Saturday, November 14, 2009


I wanted to talk about a bunch of different topics, subjects, what have you, but as there is too much, I will just list it, and summarize everything.

  • I can't remember the last time I really cleaned my room. I think it was before Barry was to come home, before he went into the hospital. After he died, and mom and I were cleaning for out of town company, we used my room as a catch all. I still have his clothes where I left them. His Fridge, a bin full of stuff to bring to goodwill, his Army duffel bag full of his clean AND dirty laundry. Countless bags of Christmas presents on the floor and stuffed into the closet. The clothes I bought for the Salvation Army kids, the clothes I bought myself at Old Navy yesterday, my clean clothes stacked on a box. Books, clutter,, his computers and lap top bag, a random sock of his from last august that he left at home by accident, paper work, just clutter. I have to clear a path really, it's very messy. And mom, I know you're reading this, rest assured it will be clean before you come over at Christmas. No bitching allowed! haha
  • I still haven't touched his clothes from where I put them when I emptied his truck. Everything is how I left it when I first put it there. Though I really suppose I SHOULD charge the lap top, I haven't used it in a few weeks.
  • I haven't folded laundry properly in weeks
  • My son asked if he could do the dishes before school this morning because i left them from last night and the kitchen was messy. So yes, I did do them after they went to school
  • As it is painfully obvious, housework is not a priority for me right now. I have to get my butt in gear though because I have 4 family members coming in from out of town for Christmas in just over a month.
  • I almost bought Barry a pair of slippers the other day because I knew his were worn out and in need of replacement. I was going to buy him new work gloves, new slippers, and a new duffel bag...all of which he desperately needed.
  • We started family grief support Thursday night. I didn't get anything out of it. I'm hoping this will change, but I do understand it is geared to the kids. Almost everyone there lost someone to cancer. I felt very out of place.
  • I talked to Barry's school today regarding his account, transcripts and everything. It made me very sad that he will never get to see his dream fulfilled. He was such an AWESOME student! On the Dean's list every semester. I'm in the process of getting copies of his transcripts and Dean's list letters to save for the kids. I want to show them how much of a wonderful student their daddy was.
  • Yesterday I a let my 3.5 year old watch Mickey's Twice Upon a Christmas twice in a row and I didn't care. I also didn't shower till 10:30 yesterday morning.
  • Last night I took the kids to Costco after an early dinner. Before we left, I thought to myself, "Oh, I better call Barry to let him know we're going out".
  • I don't think there has been more than a one day span where I haven't gone out since Barry got home October 4th. I go somewhere almost every day. Before, I would only go out every few days. Now I HAVE to go somewhere, do something, anything, to keep my mind off things and keep busy and entertained.
  • Today I took my kids Christmas shopping and out for lunch. We had a subway gift card for lunch, but do you know how HARD it is to corral 4 kids in small restaurant? Plus keep them reasonably quiet and well mannered? It's impossible. Then we headed to Old Navy, Toys R Us, Target and Pier One. I will say this: There is a reason I only do my shopping during the week when the three oldest are in school.
  • I am hoping, crossing my fingers, anything, that 2010 is a better year for us. A year for healing, a year for laughter, a year for new memories. I hope it's our year to be happy.


Lilli said...

I know 2010 will be a year for healing, a year for laughter, a year for new memories for you.

2010 is your year to be happy....but also allow yourself to be is ok.


Lishak said...

I just ran across your blog. I cannot imagine what you are going through. I wish you a wonderful, healing 2010.
Here is some other blogs of women a similar age going through a similar situation. I hope it may help. :)