Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Facing My Own Mortality

Without even knowing it, I've been running myself ragged the last six months, and especially so the last few weeks or so as we got ready to, and moved. This resulted in my getting sick, and not being able to shake it.

I thought I was doing fine, I just had a cold with a cough,and a bit of congested chest and nose, and finally felt like I was on the mend yesterday. But then starting late afternoon, my throat started to hurt and I just started having a feeling of general malaise. Towards the end of the evening though, it started to get worse and worse,, and I was laying on the couch barely able to get up. I was very cold, yet I didnt have a fever and the house was warm. I went to bed on time, and intended to get up at 6:30Am to exercise on my new Elliptical machine. Nuh Uh! My body had other plans. When I went to bed, I was freezing, huddled under the covers and feeling like I was in a sauna. I sure felt nice and hot under there, it was wonderfully toasty warm. Throughout the night though, I kept waking up in a feverish state, dreaming crazy things and tossing the covers off over and over, and all over the place. I woke up at 5:30, and promptly changed my alarm to my regular school day wake up time. No way I was getting up at 6:30AM. It turns out I DID have a fever, almost 101!! I just popped a few motrin an hour ago, and I am starting to feel slightly normal. But I am so sweaty from my fever that my back was as wet as when I am done working out. Ewww!

Anyway, last night as I lay huddled under my covers, all toasty warm, I was actually scared to go to sleep. I actually considered trying to stay up all night because I was afraid I was so sick I wouldn't wake up. I didn't want to leave the kids with no parents.

That was the first time I actually felt like that, and was scared for my own life. I know I just have a touch of the flu, but that's how Barry got sick. And now he's dead. I don't know if I'd call that a form of PTSD, but I was definitely scared. I had to calm myself down as best as I could, and let sleep overcome me. I remember feeling relieved when I woke up at 5:30 this morning, kind of thinking "I'm not dead!". I guess we'll all have to face our own mortality sooner or later, but at least I can be rest assured that I have at least one more day to live.

That being said, I'm going to go snooze on my couch. I'm fading fast and I am so exhausted. I see a lot of orange juice in my near future.


Chrissy said...

Try having a squeeze of lemon in hot water and honey.. It will cure ya, believe me.. And yes, I know how you feel!.. Responsibility is something, isn't it...

Liss said...

Oh you poor thing! I hope you're feeling better soon - keep us updated xx

A NURSE said...

Hi, just found your blog thru another blog...I live in BC ....if you ever need to assess yourself...here is an assessment tool you can use...it also offers home treatment if you click on that link. Take care of yourself.
Wish I could help u... (HUG)