Monday, September 27, 2010

13 More Days

If you haven't been through an emotional trauma like I have, you probably don't know how your body reacts to it.

After Barry passed, I ate...but I didn't really eat.  I didn't snack, I ate my small meals, I didn't get pleasure out of eating. I lost a LOT of weight in the first couple months, it was literally pouring off of me.  I've kept up with the weight loss since then, very slowly albeit, but I've managed to lose about 80lbs since a year ago.

Now that the one year anniversary is a mere 13 days away, it finally hit me this morning that my body is going through the same thing. Food is starting to lose its appeal to me, and I am losing the desire to eat. I get hungry, but nothing is appetizing to me at all. I know I am hungry right now, and I had a yoplait light yogurt for breakfast, but that's all I can stomach. I just don't want to eat.  So I drink water.

                     *disclaimer* yes I still eat, but i only eat because I have to, not because I want to. I don't eat a lot.

For quite some time after Barry died, food had no taste to me.  I ate so much yogurt because it was the only thing I could stomach. Everything tasted like sand.  Food is starting to taste like sand again.

I am very angry right now, and a bucket of tears.  I think I have cried every day since the beginning of the month.  I feel like my life is in a jumble, a snake pit...everything writhing around and you cant tell where something begins and ends.  Plus, add in the chaos of getting ready for our trip, and that just makes a whole big hot mess.

Tonight starts our next grief support group, and I am so looking forward to it.  Despite the fact that it takes up 4 hours of my monday nights twice a month, I love it. I get to be with people that have been what I have been through.  I need this support.

We leave for Florida in a mere eight days. Next Tuesday night we will be getting on a plane and escaping life for two weeks. I can not wait.  I hope that this vacation is a break for us, that I will get somewhat of a chance to recharge (yes, I know I said recharge and I am going to Florida by myself for two weeks with four kids, but it WILL be a good vacation), and get a grasp on my life.  I can sit by the pool and read while the kids play.  I can ride space mountain. I can eat a smoked turkey leg.  I can have a beer in Epcot Germany in remembrance of my darling husband.  I can go to Hogwarts and Hogsmeade village in Universal Orlando and remark to the kids how much their daddy would have loved it, how in his element he would have been. I will put my feet in the Atlantic Ocean, I will go to Nasa and stare in awe. And I will have a good time, I will get a tan, and I will come back wishing I could stay forever.

I need this vacation, I need to get away from my snake pit of a life.  I need to be happy, if just for two weeks.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010


So, I may have mentioned in my last blog post that I was going to take up running.  I did day one on September 13th, the day A started Pre-K.

I have kept up with it, and this week started my second week.  Day one I completed yesterday.  The running was upped 30 seconds each time, so it was a bit of an adjustment.  I know I will get used to it though.  And I am LOVING it!! I love running.

It exhausts me, it makes me sweat, it makes me breathe heavy, it makes me sore, it makes me want to give up, but I keep plodding away as my feet hit the pavement. It is so hard sometimes to keep pushing myself, to make myself keep going just a little further till I hear that familiar bell on the iPod touch telling me it is time to walk again.  But the fact of the matter is, I still do it, and I still push myself.

I have lost 10lbs since I started running.  Yes, you read that right, 10 pounds in a week.  I haven't changed too much of my eating habits, but I have cut out a lot of sweets.  Ok, I take that back, last night I ate a huge king size snickers bar, and at the Mariners game last Friday I pigged out on hot tamales, and had McDonald's for dinner.  But seeing as I rarely buy candy bars, I figured it was ok.  A treat once in awhile is ok, and as long as I don't keep them in the house, I'm not tempted to eat them.

Yesterday at my MOPS group, one of my good friends Angela commented that she didn't even recognize me.  She hasn't seen me since the beginning of june, so I guess I changed even over the summer.  WOW!! (Angela  was not at the hospital when Barry died, but came to the house that afternoon, and she lives an hour away, and cooked us all dinner, staying for hours along with a few other girlfriends of mine.  She helped orchestrate a lot of the meals we got through my MOPS group, helped with food at the funeral etc etc.  She was wonderful and I'll forever love her for that).

I am absolutely loving the fact that this weight is pouring off of me.  It makes me want to work harder.  I was looking at a picture of myself the other day, and I was amazed how different I look compared to a year ago.  Perhaps I will share that one day...I look like a completely different person.  I was reflecting on that, and thinking how much Barry would just love how I looked right now.  He loved me at this size...he wouldn't be able to keep his hands off me ;) (now, and years ago when I was this size before I gained all the weight).  I wish Barry could enjoy this new body of mine.  I do know that he can see me, and is still around though, because I saw an orb hovering over me in a picture I took the other night.  It was plain as the nose on my face, just sitting there above my left shoulder.

