Dear Barry

Hey babe :)

I just wanted to send you a quick note to share in my excitement about my new phone....guess what?

I GOT AN iPHONE 4!!!!!!!

Over the weekend I decided my black berry had crashed and frozen on me one too many times, so I made the switch to your blackberry, but kept having freezing issues.  And really, the only reason I was holding onto the blackberries was because of bbm and the ease of talking to my sister and brother when I needed to.  But then Maegen told me about another app she had for chatting, and I figured I had nothing to lose.

Yesterday while A was at school, I drove to the Verizon store and upgraded my phone! I was due for an upgrade anyway, so that just made it all the more easier of a decision to make.  I am so happy with my new phone.  But at the same time, it is a little bittersweet because of you.  I know you always said if Verizon ever got an iPhone, you would switch back to one.  So I did it for both of us. :) It is an amazing phone, they've come light years in technology since you had yours.  I still have my iPod touch that you bought me for Christmas three years ago, and I use it for music in the Honda.

Today I had to fill out A's kindergarten registration.  It was a smack in the face to me though, because I had to write "father is deceased" on the forms to avoid confusion.  They'd want to know why I didn't put any info down, right? Little things like this sting the most, like a paper cut, because I can't do anything about them.  And it's just one more reminder that you're not here, you won't be at her first day of Kindergarten, and that you're missing so much.  I hate it.  I hate it for me, and I hate it for the kids.

I miss you, and I will always love you <3

Love forever and always,
Me.

Happy Birthday Baby!!

Dearest Barry,

Today is your 31st Birthday.  How I wish you were here to celebrate with us, because you see, today is also a very special day for other reasons; We're having A's 5th birthday party today.  I've done this for two birthdays now, as last year we also had her party on your birthday.  I can't believe she will be 5 on Monday.  Did you know that after you died, I was leaving the hospital with Lisa and I saw a couple come up from Labor and Delivery with a brand new baby.  I remarked to Lisa that the last time I left that hospital with you was when A was born, and that now I was leaving without you for good.  I felt so incredibly heartbroken in that moment; seeing a husband and wife with their brand new baby girl.

I can't believe you are 31 today.  We met when we were 18!! That seems like a lifetime ago, doesn't it? This year would have been our 12th anniversary.  I can't even fathom that anymore, it seems surreal to me, like a dream.  Yesterday when I was baking A's cupcakes, I thought about you because I was making chocolate cupcakes.  Chocolate was always your favorite flavor, and I had half a mind to go buy two more cake mixes and make a giant 13x9" double layer cake like you always would.  And I wanted to cover it in copious amounts of chocolate icing.  I wish I could do that for you.  Instead I made 36 Toy Story 3 Cupcakes.

I don't know what to say, what to write to you right now. Writing to you is cathartic, but I can't do it too often.  That is such a huge change from when we were engaged though, I'd send you pages and pages of letters..and now I struggle to find the words.  They're evading me.

What I do want to tell you is thank you for giving me four awesome children.  Thank you for making me a mommy.  I want to tell you that especially because our baby will be 5 tomorrow.  You are missing so many important milestones already.  She is such a character Barry...she would have you cracking up like crazy.  She is a total goof ball, she still dresses all crazy like and in wild clothing combinations.  She tells jokes all the time, she dances, she sings, she looks like you in some of the pictures of you at age 5 making the same silly faces.  She is her father's daughter in every way.  I can't believe she will be starting kindergarten in September.

Why can't you be here for that? Why did you have to leave us? Why did you have to leave the kids without their daddy? Me without a husband? Why did you have to fuck up our lives so bad? I know its' not your fault, but I'm very upset right now thinking that OUR daughter was just a baby when you died and now she won't hardly remember you.  She's starting kindergarten in 6 months and another man will be there for her first day, and NOT you.  It's not fair, NOT at all.  I want you to be here to see them grow up, see her grow up...to see them turn 13, learn how to drive, graduate high school, university..get married, have babies. I want you to be there to see OUR grandchildren.  And you won't be.  That makes me so mad and angry and sad.

With that, I'm going to end this.  It's time to get ready for the birthday party, and I have lots of stuff to do yet. I love you Barry.  Happy Happy Birthday!! We'll be thinking about you all day today.  We miss you and love you so much.

