(Almost) 30 Years of Barry

I have so much to write this weekend, but can't seem to get my thoughts straight at all. The difficulty of that stems from the fact that we have two birthdays this weekend. Today was Barry's 30th Birthday. Tomorrow is A's 4th Birthday. Tomorrow is my sister's 23d Birthday.

I suspected that today would be a hard day for us, but it wasn't all that bad to be honest. I purposely planned A's birthday for today so we could get through it. I had her party at Chuck E Cheese's this morning, upon the insistence of my friend Rebecca who encouraged me to have a party for her even though i wasn't feeling it this year. The party went great actually! She was spoiled by all her friends that came, and we enjoyed white and chocolate cupcakes with pink and purple frosting. The weather was beautiful today, so when we got home, the kids and I had an impromptu photo shoot outside. I got some beautiful photos that I will be printing out and framing. We really did have a fantastic afternoon in the sunshine.

My plan for the night was to take the kids to our favorite family restaurant, and Barry's favorite, a local Chinese Buffet. I had actually decided ages ago though, that we would go there every year on his birthday. A way to honor his memory in a way. It really was his favorite restaurant, he LOVED it there. After his funeral in October, my family and his family, all my family, we all went to the restaurant together to honor him as well. We had such a good time that Friday night, and the kids and I had a good time tonight too. But walking into that restaurant without him was strange, surreal...I felt memories wash over me like a tsnunami. Even the smell reminded me of him.

As I sat there at the table with the kids, I could see him sitting across from me. My memories were so incredibly vivid, that I could really see him sitting there in his black t-shirt, a plate piled high with Chinese food and a beer in front of him. I could see him, hear him...I almost could have reached out and touched him.

Never before have my memories been so vivid. Never before in the last five months has he been so real to me. It was almost a comfort to me, knowing I could conjure him up just like that. I don't know that I could ever, will ever, do that again though. It was nice to see him, but I don't know...I just don't know.

I really expected myself to be a snivelling mess today, but you know what, I haven't cried once. We sang Happy Birthday to Daddy, we went out for dinner to his favorite restaurant, we laughed and we remembered him. I have the kids working on writing him a letter, which I am going to have them do every year around his birthday. They can read them when they are older. I myself bought him a card yesterday when i was at Target, and that surprisingly was the hardest for me, and I sobbed as I picked it out. I had the same idea for myself as I did for the kids: I will buy him a card every year, write in it and seal it, and then open it up years down the road, or leave it for the kids when I am no longer here anymore.

Tomorrow is A's 4th birthday. I am going to try write about her if I can...but writing about two birthdays in two days, is a bit much for me. Emotionally exhausting if you may.

Dear Barry

My Darling Barry

It has now been 4 months since we said goodbye for now. Four months, already? Do you know how hard it is to believe that? Time has flown by, passed us so quickly, yet it has dragged on as slow as molasses.

In honor of you, I decided to do something special as I write this blog post. It is February 9th, but I will publish this February 10th at 11:11AM, the time that you died. Can you guess what I did that was so special for this day? Here I sit on the couch, as usual. But I am in your spot on the couch, and I am sitting here using your lap top, writing a "Dear Barry" letter to you, as your picture sits on the end table to my left. It's quite surreal actually.

I haven't opened your computer in quite some time, I can't really remember the last time I even turned it on! The EeePC you bought for yourself for your birthday last year sits in the bottom drawer of my dresser, I haven't even used that since Kevin was here for your funeral. I was scared to open it to be honest, I feel like I am invading your privacy. Kind of funny I guess to feel that way, but I do.

Yesterday the twins turned 9! 9 years old already, can you believe it? I remember the day they were born so well. I bought them each a Guitar! M got more legos, and a Bionicle and a puzzle. V got craft supplies galore, and Mousetrap. We went out for dinner to Izzy's Pizza. The last time we were all there was in July, two days before my birthday. It was the night you bought me my Wii Fit! We even sat at the same table the other night as we all did back in july. The kids and I thought that was so very special, it was our special tribute to you. We miss you so much Barry! Saturday I am having the twins' birthday party at the gymnastics place. I accidentally invited more kids than I thought, haha, so we will have a big party! The kids are looking forward to it though, and I am looking forward to it myself. I am so very lucky that Connie and Sara will be staying to help me!!

