Two Years Ago I Became A Widow

In Loving Memory

March 6th 1980-October 10th 2009

I will forever love you and keep you in my heart.

I'm finally getting around to writing this last post.  I just didn't want to write it at all.  I don't feel like I have anything I need to say to Barry...I think I've said it all a million times over over these last two years.  The time has come to say goodbye to this blog, and continue with my new one. Thank you to everyone for being such wonderful readers, and supporting me even if you didn't comment.  This blog has been such a big part of my life for over 3 years, and even more so now because it has become my outlet for my grieving.  I am ready to move on, so please come with me as I continue this journey.    If you email me then I will reply to you and give you my new blog address.  I post on there much more regularly than this one.  I have to say, I am a little sad to close this chapter in my life, but I am ready, and it is time.  

I will miss this blog and all of you.

Much love,

Joanna  

Blast From The Past...October 9th 2009

I don't have much to say today...I'd just rather avoid what today was, and that was the last full day my husband was alive two years ago.  Less than 24 hours after I originally posted this, I was a widow.  more like 18 hours.  I had no idea what was to become my life...

Friday, October 09, 2009

Good News!!!

Today my husband was released from the ICU/CCU into a regular room. I was able to help him move, which was really nice as I got to say goodbye to all the nurses and the RT's. I plan to send them a thank you note, as they really helped me out this week.
We expect him to be released monday or tuesday morning! Isn't that great news? He's on antibiotics intravenously, but tomorrow they are going to try tablet form. And his O2 levels arent' quite good yet, so that is why he's staying a few more days.
He was very alert this morning and finally recognized me and was able to to hold a conversation. I am thankful for that, because as the morning went by, he got really cranky, rude, belligerent etc etc. It was really really hard for me to be pleasant with him because of his attitude. I think he was still very confused because of all the sedatives he had been on for so long. He even told me he didn't want me to come visit again.
Then I decided it was time for me to leave before I got too frustrated with him, and the situation got worse.
Today there was a thing going on at the kids' school, so I thought I could go to that before going home, but figured I'd just take time to myself. My mom was there with them, so I figured they would be ok without me. I went to McDonald's and had a hamburger and fries and sat and read my book for a while. I then headed across the street to Safeway and did some grocery shopping for the next couple days. It was so refreshing to get some time alone.I was able to get a hold of him later on after he had eaten and taken a little nap, and he was much more pleasant. I'm going to go visit himfor a while tonight, and then tomorrow morning. Today has been one of the worst days for me, apart from Tuesday, because I was just hoping that he would be nicer. I was sad that he was so irritable. I've spent so much time at the hospital, 8+ hours a day when he was on the respirator, and it was so much easier to deal with him. I could wash him up, rub his feet, talk to him, help the nurses etc etc. Now I feel like I'm not needed anymore and he doesn't want me there.
I'm just happy that we're almost done with this. Hopefully he will get back to his old self really soon because I just don't know how much more of this I can handle.
I also want to say how thankful I am for the outpouring of support I have received. Especially from some of my friends, my meetup group and the kids' school. They have really blessed us and I don't think I could say thank you enough. I have received some gift cards for meals, and I have meals being delivered next week as well. It is such a relief not to have to worry about meals for the next week. Thank you everyone for helping!

Blast From The Past...October 8th 2009

Today was our daughter's 9th Birthday.  My mom was here again, like she was two years ago, and we threw an amazing party for her.  And I am so exhausted!  My feet hurt from barely sitting down all day.  I'm seriously pooped.

Two years ago today, Barry was extubated.  I remember that day, he was a surly grouch.  Called me some choice names, and himself the Master of The Universe!

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Some News

sorry if this is just one liners and not complete paragraphs. Today has just been so exhausting for me.
Called the ICU this morning to make sure it was ok to visit, so I did and went at about 9:30. Stayed till 1:30. They kept checking his blood gas and O2 levels to see any improvement and there was some.
The nurse told me he wasn't ready to come off the vent, but then the RT (Respitory Therapist) said that the Dr had ordered a "test", so technically he had been off the vent from 8AM and was doing all the breathing on his own. That was great! Also, on the vent his O2 levels had been brought down to 40%, which is what they wanted him to beable to maintain.
So, Dr comes around again and tells us at noon or so they can try to extubate him. They did, everything went ok and he's been off the vent since noon today, so almost 12 hours.
He is taking a really, really, really long time to come around. He was very confused today. And very feisty. And EXTREMELY surly. I finally had to leave at 1:30 because his attitude was just too much for me. To give you an example, when I asked him what my name was, he called me Bitch. lol. It doesnt bother me, I thought it quite comical. When they took out his Art line (artery line), Colleen, his nurse, was holding his wrist really really tightly to get him to clot because it was in an artery. So he told her to stop squeezing him so hard or he'd break her arm. Oh, and the language we heard was quite colorful, to say the least. See the surliness? that's quite normal apparently.
One funny thing was that when I asked him what his name was, he said in a drunken voice, "Master Of The Universe". HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I'm still laughing at that one.
So I went home and came back about 6 hours later, and just got home again. I spent about 7-8 hours at the hospital today. I would have stayed longer today, but he was still just exhausted and not really making much sense, so I figured I'd just go home.
The RT was there tonight (there is a new one every day it seems) and as I was leaving, she told me she was going to put a Bpap or Cpap, one of those two on him, to help him sleep. He might have some sleep apnea, and they just want him to get a good sleep. He's seriously been sleeping for almost 12 hours straight not being on any sedation. But he sleeps like that all the time anyway, and will sleep for a day if you let him.
Don't give me any crap for saying this, but the sound of him snoring was so annoying. It was much quieter with him on the vent. And it doesn't help that his attitude wasn't very good either, so even though I do know he can't help it, I was still slightly annoyed.
Tomorrow should be better, and he'll be more alert. Looks like he'll still be in the ICU/CCU for another day or even more. There are no empty beds upstairs and they will just keep him where he's at.
Oh, and his O2 levels are ok, but not superb yet, so he still has a lot of recovery time ahead of him. At least he is breathing room air though.
So that's my update! Now to go to bed and get some sleep myself. IN the morning mom and I are heading to JoAnn to get my sewing machine, and then I'll head back to the hospital to hopefully find a more awake and cheerful husband.

Blast From The Past...October 6th 2009

I fucking hate reading this stuff.  But here you go, for your reading pleasure...the THREE posts that I wrote on October 6th 2009

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

so here I sit

I'm home for a short while while my husband is being taken care of.

