I think he must be watching out for us. I can't see how this could happen any other way.
Today has been so hard, the first day without family around in almost two weeks, no friends around, and people going about their normal lives. I thought I was going to be ok, but every time I really needed something or someone, it happened, and someone was provided.
This morning I had a really nice visit with the funeral home director, who gave me some good information about my situation with my husband's father. I know we're ok now, and don't have to worry about anything. I also had to run to Wal*Hell to get some medicine, as I am now getting what the boy had. I got it last, and my brother in law Bryan got it really really bad. Anyway, at Wal Mart, I was feeling really down and sad, when who do I see but Ken, the pastor who did my husband's service. I got a hug, a nice 5 minute talk, and I felt better. It was just right.
later on in Wal*Hell, right before we were to leave, I ran into a friend of mine. Which again, really helped because I just needed to talk to someone.
At Safeway, I was checking out and feeling shitty because I just bought two papers with my husband's obituary in it, and thinking of the contact paper I had to buy to laminate it, when my mom called. Her and my step dad were at their weekend place, and the clubhouse phone kept ringing and ringing. she thought it was me, so she called me. Nope. But I got another phone call when I needed it.
And then tonight, it quieted down a bit. The kids are watching TV after their showers, I'm feeling bummed out and melancholy because I can't talk to him, and who calls but my cousin. Who has always been so good to me, so kind, and loving, and just a good friend. So Red, if you're reading this..I love you. Thank you for that phone call, it really helped me.
I hadn't cried all day till she called me. I think that however much we might not want to, we all need to cry. I needed to cry today, it was a sad day. I find being alone with my thoughts is dangerous, I don't want to be, but sometimes I have to. If I keep avoiding it, all that is going to happen is that the reality won't set in for me. I need to be sad, I can't avoid it forever. Sooner or later, the dam is going to burst, and I need to be prepared for that. Right now it's at a steady trickle, but the crack is getting bigger each day.
I'm really afraid of what is really going to happen when the full reality sets in. How am I going to be? How am I going to be a good mommy and support my kids?
Right now the kids are ok. I've been talking to them about it, and telling them it's ok to be sad, ok to cry, and ok to talk about him. But luckily for them, they are resilient. They are still laughing, playing, having fun and being kids. They miss their daddy, but we are so used to him being gone that it is much easier on them. I'm the one who has the most trouble with it because I know what happened. I don't think they will ever fully grasp what happened, or maybe not till they are older.
In some ways, I wish I could be just like them.