Dear Barry

Dearest Barry,

Hi baby. I haven't written you in a long time, and I feel this intense urge to do so today.  I should have done it last night, but I was so tired from our day in Seattle, that I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  I think if I had, I would be feeling much better right now rather than having woken up in a funky mood.

While we were in Seattle all day, I saw so many things that reminded me of you.  I was with a friend and the kids, and I had trouble holding back the tears on the way home.  I just couldn't cry, I wouldn't let myself.  We were at this one shop, and guess what I found???? A decal (well, a metal one) of the Flying Spaghetti Monster!!! I just laughed and laughed at that one, and bought it! I'm going to put it on the new car (more about that in a bit).  I just love it, but when I was looking at it, and buying it, I was desperately wanting to tell you about it.  Sometimes I have these moments where I just want to pick up the phone and call you, and tell you something about my day, or something funny that you and I would get.  I know you would get a kick out of that.  I wonder what people will think when they see it on the van. I also went to your favorite German store there, the Bavarian Delicatessen in the market.  The last time I was there was with you...and oh I missed you walking into there.  I picked up some Waffeln (ALL MINE mwuhahahaha) and some Pfefferminz Ritter Sport, because those were what you sent me back when we were engaged.  I saw the curry ketchup you liked, and almost bought it, but didn't, because you always liked it more than I. I got some amazing Rye bread too, that you would have loved, and had it this morning toasted with some cheese.  I almost bought some pumpernickel, but passed on that.  It all reminded me of when we'd go to Aldi in Mainz, and get the bread, cheese, all that wonderful food we'd have in our apartment.

Friday I turned 30.  I missed you that day.  I missed my giant birthday cake. I really really missed you honey. Maegen and Katie were here, and we went out for an awesome dinner, and then went to some bars downtown. Me in a bar? Can you believe it? I drank, and had fun, and danced.  It was a great way to ring in my 30s. My 20s were with you, but what will my 30s bring?

I'm buying a new vehicle. After you died, and the van was paid off b/c we were wise to get life insurance on it, things started going wrong with it.  And now the struts need replaced...and only on one side, but that's $500 right there.  Plus the "intake manifold gasket" needs replaced as well, and I just don't feel like shelling out $1200 just for repairs. I've put so much money into it the last 7 months and I'm TIRED of it. I don't want to do it anymore.  Jesse (my mechanic at Midas) told me that its getting to the point where Fords become money pits, and the van has almost 100K miles on it. I need something practical for the kids and I that wont break down so much, or give me a fear of it breaking down, and I will be going the SUV way.  I'm not doing the "swagger waggon" thing anymore haha.  I'm not sure yet if I will trade it in, or sell it outright, but I should get a fair amount for it because it has brand new tires and brand new brakes. Anyway...I just wanted to tell you that I'm getting something new, and I am pretty excited about it!!!

Honestly, it kind of boggles my mind to have all this new stuff.  New house, new body, new clothes, new car, new everything. It's surreal to have all this without you here.  I know you'd be happy for me, and hopefully you trust my judgement enough to know I am doing what I feel is best for the kids and I.  I'm doing as best as I can without you darling, but it is so hard.

Next week the kids and I are headed up to BC for our annual trip to BC.  This time without you. I'm so happy you were able to go last year with us, and we have those memories of our trip to Canada.  It won't be the same without you Barry, but I suppose we have to get used to it because you won't ever be coming back.  Now I'm going to have to go to Karl's and get stroop waffles without you, and not share the droopjies with you, and all that other stuff we loved doing. I miss you so much Barry, I would give anything to have you here with us.

Well, the sun is shining and I need to do some weeding outside before the garden is overrun.  I'll talk to you soon darling.  I love you!

Love,
Me
xoxoxoxp