I got the call this morning from the doctor that he was being transferred to the CCU, Critical Care Unit, because he wasn't getting better. I then called the nurse in the CCU who told me to come as soon as I could. They took blood from his artery and his O2 stats were 50%. Then they put him on the CPAP, which is 100% O2 and his levels only went to 69%.

When I got there, I got a glimpse of him through the glass door of his room and just lost it. He had a whole big plastic mask on his face. I waited till the nurse brought me a mask to wear to go in.

I was able to talk to him for a short time and then all these people started coming in, and I heard the word Anesthesiologist.

As you can probably guess, he is now intubated. He is on a respirator that is helping him breathe. They had me leave for 1.5 hours while they got him taken care of. When I came back, they were still working on him, and I only had time to gather a few of his possessions like his computer etc. I'm at home right now because I just couldn't take it anymore. So I'm here for lunch, and my sister is talking to me on the phone. I had to call her because the silence here is deafening. Our youngest daughter is at my friend's house and I just didn't feel like picking her up. I'm going back to the hospital in another hour or so, and then I'll do my best to be home by the time the kids get off the bus.

Thank goodness for friends. A friend from our old city is bringing us dinner tonight. Another friend is watching our daughter while I am at the hospital. And tomorrow my mom comes.

I don't want to admit it, but I am so fucking scared I will lose my best friend. Scared to pieces. How do I keep it together for my kids when I am broken inside?

I have the weight of the world on my shoulders right now. I have to find out a way to fill out his trip packs for work. I have to call his school somehow and figure out what to do for that. I have to figure out what to do about financial issues. He's going to be in the hospital for up to 10 days. And let me say this...I am so thankful for life insurance. No one wants to think about it, but do you know how relieved I am to know that the kids and I will be taken care of if something happens?

My poor husband has been working on his beard for years, it is his pride and joy. And they shaved it off. he looks like a bald bowling ball.

I love this man so much and it just breaks my heart to see him like this. How do I keep it together when I am so scared and worried? I am trying to make life as normal as possible for the kids,. Today was pajama day at school, and I let them do that. Our daughter's birthday is on Thursday, and i am making her cupcakes. Saturday is her party, and my mom will be here so we are still going to have fun. I ordered her cake yesterday, and we're going to go have fun at Glow Golf in our mall.

My tummy is rumbling and I need to eat something even though I don't want to. I just have no appetite.

Please keep us in your thoughts, prayers, whatever it is you do. I appreciate any and all of that.

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Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Tuesday PM Update

I went back to the hospital this afternoon after I made myself eat something.
I sat with him for a couple hours, made a few phone calls etc etc. I got some sort of response from him, he squeezed my hands a couple times. But he is completely unconscious, so it could just be reflexes. Either way, it gave me comfort.

The Doctor said he most likely got a staph infection in his lungs, and these infections typically get worse before they get better. He will be on the respirator for a few days as well.

I know he knows I am there, even if he doesn't know that he knows. I just know. I was able to calm him down a few times when his blood pressure went up just by talking to him and soothing him

I sit and talk to him, I joke around and say silly things. I taped up all the pictures and cards the kids made for him on his wall. His nurse Rick is really funny,and he and I were making jokes about him. He had his beard shaved off, so now he looks like a bald bowling ball, lol. He has a big head, which is why I say that, and he also shaves his head. Tonight I am going to visit again for an hour or so after the kids go to bed, and my friend Sara is watching them while they sleep. I am going to cut his toe nails, LOL, he never got around to it for a couple weeks, and I joked to Rick that I should paint his nails. I don't think I will, but I will give him a nice pedicure.

I wonder if he can hear me, and is thinking up all these smart ass remarks to give me once he wakes up again. I tease him and tell funny things about him to the nurses and the doctor, so I might be in for it when he wakes up.

Until later....

Oh, and thank you to everyone for your well wishes and thoughts. I appreciate it so much.

Oh, and I haven't gotten a chance to do this, but I want to thank all my friends/acquaintances that have passed on their help, offered dinners for us, their well wishes. I will be sending out quite a few thank you cards I think.

One other thing I forgot...
I had to take his phone and computer home with me, and while looking on his phone this afternoon for some info, something made my heart skip a beat. I dont know why I didnt notice this before. A couple weeks ago I took a photo of the sunrise that turned out really neat. He never said anythign to me about it, but guess what was on the background for his blackberry? Do you know how good that made me feel? It was like an invisible hug and love from my husband. I just was so shocked to see that. I love that man.

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Tuesday, October 06, 2009

And yet, another update

Thanks to my wonderful friend and neighbor Sara, I was able to visit him this evening for a couple hours.

First off, let me say how much those hospital masks SUCK! Seriously, my face is numb from the foam in them. It's so freakin uncomfortable.

Secondly, I did NOT know this, but the CCU is the same as ICU. So for those wondering, he is in the ICU.

Ok, so, I got there shortly after 9PM tonight and they were examining his air way. They haven't been able to get in a feeding tube , and will be doing it by Xray tonight. Probably now actually, now that I am gone.

There is no change right now in his condition. I can't really even pretend to understand all that medical mumbo jumbo. All I know is that he is on 70% pure O2 with the Respirator right now. There is blood in his lungs from the bad infection too. He needs to be able to maintain 50% on his own. I guess how they do that is wait till they see some form of improvement and once he gets somewhat better, then they can turn the respirator down and let his lungs do most of the work. But honestly, I couldn't even understand that. I don't know what his levels have to be, what they're at. Whats best for him right now is to be on the respirator and to let his body get healthy.

Tonight was a good visit though, he was lucid and partially awake when I went in there, meaning he was responsive to me. They actually turned down the sedation a bit. When I got there he was a bit agitated from the nurses poking and prodding him, and once they stepped back, i went up to him and held his hand. He looked me in the eyes, which was great. And yes, he did recognize me. A wife knows, we just know. I was really happy to see that. I asked him a few minutes later if he was able to hear me talking smack about him with Rick today, and he shook his head no. I also got a couple hand squeezes from him, and some eyebrow wiggles or whatever you call them. He couldn't open his eyes, but wiggled his eyebrows at me.

I went in tonight armed with nail clippers and foot lotion for him. I gave him a nice trim, lol, and a good foot massage too. Afterwards I was trying to exercise his legs for a bit, but he did NOT like that at all, and pushed against my hand and wiggled his toes. So I stopped.

