Sunday, July 04, 2010

I came in this afternoon from shooting some pics with my Canon Rebel, and sat down at the computer to look through the pictures that I shot.  While waiting for the pics to upload, I logged onto face book to change my profile picture.  I was scrolling through my profile pictures, looking for a photo to use as my new one, when I came across one of the few photos I have of Barry on there.  And I started to get a little teary eyed.

I looked into his beautiful blue eyes and missed him.  I miss him.

We have settled so well into our new life here in our new house.  Almost too well I think.  I don't think about him all the time.  Is that bad? I just find myself so pre-occupied with everything else that is going on, that I forget him.  Don't get me wrong, I do think of him every single day, but not like I used to.  It's hard to explain I guess.  He's not here, so it's easy to go about day to day life without him. But then days like today happen, we get a little memory, and we're sad.  That is OK though.  I can't remember many things with him. I can, but he is fuzzy to me.  I have mentioned this before, but he really is like a dream.  Doesn't seem real.  Like I dreamed the last 11 years of him.   Did you know that this December 18th will mark 12 years ago that I met him? 12 years ago.  It seems a lifetime ago.

 On Father's Day, the kids and I went to Build A Bear, and made teddy bears with his ashes in them.  Maybe I shouldn't say ashes, because they were more than ashes.  Maybe its a little morbid to share this, but cremated remains have chunks of bone in them.  So we made teddy bears with his cremated remains, full of his chunks of bone.  Gross eh? haha I just have to laugh b/c I had to explain that to the kids.  Anyway, I had extra ashes after the cremation, and took to the funeral home to have them put in canisters for us.  I still have extra ashes even after that! We each put a canister in our Barry Bears, and after all was said and done, the kids were shaking them, because we could hear the ashes inside.  I jokingly said to V that if she kept shaking "daddy", she was going to give him brain damage, and she looked at me and said "No Mommy, I'm going to give him Ash damage". LOL  We all cracked up over that.  I know Barry would appreciate us laughing at things like that.  But I also cried that day too, when I was getting my Barry Bear's heart ready to put inside him (if you've done build a bear, you know what they do with the little stuffed heart that goes in the bear).  Since that day, my Barry Bear has sat on my desk.  Just looking at me.  But the other night, he came to bed with me as I was sad and tired.  I cried myself to sleep with "Barry" in my arms.  It felt good to hold him, what little bit I could, in my arms again.

I looked through pictures of him as a child the other day.  It amazes me how much our children look like their daddy.  The boy is exactly like him, exactly....except he is tall and skinny, whereas Barry was tall and stocky. And A has the exact same scrunched up faces that Barry made as a child in his photos.  E and V also look just like him in some of the pictures.  It might be a certain look on their face, or his in a photo, or just a smirk I see, the way they do something or laugh.  But he truly lives on through these four beautiful children we made.  How am I going to handle it when M is a teenager and looking just like his daddy? Will that make it harder for me to see his face every day?  Or will it be a blessing to be able to see Barry through our son? I have wondered this so many times.

Now being that it is the 4th of July, I have to dry my tears, pull myself together, and go bbq some hot dogs for the kids and I.  Fireworks tonight!!!


Kaylee said...

wooo, that had me crying. you are so brave. good post.

Chrissy said...

That is so sweet u all made bears.. My middle one mentioned how when she shook her urn she could hear the bones .. she said she felt comforted..U will never forget him... This june, I had a hard time, since it was my husband's anniversary death month..Too many things went on that troubled me ... which triggered me remembering my husband...Right now I wish he were here to help me figure out what to do w/a dilemma w/my son..He would have the answer for sure.

Jason said...

Finally getting a chance to read up on your blog. Man, you're good.

Jessica said...

Like Matthew McConaughey says, "Just keep livin'." :)