The house hunting is coming along nicely. I know you already know this, but I did put an offer on a house a few weeks ago. Its a beautiful home only 15 minutes away from us. On Sunday I took all the kids to see it, and they LOVED it. It's 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, a fully fenced back yard, two car garage. There is a huge kitchen, a formal living room, and even air conditioning! haha. It is a short sale, but the process seems to be moving along quicker than ours did, so I am very happy about that. I desperately wish that I could find the kids a house back in our school boundary lines, but you know as well as I do, that it is so hard to find houses near us. I made the decision that the kids will transition to a new school probably in the fall, unless the school here allows them to stay longer. They will be OK! We can still see all their friends even if we move. I know you were there with us on Sunday when we looked at the house, I could feel you there. I know I have your blessing Barry, thank you so much for that. I know you will come with us to the new house, and you have no idea how much comfort that gives me. I love you.

I've planned a trip for the kids and I this summer. Originally I had planned on going to the reunion at the end of June, but due to certain circumstances, I am almost positive I shall NOT be going anymore. To be honest, I don't want to spend the money, when it will probably be just negativity the whole time. I was also planning on taking the kids to DC and VA for a few days too after we go to PA, but since plans have changed, I'm not quite sure what we're going to be doing. I might still go to DC, or I might take them somewhere completely different.

I feel like my writing is all jumbled today, so I'm sorry if its all over the place and not making much sense. Lately I've been saying that my synapses haven't been firing well in my brain, lol. I've been so overwhelmed...especially this past week. Thursday someone hit the van in the Target parking lot, so that will be repaired next week. But this week, the brakes have been replaced, and the alignment was done as well. The doors are being fixed tomorrow, and the two front tires will be replaced as well. It seems like it is one thing after the other, but at least the van is paid off, right? I figured I would do all the needed repairs at once just to get it all taken care of. There has just been so much going on, along with the van, that I've had trouble making heads or tails of things. I am hoping that things settle down really soon, I just need a break. Sunday for Valentine's day, the kids and I will be doing something fun I think....we might make the trip up to Ikea! yes, I said UP...not down. I wont be driving to go to the Portland store.

I don't know what to write to you, to be completely honest. I miss you, I love you, and I think of you all the time.

Love forever and always,
Me
xoxoxoxox <3 BNB

Twins Turn 9, Happy Birthday to the Two Best 9 Year Olds Ever!!!

I really wanted to write a whole big long post for today, but I'm just not feeling up to it.

Life has really dealt me a shitty hand this past week, and I am tired, and exhausted, and just don't have any energy to put a lot of thought into a deep and thoughtful blog post. So if my post is boring and not well thought out, just deal with it! HAH!

June 2000 was when I found out I was pregnant. I don't remember the exact day, but my period was late and I went to the Medical Center on base to get a blood test. It came back later that morning before I was due to go to work, so I was anxious to finish my shift and go tell Barry. When work was over, I rushed over to the base, found Barry, and ran up to him...gave him a hug, and said "You're going to be a daddy!!!". He was shocked to say the least, lol. I don't remember anything else about that day, except those few memories. I am almost positive I found out the middle of June though.

Just a couple weeks later I had my first doctors appointment. I saw Dr Westerburg, my OB/GYN on the German economy. I had an ultra sound that day too, and since it was so early on in my pregnancy, I had a vaginal ultrasound. I was extremely shy, and had Barry wait on the other side of the screen. This was on June 27th, 2000. Now, you have to realize that Barry and I were kind of hoping that we would only have one child first, but since twins run in my family, we knew that it was a possibility. Dr Westerburg was administering the ultrasound, when suddenly she exclaimed loudly "Yah, I zink I zee two in zhere!", in her German accent. Barry immediately rushed around the screen despite the fact that I had asked him to stay on the other side, and we watched the screen as Dr Westerburg showed us our two babies. I was 6 weeks pregnant at this first ultrasound.

