Tuesday, November 10, 2009

One Month Ago

I have a post in mind for today, but I wanted to say some other things first. First off, I'm writing this Monday night. It's going to be a long post, so be forewarned. I don't have the ability to write this tomorrow morning because I am going to be out most of the day, and I don't want to deal with the emotions that come with writing a post like this. I'm staying away from the house, and keeping busy till the kids get home so I just don't have to think. I've also got a veteran's day assembly tomorrow night to go to. I figured why not write it tonight, Monday night, when I can deal with it all and wake up and not have to worry about writing such an emotional post. I haven't been able to write anything like this yet, and I certainly can't write like this in my journal right now. But I will definitely be keeping these posts for the future. Perhaps I'll even have them bound into a book. So here goes....I'm even crying while writing this intro.

One more thing. I had this post publish at Barry's time of death. 11:11Am.

My Dearest Barry,

I miss you so much honey. I think about you all the time, and I love, love, love you. I'll always love you less than 3. You're my sexy man, you mud stuffin!

One month ago, you were cruelly taken away from me and the kids. Little did I know that on that one Saturday, when I headed to the hospital, I would leave it without you forever. I wasn't even going to go to the hospital because we had to get ready for E's birthday party that afternoon, and I had to go pick up her cake at Safeway. You were going to make her a headstone cake with a candy skeleton, remember? But then when we realized you'd be in the hospital for awhile, we decided I'd go order one instead. Mom told me to go visit you, because it would be nice to see you earlier rather than later. I'm so glad I went.

We had such a nice visit that morning. Joking, laughing, and teasing each other. I remember you were eating your breakfast when I came into your room, and the first thing you said to me was "Hey Baby". I drank some of your OJ and then gave the rest to you because I didn't want to get any germs from you. I will treasure those moments forever. I'll never forget the time that we had. I am sure you know this, because I did tell you once you were conscious, but I was at the hospital day and night. I spent hours there with you in the ICU. I talked to you, rubbed your feet, held your hand, kissed your forehead, put pictures and cards up on your wall, everything. I don't remember saying I love you that morning, but your nurse Amy, told me she had heard us say it. I know we did, we were always saying I love you to each other.

Just a short time after I got to the hospital, I don't even remember what time it was, maybe 45 minutes? you got up to go to the bathroom. That's when it all went downhill. The nurses had me leave, and I called the family, and then they called a code blue. Dr. Christensen came to see me in the stairwell, where I was with a lovely woman named Deb, and told me they couldn't find a pulse. Did you hear me scream? I think everyone on the 10Th floor heard me scream. It made my ears ring. You always said I was too loud, I'm sure you did hear me. Then I ran past Dr Christensen, and ran full speed down the hallway...I didn't even hurt my shins! I forced my way into the hospital room and was at your side. I held your hand, I kissed you, I loved on you as they performed CPR on you. You were turning blue at this point, but I know you heard me talking to you.

Do you remember me telling you how much I love you? How much of a good daddy and husband you were? How you were my best friend? How I would love you forever and always?

Dr Christensen was standing at your head, and I to your left, holding your hand. He came to stand beside me, hugging me, and telling me that they could put you on life support, but that you wouldn't wake up. That you would be a vegetable for the rest of your life because you had been without oxygen for almost 40 minutes at that point. Did you hear that? Did you hear me yell at the doctors that I wasn't a widow? That I was too young to be a widow? That this wasn't happening to me? Did you hear me say that it was OK to stop the CPR, and that I knew you wouldn't want to be a vegetable? Do you know how hard it was for me to say that? To have to know I was saying goodbye to the man I loved? I broke away from the doctor, and went to talk to you again, telling you over and over and over how much I love you, how much the kids love you, how much of a good father you have been, how much of a wonderful husband you have been. How you were my best friend, and I thanked you for sacrificing everything for us. I kissed you and hugged you.

And then they called the time of death and stopped CPR. I was there with you and said goodbye.

Everyone cleared out of the room, the nurses took me to a private room where I was able to call Lisa and Sara to be with me. I don't think I could ever thank them enough for what they did for me. About an hour and a half after you passed, I was allowed to go back into your room to say my final goodbyes. I half layed on the hospital bed beside you, Lisa and Sara put your left arm around me and helped you to hug me. They leaned on my back and just hugged me, as I hugged you. Again I said goodbye, saying all those things I said before. And to tell you again, You were my best friend Barry, I love you more than anything. I will never stop loving you for the rest of my life. I appreciate everything you ever did for us, sacrificing our family time so that you could provide for us. You were the best husband I could have asked for, the very best man I could have ever asked to spend my life with. Our children couldn't have been given a better daddy, you were the best ever!

