Saturday, October 17, 2009

I don't want to talk about it

I hate being asked the hard questions.

I realized last night that I hadn't really told everyone how Barry died.

Someone asked me on facebook and it just hit me how I hadn't told anyone. Only the close friends and family know, with the exception of everyone that came to the Memorial service.

But the thing is, I just don't want to talk about it. It was so tragic, so awful, that it hurts my heart to relive it. At least I have comfort that I was able to be with him as he passed. But again, that in itself is not always enough.

Yes, I got to say goodbye. But I said goodbye. I will never hear my husband call me again, say "Hey baby". We won't ever do our little "I love You" smooch "I love you" smooch "I love you" smooch hang up the phone ritual ever again. I never get to feel his arms around me. Never get to hear him laugh and tease and have fun with the kids. Never get to smell him. Oh god did he ever smell good, he had such an amazing scent. Never get to tickle his collar bone again. Never hear him on the other end of the phone.

Never. Everything is over. How can I go on being a good mommy when I feel so destitute? I feel like I have no hope right now. How will we ever be happy again without him here?

I suppose in time I will be ok to share how it happened, but not right now.


Crystal said...

I am so incredibly sorry for you. I feel just terrible that you have experienced what, for most of us, is one of our worst fears. I never understand why these things happen to people who are so loved and needed, leaving people with an open gap and broken heart behind. One day, we will understand all things, but it will not be in this life, just know this: There are many who want for your heart to heal and for you to feel peace and love.

Best of luck. I am thinking of you and praying for you.

Anonymous said...

I stumbled across your blog and have been reading it for the last hour. I don't know you but my heart breaks for you and your children. In this life I will never understand why these things happen and question God. My mother and mother-in-law are social workers for the NICU in a hospital, being a new mother this year I have asked them to not tell me about the bad cases because I cannot handle it very well. I just don't get it. What I do know is that God's heart is breaking for your family and he cries when you cry just as you do for your children. One of my families tragedies happened my first year of college when my sister accused my father of molesting her growing up. As you can imagine this tore a hole in our family in more ways than one. I don't tell you this to make you sad but to tell you the one constant that got me through my hardest moments in life was my relationship with Jesus Christ. He was/is my calm in the storm. He is my sanity. Tell Him your feelings, question Him, seek answers, He will NOT disappoint you.