Realization

I realized recently that Barry will always stay young, while I will always get old.

When you get married, you're supposed to grow old together, die together (or close in age together), and sit on your front porch watching your grandchildren play outside together.  It isn't supposed to be like this, where one stays the same age forever, and the other ages as any normal person would.

Barry is going to stay forever as this young man of 29.  We will be able to look at his photos, and see him from birth to 29, but never more.  And I find that hard to believe, because he will always be daddy, Barry, my husband.  He'll forever be those, but he wont age like us.  I'm older than him now, which is incredibly surreal to me.  I'll be turning 30 in 5 days. He never reached his 30th birthday.  Can I liken it to a vampire? LOL  That's why vampires can never visit their families years down the road, because they look the same as the day they died.  Can you tell I've just finished reading the last Sookie Stackhouse book? "Dead In The Family"? LOL

What's going to happen is that for now, I will get older.  I'll get more grey hair, I'll get more wrinkles, and I will age.  I will eventually look older than Barry, and I don't like that.  And then the kids will start to age, and eventually they will look older than their daddy, and they in turn will get wrinkles and grey hair.  We'll always be older than him, and I can't fathom that, because he was supposed to be here forever.

How will it feel when I am an old woman of 80, and I look at a picture, into the eyes of my 50 years ago deceased husband? Will I still feel the same way I do now about him? Or will it be like looking into a dream, hardly believing he even existed? I guess it is hard to fathom, and will be even then, because in reality, we only spent 11 years together.  11 years is a blink of an eye, when you consider a whole lifetime.  I've also wondered if I am going to get Alzheimer's like my Great Oma did, and perhaps talk about Barry like he is still around, and like I am still the 29 year old I was when he passed.

I wish I could freeze time. Just freeze it right now where I am. I could stay the same age, Barry will always stay the same age, and the kids will too.  That way I don't have to face the realization that I will get old, and he will not.

And I think this is also why I am so apathetic about my upcoming 30th birthday on the 16th. I don't want to get old. I don't want to age.