I had Lisa and Sara leave for about 15 minutes or so, so I could be with you by myself for awhile. You know, I clipped some of your chest hair? I have it saved away. I always loved running my fingers through it. I kissed your lips, I marveled at the fact that parts of you were still warm, and I couldn't stop touching you. I just loved on you.

Telling our kids that daddy died has got to be the HARDEST thing I have ever done in my life. They miss you so much, and they've been having a hard time. A especially because she just doesn't get it. I don't know how I can explain to her how you are never coming back. I've tried, and I think maybe she is starting to understand, but she always says she misses you. We all miss you. We all love you. We're starting family counselling on the 12th, its geared especially towards families and kids that have lost someone like we have. And I am going to a grief support group starting in January, my good friend Rebecca, whom you never got to meet, is going to watch A for me once a week when I go. I think it will be good for me.

I think you would be so proud of me for how I have handled everything this past month. I've been so strong, despite the fact that my heart is breaking. I've done more paperwork than I could have ever imagined, I took care of your trip packs, I did all the insurance paperwork, I took care of the funeral arrangements. I've really stepped up and I know you always wanted me to make something of myself, and I have really taken the first steps towards that. I'm even thinking of writing a book! Everyone has told me how well I can write, I never knew that! It was always you who had that talent in our family. I respond by saying how sad it is that such a tragedy had to happen to make the words flow. But I can do it, and I am good at it!

People have blessed the kids and I considerably. With food, monetary donations, and cards, and love, and friendship. More than I could ever have asked for. And you have blessed us too Barry. I know we didn't expect that life insurance to ever have to be used, but thank you for that. Thank you so very very much for getting that, and seeing to provide for the kids and I after you passed.

I still sleep with your t-shirt under my pillow, and your pillow between my knees. Once in awhile I will wear it, and also wear your deodorant to bed, so the shirt smells like you. I cleaned out your truck, and guess what I found? Your black beanie cap! You also left me close to $80 in change!!! Mike always said you were bad for that, and was he ever right! Doug and Dusty came to your funeral, did you know that? And Jeff N came to pick up your truck shortly after that. it was so hard to see it being driven away, I recorded it with my blackberry, and had Jeff pull the air horn a few times so we could hear it.

At your funeral, did you hear the songs that I picked? I went through your iTunes on your (now my) lap top, and picked the top 4 songs I knew you liked. I know the two you wanted the most, Mars for when the service was starting, and O Fortuna for when it was ending and you were being taken out. You told me you wanted that, and I did it for you baby. I'm glad we were able to talk about that over the years, because it made me so happy to be able to do that for you. And O Fortuna, Barry that is YOUR song! When Mom, Maegen and I were going through the songs, we started laughing when I played it for them. It's so pompous, arrogant...it's you! It is the epitome of you, and I love you for that.

Barry, I love you. You are, and always will be, the man of my dreams. I have loved you since I was 18 years old! The 10 years that we were married, and the 11 that we knew each other were the best of my life. You gave me the best decade of my life! You were my first love, my first everything, and I will never forget you. I could write so much more, but my fingers are getting sore, and I will leave more for another day.

If I could ask you one more question, one last request of you, could you please come visit me in my dreams? I miss you, and I so desperately want to dream of you. To see you in the flesh, to touch you, to hear your voice telling me you love me.

Goodbye for now!

I love you Sexy Man!

Love, Me

p.s. I finally bought that camera. haha :o)


Aimee said...

beautiful Joanna.

Anonymous said...

Your blogs make me cry everyday. If you can find some silver lining then you can know your blogs make me appreciate my husband more every day.

Karen said...

Joanna, what a beautiful letter and tribute to your Barry. Thank you for sharing him with us.

Anonymous said...

Your blog posts always make me cry but this one really made the tears start flowing. I feel so honored that you shared this with us... Thank you. I hope Barry fufills your wish and visits you in your dreams really soon!

Crystal said...

Wow. I have learned so much, you were so lucky to have loved so freely, deeply and completely.

Lilli said...

I cried reading that but I am glad you are sounding so much stronger. Good on your buying the camera and the little ha ha you just had :)

Thinking of you

♥ Joanna said...

I'm sure he's smiling down on you and your family from up in heaven. That was a very sweet blog, and I'm sure difficult to write at times.

Thinking of you!!

Anonymous said...

What an amazing tribute to him. I will keep praying for you all. Oh, and I found this, you might like to see what the song translates to.
YouTube - Orff's O Fortuna - Translated

running wildly said...

Beautiful. So touching. I am in awe of you, sitting here with tears streaming down my face.