I haven't written you in awhile and thought I might like to write you a letter today.
Things here are going OK as they can be, but we miss you so much. I've found myself forgetting about you just because it's easier to get through the day. But please know that I don't really forget, I just close the pain off from my heart and my mind so that I can manage. I find that if I think about you too much I feel anxious and panicky. That happened today when I was on my way out to run some errands, I drove by the hospital and immediately thought about you and your last moments, the last time I looked into your eyes. And immediately I started to feel anxious and stressed, and I had to force myself to stop thinking about it. I just couldn't handle it. Please don't be upset with me for managing this way, I just don't know any way else to do it. You'll be happy to know I am going to grief support starting on the 13th. I wasn't sure I wanted to go, but I am looking forward to going. It's for 6 weeks and its for 2.5 hours every Wednesday. I think it will be good for me, very good, I need the support of people who have been through this too. Sometimes I just want to clench my fists, scream and stomp my feet because I'm so angry that you had to leave us. Dammit this isn't fucking fair! Why did you get taken away from us when so many other people deserved to go before you??
We barely got through Christmas without you, that was so hard. And believe it or not, our anniversary wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I thought about you most of the day, and thought about our wedding day, and all the wonderful memories we have of that day. You sewing me into my dress, the fact that we spoke more German than the translator, PIZZA HUT!!!, Tiramisu at the restaurant across from our hotel, all those fun and wonderful things. New Years Eve was the hardest day for me, apart from Christmas. I felt like I was leaving you behind in 2009. I didn't want to start the new year without you. I DON'T want to do this without you. I was afraid on new years eve because that meant that I was leaving behind the last year I had with you, you'll never be in another year with us. And that was so incredibly hard to accept. But here I am, it's January 7th, and I'm doing it. Doesn't make it any easier though, I miss you so much.
I decided that this year, 2010, I was going to make it start with a BANG! All of the decisions I have made, all the choices I have made, I have heard your voice in my head giving me your opinion. Thank you for guiding me along the way. Thank you for leaving us a legacy, providing for us even in death. I bet you know that I am buying a house! I am!!! I met with the realtor today and even went to look at some properties today. I am going to try keep the kids in their school if I can, but if not, I have a few places in mind that are elsewhere. Kids will adjust I guess, right? You always said that. I'm going to try find a 5 bedroom if I can, but if not, a 4 bedroom will have to do for now. Remember that development right down the road from us where they were building all the new homes? I looked at one home there, and I loved it. Not sure it has enough bedroom space, but I'm keeping it in mind. I also went back to the gym! I am finally going to make this the year I lose it and keep it off. I am going back tomorrow! Keep an eye out for me, ok? You can watch my butt from behind, I know you always liked doing that! :)
Well my dear, it is getting to be time for me to make the kids dinner. Tonight I'm making scrambled eggs, bacon and hash browns.
I don't know when I will write again, but please know that I am keeping you close to my heart, and I will always and forever love you. Come visit me in my dreams. I miss you sexy man!