Sunday, November 15, 2009

Blueberry Muffins, A Coping Mechanism?

While eating breakfast this morning with the kids, I was reminded of Barry again all because of a Blueberry muffin.

Ok, let me back track a little bit. First off, I have a Costco membership thanks to my friend Mimi. Secondly, I love Costco muffins, especially blueberry and poppy seed/almond. I bought some a couple weeks ago, but froze the rest as we couldn't finish them. Today for breakfast the kids wanted a muffin, so I said yes and pulled some out of the freezer.

As we were eating, and enjoying those delicious muffins, my youngest daughter was complaining about her blueberries. I don't know why, she's 3.5...it's her age. She complains about anything that strikes her fancy. I was telling her how she loved blueberries, and she always has, ever since she was a baby. They were her favorite fruit. But as I was telling her how much she did like them, I was struck with the memory of how Barry would say Blueberry.

Blu-burr-ee.

He actually adopted this way of saying it from one of his favorite XM Radio Personalities. I can't remember if it was Opie or Anthony, one of the two. Blueberries were Barry's favorite fruit too. He really didn't like the taste of fruit, but was a blueberry eating fool. Actually, this past summer the kids and I were picking LOADS of blueberries, almost 40lbs, and my freezer is still full of berries, a pie, and a few blueberry buckles. He ate a lot of it while he was home in August actually, he loved his Blueberry Pie and Blueberry Buckle. Barry always thought it was funny to say it like that, I can even hear his voice saying it in my head. Blu-burr-ee.

As soon as I remembered this, I pushed it from my mind. I couldn't even bring myself to tell the kids, even though it was funny, because it was a memory.

What is wrong with me? I can't handle the memories. I'm afraid to remember, but I'm also afraid that I will forget if I don't remember. What happens if I don't write all the memories down? Will they fade with time, or will they just pop up like they did this morning? it's too hard for me to write things down unless I'm blogging about it, though I can't blog about every single memory. Some of them are too sad, some are too private, and it's too hard to write about it, even in a journal in list form.

Is this my mind subconsciously making me cope? By making me not ready to write things down? Or is it just biding it's time and waiting for me to be ready?

I wish I knew.

2 comments:

Rina the Mama Bear said...

Maybe it's a subconscious protection thing. You won't forget the memories - I think you are right, they are biding their time till YOU are ready to deal with them.

PS - we say blu-burr-ee too. :)

Crystal said...

I agree with the above- they hurt. You are protecting yourself because you know how strong you have to be for your babies. It is healing to write though, Joanna. I feel like you could probably publish these posts and write about your history and people would love to have your book. You are amazing. I hope you know that.