Forever and always,
Me
xoxoxoxoxp

Dear Barry

Hi Honey,

I was thinking of you this morning, and wanted to write you a letter.

It's Sunday morning, I have strep throat and I feel like shit.  I went to the drop in clinic yesterday with a 102.3 Fever, and I am now on antibiotics.  It started snowing off and on this morning, the last time we had snow this early I think was back in 07 or 08.  None of it has stuck yet, but you should have heard the kids scream with joy when I told them to look out the window.

I think I am going to head out to Costco later, because I have to pick up thanksgiving stuff for this week for when Maegen and Colin come over.  I think you'd like Colin.  Maegen really does, and they make such a cute couple.  She's happy with him, and I know you would be happy for her :) They are coming for Thanksgiving weekend :)  I am buying a new tree this year, and we're going to be putting up on Black Friday with Maegen and Colin. But this time....I'm getting one that is pre-lit.  None of that "putting lights on the branches" nonsense for me anymore haha.

I have some AWESOME news for you darling.  On November 18th, Bernd and Tanja finally had their babies.  David and Bianca.  I know they tried for so many years to get pregnant, and they are our oldest friends, so I just had to share the news with you.  I can't wait to see pictures of them, I bet they are just precious.

And some of the most exciting news I have for you, is that I got to see Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows, Part 1 last night, in IMAX!!! Oh baby, it was amazing.  I actually just started reading the book again, so I could refresh my memory.  I got a little teary eyed at a couple times, and thought of you.  I wish you could have been there with me, because we got to see Order of The Phoenix and The Half Blood Prince together in 07 and 09.  It just seemed wrong seeing one of the movies without you.  I wish you could have been able to see the last two.

We had a bit of a really weird thing happen last week.  Athena refused to go into the living room by the TV, and was barking really shrill like.  She was on edge and just refused to go in there, but kept looking in that direction and had a really defensive stance.  I'm thinking you were here with us, because Braddock and the cats were just fine.  They know you, Athena does not.  It was a bit unnerving to say the least, and I went in the living room where she would not stand, and then she barked, and I got goosebumps.  I wasn't scared, but I am positive you were there with us.  Was it you? Thank you for watching over us darling.

I just wanted to say hi, tell you that I love you, that I miss you.

Love forever,
Me
xoxoxp

Dear Barry

Dearest Barry,

Hi baby. I haven't written you in a long time, and I feel this intense urge to do so today.  I should have done it last night, but I was so tired from our day in Seattle, that I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  I think if I had, I would be feeling much better right now rather than having woken up in a funky mood.

While we were in Seattle all day, I saw so many things that reminded me of you.  I was with a friend and the kids, and I had trouble holding back the tears on the way home.  I just couldn't cry, I wouldn't let myself.  We were at this one shop, and guess what I found???? A decal (well, a metal one) of the Flying Spaghetti Monster!!! I just laughed and laughed at that one, and bought it! I'm going to put it on the new car (more about that in a bit).  I just love it, but when I was looking at it, and buying it, I was desperately wanting to tell you about it.  Sometimes I have these moments where I just want to pick up the phone and call you, and tell you something about my day, or something funny that you and I would get.  I know you would get a kick out of that.  I wonder what people will think when they see it on the van. I also went to your favorite German store there, the Bavarian Delicatessen in the market.  The last time I was there was with you...and oh I missed you walking into there.  I picked up some Waffeln (ALL MINE mwuhahahaha) and some Pfefferminz Ritter Sport, because those were what you sent me back when we were engaged.  I saw the curry ketchup you liked, and almost bought it, but didn't, because you always liked it more than I. I got some amazing Rye bread too, that you would have loved, and had it this morning toasted with some cheese.  I almost bought some pumpernickel, but passed on that.  It all reminded me of when we'd go to Aldi in Mainz, and get the bread, cheese, all that wonderful food we'd have in our apartment.

Friday I turned 30.  I missed you that day.  I missed my giant birthday cake. I really really missed you honey. Maegen and Katie were here, and we went out for an awesome dinner, and then went to some bars downtown. Me in a bar? Can you believe it? I drank, and had fun, and danced.  It was a great way to ring in my 30s. My 20s were with you, but what will my 30s bring?

