I miss Barry

I was sitting here tonight on my new couch, in my new living room, watching TV on my new TV, when everything kind of hit me again.

Things have settled down somewhat here in our new home. We're basically unpacked, save for a few boxes in my room and one in the living room, and all the pictures need to be hung yet, as well as the garage (which is a complete mess). The house is awesome and I love it, and I am finally starting to realize that it's my house.

But something is missing.

It's Barry.

Tonight while I was sitting here, I just started to cry because it all hit me again. I have been so busy the last few weeks with moving and unpacking, and our vacation, that I had no time to think. And now that things have calmed down a bit, my brain starts wandering and thoughts creep into my head that I've tried so hard to avoid. I can't even think straight right now and feel like my writing is all jumbled.

I was thinking about him and had a hard time again realizing that he was dead. Like maybe, just maybe, he was just working and not at home as per usual. Because you know, husbands and daddies don't die suddenly without warning. They don't leave behind a wife of 10 years and four young children. They just don't die, because that never happens...that's not real life. Husbands don't die, they just don't.

Unfortunately, that's not true. They do die without warning. And their death changes your life forever.

Apart from still needing to accept Barry's death, I still haven't fully accepted this new life. I don't like being thrust from one life into a brand new one, being forced to accept everything against my will. Some people have exhibited jealousy towards me, jealous that I have new furniture, a new house, etc etc, but I'd give it all back if I could. I really honestly would give it up just to have him back. I want my old life back, I want my old routines, I want my husband, I want my daily phone calls and text messages. I just want my old life back. I look around my house and think to myself, "how is this my life?"

I've had to go from one life with all these plans, to a new life full of uncertainty. Now instead of Barry and I and the kids, its just Me and the kids. I have to figure out the future for us, without him. It scares me. Eventually I will have to get a job, or go back to school and figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. Honestly, I feel like I've just graduated high school again, and have to figure out where my life is taking me, except now I have 4 kids, a dog and two cats, and a mortgage and a mini van. What 18 year old has that? wait, I'm not 18...I'm 29 and have all that.

The kids and I are proof that life can change in a heartbeat. Just over 6 months ago we were a happy family of 6, with plans to move to PA this summer, and a husband that was getting 4.0 gpa and on the Dean's list at his University. Then literally, with one heartbeat...that life is gone. Barry's heart beat one last time, it came to a shuddering halt, and then our lives ended. A new life was born, and we have had to accept it as best as we can, and just keep on keepin' on. We've had no choice BUT to move forward. .

This post is a hot mess, and I'm sorry if it was hard to read. I felt like I had a million thoughts going through my head tonight as I wrote it.

Everyone Needs A Down Day

Today we are dealing with typical WA fall/winter weather. It's cold, dreary, and pouring buckets of rain outside. Last night the wind was blowing so hard that the lights dimmed themselves.

Or maybe it was Barry come back to haunt me! lol He always said he would.

I am sitting here at my desk, in my red pajamas, contemplating whether or not I want to get showered in time to take my 3.5 year old to story time at the library. To be completely honest though, I don't want to go. I just want to sit and be home for awhile. We'll probably head out in a little while to return them anyway, just do a drive and dump. Don't want to accrue those fees you know!

We have been running ragged every since Barry died. Like I said in my last post, there really hasn't been that many days that we haven't gone out. And I don't really get to stay home today anyway, because we have grief support tonight. That I don't want to go to. I don't like that group at all, but the kids enjoy it, so I'll suck it up for them. Really though, it's all a bit too hippy for me, lighting the candles at the end, doing "break the ice" activities. It's lame, to put it lightly, and I feel out of place.

I've been feeling like I should blog about Barry, but I don't have the words today. Maybe I have a bit of a writer's block, but I can't think of anything to say about or for him. The insomnia is still affecting me, don't know why I can't get to bed on time. Last night, or should I say this morning, was 1:15AM. And I got up at 7:20. I do want to write about him, so I think I'll just share some memories...