The rest of the night, I talked about anything and everything. I also had brought some trivial pursuit cards because we like that game, and asked him the questions and then answered them for him ;o)

Tomorrow it looks like I won't be able to visit for awhile. I have a dental appointment in the morning to get a couple broken fillings fixed, and then Sara will be watching our youngest for me. But since she has somewhere to be, then I will most likely just come straight home and go visit him once my mom gets here. At least with mom coming, I dont have to worry about how long I stay. And then I can also come late at night after the kids are in bed too, like I did tonight.

I've got so much responsibility right now, I just don't know what to do about all that. I've got the work thing figured out, I am going to call in the morning and get it taken care of. The school I have to call too, but I did leave a message for his advisors to call me or vice versa. Honestly, the most pressing issue for me is the financial one. I don't know what we're going to do financially. I don'tknow how to pay bills if there is no money coming in, and that really worries me. He could be in the hospital for a couple weeks, and then he will need a bit of recuperating time at home, so what do we do? I know I can put off the bills for a little while, but what about groceries? gas? And those bills that HAVE to be paid like credit cards and insurance? can't miss those. I hate that money has to be the one issue I worry about, but it is a true worry. Me getting a job is not going to help things, so please don't even suggest that. I'd have to pay for day care, and for what...a month? just get a job for a month? I don't even think we could go on TANF/welfare for a month.

On a lighter note, if you want to call it that, I am amazed at the strength I have been able to pull from places I never knew existed. From this morning, I am a completely different person. I took care of things I never thought I could do, and I am proud of myself for that. But I wouldn't have been able to do this without the help and support of my friends and family. Mom, Maegen, Sara, Lisa, Angela, Janelle...anyone who has talked to or seen me today, they have just been an incredible support. And if you know me and can help next week with childcare, please please let me know. Sara has to go back to work on Thursday. starting Monday it will be just myself, and I can't not visit him. I know I have a couple ladies lined up that are willing to watch our youngest, but I just need more options. Even if you came to the house after they went to bed and sat for a couple hours while I visited. Anything. I'll even drive our youngest to your house during the day! I just wish I was able to visit him more often next week. I will only have the mornings though as it is conference week and the kids have early release and get home at 1PM.

I am physically and mentally and emotionally exhausted right now. I need to get a good nights sleep. Thankfully tomorrow is late start day, and the kids don't need to be on the bus till 9:30, so we can sleep in a little bit. I might give myself till 7:30 unless the nurses call me and pass on information.

Please keep us in your thoughts and hope that something improves. Again, I will update as I can.

Blast From The Past...October 5th 2009

I thought that leading up to the 10th, I would re-post my blogs from two years ago.  So without further ado, here is today's post from two years ago.  The day he was admitted to the hospital.

Please Keep Us In Your Thoughts

It is painful to read these.  I am having such a hard time right now, even more so than I did last year.  I've been crying at the drop of a hat, been very emotional.  Barry's death feels to me like it was just yesterday, and the pain is fresh.  The 2nd anniversary really is worse than the 1st.  I thought that wasn't true for me, thought I would escape it, but I was wrong.

It feels like it just happened yesterday.  The only difference is that I know how to cope with the grief now.  And I just let it wash over me.  I let those tears spill out of my eyes, let the sobs wrack my shoulders, and deal with the grief headache that ensues.

I miss him so much.

One More Milestone, Come and Gone

Today marked A's first day of kindergarten!!

I had mixed emotions the whole day because I just wasn't sure what all this would bring, what emotions I would feel, would I cry or not.  And the truth is, it was a little hard for me, and I did cry a little bit this morning.  But she did SO well, and she absolutely LOVED it.  I am incredibly glad that it went well for her.

A is my baby, and I always knew this day would be hard because I'd be essentially sending her off into the world.  As we drove to school, I told her how much I would miss her, and she told me she didn't want me to cry.  But I did a little bit as I said goodbye to her at school.  I missed her.  She has been my little sidekick since she was born, and has spent the most time with me by herself than any of the other kids did.  I took loads of pictures of her at school, and of all the kids this morning, as is tradition in this house!

What really bothered me is that Barry missed this.  One more milestone, come and gone without him.  It hurts, and it stings to see the other dads there with their wives, picking up the kids or dropping them off for their first day.  I wish I could take that away from her.  I did tell her however, that daddy would be SO proud of her, and that he was in her heart today with her as she started school (2nd time that my eyes welled up today!).  He would have loved to be there for her...It just breaks my heart that he missed such an important day for her.

And as I type this, I find my eyes welling up again, for the fourth time today actually.  Wishing so badly I could tell Barry about her first day of school, send him the pictures.  Tell him that the twins are in 5th grade!!! FIFTH GRADE already!! That just blows my mind...and E already in 4th.   That three of our children are the tallest in their classes, and quite possibly grades too.  He would be beaming from ear to ear, he loved our kids so much.

I just wish I could tell him.

12 Years Ago

Twelve years ago today, a very nervous, and much skinnier Joanna, waited in front of The Empress hotel in Victoria, BC, for a young man she had known for 9 months and never seen a picture of.

Twelve years ago, Barry and I met in person for the very first time after talking for nine months via phone, email, and yahoo messenger.  I fell in love with him before I even met him, and vice versa.   I knew that even if he was a total toad, I couldn't ever say no to him, I wanted to marry him that bad.

Twelve years ago today, at 6PM, Barry proposed to me.  He proposed the day we met in person.  And we were married three months later.

I can't believe it has been 12 years since August 28th, 1999.  It seems like a lifetime ago.  I've always wanted to go back to the place where we were engaged, but haven't been able to do so.  Partly due to the fact that it's in Canada, and a pain in the ass to get to Victoria with four kids, but also...because I'm a little scared.  I will go back one day, but I don't know when yet.

I have a picture of Barry and I from the day we got engaged, and I wish I had a way to scan it for you all.  My scanner is acting up and I can't figure out how to work it.

I still can't believe it has been 12 years ago that we met and got engaged.  I miss him so much.  I wish I could hear him tell me how proud he is of me right now, how much he loves me, how awesome I am doing.  But all I can do is hear him in my head.  At least I have that right?  I can hear him talking to him...and while I can't hear his voice very well right now, I know exactly what he'd be saying to me.

I love you Barry.

I forgot

I forgot yesterday was the 10th.

19 months since Barry's passing.

I was already feeling upset last night (for reasons I wont get into on this blog), and when the realization of what I did hit me, I started to sob.  

The thing is, I forgot until it was after midnight, so the whole day passed without me even thinking about it.  Not once did it cross my mind.  I know this is completely normal, and I expected it would happen, but I felt so guilty still.  I felt like I forgot him.

