The Ebbs and Flows of Grief

Today my grief has just come and gone.

At times I feel ok and know that we will be ok. And I know that Barry wants me to be OK. He doesn't want me to grieve forever, and I know he wants me to move on and be happy again. Today while I was going through his twitter account, I just felt like he was sending me a message. I happened upon a message he sent to one of his followers, but it just struck me. To quote him, he said: "But in realizing death we must also remember to live. Time heals all wounds. Grief is normal and it will pass" I am so afraid to be without my love.

But other times there is just crushing sadness. No one will ever know the true pain of this unless you lose a spouse. It is the worst, raw, unimaginable pain you will ever know. I cry at the drop of a hat.

At the hospital I was angry, full of adrenalin, screaming and yelling and pushing people out of my way to go stand at Barry's side as they did CPR. I threw a temper tantrum or two, and I screamed so loud in the stairwell that I made my ears and the walls ring.

Tonight my wonderful friend Sara brought us all dinner. I was enjoying it so much, and then as I was buttering my bread realized how Barry would butter his bread, and enjoy it so much. He loved it when I made bread. And then it made me sad, and I tried not to cry at the table realizing that he will never be there with us again to enjoy a soft loaf of bread with butter. He'll never sit in his chair again that is now mine. He'll never be again.

It's the little things that really bother me. like when I remember something like I just mentioned. The tea that I had for him in the pantry will never be made for him again, he'll never drink out of his favorite cups again. He'll never make his famous spaghetti again. Never never never. It's all over. That just saddens me beyond description.

I can't begin to describe the grief that i feel right now.

I went out to his truck today to spend some time alone. I thought I would lay on his bed and wrap myself in his blankets, but made the decision to leave his clothes and bedding alone as long as possible to prolong their scent. Instead I went through his items and picked a few things to take inside. I got all of his change which I will be using for whatever, his back pack with his school items. His iPhone, his last Fiber One bar, and a few more items. I just can't clear it out, I need to have that space that is his, to be alone with my thoughts some times. I will be sad to see it leave with Jeff and Dusty when they come for his funeral (they are his friends from work). I'm going to record the sound of his truck horn for the kids. I'm also wearing his slippers, and I'm wearing his pendant around my neck. Don't know when I will take it off unless I'm sleeping.

I've had this intense need to journal. To write down every single memory I can think of. Everything Barry has ever told me about his life, and things we have done together. I also plan to have a memory book made for the kids and will let anyone who wants to, to write information in it.

Tomorrow I will be going to get his wedding ring re-saudered (we had to cut it off in the ICU because it was just too tight and his fingers were swelling due to all his medicine), buy a chain for it. I'm also off to Border's to buy myself some notebooks. And I also have to find myself an outfit, as well as something for the kids to wear. we're also going to meet with the funeral director as early as we can. And on tuesday morning, mom and I will be going straight to the bank to set up a fund for the kids and I in lieu of flower donations. Honestly, I just need cash...cold hard cash for the kids and I to survive on till we get the life insurance. Tomorrow is going to be a really hard day for me.

In time I will be able to express my thanks to some certain people. These ladies have been my everything in the last two days helping me take care of everything. You guys know who you are and I will forever be in your debt. Especially the two that were at the hospital with me yesterday. You will never ever know how much it meant to me to have you there with me as I said goodbye to Barry. Thank you.

And thank you to everyone who is making donations for us through Rina's site at http://gottalittlespacetofill.blogspot.com The money we are receiving is going to go towards a freezer for the kids and I, a costco membership and stocking that freezer. Barry always wanted us to have a freezer, but we never got around to it. I figured that it would be a good purchase because I am not going to feel like cooking for a very long time.

And as much as I would like to mope and be sad, I still need to do stuff for my kids. I have laundry to put away, kids to play with, still have to be normal. I have to be there for them.