I am numb. I feel like I just have no emotion right now. Nothing but anger.
Yet I feel guilty for laughing with my sister, for giggling into the nighttime as we talk in bed beside each other, laughing at funny things and how I talk when I am half asleep. I feel guilty for being normal, for going about my day without being a snivelling mess. I'm so used to being by myself with the kids that I feel ok with him not here, but only because i am used to it. He's hardly here most of the time anyway, I just miss talking to him! And I just feel guilty for feeling ok with that.
I feel guilty for not breaking down when I was planning his service and picking out his urn. But I did cry when the funeral director told me they had his body and he would be cremated today. And I did cry when I read his obituary in the paper. I am even ok a bit with seeing his pictures now. Last night I put together his memory board and it was ok, I was just fine with doing it. I got a little teary eyed, but the crying now happens only when i remember little things. And I feel guilty for not sleeping in his t-shirt last night. I felt I was ok to use my regular pajamas.
I cleaned out part of his truck this morning. I was laughing at some of the stuff. He was looking for his black beanie cap and didn't even know where it was. I found it. I also found bottle after bottle of half used water, gatorade, powerade, orange juice, and diet coke. He was notorious for not finishing what was in a bottle. And I probably found close to $60 in change, if not more. I'd say closer to $75.
The things I miss are how I won't see him standing at his sink anymore shaving his head and beard. How i won't hear him laugh. How I won't see him smile. HOw I won't get another text message, phone call, email. How I won't get woken up by a bbm or text saying "time to get up baby".
I'm having so much trouble coming to the finality of it all. It DOESN'T seem real. How can someone who loved life so much be here one minute and gone the next? Why? I feel like this is all a bad dream and he will just pop right in here and say hi. It doesn't make sense why he is gone. WHY WHY WHY ">WHY WHY.
And besides numbness, I have been ANGRY. FUCKING ANGRY at him. Why did he leave me so unprepared? Why do I have to shoulder all this responsibility right now? He was going to put more RAM in my computer, but who does that now? Who is going to hang up the bike hooks in the shed and fix the coffee table? Who has to get the brakes fixed? Who's going to remind me to check the fluid levels in my van? Who's going to put in the weed eater thread. Who's going to hang up pictures? Who am I supposed to talk to when I have a problem, when I don't know what to do about something? Who is going to help me make major decisions? Who IS going to make the big decisions? Who is going to fill in the holes that the dog dug? Who is going to hug me and kiss me and love me? Who is going to smack my ass again?
How on earth am I going to do all this? how? I DON"T KNOW. He never showed me how to do it! I dont know when to check it, how to check it, how to do any of it. I absolutely hate with every fiber of my being, the fact that I am being stuck with this responsibility. I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to be a single mom, I don't want to be a widow, I don't want to be financially responsible for 5 people and 3 pets. I DON'T WANT TO DO IT. I am so furious right now, so angry that I just want to scream and yell and ask him why he did this to me. Why didn't he think to prepare me more for anything?
Yesterday I was so mad that I had to buy outfits. That I had to buy everyone new shoes, each girl a dress, me some pants and a nice top, myself a new coat, the boy pants and a dress shirt. And when are we ever going to wear this crap again? Do I really want to wear the funeral clothes again? I know we probably can, but still. UGH.
I am just so angry. So very very angry.