Sunday, February 27, 2011

I'm Scared

Last night when James and I went to bed, I lay there with my mind wandering.  He was laying beside me, and fast asleep, while I was cozy in bed and feeling that warm fuzzy feeling that means sleep is overtaking you.  But I was also thinking about this blog, and that I need to write more often.

One of the things I thought about was that I had to eventually write about the day Barry died.

It's been almost 17 months and I still haven't written it all down.  The awful, heart wrenching, tear filled memories of October 10th 2009.  

As I lay there in bed, I felt sleep slip away from me as my mind filled with the horrible thoughts of that day.  Thinking about how I would write it down in the blog, but also remembering little details like hearing the doctors say they couldn't find a heart rhythm.  And hearing the monitor go flat when they stopped.  Seeing the white patches on his chest from them shocking him.  That's all I can handle writing right now.

Immediately I felt my eyes fill up with tears, and I thought, I can't deal with this right now.  I'm not ready to write about it, I'm not ready to talk about it, I just want to block it from my memory.  Maybe it's different with another "death scenario", with someone who hasn't been by their spouses side as they die, but just heard the news over the phone or some other way.  Someone who hasn't seen the person they love die in their arms in really tragic circumstances.  For me though, it was the very worst day of my life, and I will forever be scarred by those events, memories.  They always will haunt me.

I didn't want to remember anymore last night, I was getting more and more upset with each passing thought, so I reached my hand over and shook James awake.  I asked him to hug me, and he lay there in bed holding me as I collected my thoughts, and calmed down as best as I could.  My heart rate slowed down, I felt more relaxed, and I thanked him for being there for me.  Then I rolled over and read my kindle for a few minutes before I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore.

The truth is, I am scared.  I am so scared to write about that day, and I know I've been avoiding it.  There is no timeline for when I have to do it, I don't ever have to if I don't want to, but I know I should... I just need to remember.  It's the same reason I took pictures of Barry after he passed away.  I have those hidden away on the computer somewhere where I never look at them.  Call it morbid curiosity, but I HAD to do that.  I had to.  And I just have to write about that entire day, and I will some day, but I'm just not ready yet.

I'm scared.


Amanda said...

This is Amanda, Greg's fiance. I read your blog :) I felt inclined to ost on this one. You can be scared. And the picture thing is not as morbid as you might think. My Mom woke up in the middle of the night to her husband having a heart attack. She performed cpr waiting on the paramedics, was with him in the ER and was with him when they turned the machines off. And she took pictures of him as well. While my siblings and I met them at the ER and were they're with her, we can't imagine what she went Thru before the paramedics arrived and she was alone tring to save him. She's talked about a little, but only in bits and pieces. Because she is scared as well. She's afraid that if she come to terms with it and is at peace with what happened she is somehow betraying him. It's okay to be scared.

Crystal said...

Strangely, last night I was awake till 5 am. I know you have never met me, but your story has touched me deeply. Anyway, at 5 am, one of my last thoughts was the "Joanna never wrote about what happened that day..." and I thought of you as I fell asleep. Please know that your story still touches my soul and I think of you daily.