Sunday, October 11, 2009

I miss his smell

so I am going to bed in the last set of dirty clothes he wore before he went into the ER. They smell like him and I am sleeping in them. Ive been wearing his shirt all day and I will put on his shorts in a few minutes here when I go to bed.

I also have the wash cloth they had over his forehead when he was having trouble breathing this morning and it smells like him too, so I have that actually drying in my bathroom, but it will be accompanying me to bed tomorrow night.

I'm just exhausted. I dont want to be a widow. I'm angry at life. I even wished today that more women were widows so they would know how it feels. I'm afraid to go through life without him. So desperately afraid that I want to crawl into a little ball and rock myself and scream.

16 comments:

Thies & Carol said...

Joanna.. my heart is breaking for you.. you are in my thoughts..... my love and strength to you all...

Suzanne(Oct02 board) said...

You do whatever it takes to make you cope with the sudden and heartbreaking loss of the love of your life.

Thia said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Laurie said...

Joanna

I am speechless - I have no words to say that will be of much comfort to you in your time of such profound loss. I just pray that the good Lord holds you tightly in his arms to shield you from some of the pain.

Laurie (aka Ladybugzz from Oct'02 board)

The Pierce Family said...

Joanna.....all of us at Mops are praying for you. We are all here for you.

Tricia P said...

Joanna,
You might not remember me, but I was on the Oct '02 board with you. I just wanted to offer my sincere condolences on your heartbreaking loss. I pray that you will find the love and support that you and the kids will need in the times to come. You are all in my thoughts. I am glad that Barry's clothes are able to bring you comfort. May you find comfort in even the smallest things.

goldeneyez said...

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

BeccaK said...

I don't know if you remember me or not from OC and OH. Cynthia sent me an email this morning. Made me cry, my mother was widowed at a young age and I the age of your youngest. Although we really don't know what other people are feeling, my heart knows some of the hurt.

Like everyone else, I wish there was something I could do to make this easier for you.

BeccaK

Amander said...

Joanna,
We don't know each other at all; in fact, I was pointed to this blog post from a mutual friend's twitter post. But I wanted to let you know that I am praying for you and your family. Reading your blog just broke my heart; I don't know the whole story, but I know it's not right. I am praying for your healing and comfort during this time. Hugs

Karen said...

((HUGS)) Joanna, You are in my continued prayers ... even when I'm not sure how to pray, I am lifting up your name to the Lord ... and "the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words" (Romans 8:26).

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. --Psalm 34:18

Karen said...

((HUGS)) Joanna, You are in my continued prayers ... even when I'm not sure how to pray, I am lifting up your name to the Lord ... and "the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words" (Romans 8:26).

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. --Psalm 34:18

Anonymous said...

Hey Joanna,

It's Katie. I just wanted to say, I sympathize with you but not in the way you think. Me and my sister lost our father at a very young age as well, I was 9 and my sister was 7. So I know exactly how your kids are feeling. My mom became a widow so fast herself that it sort of sent us spinning. It was hard but we carried on and trudged through life as the tightest threesome we could be. There was obviously fights and harsh comments flung at eachother over the years. You just have to learn to take it in stride and be thankful of what you had with him and what will carry him through your childrens lives. It makes me so mad, that my father never met my first boyfriend, won't be there for my wedding to walk me down the aisle or to see my first child and that breaks me heart. Even though it's been nearly 12 years, it still gets to me and I feel so deeply for what your kids and you are going through right now. It's never easy but at least you have the four of them to carry him on in your lives. He'll always be with you, whether you feel him, see him or not. I wish I could help, even though I've only known you a short time, you're my best friend's sister and something like this is not something that happens to people you love on a daily basis. /Hugs you're strong and I know you'll do whatever it takes to keep your babies nice and strong through this too.

Sorry for rambling, I went on a tangent and I hope I didn't sound too over the top or you take offense, but I wanted to share with you something that not a lot of people know. And I hope that you got a little bit of comfort to know that it does happen as shitty as it is but you'll do great in time.

Lisa Apgar said...

My heart breaks for you Joanna. My best friend lost her 5 year old son to a drowning accident in May and we were just getting over that unexpected tragedy. I have seen her make a come back. Her 4 year old dughter lost her best friend, her brother and she is now doing better as well. It will be hard and the memory will never go away but I know it's possible to get through it. Please be sure to grieve but remember what you still have. I'm sure you've heard all of this before and it doesn't make it easier right now but know that we are all here for you and your family. ANYTHING you need, don't hesitate to ask. We're still praying for you sweety. Hang in there.

Shelleybean said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your children. I'm a 31 year old mom of 4 who couldn't imagine life without my hubby (who is currently recovering from post-appendectomy sepsis, kidney failure and a bleeding spleen! I pray to God that he will fully recover and this won't take a turn for the worse.). May God provide for your family and may you feel your husband's soul by your side as you heal little by little every day. Life isn't fair and you have every right to be angry. ((hugs)).

Kathy said...

Joanna, My heart goes out to you and your kids. What a shock to lose your husband so quickly. I'm sorry. I am praying for you.

Aimee's mom.

Demara said...

I can't imagine! :((