I'm buying a new vehicle. After you died, and the van was paid off b/c we were wise to get life insurance on it, things started going wrong with it.  And now the struts need replaced...and only on one side, but that's $500 right there.  Plus the "intake manifold gasket" needs replaced as well, and I just don't feel like shelling out $1200 just for repairs. I've put so much money into it the last 7 months and I'm TIRED of it. I don't want to do it anymore.  Jesse (my mechanic at Midas) told me that its getting to the point where Fords become money pits, and the van has almost 100K miles on it. I need something practical for the kids and I that wont break down so much, or give me a fear of it breaking down, and I will be going the SUV way.  I'm not doing the "swagger waggon" thing anymore haha.  I'm not sure yet if I will trade it in, or sell it outright, but I should get a fair amount for it because it has brand new tires and brand new brakes. Anyway...I just wanted to tell you that I'm getting something new, and I am pretty excited about it!!!

Honestly, it kind of boggles my mind to have all this new stuff.  New house, new body, new clothes, new car, new everything. It's surreal to have all this without you here.  I know you'd be happy for me, and hopefully you trust my judgement enough to know I am doing what I feel is best for the kids and I.  I'm doing as best as I can without you darling, but it is so hard.

Next week the kids and I are headed up to BC for our annual trip to BC.  This time without you. I'm so happy you were able to go last year with us, and we have those memories of our trip to Canada.  It won't be the same without you Barry, but I suppose we have to get used to it because you won't ever be coming back.  Now I'm going to have to go to Karl's and get stroop waffles without you, and not share the droopjies with you, and all that other stuff we loved doing. I miss you so much Barry, I would give anything to have you here with us.

Well, the sun is shining and I need to do some weeding outside before the garden is overrun.  I'll talk to you soon darling.  I love you!

Love,
Me
xoxoxoxp

Dear Barry and A Year Of Memories

I guess April was just too much of a crazy month for me, because I forgot a couple A year of Memories posts. The day in question was April 8th, 1999, but I won't be writing about it after all because it wasn't a very good memory for Barry and I. After the years had passed, we always laughed about it, but I'd still rather not write about it. And with that....

Dearest Barry,

Today was May 1st. You know what that means!!!

We missed you so much this weekend. Friday night the kids and I had cake, like we always do on April 30th ;-), and a special dinner. Maybe not super special this year, but the kids wanted pizza, so I picked up our favorite frozen DiGiornos, and a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting (because that has always been your favorite) for dessert. Before we ate, I dug out the black candles and lit the big black pillar for you, and placed it in the middle of the table. As we ate, I had all of us go around and say a special memory we had of you. Mine was how you laughed like a little girl, and the kids also mentioned how you stank up the bathroom, snored all the time and farted a lot. Leave it to our kids to remember that stuff, lol. We all had a good laugh at that. A refused to talk, as always. I also read to the kids a bit about the history of this weekend!

This morning we woke up to a breakfast of orange breakfast rolls with icing, and chocolate milk. It was fabulous! We got ready, and then headed out to North West Trek. Do you remember how you and I were planning on going for E's birthday in October? You really wanted to go see the Cats! :) The kids and I had been talking about what to do for this weekend for months, and it was their idea to go to NWT because we knew you had wanted to. So we did that today, and celebrated the day just as we would had you been there! It was our tribute to you, darling, because you couldn't be there in person.

We spent all day there, and I got so many pictures. I am quite positive you knew we were going, because ALL the animals were out, and I got so many pictures. I took over 450 pictures today! So many of the cats too. Oh, they were gorgeous Barry, you would have loved them! We spent a long time at the Cougar enclosure :)

Our plan was to eat at KFC for dinner, but the kids wanted Subway! On our way home, we picked it up and ate at home, ending our special day. I will be continuing this tradition with the kids for as long as is possible...forever I think, and we will always be doing something fun, as because of you, this tradition started.

Tonight after dinner, I made this stupid mistake of reading your twitter page. I resembled a raccoon by the time I was done, as I was sobbing uncontrollably. I MISS YOU. Oh how I miss you darling. It was so neat to see your tweets though, to see your witty self coming through those words on the screen, but it only made me feel worse. I don't think I'll be reading it for awhile again though. What really made me cry though, was reading your tweets when you were sick, saying you had a killer immune system etc etc. And then your very last one, saying you were in the hospital with pneumonia, ending it with an FML. You didn't know, did you? sigh. I wish we could turn back the clock and pause forever in August and early September. If only we could, right?

