The Twins will be 9 on Monday. 9 years old already, I can't believe it.
While I was out today, I stopped by Target to get a few things. I realized then that I had to get the presents today, or else I'm screwed. We have a busy weekend ahead of us. I was all ready to check out, with my cart full of presents, power ade and other random useless crap you always pick up at Target, when I realized I had forgotten to get the twins their birthday cards. I will be honest, and admit that I forgot their birthday was coming up until they reminded me early this week. How could I forget? Easily enough, we've been so wrapped up with everything else that I plum forgot until they reminded me.
I ran over to the card section, and picked out two plain Jane cards for 9 year olds. I put them back though, because I felt they weren't personal enough. In the aisle with me was a woman who was the card vendor, and I asked her where the cards were from "Mommy and Daddy", she pointed me in the right direction, and I just couldn't buy a card from "Mommy and Daddy". It was too hard. I picked up a card for each of them, that was "for my son/daughter love mom".
And wouldn't you know, I started sobbing in the card aisle. Right in the middle of target, I was crying because of birthday cards. I was crying because of Barry dying. I was crying because I was thinking I couldn't sign the cards "Love Mommy and Daddy" anymore. I still will though, I will ALWAYS sign the cards that way, no matter what type of card it is.
I think that Monday will be a hard day, it will be the very first birthday we are celebrating without Barry. He died the day of E's 7th birthday party, but he was still alive on her birthday. He even wrote in her birthday card, "Happy Birthday Sweetheart, Love Daddy". I insisted he do that the day he was extubated, because we knew he would not be present at her birthday party. Barry wasn't always present at the kids' birthdays, he missed occasional birthdays and parties because of his work schedule. We tried to avoid it as much as possible, but sometimes it was inevitable.
I am sad that we actually have to celebrate this first birthday without him. It's not like he's working, he's actually DEAD. Why? I am overwhelmed to be completely honest. I don't know how I will handle the party. I might have to ask a couple of the moms to stay and help, because I have never done a big party like this without him. Last year we did a combined birthday for the twins at a local bowling alley, but he was there to help.
This year I decided that all the kids would have awesome birthday parties. I booked the twins' at a local gymnastics gym, and we'll have close to 20 kids there I think? If all the kids invited come, then we will have 22 with all of mine! On Monday I am going to take all the kids out to a local pizza buffet we like for dinner, they are stoked and can't wait to go.
Hopefully Monday will be OK for us. I hope we don't cry too much, or that I don't cry too much, remembering with love, the family member that is now missing from our lives on that most important day.