As I lay in bed crying, I so desperately wanted to grab his t-shirt out of my bottom drawer and wrap it around me and fall asleep.  But I didn't because James was right there next to me and I felt guilty about seeking comfort from Barry.

It's hard to choose sometimes, in situations like this.  So I just left the t-shirt in the drawer and pushed the sadness and pain aside and ignored my need for Barry, and didn't go to James either.  

And then I woke up this morning in a sad, foul mood.

So, No More Grief Support

I suppose I realized long ago that we were ready to be done with it, but it wasn't until yesterday that I really felt OK with stopping.

Our last session was actually at the end of January, and I told our group that we would be missing the February 14th session due to it being Valentine's day, and I wanted to spend it with James.  The time after that I had to skip because gas prices were rising, and I couldn't afford it that week.  It is a 45 minute drive for us one way, so that uses up a lot of gas.  The last session we missed was earlier this month, and we were all set to go, but then my son M woke up with a 102 fever that day, so no more grief support.

Yesterday was another session (they run every other week, twice a month), but I was dreading the drive.  I really don't like driving that far on a school night because we don't get home till 9PM, and then the kids still have to shower.  I asked the three older kids why they liked going, and their first answers were because they "like playing in the gym".  That pretty much answered my question on whether or not we should continue.

When I told them that we would be no longer attending after last night, they weren't too terribly upset. My plan was to go so we could say our goodbyes and have one last session.  But then we landed up not going anyway because Kid #3, E, wasn't done her science fair project on time and it was due today.  So we stayed home.

And we're done with it.

And I feel OK.

I actually feel like there is a huge weight off my shoulders because I don't feel obligated to go anymore.  We have been in Grief Support continuously since Barry passed away, so we have gone a LONG time.  It's OK to be relieved to be closing that chapter right? We really do feel OK right now, and we are doing really well.  In two weeks it will be 18 months ago that Barry passed away, and while I feel we really don't need that constant support anymore, I know that there will still be moments of sadness, anger and crying.  And that is OK, I know that.  And I am prepared for the fact that the kids and I may need additional counseling later on in life, but for now we don't need it anymore

We're moving on.

One More Step

Awhile ago, I wrote about what to do with some of the items I had left from Barry and our life together.  Among the items, I had roses from his funeral, roses he gave me, our bed and our Christmas tree.

Today I got rid of the last item, and let me tell you, it felt freeing.

In January, James and I got rid of the bed and the Christmas tree during one of our multiple trips to goodwill.  I did keep the middle finial piece (or however you spell that) from the headboard.  And today I threw the roses away in the trash.  But not before I took some pictures of them as a reminder.

This first bouquet is actually two bouquets of roses that Barry gave me, 

but I don't know how long I've actually had them.  I just couldn't get rid of them 

till now

This last bouquet is roses from the funeral.  My good friend Lisa did the flowers

for me, and I actually had tulips in the arrangement too.  Roses and Tulips because

those were the only flowers he ever bought me. 

I really didn't feel the need to keep the flowers anymore.  They were just sitting in my closet on the top shelf gathering dust.  But you know, I am glad they are gone right now.  I feel a sense of peace about it, like I've taken one more step towards healing.  I don't know that I will ever heal, but I would think it is pretty rare to heal from the death of a spouse anyway.  Regardless, I am glad I did it, and that it was when I felt ready to do so.

Happy Birthday Baby!!

Dearest Barry,

Today is your 31st Birthday.  How I wish you were here to celebrate with us, because you see, today is also a very special day for other reasons; We're having A's 5th birthday party today.  I've done this for two birthdays now, as last year we also had her party on your birthday.  I can't believe she will be 5 on Monday.  Did you know that after you died, I was leaving the hospital with Lisa and I saw a couple come up from Labor and Delivery with a brand new baby.  I remarked to Lisa that the last time I left that hospital with you was when A was born, and that now I was leaving without you for good.  I felt so incredibly heartbroken in that moment; seeing a husband and wife with their brand new baby girl.

I can't believe you are 31 today.  We met when we were 18!! That seems like a lifetime ago, doesn't it? This year would have been our 12th anniversary.  I can't even fathom that anymore, it seems surreal to me, like a dream.  Yesterday when I was baking A's cupcakes, I thought about you because I was making chocolate cupcakes.  Chocolate was always your favorite flavor, and I had half a mind to go buy two more cake mixes and make a giant 13x9" double layer cake like you always would.  And I wanted to cover it in copious amounts of chocolate icing.  I wish I could do that for you.  Instead I made 36 Toy Story 3 Cupcakes.

I don't know what to say, what to write to you right now. Writing to you is cathartic, but I can't do it too often.  That is such a huge change from when we were engaged though, I'd send you pages and pages of letters..and now I struggle to find the words.  They're evading me.

What I do want to tell you is thank you for giving me four awesome children.  Thank you for making me a mommy.  I want to tell you that especially because our baby will be 5 tomorrow.  You are missing so many important milestones already.  She is such a character Barry...she would have you cracking up like crazy.  She is a total goof ball, she still dresses all crazy like and in wild clothing combinations.  She tells jokes all the time, she dances, she sings, she looks like you in some of the pictures of you at age 5 making the same silly faces.  She is her father's daughter in every way.  I can't believe she will be starting kindergarten in September.

Why can't you be here for that? Why did you have to leave us? Why did you have to leave the kids without their daddy? Me without a husband? Why did you have to fuck up our lives so bad? I know its' not your fault, but I'm very upset right now thinking that OUR daughter was just a baby when you died and now she won't hardly remember you.  She's starting kindergarten in 6 months and another man will be there for her first day, and NOT you.  It's not fair, NOT at all.  I want you to be here to see them grow up, see her grow up...to see them turn 13, learn how to drive, graduate high school, university..get married, have babies. I want you to be there to see OUR grandchildren.  And you won't be.  That makes me so mad and angry and sad.

With that, I'm going to end this.  It's time to get ready for the birthday party, and I have lots of stuff to do yet. I love you Barry.  Happy Happy Birthday!! We'll be thinking about you all day today.  We miss you and love you so much.

Forever and always,
Me
xoxoxoxoxp

I'm Scared

Last night when James and I went to bed, I lay there with my mind wandering.  He was laying beside me, and fast asleep, while I was cozy in bed and feeling that warm fuzzy feeling that means sleep is overtaking you.  But I was also thinking about this blog, and that I need to write more often.