Well my dear, Doctor Who is on and I have to go. You know how that is ;-) I love you and adore you, and miss you so much. I'll see you in my dreams, I hope.

Love forever and always,

Me

xoxoxoxp

p.s. As I was reading your tweets, I found the one you wrote to me last summer about Hades licking the blinds strings in the old house. And guess what? He does it here too! LOL I had to laugh the other day when I saw him doing that. Crazy cat!!

*************

Every year from April 30th-May 1st, we have a family day. If May 1st even falls on a school day, the kids are taken out of school. It doesn't matter, that is the protocol for our family. That is how important this day is to us. Every year we do something fun, and last year we went to Woodland Park Zoo in Seattle. Last year too, we were behind schedule, same as today! haha Guess that has also become tradition :)

Dear Barry

Dear Barry,

Today I have something so incredibly awesome to tell you!

Guess who's coming to Seattle???? JIMMY!!!!!! Yes, you read that right, JIM NORTON!!!!! I saw the update on face book last night, and squealed because I was so excited to see that he was finally coming again. The show is on May 28th, Memorial Day weekend. Eeek!!!

Tickets go on sale in just two hours and I am anxiously waiting to refresh the ticket master site. I am just beside myself with excitement. I can not wait to go and see him in person. When I go to the show, I am going to do my damnedest to get a picture with him...maybe I'll finally be able to tell him about that dream? Remember that? hahahaha.

I know that Jimmy was your favorite comedian, heck I heard about him for hours some days and I just wanted to strangle you because you wouldn't shut up. Strangely, I miss hearing about "the boys" now, and would give anything to hear you talk about them. I want to do this for you, and for me as I know absolutely LOVE him, and I know you'll be there in spirit with me.

I'll save you a seat, ok?

I love you and miss you baby.

Love,

Me

xoxoxox

**************

Just have to add in a little side note for you guys. I just bought the tickets! I am beside myself with excitement. I have been wanting to see Jimmy in person for FOREVER, and I am so so so so so so SO VERY VERY VERY excited! I just want to jump up and down and squeal, thats how excited I am!!! He hasn't been to Seattle in a couple years, and last time we couldn't make it. Now I am just so incredibly giddy, excited, and so much looking forward to May 28th!

Dear Barry

Dear Barry,

Well it's time again for me to write you another letter. I've been missing you a lot lately, so I wanted to write you to give you a heads up on our lives back here at home.

Almost everything is done with the house! I'm just waiting on them to do a bit of painting, and fix a few minor flaws. They're also going to install a sump pump because we had a few water issues after all the rain. The fridge has yet to be delivered, but they have till closing to do that, and then the blinds have to be installed. I picked wood composite blinds instead of the wood ones like we had in Shelton. I went that route because the slats were bigger, haha, and picked the same color we had in Shelton too. I'm really happy with my choices and can't wait to see it installed.

I have pretty much bought all the furniture too! All that is left to get is a new desk, some storage units for the girls, the piano and some random minor kitchen things like new dishes. When I went to go pick out the furniture, I had all these ideas in my mind of what I wanted to get. In fact, it was more along the lines of what we would have picked together. Barry, I just couldn't do it. I couldn't. I did everything completely opposite of what we would have done, but I LOVE the color scheme I picked out, and every piece I picked out was painstakingly agonized over. Almost everything in that house will be new, furniture wise that is. We're keeping the table that you and M built even though it doesn't match my new cabinets, simply because you both built it together. Moving day should be April 2nd, and the furniture and mattresses are being delivered on the 30th, 31st and 3d.

Guess what I did the other night? I went to a movie by myself!!! I had Marni come over and babysit the kids, and I went to the theater. Guess what movie I saw? THE WOLFMAN!!! Bwahahahahaha. Remember when we saw the preview last summer? I don't remember if it was when we saw Harry Potter or Inglourious Basterds, but when I saw the preview, I remember leaning over to you and excitedly whispering "Let's go see that!!!, it looks awesome!!", but you REFUSED. You adamantly refused and I laughed. I still wanted to go see it though. And it was awesome, such a great movie. I thoroughly enjoyed going to a movie by myself, and I think I will do it often. I thought of you as I was watching the movie, and knew you would have been scared shit less hahaha, or run out like a screaming little girl. Kevin and I had a good laugh about it on facebook too. You and your fear of Werewolves...such an unexpected fear from such a big tough guy ;o) One of the many quirks about you that I loved....loved making fun of!

