Thursday, January 21, 2010

I'm Fallin' To Pieces

This is how I feel.

"I'm still alive, but I'm barely breathing...when a heart breaks, no it don't break even. I'm fallin' to pieces, I'm fallin' to pieces...what am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?"

Today I was reading through my status updates back from October, through to now, and just sat at my computer sobbing, my shoulders shaking as I cried into my hands. Big crocodile tears running down my cheeks and onto my t-shirt.

I miss Barry. I miss him so much. I feel like the grief hits me at the most random times, when I least expect it to. And I'm LONELY. so so so lonely.

I wonder if my forgetting is just not a good thing. Probably not, right? I need to see a counselor, and badly. I just haven't had the time to make the phone call to look around. I did call the chaplain at the hospital to see if they could give me any recommendations, but I haven't heard back from them yet.

Most of all I am having trouble dealing with the reality of the situation. I thought I had dealt with it, but I don't think I have. Sure I don't get to talk to Barry on the phone all the time, and I'm starting to forget what that was even like. And it's only been 3 months. Most of all I miss the companionship. Having someone there to listen to me, to talk to me, to love me, and just be there with me.

So I just push the pain aside, go through my day to day life, and try to find other avenues for my loneliness. Yesterday afternoon I took my youngest daughter to the lake near our house, and shot some awesome pics of the Capitol building. Some were so awesome that I am going to frame them and put them in my new house! I dont know what else to do to combat the loneliness though. The gym is helping, I go as often as I can, 3-4 times a week for an hour or two. I talk on the phone to my friends, which helps somewhat. Or I just spend time aimlessly looking at the computer, and do nothing. I've been meaning to break open my sewing machine, but I don't want to set it up until I have a house.


I stepped away from the computer for an hour while I was writing this and lost my train of thought. I'll try to continue it later. Sometimes I find it difficult to get back into the groove if I've stepped away.


Randy and Julie said...

Ive been reading your blog since your husband passed away. One of my friends on FB posted a news clip of your family after his passing. I dont want to sound just like everyone else but Im so sorry this happened and sorry that your lonley... I cant begin to imagine. Thank you for writing, I dont comment but I do read. Julie

Thia said...

I wish I could reach through the computer and give you a long hug. I was praying for you last night.

Kity said...

I know I dont know you, but my Best Friend and I follow your blog regularly. I can feel your broken heart through your posts! We both really feel for you!! You have inspired me to start my own blog and now have
Like I tell my kids, no matter what the situation is, you have to find the positive in it. I guess thats what Im known for, finding the positive in whatever life throws at me. You have my blog name and can contact me at any time! You have Nevada and Northern Cali's support!!!! Hang in there Girl and Love your Babies!!!

Doris said...

I am so sorry about how lonely you feel. You have support from Dawson Creek, BC. Take care of yourself.