Saturday, October 24, 2009

I'm Afraid To Think About Him

Thinking about him is painful.

I've told other people I'm fine with doing the day to day stuff without him because that is what we're used to. Because he was gone for weeks at a time, and we mostly spoke on the phone, so I had to manage everything here on my end...but with his help.

If I keep busy, I don't think. I don't want to think. I don't want the edges of the pain to slowly peel away, revealing what is really going on in there, because it hurts too much. And when I don't think, I feel OK. Still incredibly sad, but at least I am not thinking about him every. single. minute.

Is that wrong of me? There is no right or wrong way to grieve, I know that. But I feel guilty for not wanting to think about him. But it's the only way I know how to cope! I just can't handle those sneaky little thoughts. I'm denying myself the right to think about him, because I am afraid to cry, afraid to feel sad, afraid that I will become a sobbing mess and distraught all over again.

I wish I knew if it was ok to do this, I don't know if I should, or if by denying myself the pain, that I am only prolonging my grieving. I still am grieving, but I avoid like the plague, the things that cause me the most sadness.

My husband was a HUGE, HUGE, fan of Opie and Anthony, a talk radio show on XM. He listened to them every. single. day. All the time, he was even somewhat obsessive with it, lol. On Saturday nights, they had another show on that channel called Weird Medicine hosted by Dr Steve. They did segments on Truckers, and Barry was supposed to be a regular contributor. On September 19th, he was on the show talking, and Dr Steve gave me the link to the show. Last night I listened to it and recorded Barry talking.

That was such a huge, big, incredibly stupid, mistake on my part. I cried so hard hearing his voice. I don't want to hear his voice, but I wanted to save the clip for posterity, so the kids could hear his voice down the road.

I don't think about him too much, I prefer to occupy my time with other stuff, but it's hard not to let that little sliver of Barry slip into my head, and then the waterworks start. When he died, I had this intense need to write down everything he told me. EVERYTHING. but then I started blogging, and I haven't wanted to do that. I just don't want to think about him. But how can I not?

So what do I do? Do I close my mind to thoughts of him? Or do I think about him constantly until I'm emotionally and physically exhausted? Is it wrong of me to not want to think of him, or is it completely normal? I don't want the kids to think I don't love their dad, that I don't miss him, that I don't want to talk about him, but it's so fucking hard to do that. I can't even look at his pictures. They can, but I just CAN'T. I don't want them to get the wrong impression, that I'm not grieving, but I have to be strong for them.

Am I doing him a disservice by not thinking of him? by avoiding him? I love him so much that my heart feels like it is splitting apart because I am so sad. I really don't know HOW I can go on and do this without him. I don't feel like it will EVER get better. Yeah, it's only been two weeks, but I just don't know how I will ever feel happy again. How I will ever get over this pain, this feeling of drowning and desperation.

I'm just so confused!


House of Joy said...

You have touched my heart. I wish I knew words that would help to comfort you during your trial and grief.

While I was praying for you today, the thought came to me to share a blog with you. I hope you don't mind. While my trial was different then yours I still found inspiration from her blog.

You are a remarkable young women. Your children are blessed to have you for their mother.

You and your sweet family are and will continue to be in our prayers. Big hug...

Crystal said...

I think you should allow yourself the right to grieve. You have to give yourself a date in the future that you will try not to cry. I did not ever grieve my grandfather's death. He and I were very close- they raised me- and he died in Everett, WA (close to you) almost 2 years ago and I never allowed myself to cry and now, no matter how hard I try to really remember, relive, write down the memories, I can't. I feel terrible about that. I just can't. I am sure I could do something to allow it, but I have not figured out how to yet and I just feel that his memory deserves my grief...

I bet is was so hard to hear his voice. I can not even imagine. Maybe every evening, write a memory. Just one, after your babies are asleep, then go to sleep too.

I am thinking of you all the time. Praying for your healing and peace.