Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Struggling Today

Today I wish it wasn't a holiday, and that I could send the kids on the bus to school again. They have been so bratty today, and I am about to lose my mind. I live for when they're at school, is that bad? At least right now, I want them at school. Honestly, I can't handle them right now, and I am so tired of the fighting, yelling, and bitching at each other. They're all so antagonistic towards each other. Maybe I need to tie their legs together so they can just walk as one, and not 4.

Today I am so BORED. There is so much to do around the house, but I have been hit with a tendinitis flare up, and even typing this is hard. So putting together that shelving unit I bought yesterday, is going to have to wait. As is all the detailed work like folding laundry, and cleaning. I'm basically left with one hand, my right one, to do everything. I don't want to read, I don't want to watch TV, the Internet is boring, the kids are bratty, today sucks. I was thinking of heading to Wall*Hell today, but I am not about to take all the kids to a store to hear them whine about not getting toys, and running all over the place. Plus, I have a cold too, so not being able to breathe through my nose is pretty awful. I woke up at one point during the night because I couldn't breathe.

Today also marks Month Two. Today we started a new month without Barry. I think it is really starting to hit me, and I have been a lot more weepy lately. I just miss him so much! I still don't know how I am going to go on without him. I am, but I don't know how. Sure, it's easy to say moment by moment, but do you know sometimes I wish I could just end all this and be with him. I don't relish the thought of being without my husband for the rest of my life. I don't want the added responsibility that comes with being an "official" single parent.

Most of all, I am so tired of hearing "I'm so sorry for your loss", and "keeping you in our prayers and thoughts". ENOUGH! Just stop it already. I just want advice and support, NOT an I'm sorry. And I'm going to lay it all out here, I am so pissed that some of the family members didn't send cards or call. WTF, are you so into yourself and your own issues that you can't send a card? You can't even send your condolences via email or facebook? Might as well not even try now, it's been a month. Just remember this when you lose someone in your life, and I conveniently forget to send a card or call. Maybe you didn't know Barry very well, or talk to him in YEARS, but shame on you for not even saying an I'm sorry via a card when he died. A stamp only costs $.44 and a card about $3. Is that not worth it to you? Yeah, I know i said I was tired of the sympathy, but it just gets to me that some people, especially FAMILY, didn't care enough about us to send cards or send condolences. I think it's really sad that people are so close minded that they can't take a half hour to buy, address, and send a card when someone dies.

Tomorrow our family grief support starts. I am looking forward to it. I just need to vent to other people that have experienced what I have. I'm still thinking of looking into going to a shooting range. I really need to get out some aggression I think. I'm also going to a grief support group on Monday, on how to prepare/survive the holidays without your loved ones.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.


Kori said...

I don't know you at all. A friend sent me a link to your blog after your husband passed away and I have been stopping by ever since.

Your fighting kids reminded me of a time many years ago when my kids were younger and fighting. I decided to sit them back to back on chairs and then tie them together with the belt from my housecoat. I figured they needed to learn to work together. The funny thing is that the belt actually fell off them while they proceeded to scream and cry. I think they thought they would be stuck together forever :)
Maybe you'd like to give this a try... If anything it will make for a good photo session and a laugh :)

stayyoung & Lady Di said...

You don't know me and somehow I linked up from some one else's blog. Just know there is no right or wrong way to grieve there is not time limit and most of all there is no shut down mode as to when it will overwhelm you.

I will be praying that you will when feel so over whelmed you feel God's presence!! and you feel the love of your husband coming through.
So I send a heavenly hug your way.

Just know when I read each time I am praying for you and each time you don't write I still pray because I know Your Heart is hurting

blessing & Hugs

kristina said...

A friend sent me your blog- my husband died 1 day before yours. My husband had a massive heart attack- he was 41 years old. HE was healthy, no warnings. My little girls ages 7 and 12 found him. They were able to keep him alive for 3 days - most unresponsive -we did have 1 hour where he could blink to respond to me- thank god for that hour.

I just was reading and could have written your posts- many of them word for word!!!!! The other day at the market- my 1st time since my husband died I was stopped over and over -people asking details etc... I was so mad- angry- pissed. And I too HATE many of my husbands family for doing nothing. His dad showed up and has done nothing since- his 2 grandaugters are devasted. My oldest is beyond a mess.
I also stay at home- I work PT in a community position so we had a huge wake/funeral. I know people care but it is so tiresome.

I had been using my facebook to write my thoughts but my family got on my back to stop - guess it was too much for them!!!! I am glad to see my feelings are so normal!
I am sorry for your loss and please know I understand 100%.

Anonymous said...

I feel for you about your kids fighting, I swear I feel I am going to lose my mind DAILY! I have 2 girl's, 4 1/2 and a almost 2 year old. They fight CONSTANTLY, pulling hair, hitting, etc.... My husband is a farmer, so he has really long hours right now and doesn't get home until late, so it's just me ALL DAY LONG. So, girl....I FEEL YA!!
On the Family not sending cards, that is just terrible. I am amazed everyday by my husband's family...they think of no one but themselves. I don't understand that? I get no phone calls from his mom to ask how the kids are doing or that she wants to see them. I mean, she doesn't even work during the day, but she is off getting her hair done, her nails and working out with her personal trainer...all I can say is "MUST BE NICE". UGH!! There is NO EXCUSE for people acting that way and having no compassion for other people, let alone family acting that way. Just let it go, because it will make you hold your head up high and be proud of yourself....your a fighter!

Loves Me Not said...

I came across your blog today and I am so touched by your story and your daily struggles as a mother. I cannot begin to comprehend how hard this must be for you and your children. If you can send me an email please, I would love to be able to do something to brighten your day just a bit :)

Geezees Geezees Custom Canvas Art said...

I hope you have a better day tomorrow!

Thia said...

I just wanted to say something since I haven't commented in a while. Been wrapped up in my own miseries (legal issues and death of my grandmother). Anyways...I don't know if you'll find this funny or not, but I ws reading and thinking that this just sucks for you. It really does. And I wasn't sure I wanted to write a comment with the word "suck" in it. Then you dropped the F one and I was I have to write it. Just crazy...maybe like the way gallows humor is.../shrug.