A River of Tears

In the last 4 months and 10 days I feel like I have cried enough to fill a river.

There have been different tears at different times, but they all come from grief.

Tears the first night, when I woke up at 5AM on October 11th, from pure grief and exhaustion. I woke myself up by crying in my sleep, just laying there in my bed, wrapped in Barry's t-shirt, my head on his pillow and sobbing to myself as I laid there.

Tears the first whole month because I just didn't know what to do.

Tears on October 21st when Kiro 7 came to interview me

I don't even remember if I cried at the hospital. I am sure I did, but my body was running on such adrenaline that I don't remember much. I remember yelling and screaming. I have used tissues that I kept to prove that I cried, but I don't remember crying.

Tears of sorrow last night as I started packing. Never did I know how emotional it would be. I picked up a box from the pile I got at Border's, taped up the bottom, and grabbed the first book from the shelf.

Instant tears.

I really did not know that the emotions would hit me as they did last night, but I could not stop crying as I filled that box up. Then the next, and the next, and the next. I packed five boxes last night crying the entire time. I am excited to move into our new house, but sad because we are leaving this home we had with Barry.

I cried as I found pictures of Barry as a child that I forgot I had. I cried as I looked through each one. Our son looks so much like his daddy, and I cried about that too.

I cried as I found a birthday card I had written him for his 26th birthday, and one he had written for me too, for what I am guessing was that same year.

Sobs of pure grief poured out of me. Tears even now roll down my cheeks as I write this post.

I think it might finally be hitting me. My tears seem different now. They are so much more full of sorrow than they were before. Is this what grief is? I thought I had experienced it all already. Perhaps not.