Thursday, July 15, 2010

Comparing Today to Last Year

Today I am celebrating my last day of being 29, my last day in my 20s.  Without Barry.

Last year, on this day, we were preparing to go to Canada the very next day.  Barry was getting mad because the lawn was so long, and had to go to Lowes to get new lawn mower blades and a socket set.  I was packing for our upcoming trip, and it was super hot outside.  He was a little cranky, I remember that, because I had let the grass get too long while he was gone. haha.

And today, life is so incredibly different.  I'm a single mom.  I'm on my very last day of being 29.  I weigh 78lbs less than I did a year ago. I've got vodka and tequila in the freezer in preparation for my sister and a friend and I to drink! lol  I'm sitting inside while my kids are outside playing in the sun, taking a break from cleaning because I'm going to have company all weekend.  Trying to figure out what I will be wearing tomorrow night when we go out for dinner and to the bar.

One year ago today I NEVER could never have fathomed this day.  I think if someone had told me how different life would be today compared to last year, I would have laughed hysterically.  Last year Barry and I were concerned with telling my family we were moving to Pennsylvania.  RIGHT NOW I'm supposed to be in Pennsylvania, or moving there, not being here in Washington still wondering why I'm having to celebrate my 29th birthday without my husband. Sorry, my DEAD husband.  Sometimes I still have trouble believing he is dead.  Really? he's DEAD? what do you mean? it just doesn't seem possible.  I can't accept it, and I don't think I ever will.  I may move on, I will fall in love again, and I will probably get remarried one day, but I will never accept the fact that he died.  It's just not fair, it's not supposed to happen. I don't understand why he is dead.  Why is he dead?

To sum up the last 10 years, I still don't think how I could even fathom this day compared to 10 years ago.  On my 20th birthday, Barry and I were just barely married, I was pregnant with the twins, and we were at a flea market in Germany.  Life has changed so much in ten years, I can't even begin to imagine what the next 10 years are going to bring me.  In 10 years, I met the man of my dreams, I lived in so many houses, in 2 different countries and continents, I moved all over WA state. I weathered many financial ups and downs with Barry, supported him through many job changes, bought and sold our first house.  Got pregnant and gave birth to 4 wonderful children.  Loved Barry with all my heart, and watched him die in front of my eyes, screamed and yelled at the doctors that this wasn't real, that I wasn't a widow.  That I was too young to be a widow.  And I became a single mom. A widow.

I hope that the next 10 years of my life are better, happier.  I've heard that the 30s are better than the 20s.   I don't know how much more heartbreak I can take. This is a big step for me, as was New Years eve.  Now I'm not only starting a new decade without him, but a whole new age. My 20s will be my years with Barry, but what will my 30s be?  I know it will be a good decade for me. I just know it.  In the next ten years, we will face even more life changes... V, M and E will graduate high school and leave the house. I will have a job, and hopefully be a best selling author.  I hope I will be remarried and in love with the man of my dreams.  I hope the next 10 years are good.    But I know that if I want them to be good, i have to do my very best to make them so.

Dinner reservations are made for tomorrow night, I have some special people coming to help me celebrate my birthday over dinner, and then my sister, our friend and I are going bar hopping.  Kind of funny, but just now my special birthday song came on as I was listening to iTunes.  I'll try write about that tomorrow.

Happy Birthday To Me!


Lacey said...

Happy Birthday!

You made me cry.... gosh darn it!

Kalei's Best Friend said...

Sounds like u have come a long way... and I hope u are patting yourself on your back.. U've undertaken a huge responsibility.. I bet u have amazed yourself...I like your confidence, keep it up... it will get soaked in by your children..