On September 11th, I found out I was expecting a boy and a girl! I was in my 17th week of pregnancy. Barry was on a field exercise during my appointment, so he was not able to come with me to find out. But you bet I called him as soon as I got home! I was so happy to tell him he was having a son!!! AND a daughter!!! It was very, very obvious that Marshall was a boy. He was NOT shy about hiding his goods at all! lol

In late November, early December of that year, we moved back to the States, and settled in WA. My new Dr was Dr. Kathy Hennesey, whom I loved dearly, and was our family doctor for years. She actually delivered child #3 as well. I was put on bed rest for a couple weeks, as that plane trip we took from Germany to WA state gave me pre-ecclampsia! bummer! I spent the last couple weeks before the twins were born laying on my couch, watching crappy TV and doing nothing, lol. I was waiting for the time to pass, but it went by so slowly.

On Feb 7th, a year and a day ago, it was the night before my C-section, and I had Barry measure me. I measured about 55" around the biggest part of my belly! I was all belly! I was absolutely HUGE! I have pictures of me from that day, or the day of the surgery, somewhere, and I am always astonished at how huge I looked.

To be honest, I can't remember much of the day they were born. What I do remember is in bits and pieces. We got up super early to head to the hospital, my c-section was pretty early that day. I think I got in Pre-Op around 7 or so, and then the surgery began about 7:30. Let me tell you, you lose ALL modesty when you have a c-section, and I know, because I have had 3! After my spinal (I loved my Anesthesiologist by the way), I was laid out spread eagle and naked on the table, and they put my catheter in. I dont remember much after this, except that I got sick and threw up (as I did with all my c-sections), and that Barry stood up during the surgery to watch them take the kids out and said he saw my internal organs. LOL. He never recovered from that, haha. He said he saw my liver and my intestines as they were pushing around to get the twins out. The reason I had a c-section was not just because it was twins, but because V was breech...she was bum down, and not heavy enough to even make me dilate. And then M was transverse, so the two of them were making a T in there! lol T for twins!

V was the first one out, at 8:10AM. She cried for a bit, but had a bit of trouble breathing, so they took her over to the table and got her howling pretty quickly. M was next at 8:12 AM, and Barry was watching too. He said M was so gangly that when they pulled him out, he kept coming out, there was no end to him (Even now, at 9 years old, he is almost 5 feet tall and has legs like a horse! He is gangly and ALL legs, lol). He squawked once, and then he was quiet. lol. Again, I don't remember too much about this. I do remember hearing asking why V wasn't crying right away, and then looking over to my right and seeing a big ark of pee going through the air, as M peed everywhere! lol

Barry went upstairs with the twins and assisted the nurse in giving them their baths. I was in recovery at this time, so I was really out of it. All the memories I have of this are what Barry told me. The nurse washed M, and Barry washed V. He told me he was scared to hurt her, so he didn't get all the blood and junk out of her hair, lol. I remember commenting about that when I saw them after recovery.

There are so many memories of that day, but I am having trouble making sense of them. I was out of it on drugs and it was such an emotional day. I was so proud and happy to become a mommy at last! Barry was such a proud daddy. I have some wonderful pictures of him with the twins in the hospital, and afterwards, for years afterwards.

I am so proud of V and M. I am so happy to be their mommy! I can't believe that 9 years have passed already, and they are 9 years old! The last 9 years have just flown by...it seems just yesterday that they were born. I really don't know where the time has gone. Tonight we are going to go out to our favorite Pizza buffet for dinner, and have cake when we get home. Saturday afternoon is their combined birthday party, which we are having at a local gymnastics gym.

