Sunday, October 10, 2010

One Year Ago

Ok, let's face it.  Obviously I am in no mood to write right now, or I would have done sooner. Especially since I am leaving this to the last minute, it being 11:30 at night here in Florida.

First things first, we made it into Orlando on time and safely on wednesday morning.  We were able to check into our room early, and have been going full steam since then.  We're having a great time!  Wednesday when we got here, we went swimming in the afternoon, and then had dinner and headed to the Magic Kingdom for a few hours.  Thursday we got up early and went there all day.  We covered half of the park, and went back to the hotel.  Friday we spent at Epcot, and did most everything except Soarin' and Test Track, and Club Cool.  Saturday brought us to Animal Kingdom, where we did everything again, except for the Lion King show which the kids did not want to see. And today the kids and I slept in, ate lunch, went swimming, and back to Epcot for a couple hours.  Missed all three things I mentioned above, but we will hit those up Tuesday early morning.  Tomorrow we are off to Hollywood studios!

Today I felt like a horrible wife and mother, and still feel a bit guilty.  I had plans to do a balloon release with the kids, and also light a candle for Barry that I brought a long, but I forgot to do both of them.  We've been so busy that it completely slipped my mind. So tomorrow, albeit a day late, we will do both.  I dont think Barry would mind, because he would want, no INSIST, that we go out and have fun and not be sad.  And we are, depsite sore feet and being exhausted.

I was remarking on facebook today how different my life is no than it was a year ago.   A year ago today, I woke up in my old house, in my old bed, with a husband very much alive and ready to come home in a few days. I had no idea he would die.  Today I woke up in a strange bed, in FLORIDA, in a Walt Disney World Resort.  Never in my wildest dreams did I expect this to happen, ever. But I have to say, that NONE of this is at all possible without Barry. I  could not do it without him.  All of what we have now is possible because of him.

I've passed the one year mark.  This year has flown by so incredibly fast.  I remember thinking to myself shortly after he died how I never thought I would get to this point.  How far away it seemed.  Yet, here I am.  Still Standing.  A few more grey hairs.  80+ lbs less on my body.  A new house, a new vehicle, MANY many new friends.  And yes, its all a little hard to stomach sometimes.  I'd love to have my old life back.  I know I will never get that though, so its pointless to even dream or think about it too much because it really NEVER will happen, ever.

So now I have to start the 2nd year, and I hope it will be easier.  I was scared for today, I'd been psyching myself up for it because it is such a HUGE milestone.  Perhaps life will get easier for me.  I can only wish.  I miss Barry so much sometimes, wish he was here to love, to talk to, to just be with, and laugh at stupid fart jokes.

This post may seem disjointed, I forced myself to write it.  Not realy feeling it today, which I know is my sub concious trying to avoid everything.  I'm in total vacation mode and want to get back to doing that.  So with that I will end this post.  I wish I had had more to say about Barry, but I just dont want to talk about him. Not to be disrespectful or anything, but I just do not want to right now.  I'm afraid it will make my vacation too sad.  I don't know....

I'm starting to nod off writing this and need to hit "publish post" before midnight.  Otherwise I'll really feel like a failure if it doesn't post on the 10th.

Barry, I love you.  I miss you, and I know you're happy for us for this vacation.  I'm sorry i forgot to light the candle and let the balloons go, but you'd be happy knowing we're off living our life instead of being too sad.  We all miss you and love you.  I'll see you in my dreams darling.  xoxoxoxop

9 comments:

Karis said...

Glad to hear that you guys are having an awesome time!!

Liss said...

I've been thinking of you all day. I'm so glad to read you've been keeping yourself busy - I'm sure that's what Barry would want and it's not like you've forgotten him. I think you did a very smart thing taking the kids somewhere fun at this time.

Much love to you and your babies. Here's to an easier 2nd year xxxx

Rachael said...

Gentle cuddle from me. Thinking of you and sending lots of love to you all. xxxx

Kalei's Best Friend said...

Don't feel u have to post, treat this like a journal.. U don't owe it to anyone but yourself... As far as the balloon release- don't beat yourself up on it... Do it in your own time...Don't apologize- do u think Barry expects it? No, he doesn't.. He expects u to be happy, to not feel u have to do things at the supposed right time... Is there ever a right time?

Tiffany said...

I am glad to hear ya'll are having a great time. I have thought about you and your family often this weekend. I cannot imagine how difficult the past year has been for you.

Tena said...

I've been thinking about you lately Joanna. My thoughts go out to you.

THE FRYOR CLAN said...

I think he would be very proud of how you and the kids have done this year. you are unbelievably strong, you possess a strength that I am not sure I would have in your shoes. I hope you guys have a fantastic vacation!

Hildy said...

Anniversaries can be so hard. I hope the joy of your children and the new happy memories you are creating help, as you grieve your memories of Barry. Thinking of you, and sending you my warmest wishes.

ruthann said...

I just wanted to stop in and leave you some hugs. You've been on my mind lately. I hope that these happy times with your children make this second year easier...you have been such a trooper and I'm so proud of you. I know Barry is too.

With love.