This is how I feel.
"I'm still alive, but I'm barely breathing...when a heart breaks, no it don't break even. I'm fallin' to pieces, I'm fallin' to pieces...what am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?"
Today I was reading through my status updates back from October, through to now, and just sat at my computer sobbing, my shoulders shaking as I cried into my hands. Big crocodile tears running down my cheeks and onto my t-shirt.
I miss Barry. I miss him so much. I feel like the grief hits me at the most random times, when I least expect it to. And I'm LONELY. so so so lonely.
I wonder if my forgetting is just not a good thing. Probably not, right? I need to see a counselor, and badly. I just haven't had the time to make the phone call to look around. I did call the chaplain at the hospital to see if they could give me any recommendations, but I haven't heard back from them yet.
Most of all I am having trouble dealing with the reality of the situation. I thought I had dealt with it, but I don't think I have. Sure I don't get to talk to Barry on the phone all the time, and I'm starting to forget what that was even like. And it's only been 3 months. Most of all I miss the companionship. Having someone there to listen to me, to talk to me, to love me, and just be there with me.
So I just push the pain aside, go through my day to day life, and try to find other avenues for my loneliness. Yesterday afternoon I took my youngest daughter to the lake near our house, and shot some awesome pics of the Capitol building. Some were so awesome that I am going to frame them and put them in my new house! I dont know what else to do to combat the loneliness though. The gym is helping, I go as often as I can, 3-4 times a week for an hour or two. I talk on the phone to my friends, which helps somewhat. Or I just spend time aimlessly looking at the computer, and do nothing. I've been meaning to break open my sewing machine, but I don't want to set it up until I have a house.
I stepped away from the computer for an hour while I was writing this and lost my train of thought. I'll try to continue it later. Sometimes I find it difficult to get back into the groove if I've stepped away.