Today was the service. It went exactly as I wanted. As he wanted. The songs played well, but we had a bit of a laugh because the funeral director couldn't figure out how to use my iPod touch and right before I had to say my "speech" he screwed up the sound, so I went back to the sound room and fixed it. haha.
Anyway, it was just a really nice service. I, my brother, his brother, his dad, my sister, and his friend all said such wonderful things about him. I loved hearing it all. So many of my friends were so generous with food. We got sent home with 6, yes 6 lasagnas and french bread AND salad. That fed the crowd of 21 tonight, with 3 left over in my freezer.
Today was such a nice family day. We spent time with my in-laws and we laughed, cried, joked, had fun and told stories about my husband. We all got to know each other again and bonded. That in itself was healing. It was nice to laugh and joke and have fun. My hubby would have wanted it that way, he wouldn't want us to be somber. He always lived his life like it was a party, and enjoyed it to the best of his abilities.
The funeral director gave me the extra ashes that didn't go in the urn. I'm going to put them into some vials, and then we're going to go to Build A Bear and put the vials into the bears. That way we can give Daddy a hug anytime we want. But the thing is, I have so much extra ash! I can't possibly use that much ash in 5 bears. It's quite strange to have it actually. My husband always said that I should keep the ashes in the back of the van, and if I ever got stuck in the snow and ice, to throw him under the tires and get going. I was always horrified by that thought, but who knows, right? haha I don't know what I'll do with them actually. Maybe I'll just keep them put away. Quite honestly though, I don't feel like they are him. It is the remains of his body, not him. My mom said it perfectly yesterday, that it was just his shell. Not him, just a shell. The real him lives on in our hearts, and our memories, and our stories, our jokes and our laughing.
So while my post today might seem like I am doing ok, this was only one good day. There will be worse ones. And there will be better ones. And I feel ok today because of some certain things. When we took some family photos, and I put them onto the computer, there were orbs around me. Different angles, different lighting, different areas of the house. I even dusted off the lense because I thought it was dust. Nope. I know he is here, and I know that is here to take care of me and protect me and the kids. Because he loves me and the kids. And now I have confirmation that I did feel his presence in the house when i came home last saturday. I feel at peace with this. You can believe what you wish, but my family believes in "ghosts" so to speak, and I know that it is him. This has never happened to my camera ever,and when I took pictures at the service today, there was no dust on the lens then either.
So I am going to go to bed tonight being peaceful, and happy knowing that I was able to give him what he wished. Knowing that he loves me, and will be with me always.