Saturday, July 10, 2010

Nine Months In

It's Thursday night, almost 10PM, on July 8th, and I started to write this post early.  I have so many thoughts going through my head right now about what life was like 9 months ago.

Nine months ago today (Thursday), Barry was taken off the ventilator.  Coincidentally, it was also a Thursday.  It was also our daughter E's 7th Birthday that day.  Tomorrow, 9 months ago, will have been the day I didn't want to go visit Barry because he was so cranky from the sedation, but went anyway because my mom told me I would regret it if I didn't.  Nine months ago tomorrow, will also mark 9 months that I had got my long awaited sewing machine that I just can't bare to open yet.  I don't know why, but I just can't do it. I look at it every day, but the box sits unopened in my office area.

I've thought about something else a lot too, and that thought my life better without Barry?  That is a very hard question for me to answer, because I can argue both sides.  Is my life better without him? If I want to argue the "No" side, it would be because he is gone. No, life is not better, because he is no longer with us.  He is gone, and I am a single mom with four children to raise on my own.  No, because I miss him terribly, and I cry for him, and he's not here for me to talk to.  He's not here to help me raise the kids, to love us, to be with us.  He's GONE. And life simply is not better because of that.

But if I were to say Yes, life is better because he is gone, I would feel guilty for answering that way.  But honestly, I can say that some aspects of life are better because he is gone. First off, I have lost weight. I know that I wouldn't have really lost the weight if he was still here.  I may have tried and tried, but I would have given up just as many times.  But now, I really have lost weight.  I've lost about 75lbs!  I also have a house now.  We didn't know when we would ever own again, and now we have a (possibly) forever home thanks to him.  I also have so many more friends now.  The vast majority of these friends came into my life after Barry died, and they in a sense have become part of my family.  Rebecca, Jason, Greg, Christy and so many others.  I wouldn't have met these wonderful people if Barry was still around.  They have helped somewhat to fill the void that Barry left.

There are so many different answers to these two questions, I can't just pin it down.  9 months ago I never in my wildest dreams imagined that I would be where I am today.  9 months ago I was in a hospital room with my husband, expecting him to come home the following Monday. Now 9 months in, I'm a widow, I have a house, I'm financially secure, I'm thinner, I have more friends, and I miss my husband.


Thia said...

And you can't feel guilty about saying "yes," b/c it is what it is and you are doing what you can with what you have.
It's good to hear from you now and then!

Chrissy said...

I have found that my life is different than before... In some ways better because I've come along way on my own... Then there are times where I miss having my husband...yes I am lonely... When I was in a relationship prior to this year, I wasn't conscious of being lonely, as much as now, probably because of the obvious...As far as friends, yes, it did seem as tho I had alot but now it seems they have gone on w/their lives.. Guess that is good? Guess that means that they think I've made it through?

Shannon said...

I've read your blog off and on and had similar thoughts. All those things you wanted together (weight loss, nice home, financial freedom, new things) are happening, and you go it alone. It is such a deep and personal reflection. Is your life better without your husband? Of course not! These things could have been achieved with him even if on a different time table. You didn't trade him in for this life.
But with death comes change and change had to happen. It is wonderful that things have changed for the better.