I hate being asked the hard questions.
I realized last night that I hadn't really told everyone how Barry died.
Someone asked me on facebook and it just hit me how I hadn't told anyone. Only the close friends and family know, with the exception of everyone that came to the Memorial service.
But the thing is, I just don't want to talk about it. It was so tragic, so awful, that it hurts my heart to relive it. At least I have comfort that I was able to be with him as he passed. But again, that in itself is not always enough.
Yes, I got to say goodbye. But I said goodbye. I will never hear my husband call me again, say "Hey baby". We won't ever do our little "I love You" smooch "I love you" smooch "I love you" smooch hang up the phone ritual ever again. I never get to feel his arms around me. Never get to hear him laugh and tease and have fun with the kids. Never get to smell him. Oh god did he ever smell good, he had such an amazing scent. Never get to tickle his collar bone again. Never hear him on the other end of the phone.
Never. Everything is over. How can I go on being a good mommy when I feel so destitute? I feel like I have no hope right now. How will we ever be happy again without him here?
I suppose in time I will be ok to share how it happened, but not right now.