It breaks my heart that they won't have Barry at their birthday. He SHOULD be HOME right now. He should be here with me, sitting at the couch, working on his school work on his lap top. Or else he should be in the kitchen making the birthday cakes like he always did. I am mad that he has to miss the rest of their birthdays. I didn't want to write this post because I knew I was going to cry writing it. And yes I did, towards the end of this, I started to sob silently into my hands. The tears squeezed out of the corner of my eyes until my shoulders started to shake. And now my nose runs as I try to control the tears and crying. I miss Barry so much, I am so sad that he has to miss this most important day.

Please keep us in your thoughts as we try to get through today. Give us strength, and wish the twins a Very Happy 9th Birthday, even though we are sad, and missing our Husband and Daddy.

In Honor Of My Husband

I just wanted to post this link really quick, and then I will be back to write later about this song and its meaning to Barry and his life..



********

The lyrics to this song are

O Fortune
like the moon you are changeable
ever waxing and waning
hateful life
First oppresses and then soothes as fancy takes it;
poverty, power
it melts them like ice.
Fate- monstrous and empty
you whirling wheel, you are malevolent.
Well being is in vain and always fades to nothing
shadowed and veiled you plague me too;
now through the game I bring my bare back to your villainy.
Fate is against me in health and virtue,
driven on and weighed down always enslaved.
So at this hour without delay pluck the vibrating strings;
Since Fate strikes down the strong man; everyone weep with me!

Thank you to the anonymous reader that gave me the link to this on YouTube! I have looked at it before, but just the other day found it again and really listened/read the lyrics. It is so ironic that these words speak of him so well, how fate really did strike down the strong man. It just screams Barry! And how fitting since this was one of his favorite songs.

Throughout the years of our marriage we got the chance to talk about death a lot. He mentioned often how he always wanted this song played when they "carried him out", and in this case, he was carried out in his urn. We played the music so loud in Hope Chapel when he was taken out, he was taken out in a blaze of glory. I did it for him, I did what he wanted, and it made me so happy to do that.

I think it is so interesting how music can literally etch certain memories into your mind. Even the first few notes of a song just bring you back in time to that EXACT moment. I have one song that Barry loved, and I found to play at his service that was just perfect. It was an Aaron Neville and Linda Ronstadt song about love, obviously, and I had it played as I walked up to the podium to speak about him at his service. When I hear the music start I can think only of myself, walking up the aisle to the podium, my "speech" clenched in my hand, and just crying and smiling at the same time. Knowing I was about to say goodbye to my husband, and tell everyone what a wonderful man he was.

Another thing that is etched into my mind is the time 11:11AM. My eyes always seem to glance at the clock at that time. Not every day, but quite often lately it has been happening. 11:11 is the time that he died. The time the Dr stopped the CPR and called the time of death. The time my life was forever and completely changed.

Barry, today is a sad day and I have been crying off and on most of the morning. I miss you so much sexy man! I wish I could be happy. Sometimes I feel like I am getting happy again, and then I just feel destitute the next moment. I'm so lonely! I really really miss you honey. And I love you so much.

I'll always love you less than three.

A Forgotten Milestone Day

I've noticed that the last few days I've been exceptionally cranky.

My attitude has been really crappy, I've been snapping at the kids, I have a very short fuse. And I'm just feeling under the weather.

But I couldn't put my finger on it, and today at MOPS a light bulb went off. I was talking to a friend there who asked how I was doing and I said I was OK, but it really comes and goes. I happened to glance down at my watch to check the time/date, and then it hit me.

December 15th. It was December 15th.

Exactly 10 years ago today I arrived in Germany to marry Barry. I left Edmonton, AB the night of the 14th, and arrived in Germany at 10:40 local time. And thus began the next 10 years of my life. We were married two weeks later.

Isn't it interesting how you forget days like this sometimes? And then it just hits you, and you realize that it affects you so much more than you realize. And the effects can last a few days even, as your body slowly recovers.

My appetite has been affected, as have been my moods. I was just exhausted this afternoon, and almost fell asleep on the couch. I had a headache as well, and a sore back.

