Saturday, November 21, 2009

Fate Knows

Fate knows all. I truly believe this, especially after the events of this past year.

First off, I do NOT want to write this post. Not one bit. But if I don't write it tonight, then I have to write it tomorrow. Unfortunately, it isn't something that can be ignored, as it has been really tugging on my mind the last few days. I feel that not writing about Fate would be an injustice to me, to you, to my blog and my memories.

Barry always said he would die young.

I would always shush him and say "Stop! Hush. Just take care of yourself and you'll be fine".

But he knew, he always knew, and I think in the back of my mind I knew too. It hurts to say that, it rips me apart to admit it. Funny thing is, he was perfectly healthy, he had NO health problems except that he was overweight.

In response to my comment above, he would always say that the men in his family did not live long lives. And unfortunately, that has proved to be true. Barry died this year at age 29, his cousin Dustin died this past July at age 19, and their grandfather died at the age of 43 years ago. I hated hearing about how he knew he would die young, it scared me to think of him being taken away from us.

But Fate knew.

I truly believe that is why we had such a WONDERFUL marriage. True, we did have our ups and downs like every married couple, but we were strong to the core. We were best friends. We always talked, spent hours on the phone every day, talking about everything and anything. Silly things, the kids, life, death, my crafts, his favorite radio shows (Opie and Anthony, Ron and Fez and Weird Medicine), our future, our past. Anything you can imagine, we talked about. In fact, our relationship started as talking and communicating via email, phone calls and chat rooms. We met in a chat room! We talked for 9 months before we even met in person, coincidentally the day we met in person was the day he asked me to marry him. And we were married 3.5 months later. Really though, we had the best marriage. We packed everything we could into our 10 years, and that was because fate knew.

We had a fantastic 2009 as a family. In May we went to The Woodland Park Zoo in Seattle for our annual May Day excursion, in July we went to B.C. for a week, in August we went to Multnomah Falls in Oregon, and up to Birch Bay, WA as well. He was also here for our youngest daughter's firsts, like getting her ears pierced right before her 3d birthday last march. He was always adamant that the girls wait till they were responsible and able to not play with them, but he relented, and she had her ears pierced on his birthday, March 6th 2009. When we went to BC in July, that was our real family vacation, and we had so much fun! We all had such a good time, even if he didn't like to admit it all the time :).

In August, when we went to Multnomah Falls, we got the boy his first pocket knife. It was supposed to be a Christmas present, and had his name engraved into it, but Barry wanted to give it to him early, so we did. And he was able to teach the boy how to properly use a pocket knife. One day while he was home in August, I was talking to him about some Christmas gifts I had bought for the kids, and showed them to him. He didn't want me to give them to the kids b/c they took batteries, and we were trying to avoid that this year, so we gave them all to the kids as an early present. So he was able to see the kids open some of their Christmas gifts, and experience the joy that they did getting a surprise present.

Just a few short days later after we went to Oregon, we were able to take an early 10th anniversary trip!!! We dropped the kids off at my parent's place, and stayed at a hotel for a weekend, went out for a nice dinner and saw a movie (Inglourious Basterds) and did a bit of shopping. It was a great trip, and a great summer.

In 2009 Barry also got to realize his dream of going back to school. Unfortunately he did not get to finish, but he gave it his all while he was studying. He did a great job, and today in fact, I got copies of all of his Dean's List letters. He was on the Dean's list every. single. semester. He was awesome!!

And to say it again, I truly believe that this all happened because fate just knew. Fate knew that we had to do all this stuff, experience it, because little did we know he would be dead just a few short months later.

I also knew Barry was going to die as soon as I brought him to the hospital, perhaps even before. it wasn't a thought I was aware of, but it was just in the back of my mind, just a feeling I had. I think it was solidified for me once I saw him intubated, sedated in the ICU/CCU. Subconsciously I knew there was no going back from that point, but my mind didn't really register that thought. It's a hard feeling to explain, just a niggling feeling that you can't put your thumb on.

Because of what happened in October, I am so thankful for this year. I am so thankful that we had that time as a family, going on vacation, making memories and being with each other. I'm thankful that Barry and I had one last date, and got to celebrate our 10th anniversary 3.5 months early (we actually went out for our anniversary on the anniversary of our engagement! lol). I'm thankful that the kids' last memories of their daddy are good ones, rather than of him being in the hospital (they never saw him in the hospital). Now all they have to know is the good memories, of our time in Seattle, BC, and in Oregon, and everything before that.

They'll never know the pain I felt while he was in the hospital and when he died, because I wanted to protect them from that. They'll never know what it was like to see his head without his beloved beard, looking like a bowling ball, because they had to shave his beard off. They'll never have to know what it was like to see countless machines and tubes attached to his body, hearing beeps and blips, and heart rate monitors, seeing iv tubes, catheters, all that crap. They'll never have to know how awful it was to hear him say his last words, "I can't breathe. I can't breathe. Why can't I breathe?" while looking into his eyes. All they have now are good, wonderful, memories of the best daddy they could ever have.

I do have to say though, Fate is a cruel bitch too, just like her sister Reality.


Arlene said...

Much Love to you sweetie, you are so brave and strong. You were the best wife to Barry. You are a wonderful mom also. Don't forget that. I am sending all the love I can muster to you and your kids. XOXO

Anonymous said...

You truly have a gift for writing Joanna!! I love and continue to pray for you and your children!! xoxox

Liss said...

Wow.hon, that was powerful. xxxx

Denise said...

I know you didn't want to write it, but I'm glad you did. It is so good to hear about all the fun things you did this year, about all the good family time you had. I can't imagine that 'knowing' feeling....but can I tell you are a strong woman!

running wildly said...

What wonderful memories you have to take with you for the rest of your life. Thank you for sharing your journey.

Marsha D said...

hello, I ran across your blog while i was surfing through blogger and i read this post. i know that we don't know each other, but i am truly sorry for your loss...i cannot imagine how hard that must be. i'm not sure if you're religious or not, but when you talk of Fate...that's really God...and he's never going to give you anything you can't handle!! Be strong and love those children with all your heart!! and thank you for sharing your story!!