One of the things I thought about was that I had to eventually write about the day Barry died.

It's been almost 17 months and I still haven't written it all down.  The awful, heart wrenching, tear filled memories of October 10th 2009.  

As I lay there in bed, I felt sleep slip away from me as my mind filled with the horrible thoughts of that day.  Thinking about how I would write it down in the blog, but also remembering little details like hearing the doctors say they couldn't find a heart rhythm.  And hearing the monitor go flat when they stopped.  Seeing the white patches on his chest from them shocking him.  That's all I can handle writing right now.

Immediately I felt my eyes fill up with tears, and I thought, I can't deal with this right now.  I'm not ready to write about it, I'm not ready to talk about it, I just want to block it from my memory.  Maybe it's different with another "death scenario", with someone who hasn't been by their spouses side as they die, but just heard the news over the phone or some other way.  Someone who hasn't seen the person they love die in their arms in really tragic circumstances.  For me though, it was the very worst day of my life, and I will forever be scarred by those events, memories.  They always will haunt me.

I didn't want to remember anymore last night, I was getting more and more upset with each passing thought, so I reached my hand over and shook James awake.  I asked him to hug me, and he lay there in bed holding me as I collected my thoughts, and calmed down as best as I could.  My heart rate slowed down, I felt more relaxed, and I thanked him for being there for me.  Then I rolled over and read my kindle for a few minutes before I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore.

The truth is, I am scared.  I am so scared to write about that day, and I know I've been avoiding it.  There is no timeline for when I have to do it, I don't ever have to if I don't want to, but I know I should... I just need to remember.  It's the same reason I took pictures of Barry after he passed away.  I have those hidden away on the computer somewhere where I never look at them.  Call it morbid curiosity, but I HAD to do that.  I had to.  And I just have to write about that entire day, and I will some day, but I'm just not ready yet.

I'm scared.

Sixteen Months Later

Sixteen Months Later....

And I still have moments of panic where I feel like my stomach is going to rise up into my throat
I still cry from time to time
I still miss him
I still grieve
I still have to pinch myself and remind myself that this life is real
I still curl up with his t-shirt once in awhile
I still like to read his letters to me and feel him speaking to me

I find myself living with a new man and realizing how wonderful he is and that Barry had to have sent him our way.  He's too great for me to have found on my own.  He and Barry even have a lot of similarities.  I don't feel like getting into them, but I've noticed several.  I have even called James Barry a few times, and have to catch myself before I say all of his name.  The kids have called James "daddy" and "dad" a few times.  We've been very open about this and have told them that they can if they want, but don't have to.  It comes and goes with them, really.  It is hard for me to hear them call him that sometimes though, as it is another reminder of whom we lost.

I've also noticed that I don't feel Barry around as much anymore.  I used to be able to feel that he was around, by orbs in pictures, or just sensing something around me, or the kids even noticing it.  But I think he is here less and less because James is here.  Am I crazy? I really think that he sent James my way because he wanted me to be happy.  I could be totally off my rocker for thinking that, and whether I am right or wrong, I don't care, and I'll just think that James is here because of Barry.  But I still miss Barry, and wish he was around more.

I have thought a few times of his final moments.  What were his final thoughts? Was he scared? Did he think of me? The kids? I wish I could know, but that will be a mystery to me forever.  At least I can be confident and comforted knowing that he died loving me, and knowing he was loved so very very much by me and his children.


One last thing...i know all my images are gone.  Shabby blogs deleted the design I had, and I have yet to fix it.  I'll get on that soon...be patient with me!!

I had an idea, but now it's gone

I had this great idea about what to blog about the other day, and told one of my twitter friends about it, but then I forgot.  Oops.  It was something to do with grief, but I can't for the life of me recall what it was about, so I will share something that happened to me yesterday.

I was at MOPS yesterday for our annual Christmas meeting.  I've been going to this MOPS group for 5 years now! I can't believe it has been that long already, I started going a couple months before A was born in march of 06. The ladies welcomed me right in, and I've been a part of that group ever since.  We have lost some members due to their children being too old, or they moved away, or just decided not to come anymore, but there are still some of us hardcore members from back then that still have younger kids, or have had more kids.  New mom's join every year as they have babies, so the group in itself is pretty awesome, and I am so thankful for it.  My MOPS group has been there for me so much, especially last year when Barry passed and they provided meals for us, helped with funeral arrangements etc etc.

The first sob of the morning happened during our hospitality time, when we did all our hello's, raffles etc. Every month we celebrate anniversaries and birthdays. Well, this December would have been mine and Barry's 11th wedding anniversary.  Two ladies raised their hands because they had anniversaries in this month.  I did not until the last moment.  Then before I could start talking, I started sobbing.  It came out of nowhere. The tears started flowing and all I could manage to choke out was "Oh god" as I was crying.  I managed to calm down a bit, and then said "Barry and I would have had our 11th anniversary this month".  And I cried some more.  I wasn't expecting that to happen at all.  It really is amazing how quickly the tears can come on, with little to no warning at all.

Yesterday before we did our White Elephant gift exchange, we also had a Mentor moms panel where the more experienced older moms talked to us younger moms.  These "older" moms have kids that are usually close to my age or older, so they have been married about 30  years usually.  As they were all talking about marriage, mother hood and all that that entails, I started to get really irritated.  I almost got up and left the room.  I didn't want to be there hearing these women talk about their husbands they had had the pleasure to be married to for 30, 40 years.  Frankly, it PISSED ME OFF.  I was INSANELY jealous, but I managed to hold it together and keep the tears at bay as best as I could.  The last thing they addressed was being a single mom and if they had any tips for single moms.  I kind of had to laugh to myself because they didn't really know how to answer this question. At the end of that session, they asked if anyone had anything to share.  And up went my hand. I talked.  But mostly I cried.

I had noticed one thing these women never mentioned at all was really how to treat their husbands.  So through my big crocodile tears, and snotty nose, and sobs escaping me, I told my story to the mom's that had never heard it.  I explained to them how Barry had died last year because some of the mom's were new and didn't know me last year.  Then I got to the point of what I had to say.  I said two things:

Never ever take your husbands for granted, and always, always say I love you, because you never know when you will have your last moment with them.

