Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Numbness then Anger

I am numb. I feel like I just have no emotion right now. Nothing but anger.

Yet I feel guilty for laughing with my sister, for giggling into the nighttime as we talk in bed beside each other, laughing at funny things and how I talk when I am half asleep. I feel guilty for being normal, for going about my day without being a snivelling mess. I'm so used to being by myself with the kids that I feel ok with him not here, but only because i am used to it. He's hardly here most of the time anyway, I just miss talking to him! And I just feel guilty for feeling ok with that.

I feel guilty for not breaking down when I was planning his service and picking out his urn. But I did cry when the funeral director told me they had his body and he would be cremated today. And I did cry when I read his obituary in the paper. I am even ok a bit with seeing his pictures now. Last night I put together his memory board and it was ok, I was just fine with doing it. I got a little teary eyed, but the crying now happens only when i remember little things. And I feel guilty for not sleeping in his t-shirt last night. I felt I was ok to use my regular pajamas.

I cleaned out part of his truck this morning. I was laughing at some of the stuff. He was looking for his black beanie cap and didn't even know where it was. I found it. I also found bottle after bottle of half used water, gatorade, powerade, orange juice, and diet coke. He was notorious for not finishing what was in a bottle. And I probably found close to $60 in change, if not more. I'd say closer to $75.

The things I miss are how I won't see him standing at his sink anymore shaving his head and beard. How i won't hear him laugh. How I won't see him smile. HOw I won't get another text message, phone call, email. How I won't get woken up by a bbm or text saying "time to get up baby".

I'm having so much trouble coming to the finality of it all. It DOESN'T seem real. How can someone who loved life so much be here one minute and gone the next? Why? I feel like this is all a bad dream and he will just pop right in here and say hi. It doesn't make sense why he is gone. WHY WHY WHY ">WHY WHY.

And besides numbness, I have been ANGRY. FUCKING ANGRY at him. Why did he leave me so unprepared? Why do I have to shoulder all this responsibility right now? He was going to put more RAM in my computer, but who does that now? Who is going to hang up the bike hooks in the shed and fix the coffee table? Who has to get the brakes fixed? Who's going to remind me to check the fluid levels in my van? Who's going to put in the weed eater thread. Who's going to hang up pictures? Who am I supposed to talk to when I have a problem, when I don't know what to do about something? Who is going to help me make major decisions? Who IS going to make the big decisions? Who is going to fill in the holes that the dog dug? Who is going to hug me and kiss me and love me? Who is going to smack my ass again?

How on earth am I going to do all this? how? I DON"T KNOW. He never showed me how to do it! I dont know when to check it, how to check it, how to do any of it. I absolutely hate with every fiber of my being, the fact that I am being stuck with this responsibility. I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to be a single mom, I don't want to be a widow, I don't want to be financially responsible for 5 people and 3 pets. I DON'T WANT TO DO IT. I am so furious right now, so angry that I just want to scream and yell and ask him why he did this to me. Why didn't he think to prepare me more for anything?

Yesterday I was so mad that I had to buy outfits. That I had to buy everyone new shoes, each girl a dress, me some pants and a nice top, myself a new coat, the boy pants and a dress shirt. And when are we ever going to wear this crap again? Do I really want to wear the funeral clothes again? I know we probably can, but still. UGH.

I am just so angry. So very very angry.

8 comments:

Liss said...

Oh I would be feeling like you are feeling I am sure!!!! Angry, lost, ripped off!

All in all you seem so together - but remember you are still in a fair amount of shock and reality hasn't really hit yet. Funerals always tend to bring out the reality.

Keep writing, keep sharing, keep documenting - this is all helpful. You and the kids are not far from my thoughts always xx

lil said...

How did I link to your blog? Maybe thru my niece, Heidi? Anyway, I am GLAD you are writing down your thoughts and feelings!!
I only read today's, not what you've written before, but I'm sure there will be many stages!! I've only lost parents who were older, but I still feel like they left me on purpose!! So keep on writing and you'll process this stuff for years, I'm sure!!
( I am so sorry you're in this situation and that you've lost your husband!! I just don't want to sound trite, but I can't say that I know what you're going through!)

Anonymous said...

Joanna,

My name is Beth I am a friend of Tammy Boring. She wrote to me and told me of your situation...why did she do that??? My husband died 4 years ago of a massive heart attack and left me with 4 kids to raise on my own. I know exactly what you're going through. Welcome to the Roller Coaster of emotions!! It is the wildest ride you've ever been on and there's no telling when it will end! There are still days when tears will just well up in my eyes for no reason (or at least apparent to me at the time) then later I'll remember a memory of Tim at that location or something like it.

What you described in your last blog was a perfect description of how my days looked following Tim's passing. I had so many plans to make, decisions to make, and kids to take care of that I went to "mommy" mode, put my head down and get it all done! As long as I was focused and "taking care of" business I did good...I felt normal. It wasn't until everything was done...making funeral arrangements, newspaper announcements, memorial, family gatherings....then the tears came!!!

I can only say to you now...everything you are feeling is normal and right on track. One day will be good and another day won't. Let yourself feel the wide range of emotions that will come and don't feel guilty at all. The only cure for grief is TIME...and each of us will process things in our own way...and that's OK!!

If you ever want to talk to someone who's been in your shoes, please feel free to contact me...I'm a good listener and I've walked the path you're on right now and have a unique perspective on the matter.

Call Tammy Boring for my number...I'm always available!

Beth Koontz

KAR said...

Your post moved as few do. There are so many mixed feelings that come with grief and it seems like you are feeling all of them at one time.

Please know that my thoughts are with you today.

Mimi said...

Joanna, I'm thinking of you today. I'm sorry for everything you have gone through, and everything that is to come. Do keep writing, do keep feeling, do keep loving... Hugs and prayers for you and your beautiful family... Mimi

Demara said...

Ya I think if I were you I would keep everything real simple, but I'm sure if his family had a say they'd be wanting everything to be done the way it's 'suppose' to be done.

But I know my Jeff wouldn't care. He'd just want everyone to remember him and those things that he enjoyed.

I don't think what you wear is THAT important. Don't worry about it.

I'm sure if you are dressed that's all that matters. Heck! I'd probably go in wearing his clothes...and have all the kids wear their favourite clothes. The clothes HE saw you all wearing!!

That's what I'd do.

I like that you have a sister! I wish I had siblings...like that.

BabeeLove said...

I am in tears reading this post. Thank you for sharing and getting your anger out. I hope this helped a bit. Just keep writing and we'll keep reading and being there for you. I am so sorry for your unexpected lose. I would be angry too. {hugs}

running wildly said...

Weeping here. I can feel your heart crying out through your words. Continuing to pray for your peace and comfort....