I read "The Road"! I really enjoyed it actually. It was a fantastic book...you were right about that. I am looking forward to seeing the movie. I also finished reading "The Lost Symbol", and I was very disappointed with the ending. "The Bible"? ugh what a cop out! I don't remember what your thoughts were on the book, but I hated the ending.

I put all your pictures away. I just can't look at you no matter how much I want to. It hurts me too much to see your handsome face, and blue blue eyes staring out at me. You're like a dream to me. Though we spent 11 years together, that life we had together, it doesn't seem real. Looking at pictures hurts my heart, reminds me of a life I once had and can never have again. I'm not ready to look at you yet, and I thought I was. I hope you can understand, I'm just not ready honey. I just can't. I still love you, and I always will.

I still don't think I've accepted the fact that you're gone. Yes, I know you are, but it still doesn't seem real to me. How is that possible? I need to go see a counselor, but I am waiting till after we move. I'm having separation anxiety, and struggling so very very much with not being able to talk to you every day. Yes, we're almost five months in, and I am still having trouble with it.

Barry, I'm scared to move without you. I'm scared to leave this house that we lived in with you. I sometimes wonder if I should have waited to move us, but whats done is done. I'm hoping that moving will help us move on a bit. The kids are doing so much better than I am...they're used to you being gone because that's all they knew. I'm used to you being gone, but I'm not used to your voice not being in my ear. I need a fresh start to help me heal, I don't think I can heal living in this house with constant reminders of you everywhere I turn. Everything has a touch of you. Everything from the blue dishes we bought at the PX, to "The Dragon", to the couch, to your pillow between my knees each night.

My throat is getting tight, and my eyes are squinting to keep the tears in as I write this. I don't want to cry right now, so I am going to end this now.

I'll love you forever and always,

Love,

Me

xoxoxoxoxp

P.S....think of me tomorrow as I get my Wisdom teeth taken out. I'm a little scared, so I'm being put out completely. I wish you were there to help me with everything, but I am so thankful for Sara and Monica who are going to help me out.

Dear Barry

My Darling Barry

It has now been 4 months since we said goodbye for now. Four months, already? Do you know how hard it is to believe that? Time has flown by, passed us so quickly, yet it has dragged on as slow as molasses.

In honor of you, I decided to do something special as I write this blog post. It is February 9th, but I will publish this February 10th at 11:11AM, the time that you died. Can you guess what I did that was so special for this day? Here I sit on the couch, as usual. But I am in your spot on the couch, and I am sitting here using your lap top, writing a "Dear Barry" letter to you, as your picture sits on the end table to my left. It's quite surreal actually.

I haven't opened your computer in quite some time, I can't really remember the last time I even turned it on! The EeePC you bought for yourself for your birthday last year sits in the bottom drawer of my dresser, I haven't even used that since Kevin was here for your funeral. I was scared to open it to be honest, I feel like I am invading your privacy. Kind of funny I guess to feel that way, but I do.

Yesterday the twins turned 9! 9 years old already, can you believe it? I remember the day they were born so well. I bought them each a Guitar! M got more legos, and a Bionicle and a puzzle. V got craft supplies galore, and Mousetrap. We went out for dinner to Izzy's Pizza. The last time we were all there was in July, two days before my birthday. It was the night you bought me my Wii Fit! We even sat at the same table the other night as we all did back in july. The kids and I thought that was so very special, it was our special tribute to you. We miss you so much Barry! Saturday I am having the twins' birthday party at the gymnastics place. I accidentally invited more kids than I thought, haha, so we will have a big party! The kids are looking forward to it though, and I am looking forward to it myself. I am so very lucky that Connie and Sara will be staying to help me!!

The house hunting is coming along nicely. I know you already know this, but I did put an offer on a house a few weeks ago. Its a beautiful home only 15 minutes away from us. On Sunday I took all the kids to see it, and they LOVED it. It's 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, a fully fenced back yard, two car garage. There is a huge kitchen, a formal living room, and even air conditioning! haha. It is a short sale, but the process seems to be moving along quicker than ours did, so I am very happy about that. I desperately wish that I could find the kids a house back in our school boundary lines, but you know as well as I do, that it is so hard to find houses near us. I made the decision that the kids will transition to a new school probably in the fall, unless the school here allows them to stay longer. They will be OK! We can still see all their friends even if we move. I know you were there with us on Sunday when we looked at the house, I could feel you there. I know I have your blessing Barry, thank you so much for that. I know you will come with us to the new house, and you have no idea how much comfort that gives me. I love you.

