Thursday, October 22, 2009

Slaps In The Face

Every night I go to bed knowing that my husband is dead. I am unhappy about it, but mostly resolved to the fact that he is never coming back (I still feel like I am in a dream sometimes). And very happy that the day is over and I get to go to sleep.

But every morning, I wake up and the pain is fresh again. It's like somehow my mind has been wiped clean during the night, and then is re-set as soon as I wake up. Fresh pain all over again, with new realization that he died and is never coming back. I feel like I am being slapped in the face. Have you seen the movie 50 First Dates with Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler? where every morning he has her watch a video of her accident and life and what caused her amnesia? I feel like she does every morning. Having to realize again, every single day, that he is dead and nothing can bring him back.

I noticed this morning though, that I didn't jump too quickly when the alarm went off, and look for a text message. I think that subconsciously I knew that it wouldn't be there. But again, not seeing it was like a slap in the face.

Seeing as yesterday was such an emotional day, having to relive the whole story to the reporters, I kind of figured that today would be hard. I certainly did not expect what happened yesterday, to happen. And today I get to read the article in the news paper too. I've only seen the online version of the article, I don't know if our picture was included in print, or even if the reporter used the donation information she asked for (crossing my fingers). I am going to pick up some copies today and get them laminated them as well.

I guess I still don't get it. Why has this happened to us? What did we do to deserve this? Why, when there are so many other evilpeople who deserve to have their live's snuffed out, did my husband die? A good, kind, loving man who did EVERYTHING for his family was torn away from us for no reason.

Why do my kids have to grow up without their daddy when there are so many dead beat fathers in prison? And why do I have to live without the love of my life when so many women out there hate their husbands and wish them dead? Take them please, and give us back our daddy and husband.

Please.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

We may never know the why's Joanna. Just like I might never know why we arent' able to have children. Wim and I are fully capable of being amazing parents, we have nothing but love to give, but its just not going to happen. There is another plan for you, as there is for us.

-JennK

Melissa (mikichan) said...

I am so sorry for your loss.