Thursday, October 15, 2009

Today Was Healing

Today was the service. It went exactly as I wanted. As he wanted. The songs played well, but we had a bit of a laugh because the funeral director couldn't figure out how to use my iPod touch and right before I had to say my "speech" he screwed up the sound, so I went back to the sound room and fixed it. haha.

Anyway, it was just a really nice service. I, my brother, his brother, his dad, my sister, and his friend all said such wonderful things about him. I loved hearing it all. So many of my friends were so generous with food. We got sent home with 6, yes 6 lasagnas and french bread AND salad. That fed the crowd of 21 tonight, with 3 left over in my freezer.

Today was such a nice family day. We spent time with my in-laws and we laughed, cried, joked, had fun and told stories about my husband. We all got to know each other again and bonded. That in itself was healing. It was nice to laugh and joke and have fun. My hubby would have wanted it that way, he wouldn't want us to be somber. He always lived his life like it was a party, and enjoyed it to the best of his abilities.

The funeral director gave me the extra ashes that didn't go in the urn. I'm going to put them into some vials, and then we're going to go to Build A Bear and put the vials into the bears. That way we can give Daddy a hug anytime we want. But the thing is, I have so much extra ash! I can't possibly use that much ash in 5 bears. It's quite strange to have it actually. My husband always said that I should keep the ashes in the back of the van, and if I ever got stuck in the snow and ice, to throw him under the tires and get going. I was always horrified by that thought, but who knows, right? haha I don't know what I'll do with them actually. Maybe I'll just keep them put away. Quite honestly though, I don't feel like they are him. It is the remains of his body, not him. My mom said it perfectly yesterday, that it was just his shell. Not him, just a shell. The real him lives on in our hearts, and our memories, and our stories, our jokes and our laughing.

So while my post today might seem like I am doing ok, this was only one good day. There will be worse ones. And there will be better ones. And I feel ok today because of some certain things. When we took some family photos, and I put them onto the computer, there were orbs around me. Different angles, different lighting, different areas of the house. I even dusted off the lense because I thought it was dust. Nope. I know he is here, and I know that is here to take care of me and protect me and the kids. Because he loves me and the kids. And now I have confirmation that I did feel his presence in the house when i came home last saturday. I feel at peace with this. You can believe what you wish, but my family believes in "ghosts" so to speak, and I know that it is him. This has never happened to my camera ever,and when I took pictures at the service today, there was no dust on the lens then either.

So I am going to go to bed tonight being peaceful, and happy knowing that I was able to give him what he wished. Knowing that he loves me, and will be with me always.


Liss said...

There is beauty and sadness in everything you write. Your Mom had wise words. I was only thinking today that you should get his blog printed and bound you know? Because that's a personal if that makes sense?

The day sounds like everything he would have wanted - and reflected his essence. Sounds wonderful.

There are some aussie yummies on their way to you too.. might help a little on a bad day, I am thinking of you xxxx

LisaW said...

Joanna, you and your family have been in my thoughts and prayers since CEO let us know you were in trouble.

I've been following along with your posts, knowing there is absolutely nothing I can say, so just lending you a "cyber" ear and shoulder.

I am glad you had a good day yesterday. It sounds like the service, and the family time afterwards, were wonderful and just as you say, "healing."

As much as a memorial service is meant to honor and celebrate our loved one, it is also meant to give those left behind a sense of peace and start the healing process. I am so glad that you felt that.

(((hugs))) I am thinking of you.

~LisaW (from OH)

Denise said...

I'm not sure if I've ever told you this before, but you have such a gift with writing. I can't imagine holding up through all of this and writing beautiful words at the same time. I'm sure it helps you cope, but at the same time, it is a beautiful testimony to the life and love your family shares.

It sounds like the service was just right. Family time to share and laugh was probably exactly what you needed. And I love your idea about the Bears.

I totally believe your photos and the orbs. Love never leaves us. It just surrounds us in a different way. Hugs and prayers for you all.

Danna said...

You are so right! I'm sure that Barry wouldn't want you all to be somber all the time. I'm glad that you found some peace today. I'm sorry that I couldn't be there for you. I was wondering if you are going to post what you said in your speech? I would love to hear it! How are the kids holding up?

Karen said...

Sounds like the service was beautiful, and sounds like your DH was a wonderful, kind and fun man. I am glad the service was just like you and he wanted. And that you could share this special day with your family. ((HUGS))