Saturday, February 20, 2010

A River of Tears

In the last 4 months and 10 days I feel like I have cried enough to fill a river.

There have been different tears at different times, but they all come from grief.

Tears the first night, when I woke up at 5AM on October 11th, from pure grief and exhaustion. I woke myself up by crying in my sleep, just laying there in my bed, wrapped in Barry's t-shirt, my head on his pillow and sobbing to myself as I laid there.

Tears the first whole month because I just didn't know what to do.

Tears on October 21st when Kiro 7 came to interview me

I don't even remember if I cried at the hospital. I am sure I did, but my body was running on such adrenaline that I don't remember much. I remember yelling and screaming. I have used tissues that I kept to prove that I cried, but I don't remember crying.

Tears of sorrow last night as I started packing. Never did I know how emotional it would be. I picked up a box from the pile I got at Border's, taped up the bottom, and grabbed the first book from the shelf.

Instant tears.

I really did not know that the emotions would hit me as they did last night, but I could not stop crying as I filled that box up. Then the next, and the next, and the next. I packed five boxes last night crying the entire time. I am excited to move into our new house, but sad because we are leaving this home we had with Barry.

I cried as I found pictures of Barry as a child that I forgot I had. I cried as I looked through each one. Our son looks so much like his daddy, and I cried about that too.

I cried as I found a birthday card I had written him for his 26th birthday, and one he had written for me too, for what I am guessing was that same year.

Sobs of pure grief poured out of me. Tears even now roll down my cheeks as I write this post.

I think it might finally be hitting me. My tears seem different now. They are so much more full of sorrow than they were before. Is this what grief is? I thought I had experienced it all already. Perhaps not.


CMS said...

Yep, that is grief. I know your heart is filled with sadness, it will get harder and easier depending on what you are doing and thinking about. You are so amazing though. Such a truly beautiful person. I LOVE your new house. What an amazing and beautiful new start for you and the children.

Baldric said...

For me grief is like floating in an ocean. Your lifebelt is keeping you afloat but the waves of grief crash over your head and you feel like you'll drown. But the ocean becomes calmer with time, and you get better at keeping your head above water although sometimes when you least expect it a rogue wave sneaks up on you from behind. It's tough, but how much worse to not feel the grief.
Incidentally, while reading one of your earlier posts I was struck by the time of your husband's passing. Those who know about such things will tell you that 11:11am is a special time, a time for wishes, specifically a time when angels are watching.
Thank you for sharing. I think you will be fine, in time.