• When Barry got a little alcohol in him, he laughed like a little school girl. Ok, he laughed like that all the time. My sister always said it was so odd how this big, burly man had a girly laugh.
• Barry's handwriting was impeccable. SO much so that I had trouble reading it sometimes. He rarely printed his letters, almost always writing in cursive.
• Barry had big lat muscles, so when he walked, he always carried his arms out to the side a bit, like a big hulk walking towards you
• He LOVED my homemade bread, we had it with almost every dinner meal when he was home
• He made the best spaghetti ever. Before he came home in October, i bought the ingredients for him to make his legendary sauce. I haven't been able to make it yet, and I am not quite sure when I will. Funny how spaghetti makes me want to cry. One time though, right after our youngest was born, he made it and it was so spicy. The older three kids were crying because they couldn't eat it. I think that was the day I came home from the hospital after my c-section. I can duplicate his recipe, but it never, never, tastes the same as his. He had a special touch.
• He had awful feet. They were wide, he had hairy toes, and very very flat feet. He was made for Rucking! He had told me before (Barry and I discussed death a lot, so that is how I was able to fulfill all his requests. It was a topic we spoke of often while we were married) that when he died he wanted someone to ID his body and be there when he was cremated. I asked my mom to do that for him, and she said she was honored to do so. While she wasn't able to stay for the entire cremation, as it is about a 7 hour process, she was there and helped push him into the chamber. Where was I? oh feet, lol. Ok, I said he had awful feet, and before Mom left, I told her how she could ID him...just by looking at his feet. And she said when she got there, she had no problem whatsoever IDing him by his feet (he was cremated in a cardboard box, he didn't want any pomp and circumstance for that, and they cut a corner off of it so you can look at the ankle/toe tag).
• Sometimes I wish I had been there to help push him in, but I think that would have been too hard for me. I said my goodbyes at the hospital shortly after he died.

I am still having trouble coming to terms with his death. I really thought I "knew", but I was wrong. The thing is, my mind knows that he has died, but my heart does not. This life that I have been forced into, it doesn't seem real. I wouldn't liken it to a dream like state, but it certainly does feel like that sometimes. I feel like I am just going through the motions, just like a robot actually. Yes, I laugh, I cry, I yell, and I get angry, but it still doesn't seem real.

So Long, Farwell....

To our trip, that is.

We just can't catch a break, can we? This morning my hubby called to tell me that one of his fillings partially fell out. So when he comes home we have to get that fixed. I seriously doubt that any trip to Canada is happening now. *sigh*

Maybe we'll get a miracle, but I don't hold much hope for that. Oh well, we'll make it another time I guess.

And to top it all off, today while I was on my way to the YMCA for my workout, the brakes started to act really funny, so I made an appointment with MIDAS for this afternoon and they're getting replaced. I knew it was coming, I was just hoping I could hold off until next week. I didn't even get to work out, I just went straight home, I was too scared to do anything else but go home.

Send some luck our way...we definitely need it.

edited PM:

Looks like "luck" isn't in our cards this time around. After I got the brakes fixed today, I found out that the transmission needs to be flushed, and that some lights are out. Not dire at least. I thought perhaps we could get those done when my hubby comes home, and still make it to the wedding. But we've still all but called it off right now. So unless his pay on friday is a large large sum, then I won't be going. That's ok though, I've kind of resigned myself to that already. Something just doesn't want us to go to Canada, does it?

Now Comes The Torrential Downpour

If you read my post yesterday, you'll know that life has been a little difficult lately. When it rains, it pours. Today came the Torrential Downpour.

I went to Midas this morning to get my brakes checked like I mentioned last night, and find out they all need to be replaced, brake drums cleaned etc etc. It is going to cost upwards of $400.

Thank you fate! Thank you so much for ruining our trip to Canada.

I don't even know what to do at this point, but just hope that enough money comes in for us to pay for the brakes and go to Canada still. I'm feeling sick about it.

With my birthday money, money from my paypal account, and the money I made today at the yard sale, we had half of the trip money saved up. But not anymore.

I don't know what else to say. Please keep us in your thoughts.