Speaking of seeing the orbs...I really am not so sure how I feel about that. It makes me so happy to know that he is still around, and gives me a sense of comfort knowing he is watching over us.  But on the other hand, it makes me sad.  That being because he is STILL here, and I can't see, feel, or hear him.  Am I supposed to be content knowing that he is?  I wonder if he is shaking his head at me, all this new stuff I am doing, all the new experiences we are having.  Would he be happy I bought the house? Bought a new 2011 Honda Pilot? He'd probably tell me to stop sitting around and "go clean his house" lol.  Either way, I guess it is a big comfort knowing he is sticking around.  He always did say he would come back to haunt me.  And that he did, but in a good way.  Just wait, I'll now have some really creepy experience to blog about soon because I jinxed myself haha.

Two weeks from today, I will be in Florida.  We leave in 13 days!!! So with that, I say goodbye today, because I have a million things to do.  No running today, as my shins are a bit sore and I don't want to over-do it (I'll probably hit the elliptical later).  Errands, errands and more errands today. Plus...I NEED to start packing.

I am sure you're all wondering...yes, I am taking the lap top with me to Florida.  I've figured out how to tether my blackberry to my laptop so I will have internet access to blog.  Speaking of that...tell me WHY in 2010 do hotels not have WiFi? Especially at Disney World? WHY????????

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Post 700!!!

Well, I couldn't really think of a better title than that.  I need to celebrate 700 posts on this blog! WooHoo!!

I've been asked recently when I was going to post again, and my first thought was "I don't know, I don't really feel like writing".  But maybe I need to, I think so at least. Writing helps me deal with my feelings, and it is so beneficial to get those out on "paper".

I'm doing a bit better since my last post, but I'm still dealing with a lot of those emotions that I mentioned, being frustrated and angry at couples, and bitter at my situation.  It has passed for the most part. I still haven't called the counselor.  Not on purpose, but because I have been so pre-occupied right lately.  You'll also notice that on the 10th, I purposely did NOT post.  I did not want to post.  I didn't want to be reminded that Barry had been dead for 11 months.  I find it so hard to believe that it has been that long already.  How different my life is this September, compared to last year when Barry was still healthy at this time.  He got sick shortly after though, I remember him being sick for a couple weeks.  You know what the sad thing is, I was really worried about him.  I was scared for him.  I had a bad feeling, but I couldn't put my finger on it.  I was afraid he would die, and I told him that.  I was very scared, but why was I so worried? It was just the flu, or so we thought.  He assured me that if he thought he was going to die, that he would go to the hospital. And then he came home to go to the hospital.  Unfortunately, my intuition was right.

Enough with the sad crap though, I need to update on our lives here! September 8th the kids all started school.  Because we moved back in April, the kids were starting at a new school.  So it really has been a year of changes for us, new house, new neighborhood, new lives, new school, new friends.  They are adjusting well, and making new friends and love their new school.  We do miss our friends at the old school, but the good thing for us is that we are still in the same area we were before, so all their friends are still close and no further driving distance (we moved down the street).

Yesterday was A's first day of pre-k.  She dressed herself, and was so very excited to go to school.  Her first day went great, she is making friends already and the parents are very friendly from what I've seen so far.  I'm very happy with the school I chose.  She will go four days a week in the afternoons from 1-4. It is a nice break for me, I get a little time to myself to re-charge.  She was so proud of herself yesterday morning before we left.  I told her how proud Daddy would be of her, and how big of a hug he would give her. She said to me "how am I supposed to hug him?", and I told her to hug her heart.

We all talk about Barry often, it has started getting easier.  Just the other day at dinner, we were joking and laughing about some of the silly stuff he would do.  Yes, it is still hard to believe he is gone.  Even after almost a year, I still have trouble accepting the fact.  We all miss him so much, and that will never change. But talking about him is getting easier.

My big news is that I started running.  I think I may have mentioned that before, feeling the need to have the adrenaline release.  I just want to feel my feet pounding the pavement.  About a week or so ago, I purchased the C25K app for my iPod touch, which is the Couch To 5K program.  I don't know how far I ran yesterday (my plan is to do it while A is in school) , but it was a 31 minute program.  The app staggers running for a minute and walking for 90 seconds.  I thought I was going to pass out at some times, but I DID IT! I completed the first day without stopping or giving up.  I was hot, sweaty, and exhausted afterwards. I am so proud of me.  I actually did it!!! I will do running day 2 tomorrow, and I'm already looking forward to it. I'll have to take two weeks off the program while we are in Florida, but with all the walking we'll be doing I'm sure we'll be ok.

