I just don’t know.
I think grief is funny in some ways. It just has so many different facets and you keep finding new ones.
Today was a hard day for me. Especially hard was buying an outfit for his memorial service. I found a beautiful sweater and slacks to wear, I love the outfit and I feel pretty in it. But I kept breaking down in the store while I was trying it on. It was so hard to buy it.
This afternoon my mom and I also went to the funeral home and planned his service. I thought that would be so incredibly hard, but it actually wasn’t. The funeral director was so very kind, and we actually have mutual friends. I am so glad I chose them because they have just been everything everyone has said. I was able to pick out my husband’s Urn, plan everything, and I think I only cried once. I remember the original urn I picked out had to have the ashes just placed in there without the protection of a plastic bag, but I didn’t like that idea. So I suggested to the funeral director that he place the bag inside and make sure the edges were outside and overlapping, and pour his ashes in with a funnel. Somehow that just struck me as the funniest thing and my mom and I started laughing. It was so healing to laugh though. And last night when my mom, sister and I were choosing the songs for his service, I played the last one for them and we also started laughing like crazy. It was just SO him, so Pompous, just like him to chose a song like this for the end of his service. He had expressed his wishes to me in the past when we had talked about it, so I was happy to do that for him. But the song just makes me laugh.
Did you know that when you are grieving you often lose the desire to eat? When you eat, it’s only because you have to, and everything tastes like sawdust. everything. When he was in the hospital, I lost weight as well, but more than I thought I did. I have no appetite even though my stomach rumbles to eat. My mouth tastes like paste, NOTHING tastes good. Now don’t get all alarmed when you read what I’m about to say, but I’ve lost 11lbs in just over a week. 11lbs. And that’s ok, because I have a lot of weight to lose. I just wanted him to be able to enjoy my svelte hot body, lol. Now he’s going to miss it. Seriously though, my appetite has taken a hike. Even when I am hungry, I can’t overeat. My body just doesn’t let me.
The hardest part for me tonight was figuring out specifics for the service and program and obituary. My mom and I wrote his obit together, and it was just heart wrenching trying to write it, just awful. Also, I had to pick pictures for his obituary and his memory board that we’re making. I hate looking at his pictures. HATE HATE HATE “>HATE “>HATE “>HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE it. I fucking hate it. I don’t want to see his face. I dont want to be reminded of what I have lost. Why, WHY did he have to be taken away after only 11 years of knowing him. WE WERE ONLY MARRIED ALMOST 10 YEARS. It’s not fucking fair! I would weigh 500lbs if I could just have him back in my life. I would do anything, ANYTHING to have him back.
Little things irritate me and I’m really on edge. Like the kids being noisy…that is really getting on my nerves. And my sister playing with her camera…I was about to throw the damn thing out the window for all the annoying beeps it made. And my mom not liking some things that I chose, or wrote. I desperately want help,but then I don’t. I don’t want to have my choices and decisions about what I do for HIM to be questioned. I KNOW what HE wanted. It has NOTHING to do with anyone else but me, the kids and him.
I’m so exhausted, I feel like I’m running on pure adrenalin. Off to a busy day again tomorrow. Bank, dentist, outfits for kids, etc etc. sigh.