Can I just sleep through till the middle of March so I can bypass all the sad days?

Putting Up The Tree

Today I was finally coerced into setting up our Christmas tree.

You see, I've been dragging my feet. a lot. I just haven't wanted to bother with it at all this year, but for the kids, I did it.

So this cold Saturday afternoon, I hauled my ass out to the shed, and dug through the countless bins to find what Christmas decorations I could actually handle putting up this year. What came out with me was the HUGE tree box, and 3 bins of lights, ornaments, stockings and a few decor items. I just couldn't do anymore. I think I have another couple bins in there, but I did not want to bother putting them up this year. I decided to simplify.

We spent an entire afternoon putting up the tree and decorating. I was dreading putting up the tree. Absolutely dreading it. You see, I have NEVER put the tree up by myself. Not once. There has always been family there, or Barry when he was home to help with it.

November of 2001 was when we bought this tree. We've had it for 8 years now! I remember walking through Wal Mart with Barry when the twins were just babies, and I said to him we should get a smaller tree. But No, he INSISTED we get the biggest and tallest tree we could, just so we'd never have to buy another. So $80 later, we came home with this 7.5 foot tall, 5 feet wide at the base, monstrosity of a tree. And we still have it. And it's not pre-lit. sigh. Putting the lights on is the most challenging thing. I could have done more, but I settled for only 3 strands this year. I just couldn't do more as I despise putting on the lights.

In 2002, when E was just brand new, my sister was visiting us, and we actually all put the tree up on Christmas Eve. That was the day that Barry interviewed for his 2nd to last job at McLane Northwest, which he was hired for. We didn't get home that night till really really late, so we all pitched in and did it late Christmas eve. That was also the day that V said the "f" word for the first time, LOL. Ahhh such memories of Xmas 2002!! 2003 Barry was home, and we did it all together. 2004, I don't remember much of that, but I'm pretty sure my mom and sister were there (By then Barry was working for his "current" job, and was already over the road). 2005 we were at our first home, and my mom/sister and I did it together, same for 2006 when A was a baby. 2007 and 2008 were also subsequent years with my mom and sister, as we almost always did it Sinter Klaas weekend. Last year, 2008, my sister did most of it with me and she did a horrible, HORRIBLE, job. After her and my mom left, I actually took off ALL the decorations, all the lights, and re-fluffed the tree. Then I put everything back on, after buying more lights. I know she is reading this, and her and I had a good laugh about that tonight. She is a horrible tree fluffer, just horrible. I still love you though Mafido!

This was my very first year putting it together on my own without any help, and I was scared. Just because it was the first time doing it without anyone, and the tree is not always easy to put together. I was cursing myself because I couldn't figure out what went were, but half way through assembling it, I found the diagram that Barry drew for me last year. I breathed a sigh of relief as I found that piece of paper, and tucked it safely into an ornament box for using next year, silently thanking him for doing that.

Now our tree is up, it looks beautiful and is our usual mish-mash of balls, homemade ornaments, bought ornaments, and my extensive collection of Hallmark ornaments. It was a bit emotional putting up the tree, remembering all these ornaments I had bought over the year. Seeing the first ones I had made for this tree, ones I had made for Barry, the one he made for E when she was just a baby, and crying softly while putting some of them on. A new addition to our tree this year was one special ornament I bought for him in October after he passed. A special spot on the tree, front and center, was reserved just for this ornament:


On the back it says "The true testament of a life well-lived is the love we leave behind".

That certainly is true.


******someone asked me where I purchased this ornament. I got it at Hallmark*********

Two Months Ago

In Loving Memory
Barry N. Bender, Jr.
3-6-80 to 10-10-09

I will love you forever and always sexy man.

I've been writing this blog post off and on for the past week, gleaning bits of information from myself to write today.

Today is the magical number two. Two months. 8 Weeks and 5 days exactly. 87,840 minutes.

It has been that long since Barry died.