I've planned a trip for the kids and I this summer. Originally I had planned on going to the reunion at the end of June, but due to certain circumstances, I am almost positive I shall NOT be going anymore. To be honest, I don't want to spend the money, when it will probably be just negativity the whole time. I was also planning on taking the kids to DC and VA for a few days too after we go to PA, but since plans have changed, I'm not quite sure what we're going to be doing. I might still go to DC, or I might take them somewhere completely different.

I feel like my writing is all jumbled today, so I'm sorry if its all over the place and not making much sense. Lately I've been saying that my synapses haven't been firing well in my brain, lol. I've been so overwhelmed...especially this past week. Thursday someone hit the van in the Target parking lot, so that will be repaired next week. But this week, the brakes have been replaced, and the alignment was done as well. The doors are being fixed tomorrow, and the two front tires will be replaced as well. It seems like it is one thing after the other, but at least the van is paid off, right? I figured I would do all the needed repairs at once just to get it all taken care of. There has just been so much going on, along with the van, that I've had trouble making heads or tails of things. I am hoping that things settle down really soon, I just need a break. Sunday for Valentine's day, the kids and I will be doing something fun I think....we might make the trip up to Ikea! yes, I said UP...not down. I wont be driving to go to the Portland store.

I don't know what to write to you, to be completely honest. I miss you, I love you, and I think of you all the time.

Love forever and always,
Me
xoxoxoxox <3 BNB

Dear Barry

Hey Baby,

I haven't written you in awhile and thought I might like to write you a letter today.

Things here are going OK as they can be, but we miss you so much. I've found myself forgetting about you just because it's easier to get through the day. But please know that I don't really forget, I just close the pain off from my heart and my mind so that I can manage. I find that if I think about you too much I feel anxious and panicky. That happened today when I was on my way out to run some errands, I drove by the hospital and immediately thought about you and your last moments, the last time I looked into your eyes. And immediately I started to feel anxious and stressed, and I had to force myself to stop thinking about it. I just couldn't handle it. Please don't be upset with me for managing this way, I just don't know any way else to do it. You'll be happy to know I am going to grief support starting on the 13th. I wasn't sure I wanted to go, but I am looking forward to going. It's for 6 weeks and its for 2.5 hours every Wednesday. I think it will be good for me, very good, I need the support of people who have been through this too. Sometimes I just want to clench my fists, scream and stomp my feet because I'm so angry that you had to leave us. Dammit this isn't fucking fair! Why did you get taken away from us when so many other people deserved to go before you??

We barely got through Christmas without you, that was so hard. And believe it or not, our anniversary wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I thought about you most of the day, and thought about our wedding day, and all the wonderful memories we have of that day. You sewing me into my dress, the fact that we spoke more German than the translator, PIZZA HUT!!!, Tiramisu at the restaurant across from our hotel, all those fun and wonderful things. New Years Eve was the hardest day for me, apart from Christmas. I felt like I was leaving you behind in 2009. I didn't want to start the new year without you. I DON'T want to do this without you. I was afraid on new years eve because that meant that I was leaving behind the last year I had with you, you'll never be in another year with us. And that was so incredibly hard to accept. But here I am, it's January 7th, and I'm doing it. Doesn't make it any easier though, I miss you so much.

I decided that this year, 2010, I was going to make it start with a BANG! All of the decisions I have made, all the choices I have made, I have heard your voice in my head giving me your opinion. Thank you for guiding me along the way. Thank you for leaving us a legacy, providing for us even in death. I bet you know that I am buying a house! I am!!! I met with the realtor today and even went to look at some properties today. I am going to try keep the kids in their school if I can, but if not, I have a few places in mind that are elsewhere. Kids will adjust I guess, right? You always said that. I'm going to try find a 5 bedroom if I can, but if not, a 4 bedroom will have to do for now. Remember that development right down the road from us where they were building all the new homes? I looked at one home there, and I loved it. Not sure it has enough bedroom space, but I'm keeping it in mind. I also went back to the gym! I am finally going to make this the year I lose it and keep it off. I am going back tomorrow! Keep an eye out for me, ok? You can watch my butt from behind, I know you always liked doing that! :)

Well my dear, it is getting to be time for me to make the kids dinner. Tonight I'm making scrambled eggs, bacon and hash browns.