And I cried, and cried and cried. I know some of the other women were crying.  Someone gave me tissues, and I got a couple hugs.  It just amazed me that these good Christian women forgot the two most important things.  How could you forget those? They are so vital to a good marriage.  I know that first hand. I am so thankful that Barry died knowing I loved him.  One thing I wish though, is that I could tell him one last time that I loved him.  I did get to say my goodbyes, and I did tell him I loved him as they were doing CPR and I know he heard me, but just to say it to his face as he looks me would make me so happy.  My memories of that morning are foggy because of everything that went on, and I know I told him I loved him when he was still alive, because we ALWAYS were telling each other we loved each other, I just wish I could remember.

We're Back!

I apologize for my absence and lack of writing.

While I thought I would have all the time in the world to blog while we were in Florida, i did not have much time at all.  We were so busy.

We had a wonderful vacation.

two weeks in hot, sunny, Florida.

Walt Disney World, NASA, Gatorland, Cocoa Beach.

Putting my feet in the Atlantic Ocean was one of my highlights, as was seeing Eric, who was Barry's squad Sgt when he was in the Army years ago.

Spending a day with an old friend, and dinner with another who has promised to come visit us next summer from Tampa.

I am tired and exhausted.  I took over 2000 photos.  Probably spent that much money on souvenirs, food, etc etc.

The kids are back in school, tomorrow will be our first normal week back. Back to routines, to schedules, to normalcy.  To rain.

Waking up Thursday morning to a wall of fog outside my window was monumentally depressing, as Wednesday morning I woke up to sun.  Left Orlando and it was 90F outside.  Got home late Wednesday night and it was 60F inside my house.

We've spent the weekend adjusting.  I promise to write more.  soon.

But I am tired, and emotional. Missing Barry so much right now.  Today I took a scalding hot shower and sat on the seat in the shower with the water cascading above me.

The water was so hot it was scalding.  But it felt good as I cried buckets into my hands.

I was sad because I was told I needed to lose more weight.  Yes I know that. But almost 90lbs in one year is pretty fucking amazing.  And even more sad because I know the size I am now Barry would be a total horn dog teenage boy with me. He wouldn't be able to keep his hands off me. But to everyone else I am still fat.

I need to go catch up on Glee from while I was gone, and then off to bed early for me.  I do promise to write soon.

One Year Ago

Ok, let's face it.  Obviously I am in no mood to write right now, or I would have done sooner. Especially since I am leaving this to the last minute, it being 11:30 at night here in Florida.

First things first, we made it into Orlando on time and safely on wednesday morning.  We were able to check into our room early, and have been going full steam since then.  We're having a great time!  Wednesday when we got here, we went swimming in the afternoon, and then had dinner and headed to the Magic Kingdom for a few hours.  Thursday we got up early and went there all day.  We covered half of the park, and went back to the hotel.  Friday we spent at Epcot, and did most everything except Soarin' and Test Track, and Club Cool.  Saturday brought us to Animal Kingdom, where we did everything again, except for the Lion King show which the kids did not want to see. And today the kids and I slept in, ate lunch, went swimming, and back to Epcot for a couple hours.  Missed all three things I mentioned above, but we will hit those up Tuesday early morning.  Tomorrow we are off to Hollywood studios!

Today I felt like a horrible wife and mother, and still feel a bit guilty.  I had plans to do a balloon release with the kids, and also light a candle for Barry that I brought a long, but I forgot to do both of them.  We've been so busy that it completely slipped my mind. So tomorrow, albeit a day late, we will do both.  I dont think Barry would mind, because he would want, no INSIST, that we go out and have fun and not be sad.  And we are, depsite sore feet and being exhausted.

I was remarking on facebook today how different my life is no than it was a year ago.   A year ago today, I woke up in my old house, in my old bed, with a husband very much alive and ready to come home in a few days. I had no idea he would die.  Today I woke up in a strange bed, in FLORIDA, in a Walt Disney World Resort.  Never in my wildest dreams did I expect this to happen, ever. But I have to say, that NONE of this is at all possible without Barry. I  could not do it without him.  All of what we have now is possible because of him.

I've passed the one year mark.  This year has flown by so incredibly fast.  I remember thinking to myself shortly after he died how I never thought I would get to this point.  How far away it seemed.  Yet, here I am.  Still Standing.  A few more grey hairs.  80+ lbs less on my body.  A new house, a new vehicle, MANY many new friends.  And yes, its all a little hard to stomach sometimes.  I'd love to have my old life back.  I know I will never get that though, so its pointless to even dream or think about it too much because it really NEVER will happen, ever.

So now I have to start the 2nd year, and I hope it will be easier.  I was scared for today, I'd been psyching myself up for it because it is such a HUGE milestone.  Perhaps life will get easier for me.  I can only wish.  I miss Barry so much sometimes, wish he was here to love, to talk to, to just be with, and laugh at stupid fart jokes.

This post may seem disjointed, I forced myself to write it.  Not realy feeling it today, which I know is my sub concious trying to avoid everything.  I'm in total vacation mode and want to get back to doing that.  So with that I will end this post.  I wish I had had more to say about Barry, but I just dont want to talk about him. Not to be disrespectful or anything, but I just do not want to right now.  I'm afraid it will make my vacation too sad.  I don't know....

I'm starting to nod off writing this and need to hit "publish post" before midnight.  Otherwise I'll really feel like a failure if it doesn't post on the 10th.

Barry, I love you.  I miss you, and I know you're happy for us for this vacation.  I'm sorry i forgot to light the candle and let the balloons go, but you'd be happy knowing we're off living our life instead of being too sad.  We all miss you and love you.  I'll see you in my dreams darling.  xoxoxoxop

October 4th 2009 VS October 4th 2010...Stark Differences

I don't think I can even begin to compare the two days.

Today, a year ago, was the last day that the three older kids saw their daddy alive (the baby came to the hospital with me the next day for a few minutes and was able to see Barry).

The day started off normally, it was a Sunday, and we were all excited Barry was coming home for his usual week off.  I knew he was sick though, but strangely, went about my day as normally as I could, cleaning up and getting the house ready for him.  I already knew there was a possibility of him going to the hospital, but he had said he'd drive himself.

Around 6PM that evening, he rolled in the driveway.  Told us all to stay on the deck as he did not want the kids to get sick.  I walked up to the truck, and he said he had to go to the hospital right away.  I immediately got on the phone with Sara (who already knew she may have to come over), and she was over within 10 minutes.  Thankfully she lived right up the road (and still does) and came right over.

Barry waved at the kids from inside his truck, got out and climbed into the van.  That was the last time the three older kids ever saw him alive.  I drove him to the hospital, never knowing that the next time I would take him home would be in an urn. We got to the ER, and waited a good 3 hours or so.  I don't remember exactly.  It was quite awhile.