Speaking of Florida...we leave in LESS THAN THREE WEEKS!!!!! We are so incredibly excited.  The kids are really gearing up for the trip, and I've started to get us ready.  I'll probably start packing soon too.  Yes, I know it is early, but with 5 people going away for two weeks I need to be prepared. I also need to get the pet's stuff ready for the kennel.  I do plan on taking the lap top with me, so I will do my very best to blog while we are there.  I know the one year anniversary will pass while we are there, and I want to write that day, but I will probably do a pre

On October 10th, I am not sure what we will be doing as a family. I think we may get some balloons and each write a special message to Barry on them, and release them.  Does anyone have any other good ideas?

Well, it is time to get my day started.  I'll try to write more often, but the next few weeks are incredibly busy for me...harass me if I'm not writing enough.

Saturday, September 04, 2010

Angry, Bitter, Pissed Off, Weepy, Jealous, Infuriated

That title explains some of my emotions over the last week or so.

I've been so angry lately, just full of raw emotions that my week has been a whirlwind.  I don't know what set me off last weekend, I suppose it was a number of things, but its continued to multiply all week until last night was the breaking point for me.

This is all part of the grief cycle, I know that, but when it hit me so hard, I was completely taken aback by the rush of emotion I felt.

The big issue for me right now is my anger at being a single mom, my bitterness at seeing couples together.  And especially at women who take their husbands for granted.  And for part of last night too, I was very angry at Barry for leaving me.  I really feel like I am hitting the anger stage in my grief cycle.  I'm angry at everyone around me for having what I do not. I've been struggling with all of these this whole past week and I just can't seem to get over it. Today is the first good day I've had in awhile.  I suppose that is due to the complete break down I had yesterday afternoon.

I was at a local wildlife park with the kids, and we were having a wonderful day together.  We ate out, we had ice cream, we saw bears and cougars, foxes, wolves, moose, bison, elk, owls, etc etc, and just really enjoyed ourselves.  But then I started noticing all these couples together and started to get really sad. I missed Barry so much.  And I was ANGRY.  and JEALOUS.  I will be completely honest and say I abhor seeing couples together.  It makes me want to poke them with hot rusty sticks, or else scratch my eyes out. Yep, that's pretty graphic, but its true.  I'm so bitter about my situation, I hate being  a single mom. I hate seeing women take their men for granted because I would gladly take one in a heartbeat.

As soon as we got back in the truck to get home, I started getting weepy.  It didn't stop, it was like a slow leak.  We stopped at Safeway because we had almost no food in the house, shopped for an hour, got home and got the groceries inside.  And then the waterworks started. I just started crying and crying and crying.  Thankfully the kids were outside for that.  I was just a fucking mess. I had tears pouring off my face.  And having no tissue handy at that moment, I resorted to using a dish towel to blow my nose on several times.

I knew I had to have company last night, so I texted Jason. And he was busy.  I called Rebecca, which I felt really guilty about because her husband just got back from Iraq a few days ago, but she didn't answer her phone either (which I can understand).  I called Lani, who answered thankfully and listened to me sob, and then promised to come over and drink with me later.  I managed to calm down a bit enough to feed the kids dinner, but I was still a weepy, tear leaking mess.  As soon as the kids went to bed, the water works started again.  At 10PM I was just sobbing in the kitchen.  again. But then Lani never showed up, and never answered her phone either this morning when I called. So I was depressed, drinking and alone last night when I desperately needed company.  My saving grace was a very dear twitter friend of mine who shall remain nameless, whom I also talk to on bbm (blackberry messenger) a lot. We were able to talk for quite some time over bbm late, last night and I was able to catch my breath, calm down, and even laugh a bit.  I really really needed that, so if you are reading this, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Yesterday I probably cried or leaked tears for almost 7 hours if not more. I also cried a lot over the last week and a half. I think I've cried buckets worth. By the time I was done, my head was pounding, I had drank a bit (which I know did not help), and my face was red. I also cried off about three coats of waterproof mascara.  Yes, three coats.  That's a hell of a lot of crying you know.   And today I feel much better. I needed that release.  The only way I've been able to keep that from happening is to block everything out of my mind.  To forget, and just go about my daily life.  I think that it is time to stop that though, because when I block things out, the dam will burst like it did.  It is the only way I know how to function though most of the time.

I'm still sad, I'm still bitter and angry, jealous and infuriated.  But this whole week has made me realize that I am ready to go see a counselor.  I was not ready before, but I am now.  I am ready to talk to someone.  I'm glad about that because we are almost at the one  year really? One year.  That amazes me. the older girls are at a birthday party.  Last year this same day they were at the same girls birthday party.  Barry was home.  The weather was the same as today, cloudy and a little cool.  After he and I dropped the girls off at their friend's house, we took M and A to Burger King for lunch.  That's all I remember about this day last year.  He had two more days at home with us then, before he went back to work.  That was one of his last times at home.  I miss him so much.