfully the kids were outside for that. I was just a fucking mess. I had tears pouring off my face. And having no tissue handy at that moment, I resorted to using a dish towel to blow my nose on several times.
I knew I had to have company last night, so I texted Jason. And he was busy. I called Rebecca, which I felt really guilty about because her husband just got back from Iraq a few days ago, but she didn't answer her phone either (which I can understand). I called Lani, who answered thankfully and listened to me sob, and then promised to come over and drink with me later. I managed to calm down a bit enough to feed the kids dinner, but I was still a weepy, tear leaking mess. As soon as the kids went to bed, the water works started again. At 10PM I was just sobbing in the kitchen. again. But then Lani never showed up, and never answered her phone either this morning when I called. So I was depressed, drinking and alone last night when I desperately needed company. My saving grace was a very dear twitter friend of mine who shall remain nameless, whom I also talk to on bbm (blackberry messenger) a lot. We were able to talk for quite some time over bbm late, last night and I was able to catch my breath, calm down, and even laugh a bit. I really really needed that, so if you are reading this, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Yesterday I probably cried or leaked tears for almost 7 hours if not more. I also cried a lot over the last week and a half. I think I've cried buckets worth. By the time I was done, my head was pounding, I had drank a bit (which I know did not help), and my face was red. I also cried off about three coats of waterproof mascara. Yes, three coats. That's a hell of a lot of crying you know. And today I feel much better. I needed that release. The only way I've been able to keep that from happening is to block everything out of my mind. To forget, and just go about my daily life. I think that it is time to stop that though, because when I block things out, the dam will burst like it did. It is the only way I know how to function though most of the time.
I'm still sad, I'm still bitter and angry, jealous and infuriated. But this whole week has made me realize that I am ready to go see a counselor. I was not ready before, but I am now. I am ready to talk to someone. I'm glad about that because we are almost at the one year mark....wow really? One year. That amazes me.
PS...today the older girls are at a birthday party. Last year this same day they were at the same girls birthday party. Barry was home. The weather was the same as today, cloudy and a little cool. After he and I dropped the girls off at their friend's house, we took M and A to Burger King for lunch. That's all I remember about this day last year. He had two more days at home with us then, before he went back to work. That was one of his last times at home. I miss him so much.