I don't know when I will write again, but please know that I am keeping you close to my heart, and I will always and forever love you. Come visit me in my dreams. I miss you sexy man!

Love,
Me

xoxoxoxp

One Month Ago

I have a post in mind for today, but I wanted to say some other things first. First off, I'm writing this Monday night. It's going to be a long post, so be forewarned. I don't have the ability to write this tomorrow morning because I am going to be out most of the day, and I don't want to deal with the emotions that come with writing a post like this. I'm staying away from the house, and keeping busy till the kids get home so I just don't have to think. I've also got a veteran's day assembly tomorrow night to go to. I figured why not write it tonight, Monday night, when I can deal with it all and wake up and not have to worry about writing such an emotional post. I haven't been able to write anything like this yet, and I certainly can't write like this in my journal right now. But I will definitely be keeping these posts for the future. Perhaps I'll even have them bound into a book. So here goes....I'm even crying while writing this intro.

One more thing. I had this post publish at Barry's time of death. 11:11Am.


My Dearest Barry,

I miss you so much honey. I think about you all the time, and I love, love, love you. I'll always love you less than 3. You're my sexy man, you mud stuffin!

One month ago, you were cruelly taken away from me and the kids. Little did I know that on that one Saturday, when I headed to the hospital, I would leave it without you forever. I wasn't even going to go to the hospital because we had to get ready for E's birthday party that afternoon, and I had to go pick up her cake at Safeway. You were going to make her a headstone cake with a candy skeleton, remember? But then when we realized you'd be in the hospital for awhile, we decided I'd go order one instead. Mom told me to go visit you, because it would be nice to see you earlier rather than later. I'm so glad I went.

We had such a nice visit that morning. Joking, laughing, and teasing each other. I remember you were eating your breakfast when I came into your room, and the first thing you said to me was "Hey Baby". I drank some of your OJ and then gave the rest to you because I didn't want to get any germs from you. I will treasure those moments forever. I'll never forget the time that we had. I am sure you know this, because I did tell you once you were conscious, but I was at the hospital day and night. I spent hours there with you in the ICU. I talked to you, rubbed your feet, held your hand, kissed your forehead, put pictures and cards up on your wall, everything. I don't remember saying I love you that morning, but your nurse Amy, told me she had heard us say it. I know we did, we were always saying I love you to each other.

Just a short time after I got to the hospital, I don't even remember what time it was, maybe 45 minutes? you got up to go to the bathroom. That's when it all went downhill. The nurses had me leave, and I called the family, and then they called a code blue. Dr. Christensen came to see me in the stairwell, where I was with a lovely woman named Deb, and told me they couldn't find a pulse. Did you hear me scream? I think everyone on the 10Th floor heard me scream. It made my ears ring. You always said I was too loud, I'm sure you did hear me. Then I ran past Dr Christensen, and ran full speed down the hallway...I didn't even hurt my shins! I forced my way into the hospital room and was at your side. I held your hand, I kissed you, I loved on you as they performed CPR on you. You were turning blue at this point, but I know you heard me talking to you.

Do you remember me telling you how much I love you? How much of a good daddy and husband you were? How you were my best friend? How I would love you forever and always?

Dr Christensen was standing at your head, and I to your left, holding your hand. He came to stand beside me, hugging me, and telling me that they could put you on life support, but that you wouldn't wake up. That you would be a vegetable for the rest of your life because you had been without oxygen for almost 40 minutes at that point. Did you hear that? Did you hear me yell at the doctors that I wasn't a widow? That I was too young to be a widow? That this wasn't happening to me? Did you hear me say that it was OK to stop the CPR, and that I knew you wouldn't want to be a vegetable? Do you know how hard it was for me to say that? To have to know I was saying goodbye to the man I loved? I broke away from the doctor, and went to talk to you again, telling you over and over and over how much I love you, how much the kids love you, how much of a good father you have been, how much of a wonderful husband you have been. How you were my best friend, and I thanked you for sacrificing everything for us. I kissed you and hugged you.

