Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Questions

What I have really been pondering since Barry died is WHY and HOW.

I look at his pictures, and I can't fathom why and how. Why did he die? How did one person that loved life so much just die that quickly?

How does that happen? I just can't believe that he is gone. I know he is, but I can't believe it. Even looking at his pictures, he just has such a strong force about him that it doesn't make sense. One minute he was here and looking into my eyes, and then he was gone. His life extinguished like a flame just went out. Poof, he's gone.

I don't know that I will ever understand the how and why. I don't think it is even possible for me to really verbalize how I just don't get it. I don't understand!

He was such a wonderful man. He sacrificed everything for us. He loved us, provided for us, he was my life! So why did he get taken away when he was loved so much? I can't help but feel the tears roll down my cheeks as I write this. It figures, the ONE day I don't wear waterproof mascara, and I cry.

Is it ever going to be possible to know why and how? You never think something so tragic can happen to your family, but then it does and you're left dumbfounded. I wouldn't say I am in shock anymore, I know he isn't here anymore.

This morning my cell phone rang at 7:30 AM. I seriously ran to the phone, due to my typical response when he would call. But it was his ER doctor. Not Barry. At least I don't jump for text messages anymore in the morning. I haven't really felt his presence lately, not for quite awhile. But I know he's still here because I now have interference on my phone that I never had before he died. Yeah, I know you're all laughing at me. Go ahead, laugh. I know what I know. The funny thing is, I was talking to someone last week on my old cordless, and it was really really fuzzy, and I could barely hear her. When she came over, she brought me a brand new cordless from Office Depot, as a gift. Well, guess what? There is fuzziness, really bad interference, on this phone too.

I talk to him often. I say I love him mostly, but I still talk. It helps sometimes just to say it.

On that note, I'm off for now. Today I get to go to the hospital and drop off paperwork and pick up paperwork. I get to fax copies of the death certificate to 3 different places. And I was on the phone all morning again. I must have gotten like 5 phone calls and made the same myself.

1 comment:

Crystal said...

Why never gets answered, but in time you will have peace with it.

If you feel so inclined, read my blog entry in March of 2008

http://vamisscrys.blogspot.com/2008/03/why.html

I ask the same questions for the same reasons. None of us have any answers about it still, but many of us have peace.

It is one of the things I plan to ask our Heavenly Father one day.

Did the ER Dr answer any of your questions?

I hope it gets way easier much sooner than later.