Thursday, June 10, 2010

In Memory

I haven't blogged in about three weeks now, we've been so busy living our lives.  I'll give a bit of an update in the next few days, but I have to first talk about Barry.

Eight months ago today I became a widow. Eight months ago my entire world was shattered as I held my husband in my arms and the doctors called the time of death. 11:11AM.  Eight months ago a new life began as I started a life without Barry, and just the kids and I.

And I miss him every. single. day.

And I still have trouble believing he is gone.  I don't think I will every get over that, ever.  It is completely impossible for me to accept his death, to come to terms with the fact that such a strong life force was snuffed out like a mere candle.  He shouldn't be dead, that sort of thing just doesn't happen.  Really, why should a healthy 29 year old man die? WHY?

I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving and that's different. I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my loved one and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and love into the rest of my life. That person is part of me and always will be, and sometimes I will remember him with joy and other times with a tear. Both are okay.
  I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are just some things in life that are not acceptable.

Today I will shed a tear, or many, for the man that I have lost.  


Rina the Mama Bear said...


You should not be expected to 'forget' or 'get over it'. Anyone who doesn't understand that is ignorant. I hope today goes smoothly for you.

Vanessa Maree said...

I have been reading your blog for a while now and although I can't imagine how you feel, my heart breaks for you and the grief you are experiencing and walking through. Thank-you for being real and for sharing part of the journey here on your blog. I experienced the sudden loss of my brother and dad in a year and a half, and although the grief is entirely different, I understand a piece of what you feel.

I agree that we don't have to accept death. I think our society often wants to tie things up and present them in nice neat packages, but that's not the way it is. I think we struggle with death so much because we were created to live forever, not to die. And so it doesn't fit.

Thanks for your thoughts and for your courage.

Chrissy said...

U mention age.. People said the same to me as well when mine was taken.. Maybe age isn't the issue? Maybe time was the factor... Hope u aren't offended by that.. After 9 years, I understand it...Or at least I've come to terms... For me, it was a wakeup call to learn to make decisions on my own, to learn my strengths and to know that I can do whatever comes my way...I posted a blog a few days ago on the anniversary of my husband's passing.. Mine is a bit different and I equated it w/other facts...But I must agree your post is what I was feeling years ago... Just know he's watching over u and the kids and always will.

Miss Grace said...

I'm sorry.

Cindy said...

{{{hugs}}} Take care Joanna.

Anonymous said...

I catch myself having 'fantasies' about my wife dying. Not because I wish for her death but because I'm terrified of it happening. In my fantasies I map out all the things I would do in those hours, days, weeks after she is gone. I need to plan for it because I don't think I would be able to function without her in my life.

The fact that you are out of bed and able to post anything is an amazing thing to me. Best wishes.

Jessica said...

Just remember that however you grieve is the exact right way to grieve.

Naomi said...

you are one brave woman. I love your honest writing. Naomi.