And then they called the time of death and stopped CPR. I was there with you and said goodbye.

Everyone cleared out of the room, the nurses took me to a private room where I was able to call Lisa and Sara to be with me. I don't think I could ever thank them enough for what they did for me. About an hour and a half after you passed, I was allowed to go back into your room to say my final goodbyes. I half layed on the hospital bed beside you, Lisa and Sara put your left arm around me and helped you to hug me. They leaned on my back and just hugged me, as I hugged you. Again I said goodbye, saying all those things I said before. And to tell you again, You were my best friend Barry, I love you more than anything. I will never stop loving you for the rest of my life. I appreciate everything you ever did for us, sacrificing our family time so that you could provide for us. You were the best husband I could have asked for, the very best man I could have ever asked to spend my life with. Our children couldn't have been given a better daddy, you were the best ever!

I had Lisa and Sara leave for about 15 minutes or so, so I could be with you by myself for awhile. You know, I clipped some of your chest hair? I have it saved away. I always loved running my fingers through it. I kissed your lips, I marveled at the fact that parts of you were still warm, and I couldn't stop touching you. I just loved on you.

Telling our kids that daddy died has got to be the HARDEST thing I have ever done in my life. They miss you so much, and they've been having a hard time. A especially because she just doesn't get it. I don't know how I can explain to her how you are never coming back. I've tried, and I think maybe she is starting to understand, but she always says she misses you. We all miss you. We all love you. We're starting family counselling on the 12th, its geared especially towards families and kids that have lost someone like we have. And I am going to a grief support group starting in January, my good friend Rebecca, whom you never got to meet, is going to watch A for me once a week when I go. I think it will be good for me.

I think you would be so proud of me for how I have handled everything this past month. I've been so strong, despite the fact that my heart is breaking. I've done more paperwork than I could have ever imagined, I took care of your trip packs, I did all the insurance paperwork, I took care of the funeral arrangements. I've really stepped up and I know you always wanted me to make something of myself, and I have really taken the first steps towards that. I'm even thinking of writing a book! Everyone has told me how well I can write, I never knew that! It was always you who had that talent in our family. I respond by saying how sad it is that such a tragedy had to happen to make the words flow. But I can do it, and I am good at it!

People have blessed the kids and I considerably. With food, monetary donations, and cards, and love, and friendship. More than I could ever have asked for. And you have blessed us too Barry. I know we didn't expect that life insurance to ever have to be used, but thank you for that. Thank you so very very much for getting that, and seeing to provide for the kids and I after you passed.

I still sleep with your t-shirt under my pillow, and your pillow between my knees. Once in awhile I will wear it, and also wear your deodorant to bed, so the shirt smells like you. I cleaned out your truck, and guess what I found? Your black beanie cap! You also left me close to $80 in change!!! Mike always said you were bad for that, and was he ever right! Doug and Dusty came to your funeral, did you know that? And Jeff N came to pick up your truck shortly after that. it was so hard to see it being driven away, I recorded it with my blackberry, and had Jeff pull the air horn a few times so we could hear it.

At your funeral, did you hear the songs that I picked? I went through your iTunes on your (now my) lap top, and picked the top 4 songs I knew you liked. I know the two you wanted the most, Mars for when the service was starting, and O Fortuna for when it was ending and you were being taken out. You told me you wanted that, and I did it for you baby. I'm glad we were able to talk about that over the years, because it made me so happy to be able to do that for you. And O Fortuna, Barry that is YOUR song! When Mom, Maegen and I were going through the songs, we started laughing when I played it for them. It's so pompous, arrogant...it's you! It is the epitome of you, and I love you for that.

Barry, I love you. You are, and always will be, the man of my dreams. I have loved you since I was 18 years old! The 10 years that we were married, and the 11 that we knew each other were the best of my life. You gave me the best decade of my life! You were my first love, my first everything, and I will never forget you. I could write so much more, but my fingers are getting sore, and I will leave more for another day.

If I could ask you one more question, one last request of you, could you please come visit me in my dreams? I miss you, and I so desperately want to dream of you. To see you in the flesh, to touch you, to hear your voice telling me you love me.

Goodbye for now!

I love you Sexy Man!

Love, Me
xoxoxoxp

p.s. I finally bought that camera. haha :o)