I guess I got a long enough blogging break, because I have desperately felt the need to blog today. I kept putting it off though, guess I can't anymore.
Let's start off with some happy news. I bought myself a present this past week. Something I've been lusting after for quite some time, but never bought because Barry always said my other one was good enough. But I have wanted this for a very, very, very long time. So I did it! And I LOVE LOVE LOVE it.
Meet the newest member of my family:
I also got this lens for it:
I thought that with all that has been going on the last month, I deserved a treat. And did I ever treat myself! This baby takes such awesome photos!!! I love love love it! Once things settle down for us a bit, I hope to have some photos up on here that I can share to show the camera's awesomeness.
In other news, I've been avoiding grief again. Grief didn't like this, so he came over, breaking down my door in the process.
Friday night was the worst I had been feeling in a long time. Imagine whole body wrenching, shuddering sobs of grief. The saddest you could ever be, and multiply it by 100. I couldn't stop crying for at least a half hour. I was so ANGRY, so very very angry that when I was cleaning up before bed, I was throwing things back into the cupboards. I actually don't think I have cried that hard at all this past month. Yeah, I cried in the hospital, but mostly I was in shock. I screamed and yelled and got angry in the hospital. I cried with my family. But I was in shock for a long time. Getting out that sadness really helped though, I felt better after I cried and spoke to my sister. I think it's something I am going to have to do a bit more often.
I still have moments where I feel panicky. I've had that a lot this weekend, and it's probably because of what happened friday night. The grief keeps coming back bit by bit, and then I panic because I am afraid to feel that pain again. I would akin it to an anxiety attack, yet without the tightening of the chest. I get so scared!
Being without Barry is something I can handle. I think. I certainly don't like it, but then, who would? At least I am used to it. That is when the fear sneaks in though, when I think I am OK, but am not really. I KNOW I CAN do this without him, but I'm scared to be without him. It's even hard to look at his pictures. It hurts to remember. I haven't done any remembering lately at all. Might be time for me to pull out those journals I bought a month ago, and write it all down. One thing I am having trouble with though, is remembering Barry's memories. I know a lot of them, and I want to remember them for the kids. But what do I write down? do I write down the good and the bad? just the good? Do the kids need to remember the bad? I don't want to forget ANYTHING.
Scared, frightened, horrified, worried, distressed, terrified, dismayed, despair, disheartened, . Those are all words I can use to describe how I am feeling.