Friday, October 02, 2009

Warning Labels Were Meant For Me

You know those crazy warning labels that manufacturers put on products so you don’t hurt yourself? Like “do not operate blow dryer while sleeping”, those types? Anyone who does that is just stupid, but they have to do it regardless to protect their asses from the idiots that sue because they spilled hot McDonald’s coffee on themselves.

I’m not stupid, just unfortunate. Very, very unfortunate.

Let me tell you a story. A long, long time ago, there were two people who were very much in love and met on the internet. The girl went to visit the boy so they could get married. The boy was in the Army and lived in the Barracks, in a far away country called Germany. The girl and boy had talked a lot on the phone, written letters, and emails, but had only met in person once which was the day the boy asked the girl to marry him. The girl said yes, and then three months later, the girl went to Germany to go marry the boy.

One night the girl and the boy were sitting on the couch in his room watching a movie. The boy was drinking a bottle of German Coke, which is much much better than American Coke. The girl was thirsty, so she asked the boy for a drink of his soda. Not thinking anything would happen, the girl twisted open the cap to take a sip, only to have the cap shoot back and hit her square in the forehead. Never had the boy and girl laughed so hard. The girl realized that from now on, she should read the warning labels that say “open away from face”

Two years later the girl and boy had become mama and dada. The girl and the boy brought their twins to their grandma’s house so she could babysit them, and the girl and the boy could go out alone together. Recently, the boy had bought a new gun, the same type of gun that Dirty Harry used. The girl was very afraid to try and shoot it because she had never shot a gun before, let alone a 44 Magnum. The boy found a secluded area in the mountains for them to practice at, and wouldn’t you know, the girl had an accident. While the girl was shooting, she failed to listen to the instructions and the force of the gun firing caused the girls arms to move backwards making the gun’s hammer hit her square in the forehead. But she was ok, and laughed it off.

Two years after that, the girl and boy decided to try shooting one more time, but decided they would go try at an indoor range. The girl was nervous, but thought she could do it again. While she was shooting, something shot across her face and scared the crap out of her. The girl can’t remember what it was, but it came out of the gun, and it was hot and dusty and hit her on the cheekbones. The girl has refused to shoot with the boy since then and it has been 6 years.

Tonight the girl went out with her kids to a friend’s house. The friend had bought all the kids glow sticks to play with. The girl was bending them to get them to glow, and one exploded and shot the glow solution into her left eye. The girl dropped the glow stick on the table and ran to the friend’s kitchen sink and proceeded to wash out her eyes for a good 10-15 minutes. The girl had intense burning pain in her left eye and couldn’t keep it open. Now while the girl writes this post, her eye feels better, but still has trouble keeping it open all the way.

The girl firmly believes in reading warning labels, because you never know when you’ll get shot in the forehead with a bottle cap, have a gun hammer hit your forehead, have gun powder sear your cheek or have a glow stick explode in your eye.

The End.

Yes, a freaking glow stick exploded in my eye. It burned like someone poured acid into my eyeball. It hurt like a bitch, and it’s very tired right now. I was worried I couldn’t drive home in the dark, but thankfully it happened two hours before we left. My glasses had purple glow solution over them too. I can’t believe it went under my glasses and straight into my eye.

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