Tuesday, April 13, 2010

I miss Barry

I was sitting here tonight on my new couch, in my new living room, watching TV on my new TV, when everything kind of hit me again.

Things have settled down somewhat here in our new home. We're basically unpacked, save for a few boxes in my room and one in the living room, and all the pictures need to be hung yet, as well as the garage (which is a complete mess). The house is awesome and I love it, and I am finally starting to realize that it's my house.

But something is missing.

It's Barry.

Tonight while I was sitting here, I just started to cry because it all hit me again. I have been so busy the last few weeks with moving and unpacking, and our vacation, that I had no time to think. And now that things have calmed down a bit, my brain starts wandering and thoughts creep into my head that I've tried so hard to avoid. I can't even think straight right now and feel like my writing is all jumbled.

I was thinking about him and had a hard time again realizing that he was dead. Like maybe, just maybe, he was just working and not at home as per usual. Because you know, husbands and daddies don't die suddenly without warning. They don't leave behind a wife of 10 years and four young children. They just don't die, because that never happens...that's not real life. Husbands don't die, they just don't.

Unfortunately, that's not true. They do die without warning. And their death changes your life forever.

Apart from still needing to accept Barry's death, I still haven't fully accepted this new life. I don't like being thrust from one life into a brand new one, being forced to accept everything against my will. Some people have exhibited jealousy towards me, jealous that I have new furniture, a new house, etc etc, but I'd give it all back if I could. I really honestly would give it up just to have him back. I want my old life back, I want my old routines, I want my husband, I want my daily phone calls and text messages. I just want my old life back. I look around my house and think to myself, "how is this my life?"

I've had to go from one life with all these plans, to a new life full of uncertainty. Now instead of Barry and I and the kids, its just Me and the kids. I have to figure out the future for us, without him. It scares me. Eventually I will have to get a job, or go back to school and figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. Honestly, I feel like I've just graduated high school again, and have to figure out where my life is taking me, except now I have 4 kids, a dog and two cats, and a mortgage and a mini van. What 18 year old has that? wait, I'm not 18...I'm 29 and have all that.

The kids and I are proof that life can change in a heartbeat. Just over 6 months ago we were a happy family of 6, with plans to move to PA this summer, and a husband that was getting 4.0 gpa and on the Dean's list at his University. Then literally, with one heartbeat...that life is gone. Barry's heart beat one last time, it came to a shuddering halt, and then our lives ended. A new life was born, and we have had to accept it as best as we can, and just keep on keepin' on. We've had no choice BUT to move forward. .

This post is a hot mess, and I'm sorry if it was hard to read. I felt like I had a million thoughts going through my head tonight as I wrote it.


Rina the Mama Bear said...

:( Thinking about you guys. I can imagine it would be tough to have all these changes happen so quickly. *hugs*

Chrissy said...

I know exactly how u feel, cuz I was where u are now..for me it was 9 years ago and yes, it is overwhelming... family and friends are so important now... death changes family and friends... death brings or separates a family.. in my case it separates, i guess because my inlaws and my own family didn't know how to deal w/it... friends became my family... u will get through this..

riseofyourlife said...

My heart goes out to you. I can relate to the feelings you're having about moving to a new home without your husband, I did the same a year ago. There is a real conflict between the wow-I-have-a-new-home-with-new-stuff and just wanting back everything you had before - including your husband. I've been in our new place for just over a year now and I'm still adjusting, but I am sure that this was the best decision I could have made for myself and my children and those conflicted feelings, like so many other negative feelings become fewer and further between as time goes on and you settle in to this leg of the journey. Peace and solace to you and yours....
~Steph C.