And you know what? I'm OK. I really am. most of the time. Today though, because it has been two months, I am sad. And I am crying, but I am OK. I am OK because I know that he loves me, and he will always love me. And I am OK because I know that I gave him his forever, even though he couldn't give it to me. I gave him the most love he could ever receive, I was a good wife, I was a good mother to his kids, I was his everything. He died knowing that I loved him, and that he was loved. And now in tribute to him, I am going to continue to live because that is what he would have wanted.

I still miss him terribly, but that awful heart wrenching pain has dissipated quite a bit. And for that I am thankful. I am thankful I can go to bed without crying, without feeling desperation all day, without feeling like I HAVE to grieve. I can go about a normal day and be a normal person. I love the picture that I posted of him. I took it this past summer at Fort Langley when we were visiting my mom. He rarely smiled in pictures, but in this one I can just see a smile coming out. I can look at it and see his mouth break open into a smile, while he looks at me. Even his eyes are smiling.

My cousin Heidi wrote a note on face book that really struck a cord with me. She wrote exactly how I felt, have felt, was feeling. She wrote about how you never think things are going to get better, and how it seems all you're going to do is hurt. But that time heals.

And it's true, it really is. Time heals all wounds, even though it seems like complete bullshit when you first hear it.

To quote Barry,

"But in realizing death, we must also remember to live. Time heals all wounds. Grief is normal, and it will pass"

I've had to repeat that to myself many times over the past two months. It seemed at first that nothing would get better, that I could never be happy again, that I would never get past this. And I really did walk around in a fog, just had this cloud above my head that was dark and thunderous. Eventually it started to go away, slowly, but it's gone now. Sometime last month, a couple weeks before I wrote my post about "It's Time", is when I finally started feeling normal. I still wrote grief posts after that, because I felt I had to, but not because I wanted to. I felt it was expected of me. Like I had to bow to society's standards about how I have to grieve. But you know what? Fuck Society. Really. I don't care what everyone else thinks. I'm an adult, I am independent, and I will make my OWN decisions and stop worrying about what everyone else thinks of me. I can thank Barry for helping me cultivate that attitude/view on life, because without him, I wouldn't have it. I will grieve in my own way, and if someone doesn't understand then they can just keep that to themselves.

Then I think about what he said, and I realize that time does heal all wounds. I can look back at him now and smile, and remember without my heart breaking. I still get teary eyed sometimes, and I will always miss him and love him. He'll never be forgotten. He'll always live on in us.

I had my ring cut off on Monday. I didn't feel right wearing it anymore. I'm not married anymore, so why wear it? My fingers were too chubby to take it off myself, so I went to a local Jeweler, and had them cut it off. BUT BUT...I'm also having mine and his re-soldered together, so they are intertwined. Not sure what I'll do with them after that, but I'm not worried about that yet. They are very special to me, and we have the exact same ring, a plain gold band he bought from a German jewelery store. This way, if the kids want later in life, they can get them made into wedding bands for themselves, and have something special that was mine and Barry's. I've also gotten rid of most of his stuff. I've kept all the important mementos like pictures, cards, his wallet, knives/guns, last outfit he ever wore, his favorite t-shirt and one shirt for each of the kids. And I kept most of his DVDs, and his computers. But everything else went to goodwill. I don't want it anymore. I just needed to get rid of it, as it is cluttering up my life. I just can't have it around anymore. I'm ready to move on. I think he would be exceptionally proud of me for how strong I have been, for how I've held up in this time of adversity. I know he is proud of me. He ALWAYS encouraged me to become more independent, to stop worrying about what everyone thought of me, to be my own person, and I finally am. He would be extremely proud of me for standing on my own two feet!

In just under a month we'll be ringing in a new year. I'm going to make 2010 the best that I can. I'm going to Live, Love, Laugh, and Be Happy.