I helped him get undressed,and into a gown.  I carefully folded his t-shirt, his shorts, and placed them in a bag along with his tennis shoes.  I stuffed his can of chew into his shoe too, where it remains to this day.  His last can of chew.  Did I take his glasses then too? I can't remember honestly. I think I may have, but I am not entire sure if he had them on or not.

He was being seen by a doctor at this time already, and as it was nearing midnight, I decided to leave, and said I would come back in the morning.  We had been told already he would be admitted.  They knew he had pneumonia at this time.  I said my goodbyes, told him I loved him, and walked out of the hospital.

My last view of him that night was being wheeled down the hall in his bed to the XRay room.

I miss him so much.  I have trouble believing he was a real person.  It is hard to fully explain that feeling, because yes, he was alive and in my life for a long time, but he's not here anymore.  He is dead.  Perhaps it is my coping mechanism that makes me think this way, process my thoughts and memories this way, so that it is easier to go on day by day.  It truly is like a dream when I think of him.  At times a very vivid dream, and at other times, I can't quite grasp that memory.

And now today, I am blown away by the stark differences to just 365 days ago.

I am sitting here at my desk, in my new house, with one more pet that Barry didn't get to meet sniffling around me. Athena is looking for breakfast scraps the kids dropped on the floor, she's 6.5 moths old now.

I have suitcases behind me waiting to be packed full of extra stuff like toiletries, snacks, and a few last clothing items.

I am going to Walt Disney World tomorrow with my children.  I have a million things to do today, laundry, packing, running a few errands, packing the pets' food to to go the kennel. Finish up my laundry and pack it into my suitcase, call the shuttle and confirm etc etc etc.

This really is a true testament to how life goes on.  Yes, Barry died a horrible tragic death last year, and we miss him terribly every day, but life has gone on.  It is inevitable.  And he would have wanted that.  Insisted and demanded more like it.  He wouldn't want me to sit and mope and just let life pass me by, so I am taking the bull by the horns and taking the kids on our first REAL family vacation.  I am sad that Barry was never able to enjoy one with us, and this is a first for the kids as it is their first time on a plane, but without him this would not have been possible.

Now to get my day started, I do have a million things to do, and I leave tomorrow evening! Better get a fire lit under my ass!

I love you sexy man, and I think of you often.  Thank you for being the best man I ever knew, for sacrificing so much, for working so hard.  I love you and miss you so much.

13 More Days

If you haven't been through an emotional trauma like I have, you probably don't know how your body reacts to it.

After Barry passed, I ate...but I didn't really eat.  I didn't snack, I ate my small meals, I didn't get pleasure out of eating. I lost a LOT of weight in the first couple months, it was literally pouring off of me.  I've kept up with the weight loss since then, very slowly albeit, but I've managed to lose about 80lbs since a year ago.

Now that the one year anniversary is a mere 13 days away, it finally hit me this morning that my body is going through the same thing. Food is starting to lose its appeal to me, and I am losing the desire to eat. I get hungry, but nothing is appetizing to me at all. I know I am hungry right now, and I had a yoplait light yogurt for breakfast, but that's all I can stomach. I just don't want to eat.  So I drink water.

                     *disclaimer* yes I still eat, but i only eat because I have to, not because I want to. I don't eat a lot.

For quite some time after Barry died, food had no taste to me.  I ate so much yogurt because it was the only thing I could stomach. Everything tasted like sand.  Food is starting to taste like sand again.

I am very angry right now, and a bucket of tears.  I think I have cried every day since the beginning of the month.  I feel like my life is in a jumble, a snake pit...everything writhing around and you cant tell where something begins and ends.  Plus, add in the chaos of getting ready for our trip, and that just makes a whole big hot mess.

Tonight starts our next grief support group, and I am so looking forward to it.  Despite the fact that it takes up 4 hours of my monday nights twice a month, I love it. I get to be with people that have been what I have been through.  I need this support.

We leave for Florida in a mere eight days. Next Tuesday night we will be getting on a plane and escaping life for two weeks. I can not wait.  I hope that this vacation is a break for us, that I will get somewhat of a chance to recharge (yes, I know I said recharge and I am going to Florida by myself for two weeks with four kids, but it WILL be a good vacation), and get a grasp on my life.  I can sit by the pool and read while the kids play.  I can ride space mountain. I can eat a smoked turkey leg.  I can have a beer in Epcot Germany in remembrance of my darling husband.  I can go to Hogwarts and Hogsmeade village in Universal Orlando and remark to the kids how much their daddy would have loved it, how in his element he would have been. I will put my feet in the Atlantic Ocean, I will go to Nasa and stare in awe. And I will have a good time, I will get a tan, and I will come back wishing I could stay forever.

I need this vacation, I need to get away from my snake pit of a life.  I need to be happy, if just for two weeks.

Post 700!!!

Well, I couldn't really think of a better title than that.  I need to celebrate 700 posts on this blog! WooHoo!!

I've been asked recently when I was going to post again, and my first thought was "I don't know, I don't really feel like writing".  But maybe I need to, I think so at least. Writing helps me deal with my feelings, and it is so beneficial to get those out on "paper".

I'm doing a bit better since my last post, but I'm still dealing with a lot of those emotions that I mentioned, being frustrated and angry at couples, and bitter at my situation.  It has passed for the most part. I still haven't called the counselor.  Not on purpose, but because I have been so pre-occupied right lately.  You'll also notice that on the 10th, I purposely did NOT post.  I did not want to post.  I didn't want to be reminded that Barry had been dead for 11 months.  I find it so hard to believe that it has been that long already.  How different my life is this September, compared to last year when Barry was still healthy at this time.  He got sick shortly after though, I remember him being sick for a couple weeks.  You know what the sad thing is, I was really worried about him.  I was scared for him.  I had a bad feeling, but I couldn't put my finger on it.  I was afraid he would die, and I told him that.  I was very scared, but why was I so worried? It was just the flu, or so we thought.  He assured me that if he thought he was going to die, that he would go to the hospital. And then he came home to go to the hospital.  Unfortunately, my intuition was right.

Enough with the sad crap though, I need to update on our lives here! September 8th the kids all started school.  Because we moved back in April, the kids were starting at a new school.  So it really has been a year of changes for us, new house, new neighborhood, new lives, new school, new friends.  They are adjusting well, and making new friends and love their new school.  We do miss our friends at the old school, but the good thing for us is that we are still in the same area we were before, so all their friends are still close and no further driving distance (we moved down the street).

