Sunday, February 28, 2010

Dear Barry

Dear Barry,

Well it's time again for me to write you another letter. I've been missing you a lot lately, so I wanted to write you to give you a heads up on our lives back here at home.

Almost everything is done with the house! I'm just waiting on them to do a bit of painting, and fix a few minor flaws. They're also going to install a sump pump because we had a few water issues after all the rain. The fridge has yet to be delivered, but they have till closing to do that, and then the blinds have to be installed. I picked wood composite blinds instead of the wood ones like we had in Shelton. I went that route because the slats were bigger, haha, and picked the same color we had in Shelton too. I'm really happy with my choices and can't wait to see it installed.

I have pretty much bought all the furniture too! All that is left to get is a new desk, some storage units for the girls, the piano and some random minor kitchen things like new dishes. When I went to go pick out the furniture, I had all these ideas in my mind of what I wanted to get. In fact, it was more along the lines of what we would have picked together. Barry, I just couldn't do it. I couldn't. I did everything completely opposite of what we would have done, but I LOVE the color scheme I picked out, and every piece I picked out was painstakingly agonized over. Almost everything in that house will be new, furniture wise that is. We're keeping the table that you and M built even though it doesn't match my new cabinets, simply because you both built it together. Moving day should be April 2nd, and the furniture and mattresses are being delivered on the 30th, 31st and 3d.

Guess what I did the other night? I went to a movie by myself!!! I had Marni come over and babysit the kids, and I went to the theater. Guess what movie I saw? THE WOLFMAN!!! Bwahahahahaha. Remember when we saw the preview last summer? I don't remember if it was when we saw Harry Potter or Inglourious Basterds, but when I saw the preview, I remember leaning over to you and excitedly whispering "Let's go see that!!!, it looks awesome!!", but you REFUSED. You adamantly refused and I laughed. I still wanted to go see it though. And it was awesome, such a great movie. I thoroughly enjoyed going to a movie by myself, and I think I will do it often. I thought of you as I was watching the movie, and knew you would have been scared shit less hahaha, or run out like a screaming little girl. Kevin and I had a good laugh about it on facebook too. You and your fear of Werewolves...such an unexpected fear from such a big tough guy ;o) One of the many quirks about you that I loved....loved making fun of!

I read "The Road"! I really enjoyed it actually. It was a fantastic were right about that. I am looking forward to seeing the movie. I also finished reading "The Lost Symbol", and I was very disappointed with the ending. "The Bible"? ugh what a cop out! I don't remember what your thoughts were on the book, but I hated the ending.

I put all your pictures away. I just can't look at you no matter how much I want to. It hurts me too much to see your handsome face, and blue blue eyes staring out at me. You're like a dream to me. Though we spent 11 years together, that life we had together, it doesn't seem real. Looking at pictures hurts my heart, reminds me of a life I once had and can never have again. I'm not ready to look at you yet, and I thought I was. I hope you can understand, I'm just not ready honey. I just can't. I still love you, and I always will.

I still don't think I've accepted the fact that you're gone. Yes, I know you are, but it still doesn't seem real to me. How is that possible? I need to go see a counselor, but I am waiting till after we move. I'm having separation anxiety, and struggling so very very much with not being able to talk to you every day. Yes, we're almost five months in, and I am still having trouble with it.

Barry, I'm scared to move without you. I'm scared to leave this house that we lived in with you. I sometimes wonder if I should have waited to move us, but whats done is done. I'm hoping that moving will help us move on a bit. The kids are doing so much better than I am...they're used to you being gone because that's all they knew. I'm used to you being gone, but I'm not used to your voice not being in my ear. I need a fresh start to help me heal, I don't think I can heal living in this house with constant reminders of you everywhere I turn. Everything has a touch of you. Everything from the blue dishes we bought at the PX, to "The Dragon", to the couch, to your pillow between my knees each night.

My throat is getting tight, and my eyes are squinting to keep the tears in as I write this. I don't want to cry right now, so I am going to end this now.

I'll love you forever and always,



P.S....think of me tomorrow as I get my Wisdom teeth taken out. I'm a little scared, so I'm being put out completely. I wish you were there to help me with everything, but I am so thankful for Sara and Monica who are going to help me out.

1 comment:

Chrissy said...

I definitely know what u are going thru... I applaud u in going to a movie solo... I still can't seem to do that.. Even before I was married I never could do that!..My kids can, call me chicken...Since my husband and I never had a lot of pics out showing us it didn't seem to bother me.. I do have a few out because I remember the times when they were taken... Very significant times... After 4 years I put his urn away, just did it... It seems the cloud (grief)goes away around the 4 1/2 yr. mark.. I've heard that from friends that were in my shoes... and that is not a bad thing, its good, the fact that u can move on... because u know we would get hell from that loved one to move on...You will get thru this believe me...