One Month Ago

I have a post in mind for today, but I wanted to say some other things first. First off, I'm writing this Monday night. It's going to be a long post, so be forewarned. I don't have the ability to write this tomorrow morning because I am going to be out most of the day, and I don't want to deal with the emotions that come with writing a post like this. I'm staying away from the house, and keeping busy till the kids get home so I just don't have to think. I've also got a veteran's day assembly tomorrow night to go to. I figured why not write it tonight, Monday night, when I can deal with it all and wake up and not have to worry about writing such an emotional post. I haven't been able to write anything like this yet, and I certainly can't write like this in my journal right now. But I will definitely be keeping these posts for the future. Perhaps I'll even have them bound into a book. So here goes....I'm even crying while writing this intro.

One more thing. I had this post publish at Barry's time of death. 11:11Am.


My Dearest Barry,

I miss you so much honey. I think about you all the time, and I love, love, love you. I'll always love you less than 3. You're my sexy man, you mud stuffin!

One month ago, you were cruelly taken away from me and the kids. Little did I know that on that one Saturday, when I headed to the hospital, I would leave it without you forever. I wasn't even going to go to the hospital because we had to get ready for E's birthday party that afternoon, and I had to go pick up her cake at Safeway. You were going to make her a headstone cake with a candy skeleton, remember? But then when we realized you'd be in the hospital for awhile, we decided I'd go order one instead. Mom told me to go visit you, because it would be nice to see you earlier rather than later. I'm so glad I went.

We had such a nice visit that morning. Joking, laughing, and teasing each other. I remember you were eating your breakfast when I came into your room, and the first thing you said to me was "Hey Baby". I drank some of your OJ and then gave the rest to you because I didn't want to get any germs from you. I will treasure those moments forever. I'll never forget the time that we had. I am sure you know this, because I did tell you once you were conscious, but I was at the hospital day and night. I spent hours there with you in the ICU. I talked to you, rubbed your feet, held your hand, kissed your forehead, put pictures and cards up on your wall, everything. I don't remember saying I love you that morning, but your nurse Amy, told me she had heard us say it. I know we did, we were always saying I love you to each other.

Just a short time after I got to the hospital, I don't even remember what time it was, maybe 45 minutes? you got up to go to the bathroom. That's when it all went downhill. The nurses had me leave, and I called the family, and then they called a code blue. Dr. Christensen came to see me in the stairwell, where I was with a lovely woman named Deb, and told me they couldn't find a pulse. Did you hear me scream? I think everyone on the 10Th floor heard me scream. It made my ears ring. You always said I was too loud, I'm sure you did hear me. Then I ran past Dr Christensen, and ran full speed down the hallway...I didn't even hurt my shins! I forced my way into the hospital room and was at your side. I held your hand, I kissed you, I loved on you as they performed CPR on you. You were turning blue at this point, but I know you heard me talking to you.

Do you remember me telling you how much I love you? How much of a good daddy and husband you were? How you were my best friend? How I would love you forever and always?

Dr Christensen was standing at your head, and I to your left, holding your hand. He came to stand beside me, hugging me, and telling me that they could put you on life support, but that you wouldn't wake up. That you would be a vegetable for the rest of your life because you had been without oxygen for almost 40 minutes at that point. Did you hear that? Did you hear me yell at the doctors that I wasn't a widow? That I was too young to be a widow? That this wasn't happening to me? Did you hear me say that it was OK to stop the CPR, and that I knew you wouldn't want to be a vegetable? Do you know how hard it was for me to say that? To have to know I was saying goodbye to the man I loved? I broke away from the doctor, and went to talk to you again, telling you over and over and over how much I love you, how much the kids love you, how much of a good father you have been, how much of a wonderful husband you have been. How you were my best friend, and I thanked you for sacrificing everything for us. I kissed you and hugged you.

And then they called the time of death and stopped CPR. I was there with you and said goodbye.

