Sunday, October 11, 2009

The Ebbs and Flows of Grief

Today my grief has just come and gone.

At times I feel ok and know that we will be ok. And I know that Barry wants me to be OK. He doesn't want me to grieve forever, and I know he wants me to move on and be happy again. Today while I was going through his twitter account, I just felt like he was sending me a message. I happened upon a message he sent to one of his followers, but it just struck me. To quote him, he said: "But in realizing death we must also remember to live. Time heals all wounds. Grief is normal and it will pass" I am so afraid to be without my love.

But other times there is just crushing sadness. No one will ever know the true pain of this unless you lose a spouse. It is the worst, raw, unimaginable pain you will ever know. I cry at the drop of a hat.

At the hospital I was angry, full of adrenalin, screaming and yelling and pushing people out of my way to go stand at Barry's side as they did CPR. I threw a temper tantrum or two, and I screamed so loud in the stairwell that I made my ears and the walls ring.

Tonight my wonderful friend Sara brought us all dinner. I was enjoying it so much, and then as I was buttering my bread realized how Barry would butter his bread, and enjoy it so much. He loved it when I made bread. And then it made me sad, and I tried not to cry at the table realizing that he will never be there with us again to enjoy a soft loaf of bread with butter. He'll never sit in his chair again that is now mine. He'll never be again.

It's the little things that really bother me. like when I remember something like I just mentioned. The tea that I had for him in the pantry will never be made for him again, he'll never drink out of his favorite cups again. He'll never make his famous spaghetti again. Never never never. It's all over. That just saddens me beyond description.

I can't begin to describe the grief that i feel right now.

I went out to his truck today to spend some time alone. I thought I would lay on his bed and wrap myself in his blankets, but made the decision to leave his clothes and bedding alone as long as possible to prolong their scent. Instead I went through his items and picked a few things to take inside. I got all of his change which I will be using for whatever, his back pack with his school items. His iPhone, his last Fiber One bar, and a few more items. I just can't clear it out, I need to have that space that is his, to be alone with my thoughts some times. I will be sad to see it leave with Jeff and Dusty when they come for his funeral (they are his friends from work). I'm going to record the sound of his truck horn for the kids. I'm also wearing his slippers, and I'm wearing his pendant around my neck. Don't know when I will take it off unless I'm sleeping.

I've had this intense need to journal. To write down every single memory I can think of. Everything Barry has ever told me about his life, and things we have done together. I also plan to have a memory book made for the kids and will let anyone who wants to, to write information in it.

Tomorrow I will be going to get his wedding ring re-saudered (we had to cut it off in the ICU because it was just too tight and his fingers were swelling due to all his medicine), buy a chain for it. I'm also off to Border's to buy myself some notebooks. And I also have to find myself an outfit, as well as something for the kids to wear. we're also going to meet with the funeral director as early as we can. And on tuesday morning, mom and I will be going straight to the bank to set up a fund for the kids and I in lieu of flower donations. Honestly, I just need cash...cold hard cash for the kids and I to survive on till we get the life insurance. Tomorrow is going to be a really hard day for me.

In time I will be able to express my thanks to some certain people. These ladies have been my everything in the last two days helping me take care of everything. You guys know who you are and I will forever be in your debt. Especially the two that were at the hospital with me yesterday. You will never ever know how much it meant to me to have you there with me as I said goodbye to Barry. Thank you.

And thank you to everyone who is making donations for us through Rina's site at http://gottalittlespacetofill.blogspot.com The money we are receiving is going to go towards a freezer for the kids and I, a costco membership and stocking that freezer. Barry always wanted us to have a freezer, but we never got around to it. I figured that it would be a good purchase because I am not going to feel like cooking for a very long time.

And as much as I would like to mope and be sad, I still need to do stuff for my kids. I have laundry to put away, kids to play with, still have to be normal. I have to be there for them.

12 comments:

Sandra said...

I'm in Australia, I don't know you, in fact I only just came across your blog a couple of days ago so I can't even claim to be an online buddy - but your story has just touched me to the bottom of my heart and I feel so very sad for you and all your family! Give yourself permission to grieve in whatever way you feel you need to, there are no rules when it comes to dealing with grief. Many prayers and positive thoughts coming your way!

Stefanie said...

My heart is breaking for you. I just can't imagine what you are going through, and I am crying at every post. I wish the best for you and your children. If there is anything I can do let me know.

Thia said...

You continue to be in my prayers.

Miriam said...

Hi,
I lead MOPS in Latin America and we extend our sympathies to you from all 41 Countries. You are right when you wrote that we'll never know the depth of your pain... I pray that you'll find comfort and peace. I also pray that you'll have the strength to go on with your life with the passion to carry on Barry's legacy for your children and for the community where he lived. We're praying for and each of your children through this tragic time. By the way, thank you for your posts, you're a blessing.

luckymom4 said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. I too have 4 kids, and can't imagine losing my husband at such a young age. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your children at this very difficult time.

Jessica said...

I am just sitting here utterly shocked. I remember reading about your summer vacation...

Let me know if there's anything you need. I'm here if you need to "talk" (thisisworthwhile@gmail.com). Losing someone is an inexplicable experience and sometimes it's nice to talk to someone.

Hang in there...

PrairieMom said...

Oh Joanna!
****handing you a beach towel***** to catch all the heartwrenching tears.....sobbing WITH you today.
I came over from GF with words of comfort and to encourage you to keep reaching out.
I can't begin to understand your grief, however, I hope you will stay connected to the network of friends and family that love you and your family.
And please remember that your husband's light will continue to shine in your children's eyes.....
hold on to every sweet memory!
Blessings upon blessings from our home to yours,
Reen~

Karen said...

Still praying for you all. You may already be looking into it, but if not, please check out the Liz Logelin Foundation.

The Liz Logelin Foundation was established to provide financial assistance to young widows and widowers with dependent children.

http://thelizlogelinfoundation.org/

Grandma J. said...

I just read of your terrible loss of your best friend, husband, lover, father to your precious children. I am praying for you and your children right now. Aimee's sister married my son and that is how I found your blog, through hers.

Cindy said...

I have been following your blog since I heard your husband was in the hospital...through MOPS moms at the Baptist Church

I am so sorry for your loss. You and your children are in my thoughts and prayers.

Demara said...

You're lucky you have those kids... We haven't been blessed with them...
and I don't have much family...that I'm close to...

So I'm happy that you have family!! and kids to keep you company...

man! if anything happened to my man...well I'd be completely and utterly alone...I'm not sure what I'd do.

running wildly said...

I came across your blog via Aimee. I wanted to say that I have had a lump in my throat reading all your posts. You see, you and I have much in common. We are both the same age and have both been married 9 years, however, you were a little more zealous than I in having 4 children whereas I have only had 2. I want you to know that my heart is aching for you so much right now. I am breathing prayers for you....peace, and comfort at this time. Your candid words have immensely spoken to me and I hope so much that you find comfort in journaling through this blog. I'll continue to read on.......