Sixteen Months Later

Sixteen Months Later....

And I still have moments of panic where I feel like my stomach is going to rise up into my throat
I still cry from time to time
I still miss him
I still grieve
I still have to pinch myself and remind myself that this life is real
I still curl up with his t-shirt once in awhile
I still like to read his letters to me and feel him speaking to me

I find myself living with a new man and realizing how wonderful he is and that Barry had to have sent him our way.  He's too great for me to have found on my own.  He and Barry even have a lot of similarities.  I don't feel like getting into them, but I've noticed several.  I have even called James Barry a few times, and have to catch myself before I say all of his name.  The kids have called James "daddy" and "dad" a few times.  We've been very open about this and have told them that they can if they want, but don't have to.  It comes and goes with them, really.  It is hard for me to hear them call him that sometimes though, as it is another reminder of whom we lost.

I've also noticed that I don't feel Barry around as much anymore.  I used to be able to feel that he was around, by orbs in pictures, or just sensing something around me, or the kids even noticing it.  But I think he is here less and less because James is here.  Am I crazy? I really think that he sent James my way because he wanted me to be happy.  I could be totally off my rocker for thinking that, and whether I am right or wrong, I don't care, and I'll just think that James is here because of Barry.  But I still miss Barry, and wish he was around more.

I have thought a few times of his final moments.  What were his final thoughts? Was he scared? Did he think of me? The kids? I wish I could know, but that will be a mystery to me forever.  At least I can be confident and comforted knowing that he died loving me, and knowing he was loved so very very much by me and his children.


One last thing...i know all my images are gone.  Shabby blogs deleted the design I had, and I have yet to fix it.  I'll get on that soon...be patient with me!!