Everyone cleared out of the room, the nurses took me to a private room where I was able to call Lisa and Sara to be with me. I don't think I could ever thank them enough for what they did for me. About an hour and a half after you passed, I was allowed to go back into your room to say my final goodbyes. I half layed on the hospital bed beside you, Lisa and Sara put your left arm around me and helped you to hug me. They leaned on my back and just hugged me, as I hugged you. Again I said goodbye, saying all those things I said before. And to tell you again, You were my best friend Barry, I love you more than anything. I will never stop loving you for the rest of my life. I appreciate everything you ever did for us, sacrificing our family time so that you could provide for us. You were the best husband I could have asked for, the very best man I could have ever asked to spend my life with. Our children couldn't have been given a better daddy, you were the best ever!

I had Lisa and Sara leave for about 15 minutes or so, so I could be with you by myself for awhile. You know, I clipped some of your chest hair? I have it saved away. I always loved running my fingers through it. I kissed your lips, I marveled at the fact that parts of you were still warm, and I couldn't stop touching you. I just loved on you.

Telling our kids that daddy died has got to be the HARDEST thing I have ever done in my life. They miss you so much, and they've been having a hard time. A especially because she just doesn't get it. I don't know how I can explain to her how you are never coming back. I've tried, and I think maybe she is starting to understand, but she always says she misses you. We all miss you. We all love you. We're starting family counselling on the 12th, its geared especially towards families and kids that have lost someone like we have. And I am going to a grief support group starting in January, my good friend Rebecca, whom you never got to meet, is going to watch A for me once a week when I go. I think it will be good for me.

I think you would be so proud of me for how I have handled everything this past month. I've been so strong, despite the fact that my heart is breaking. I've done more paperwork than I could have ever imagined, I took care of your trip packs, I did all the insurance paperwork, I took care of the funeral arrangements. I've really stepped up and I know you always wanted me to make something of myself, and I have really taken the first steps towards that. I'm even thinking of writing a book! Everyone has told me how well I can write, I never knew that! It was always you who had that talent in our family. I respond by saying how sad it is that such a tragedy had to happen to make the words flow. But I can do it, and I am good at it!

People have blessed the kids and I considerably. With food, monetary donations, and cards, and love, and friendship. More than I could ever have asked for. And you have blessed us too Barry. I know we didn't expect that life insurance to ever have to be used, but thank you for that. Thank you so very very much for getting that, and seeing to provide for the kids and I after you passed.

I still sleep with your t-shirt under my pillow, and your pillow between my knees. Once in awhile I will wear it, and also wear your deodorant to bed, so the shirt smells like you. I cleaned out your truck, and guess what I found? Your black beanie cap! You also left me close to $80 in change!!! Mike always said you were bad for that, and was he ever right! Doug and Dusty came to your funeral, did you know that? And Jeff N came to pick up your truck shortly after that. it was so hard to see it being driven away, I recorded it with my blackberry, and had Jeff pull the air horn a few times so we could hear it.

At your funeral, did you hear the songs that I picked? I went through your iTunes on your (now my) lap top, and picked the top 4 songs I knew you liked. I know the two you wanted the most, Mars for when the service was starting, and O Fortuna for when it was ending and you were being taken out. You told me you wanted that, and I did it for you baby. I'm glad we were able to talk about that over the years, because it made me so happy to be able to do that for you. And O Fortuna, Barry that is YOUR song! When Mom, Maegen and I were going through the songs, we started laughing when I played it for them. It's so pompous, arrogant...it's you! It is the epitome of you, and I love you for that.

Barry, I love you. You are, and always will be, the man of my dreams. I have loved you since I was 18 years old! The 10 years that we were married, and the 11 that we knew each other were the best of my life. You gave me the best decade of my life! You were my first love, my first everything, and I will never forget you. I could write so much more, but my fingers are getting sore, and I will leave more for another day.

If I could ask you one more question, one last request of you, could you please come visit me in my dreams? I miss you, and I so desperately want to dream of you. To see you in the flesh, to touch you, to hear your voice telling me you love me.

Goodbye for now!

I love you Sexy Man!

Love, Me
xoxoxoxp

p.s. I finally bought that camera. haha :o)