Tuesday, February 02, 2010

A Day of "Goings Wrong"

It seems like nothing has gone right today. Everything has reminded me of Barry. EVERYTHING. And I'm tired of it, I am so tired.

It started last night when I was looking at some pictures of the day after the funeral. I wanted to see what I looked like before I lost all this weight. He isn't in any of those photos, obviously, its just us Benders and my family. But as I gazed upon myself and my family, seeing us all smiling, I wondered "HOW did I do that? How was I smiling when my heart was still breaking?". I don't know how I did it then, how I put on a happy face when inside I was, and still am, broken. Even now I am astonished that I can smile. I amaze myself sometimes.

As I started crying last night at the computer, I didn't notice that Braddock had come to lay beside me. Through the tears that were clouding my vision, I happened to glance down and see the beast laying beside me. I reached out my hand and started petting his ears, and he put his head on my leg and started loving on me. And as I cried harder, all he did was love me more.

Isn't it amazing how animals just sense it? They know when you need them. I feel so sad for Braddock too, he misses Barry too, I know it.

Today I skipped MOPS because it was the Valentines day one. I know I couldn't handle talking about love and marriage, I didnt want to even put myself in that position. But I missed going, I look forward to it all the time. I just couldn't today.

Then today while I was heading out to run errands, I happened to glance at The Boy's student of the week form that he had filled out.

On it he listed "My Father" as the person who he admires.

Instant tears.

I got home and I had a voice mail. But it wasn't a good one. It was the kids' health insurance company calling to REMIND ME TO VACCINATE THEM AGAINST H1N1! Well here's a big FUCK YOU to Molina health care for reminding me YET AGAIN that my husband is DEAD because of H1N1. I almost wish I had been home when the call came and that it was a real person on the other end, so that I could have been an uber bitch to them.

I've cried a lot today. I know I will cry later because I have to prepare my "Barry Presentation" for Grief Works tomorrow. I don't even know if I am going to bother writing anything down. I might take the stuff I wrote for his funeral, I just don't think I could handle writing something new. And thankfully I still have the picture board I made for the funeral, I never took that apart. I have a few mementos I will take too.

Tomorrow I will cry too. A Lot.

Why is it when I feel I am doing ok, that it hits me all again? It has been almost 4 months now, and I am starting to feel the desperation that I felt at the beginning. A feeling of being lost, of being empty, of hopelessness. I thought it was supposed to get better with time, and not worse. Seems like it will NEVER get better.

I am just filled with unmeasurable sadness.

2 comments:

Mom to Cat said...

(((hugs)))

Remember it is okay cry, it is not still crying because it has only been 4 months...just a drop in the bucket as to how much time you spent with each other whether that be texting, calling, email ect!

Time will heal...take the time and continue to be the fantastic mother and women you are

Jenn said...

{{HUGS}} I can not even start to imagine what you are going through, I lost a son but can't fathom losing my husband. Just remember grief is a cycle and we will always have moments that push us backwards on the cycle. I does get easier, just takes time. Hang in there you are one strong mama!!