What I'm going to write about today has been weighing heavily on my mind for awhile, and I've struggled with coming to terms with it, how to acknowledge it, and just how to proceed from there. I had a couple really awesome conversations last night with a couple people, one including my sister, that really helped me realize that this is what I want to do right now.
And without further adieu, here we go...
I'm not going to blog about grief for long time.
It has been almost two months since Barry died. I have trouble beleiving that myself, only two months? I remember the week after he died, when we were all busy with funeral preparations and dealing with that and the aftermath, time just crept by so very slowly. And then my family left, and I thought time couldn't go fast enough. All I wanted was for time to pass. Now here I am, the last day of November, and I'm shocked that he's been dead for two months almost.
The last two months have been filled with unmeasurable sorrow. Buckets of tears, little sleep, spending lots of money because I just needed to keep busy. We've done the Grief Support group thing (next week the 10th is our last meeting, we're skipping this week because the three older kids have the Christmas Choir performance) too, and we've just tried to deal with this dynamic change in our family. And it has been the HARDEST thing I have ever had to do.
I will always love him, that is never going to change. How could I not? We were married for almost 10 years and have 4 children together. He was my life for over 10 years.
But now he's dead.
And honestly, that changes things now. How can I be in love with a dead man? Does that sound callous? I certainly don't intend for it to sound that way, but the love that I have for him, its changing in some ways. It's so hard to explain unless you've actually lost a spouse; You will always love them, always hold them in your heart and memories, but you can't live a live with a dead person. You can't talk to a dead person...well, you can, but not in person and you certainly won't get a response. I don't think the love will fade, but it just changes.
Blogging about him has been so therapeutic, it has helped me to work with my grief and somehow, somewhat, come to terms with it. But it is so emotionally exhausting to talk about it all. the. time. Ever stopped by here and wondered why there wasn't a post one day? this is why. All I've been blogging about for these last two months has been Grief and Barry, and I just CAN'T anymore. I just can't. Theres no saying I won't blog about grief again, I probably will, and at certain milestones too. But this grief blogging day after day after day after day, is really getting old. How many times can I really say how sad I am? And I do think that blogging about him all the time is prolonging my sadness. Of course if I write about it, I'm going to be sad and all that encompasses.
I want to be happy again, I am going to be happy again. I don't want to wake up each day and think that I have to grieve, have to be sad all the time because my husband is dead. Society has made us think that once you lose a spouse, you should grieve for the longest time possible, perhaps the rest of your life. But I'm only 29, I'm not destined to spend the rest of my life grieving and mourning the loss of my husband. I'm not destined to spend the rest of my life alone! I do want to love again, and one day I hope I can even get remarried. I'm going to get through the holidays this month (ok, next month, but its only one day, does it really matter?), and start 2010 afresh. 2010 is going to be a new year for us! I'm going to make it the best year I can. We're going to go to see family in PA hopefully in the summer for a reunion, I'm going to try take the kids to Disneyworld or Disneyland, and I'm even thinking about going camping with them too! We're going to LIVE, and enjoy, and be happy again.
I hope you will all come to visit and read my blog still. I love having you all here, reading about us, encouraging me, and being such awesome supportive friends. It has meant so much to me.
And with that, I say goodbye to grief blogging for now. I will be blogging still regularly, so come back to visit!! I've found a new love for writing, and I enjoy it!!