Tuesday, November 03, 2009

So......

I don't have a title for today's post.

Today I went back to MOPS after being gone for a month. Originally I went to the first meeting in September, and the one after that was the day Barry was extubated. Then the last one I couldn't make because the boy was sick, and he and I were on Tamiflu. I was disappointed that so many of the regulars were missing today, I guess it's that time of year and so many of us are sick. So my big group thank you will have to wait until next time, the 17th of November. But none the less, it was so good to see some of my friends!

At MOPS today one of the ladies gave me a copy of Barry's obituary. I had to hold back the tears a few times as I sat and read it, over and over. Looking into his eyes in the picture was hard. I loved that picture of him. It was actually one I took of he and my brother this past July, at Fort Langley. We had a great day, and I actually caught him smiling! lol I cropped his face for the obituary.

I miss him. I miss him more than words can say. I'm just so sad! I've been wanting to write down memories, but I haven't had the time to do so. I want to give myself quite a bit of time to do so, because I know it will be very emotional. I can't do it before bed either, because that's just too hard to do.

Today while I was driving home from my MOPS group, I wondered how I could possibly go on without him. How can my life go on without him? I don't want to be without him. I can't imagine my life without him. Yet here I am, and my life doesn't have him in it, living at least. I wish I could be with him, but the kids need me. I so desperately want him back.

I guess I am still feeling that desperation of losing him. It's really a hard feeling to get over, when you have such a tragic loss in your life. It doesn't hit me all the time though, just when it's quiet and my thoughts get the better of me. Those times are when the tears squeeze out of my eyes, when I quietly sob to myself.

I read a blog recently, another woman who lost her husband 4 years ago. She wrote a "Dear Husband" letter just last week. I'm actually thinking of doing something like that too, but in a bit of a different context. I want to write "Dear Barry" letters on important milestones, to tell him what we've been doing, how we're doing, remember memories, ask him questions etc etc. I want to write the first one now, but I am going to wait till the 10th, which will mark the one month anniversary of his death.

One month...so short a time, yet it feels like a lifetime.

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