Sunday, November 08, 2009

So I Couldn't Wait

I guess I got a long enough blogging break, because I have desperately felt the need to blog today. I kept putting it off though, guess I can't anymore.

Let's start off with some happy news. I bought myself a present this past week. Something I've been lusting after for quite some time, but never bought because Barry always said my other one was good enough. But I have wanted this for a very, very, very long time. So I did it! And I LOVE LOVE LOVE it.

Meet the newest member of my family:

I also got this lens for it:

I thought that with all that has been going on the last month, I deserved a treat. And did I ever treat myself! This baby takes such awesome photos!!! I love love love it! Once things settle down for us a bit, I hope to have some photos up on here that I can share to show the camera's awesomeness.

In other news, I've been avoiding grief again. Grief didn't like this, so he came over, breaking down my door in the process.

Friday night was the worst I had been feeling in a long time. Imagine whole body wrenching, shuddering sobs of grief. The saddest you could ever be, and multiply it by 100. I couldn't stop crying for at least a half hour. I was so ANGRY, so very very angry that when I was cleaning up before bed, I was throwing things back into the cupboards. I actually don't think I have cried that hard at all this past month. Yeah, I cried in the hospital, but mostly I was in shock. I screamed and yelled and got angry in the hospital. I cried with my family. But I was in shock for a long time. Getting out that sadness really helped though, I felt better after I cried and spoke to my sister. I think it's something I am going to have to do a bit more often.

I still have moments where I feel panicky. I've had that a lot this weekend, and it's probably because of what happened friday night. The grief keeps coming back bit by bit, and then I panic because I am afraid to feel that pain again. I would akin it to an anxiety attack, yet without the tightening of the chest. I get so scared!

Being without Barry is something I can handle. I think. I certainly don't like it, but then, who would? At least I am used to it. That is when the fear sneaks in though, when I think I am OK, but am not really. I KNOW I CAN do this without him, but I'm scared to be without him. It's even hard to look at his pictures. It hurts to remember. I haven't done any remembering lately at all. Might be time for me to pull out those journals I bought a month ago, and write it all down. One thing I am having trouble with though, is remembering Barry's memories. I know a lot of them, and I want to remember them for the kids. But what do I write down? do I write down the good and the bad? just the good? Do the kids need to remember the bad? I don't want to forget ANYTHING.

Scared, frightened, horrified, worried, distressed, terrified, dismayed, despair, disheartened, . Those are all words I can use to describe how I am feeling.


anno said...

Your loss is heartwrenching.
I'm sending peace your way.

LisaW said...

Congrats on the Rebel! You do deserve a treat, and I'm glad you indulged yourself.

Journals and memories. hmmm. I'm taking an online Scrapping class with Alie Edwards. She talks alot about scrapping the hard stories, and tempering that with not revealing your deep, dark secrets. It's a fine line.

What about a private journal for you, where you don't need to edit the memories. You can just write -- and don't forget to print out your posts and include them.

Then maybe a journal/scrapbook for the kids - maybe even one for each of them. When you are ready. I am sure they will treasure the preservation of memories. If you need ideas, or want help with it, yell ;-)

In the meantime, know that you are still in my thoughts and prayers.

Les@SpillingBuckets said...

Hey, I just found your blog through "Ginger Won't Snap". First off - we got the same exact camera and lens last week. Weird...

We LOVE IT so far. It's our first SLR so we are still getting used to everything.

2nd: I am SO SORRY to hear about your loss. I can't even imagine my fiance dying, I would be beyond devastated. A thousand virtual hugs sent to you and your kids.

Anonymous said...

I found your blog when you first started to write about your husband in the hospital. I lost my husband last week. I'm not quite as young as you and my kids are 19 and 21. I hate being known as a widow now too! But what is worst for me is being just me! I want to be me and him. I too have thought about writing down the memories so we don't forget. I just don't know if I can do it yet. Still having trouble just looking at the pictures without crying. I will continue to read your blog, I don't feel alone in what I am going through knowing there are others out there too, if that makes any sense!