Yesterday was A's first day of pre-k.  She dressed herself, and was so very excited to go to school.  Her first day went great, she is making friends already and the parents are very friendly from what I've seen so far.  I'm very happy with the school I chose.  She will go four days a week in the afternoons from 1-4. It is a nice break for me, I get a little time to myself to re-charge.  She was so proud of herself yesterday morning before we left.  I told her how proud Daddy would be of her, and how big of a hug he would give her. She said to me "how am I supposed to hug him?", and I told her to hug her heart.

We all talk about Barry often, it has started getting easier.  Just the other day at dinner, we were joking and laughing about some of the silly stuff he would do.  Yes, it is still hard to believe he is gone.  Even after almost a year, I still have trouble accepting the fact.  We all miss him so much, and that will never change. But talking about him is getting easier.

My big news is that I started running.  I think I may have mentioned that before, feeling the need to have the adrenaline release.  I just want to feel my feet pounding the pavement.  About a week or so ago, I purchased the C25K app for my iPod touch, which is the Couch To 5K program.  I don't know how far I ran yesterday (my plan is to do it while A is in school) , but it was a 31 minute program.  The app staggers running for a minute and walking for 90 seconds.  I thought I was going to pass out at some times, but I DID IT! I completed the first day without stopping or giving up.  I was hot, sweaty, and exhausted afterwards. I am so proud of me.  I actually did it!!! I will do running day 2 tomorrow, and I'm already looking forward to it. I'll have to take two weeks off the program while we are in Florida, but with all the walking we'll be doing I'm sure we'll be ok.

Speaking of Florida...we leave in LESS THAN THREE WEEKS!!!!! We are so incredibly excited.  The kids are really gearing up for the trip, and I've started to get us ready.  I'll probably start packing soon too.  Yes, I know it is early, but with 5 people going away for two weeks I need to be prepared. I also need to get the pet's stuff ready for the kennel.  I do plan on taking the lap top with me, so I will do my very best to blog while we are there.  I know the one year anniversary will pass while we are there, and I want to write that day, but I will probably do a pre

On October 10th, I am not sure what we will be doing as a family. I think we may get some balloons and each write a special message to Barry on them, and release them.  Does anyone have any other good ideas?

Well, it is time to get my day started.  I'll try to write more often, but the next few weeks are incredibly busy for me...harass me if I'm not writing enough.

Angry, Bitter, Pissed Off, Weepy, Jealous, Infuriated

That title explains some of my emotions over the last week or so.

I've been so angry lately, just full of raw emotions that my week has been a whirlwind.  I don't know what set me off last weekend, I suppose it was a number of things, but its continued to multiply all week until last night was the breaking point for me.

This is all part of the grief cycle, I know that, but when it hit me so hard, I was completely taken aback by the rush of emotion I felt.

The big issue for me right now is my anger at being a single mom, my bitterness at seeing couples together.  And especially at women who take their husbands for granted.  And for part of last night too, I was very angry at Barry for leaving me.  I really feel like I am hitting the anger stage in my grief cycle.  I'm angry at everyone around me for having what I do not. I've been struggling with all of these this whole past week and I just can't seem to get over it. Today is the first good day I've had in awhile.  I suppose that is due to the complete break down I had yesterday afternoon.

I was at a local wildlife park with the kids, and we were having a wonderful day together.  We ate out, we had ice cream, we saw bears and cougars, foxes, wolves, moose, bison, elk, owls, etc etc, and just really enjoyed ourselves.  But then I started noticing all these couples together and started to get really sad. I missed Barry so much.  And I was ANGRY.  and JEALOUS.  I will be completely honest and say I abhor seeing couples together.  It makes me want to poke them with hot rusty sticks, or else scratch my eyes out. Yep, that's pretty graphic, but its true.  I'm so bitter about my situation, I hate being  a single mom. I hate seeing women take their men for granted because I would gladly take one in a heartbeat.

As soon as we got back in the truck to get home, I started getting weepy.  It didn't stop, it was like a slow leak.  We stopped at Safeway because we had almost no food in the house, shopped for an hour, got home and got the groceries inside.  And then the waterworks started. I just started crying and crying and crying.  Thankfully the kids were outside for that.  I was just a fucking mess. I had tears pouring off my face.  And having no tissue handy at that moment, I resorted to using a dish towel to blow my nose on several times.

I knew I had to have company last night, so I texted Jason. And he was busy.  I called Rebecca, which I felt really guilty about because her husband just got back from Iraq a few days ago, but she didn't answer her phone either (which I can understand).  I called Lani, who answered thankfully and listened to me sob, and then promised to come over and drink with me later.  I managed to calm down a bit enough to feed the kids dinner, but I was still a weepy, tear leaking mess.  As soon as the kids went to bed, the water works started again.  At 10PM I was just sobbing in the kitchen.  again. But then Lani never showed up, and never answered her phone either this morning when I called. So I was depressed, drinking and alone last night when I desperately needed company.  My saving grace was a very dear twitter friend of mine who shall remain nameless, whom I also talk to on bbm (blackberry messenger) a lot. We were able to talk for quite some time over bbm late, last night and I was able to catch my breath, calm down, and even laugh a bit.  I really really needed that, so if you are reading this, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Yesterday I probably cried or leaked tears for almost 7 hours if not more. I also cried a lot over the last week and a half. I think I've cried buckets worth. By the time I was done, my head was pounding, I had drank a bit (which I know did not help), and my face was red. I also cried off about three coats of waterproof mascara.  Yes, three coats.  That's a hell of a lot of crying you know.   And today I feel much better. I needed that release.  The only way I've been able to keep that from happening is to block everything out of my mind.  To forget, and just go about my daily life.  I think that it is time to stop that though, because when I block things out, the dam will burst like it did.  It is the only way I know how to function though most of the time.

I'm still sad, I'm still bitter and angry, jealous and infuriated.  But this whole week has made me realize that I am ready to go see a counselor.  I was not ready before, but I am now.  I am ready to talk to someone.  I'm glad about that because we are almost at the one  year mark....wow really? One year.  That amazes me.

PS...today the older girls are at a birthday party.  Last year this same day they were at the same girls birthday party.  Barry was home.  The weather was the same as today, cloudy and a little cool.  After he and I dropped the girls off at their friend's house, we took M and A to Burger King for lunch.  That's all I remember about this day last year.  He had two more days at home with us then, before he went back to work.  That was one of his last times at home.  I miss him so much.